From oracle-request Thu Jul 25 00:10:49 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.60) id AAA17984; Thu, 25 Jul 1996 00:10:49 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 25 Jul 1996 00:10:49 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199607250510.AAA17984@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #848 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 848 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #848 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 25 Jul 1996 00:10:49 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 848 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 843 110 votes bwsB2 7qqyh duKc9 dqutc fpClb xzoa8 5hyBh bAxjb dnCme atovg 843 2.9 mean 2.9 3.3 2.8 3.0 2.9 2.3 3.4 2.8 3.0 3.1 --- 848-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, who riseth above us all like a great big pretty > thing admiring the sunset: > > How many ways _are_ there to skin a cat? > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > Benji And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How do I skin thee? Let me count the ways. } I skin thee to the depth and breadth and height } My tool can reach, when feeling out of sight } For the ends of bone and feline veins. } I skin thee to the level of every day's } Most quiet need, by sand and litter-bin. } I skin thee freely, as cats strive for yarn; } I skin thee purely, as they turn from praise. } I skin thee with the catnip put to use } In toy mice, and with my cat's food dish. } I skin thee with a love I seemed to lose } With my lost pets,--I skin thee with the } Bites, scratches, tears, of all my life! } And, if thou choose, I shall but skin thee } better after death. } } You owe the Oracle a saucer of milk. --- 848-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > do questions submitted from the World Wide Web have priority > over e-mailed questions, or vice-versa? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant, } Your questions seems so simple, but, in fact, is most complex. } } Lets break it down into it's component parts: } } World Wide Web Electronic Mail } ************** =============== } } All point and click User needs to have at least } half a clue } } Can get to "Cool" places Usually doesn't type random } without actually knowing to see if someone gets } where "here" is. their mail. } } Doesn't need to Understand Usually knows all too well } what is going on. what is going on. } } Usually uses one of the Usually makes their own } "name brand" internet connection. } providers. } } Believes everything has it's Icon Makes money from and laughs } at those people who } think everything should } have it's own icon. } } Thinks the Internet Oracle Still worships the Usenet } Oracle is a "neat, new idea" } } Well, Supplicant, if that doesn't answer your question, then you didn't } know the correct question. } } You owe the oracle that first guy who said, } "I wish we at Duke could contact those folks at UNC. Kinda like some } group thing where we could all USE the NETwork to send NEWS to GROUPS } of folks" --- 848-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where and how can I get some files which descibe the economists > resources in Internet or finance or banking resources in Internet. > Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you for your question, please sit down and make yourself } uncomfortable. I am only here to help you, please remember that. Now, } before I answer your question, perhaps you could clear up a few points } that have arisen. } } What information are you willing to give to me in order for me to have } confidence in your ability to handle this large amount of data? It is } our policy for potential customers of CitiOracle to deposit at least as } much information as you are requesting from us. Deposited information } must be new and original, no copies or rehashes are allowed, that would } be boring and, let's face it, what we're after has to contain a lot of } interest. } } To cover ourselves we must be sure that you are able to meet our need } for information. It may seem to you that you can manage the regular } questions, but what if you start to fall behind in your answers? } Without careful planning you end up deeply in confusion and this may } even lead you to filing for perplexity to protect yourself from your } interrogators. } } Please answer the following and supply the names and addresses of three } librarians as references: } } 1) How much information do you require? } 2) How long do you want it for? } 3) What will it be used for? } 4) Over what period will you supply us with information in return? } 5) Are you married? if no, go to question 6. } 6) Why not? } 7) Will you die during the length of this agreement? } 8) Is your soul currently assigned to any supernatural beings? If yes, } goto question 11. } 9) Have you been assigned to eternal damnation by any deities that you } consider to have dominion over you? } 10) Do you think Barney the dinosaur is cool, or have any other mental } instabilities? } 11) What is the gross asset value of your internal organs if sold as } seperate parts? (Remember to apply depreciation costs due to } substance abuse. Use the enclosed ReDiOrganiser(tm) tables if } stupid). } 12) Are you frightened yet? If no, congratulations, we look forward to } dealing with you on a regular basis! } } You owe CitiOracle EVERYTHING, and it was due YESTERDAY!! --- 848-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Master of puppets and all things great!!!! > > What is a Woodchuck?? > > References thus far found for me are :- > > Walt Disneys Ducktales - it was a camping group. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, a woodchuck is an obscure drill bit that is geometrically } shaped (i.e. either a star, a pentagon, a square, or a dodecagon) to } cut beautiful shapes and patterns in wood. } } Unfortunately, the inventor of the "woodchuck", a certain Mr. Chuck } DuBois, didn't realize that a drill bit spins when it's used. He owned } a power drill, but his home in the woods didn't have an electrical } outlet. As a result, the brilliant inventor would put the woodchuck on } the drill and pound it into the wood with a big rock. } } As a result, the woodchuck fell into obscurity, and some biologist } (maybe Darwin) thought it would make a cool name for a furry woodland } animal. Actually, it isn't a cool name, but what do I know--I'm just } the Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle a brand-new Black and Decker cordless drill with the } woodchuck attachment. --- 848-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > sorry, but I have groveled so much, my walkways are empty > now (or was that gr..?). > > The MicroSoftSerfs, in their infinite wisdom, are considering > "Explorer" (of "let's scramble Netscape" fame) as a front > end to Win95. > > Since BOB was their last greaaaaaat attempt, I'm really > concerned that they're missing good opportunities to puree > user brains with gooey GUIs. > > I thought good alternatives would be the Magic Eye concept > (3D visualizations), or XXX slideshows (soooo popular on > the net), a Mandala generator, or a personalized paradigm > generator (based on a Rorschach analysis of the user's > system). For football fans, a football field with lines > representing programs, for auto mechanics, a (virtual?) > car where the pedals give input possibilities, would be > think-able. > > Before I submit these demonic dementicisms to the richest > man on (and under the) earth, I thought I better check with > you, Oracle, specialist in input-output-putup things. > Any applicable alternatives articulatable? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, Microsoft's continued development of alternative } GUIs for Windows 95 has been stalled until the Windows 95 } development team can figure out how to fix the bug that prevents } the user from being able to drag My Computer icon into the } Recycle Bin. } } As for Microsoft Bob, his seeming beneficence belies his true } nature. Once the unsuspecting user is lured into this trap, } the Windows 95 thunk layer begins snapping mercilessly at the } user's heels until the system GPFs all over the place. Not a } pretty sight at all, if you ask me. } } However, a few ideas have been hashed around and hopefully will } be out soon: } } THE AUTO SHOP: Similar to the idea you suggested, } this fanciful interface resembles an auto shop, } complete with shop tools, automobiles, and grease } spots. Accomplishing any useful work in this } environment, however will be just a tad tricky, } considering the car has no engine or tires, and } the gas tank is empty. The user could attempt to } use the shop tools to remedy the situation, but } they are notoriously buggy and may compromise } the system integrity, and set the garage on fire. } } BULL IN A CHINA SHOP: Specially designed inteface } for the illiterate user who usually ends up trashing } the system configuration so disastrously that the } PC no longer knows the difference between a CD-ROM } drive and a bologna sandwich. Everything in this } specially designed GUI, including the Start button } is labeled "Do not touch." } } 32-BIT GRIDLOCK: This GUI is filled with promises } of improved system performance, but the technicians } are still haggling over the coding details. The } result is a GUI that initially looks promising, but } looks and feels very much like Old Windows. } } SOLOMON GRUNDY: A GUI specially designed for the } organizationally challenged. Nothing is properly } categorized or neatly placed. Want to use the } phone? No problem, if you can figure out which } pile of dirty laundry it's buried under. Looking } for that important sales document? Well it must } be buried somewhere in that two-ton stack of } papers on the desk (or is it under the bed?) In } any case, if you're a slob, you should feel right } at home in this pigsty of a GUI. } } And there you have it for the latest developments in the dystopia } of Windows 95. Enjoy yourself, and remember: You asked for it! } } You owe the Oracle a beta copy of Microsoft Boob, the specially } designed GUI for the computer luser. --- 848-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I need to know what product or service I should manufacture or sell. > It's gotta fill an unfulfilled need for half the population on the > planet (or more). What are your top three or five ideas? > > (I've already invented a grovulator, but there seems to be only one > customer for its output. And the damned thing squirts dirty oil and > excrement all over me every time I use it. Watch the result below.) > > GR::gr(); > Your supremely insipid supplicant wallows in stinking mire, > while whistling the praises of the Great Internet Oracle > through his twitching eyeballs. Vomiting into his own nose, > the supplicant attempts to chant the entire Oraculad Gita from > Ancient Hindustan, but chokes on the distinction between > aspirated and unaspirated consonants. His own aspiration > ceases. > > (See, I told you. It was exceptionally disgusting this time. Yucch! > I'll try to wash up while you answer me.) > > Please help me get set up in a more rewarding business. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } - Lawn mowers with twin gas turbine engines } - Banana peelers } - Potato dispensers with reminder alarm } - Bleached and DayGlo dyed hamsters } - Cat washing machines } - Goldfish deodorant } - Portable grovulators for restaurant waiters } - Adaptors to fit a CD onto a 12-inch turntable } - Etch-a-Sketch for Windows(tm) } - Aerospace Engineering for Dummies books } - 5-year subcutaneous LSD implants } - Metropolitan Air Shares } - Federal metabolization permits } - Carbon licenses } - Polished neutronium earrings } - Solid gold refrigerator magnets } - Superconductor clotheslines } - Ceramic nutcrackers } - Tape filesystems } - Personal Digital Adversaries } - Web hide engines and Stupid Information Agents } - Affordable 20-megaton thermonuclear warheads for home protection } - Neckties reinforced with piano wire } - Life size baby dolls that roll their eyes, snarl in demonic tongues, } spew phlegm, and try to claw your eyes out when you squeeze them. --- 848-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, Oh Oracle, Wise Oracle, Oracle of the farthest sight and > the keenest hearing. Oracle whose wise sayings are quoted even in such > far-off places as Oslo, Ontario and Orpington. Hear me now, great > oracle, and solve my mystery: > > A fellow supplicant came to me and said that all new supplicants had to > > a) Put "Tell Me" in the subject line, > > b) Give a really great grovel, and > > c) ask a question that begins "How much". > > Now I can only think of one such question, and I'm sure you don't > really want to waste your valuable time and effort letting me know the > final quantity. So could you point me towards a web-site that shows the > mathematical calculations of how much wood a wood chuck might be able > to chuck if, perchance, a woodchuck could chuck wood? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, if only there were such a web site, then people might bother to } consult it instead of bothering me (then again...). I did mention in } Oracularity 841-03 that this question was available on the web, but } then I didn't mention where the answer was located... } } However, since that's the nicest version of the question that I've } received all afternoon, I'll see if I can help you towards the answer. } } Consider this. You have twelve similar balls, but one of them is } heavier or lighter than the others. Three of them have written on them } common English words ending with "gry". Then Monty Hall opens a door } in one of the balls and reveals that it contains the next number in the } sequence 1, 11, 21, 1211, ... . He gives you the opportunity to switch } envelopes, giving you a higher expected value of your winnings. He } might be always telling the truth or always lying, but you have only } one question in which to find out on which day the prisoner is going to } be executed, given that the execution has to be carried out by Friday } and it must be a complete surprise to him that there are several } English words each with two opposing meanings. If you can work out } what colour the bear is and find the probability that my other child is } a girl then I think the answer to your question is clear - don't you? } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Winning Ways by Martin Gardner. --- 848-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Proud Oracle who dictated sections of the Magna Carta as a practical > joke, I abase myself before your magnificence and beg of you to answer > my question. > > How can I tell if my dog has been replaced with an alien spy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Its not easy, but there are some telltale signs. Just have a little } conversation with your dog and casually slip in these questions and see } how close your "current" dog comes to the "real dog" responses. } } Question: } What do you put on top of a house to keep the rain out? } } Real dog: Rooof } Alien spy dog: XccYclz } } Question: } When I don't hit my drive as straight as I'd hoped, where does it } wind up? } } Real dog: Ruff } Alien spy dog: Zzyzzch } } Question: } What would you suggest I use as a material for a landscape garden } mulch? } } Real dog: Bark } Alien spy dog: Newspaper } } Of course the best way to find out for sure would be to just ASK me. } } You owe the Oracle 25% of the movie rights. --- 848-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > quit > exit > ^C > ^X > exit > logout > ^Q And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You computer junkies are all the same. All you need to do is turn the } handle and it will open. Sheeeesh! Have you never used a door before? --- 848-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mysterious, wondrous and downright amazing Oracle: > > How come we never see baby pigeons? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You do, but you only see them before they go into their cocoons } and grow wings. Baby pigeons are usually called "squirrels"