From oracle-request Thu Jun 6 12:22:57 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.51) id MAA16431; Thu, 6 Jun 1996 12:22:57 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 6 Jun 1996 12:22:57 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199606061722.MAA16431@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #837 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 837 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #837 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 6 Jun 1996 12:22:57 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 837 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 832 120 votes nwym9 pHti5 6ESf5 3hAKi 5nuvv d8CEl 6tCti 6kNwd 7kFH9 6mLza 832 3.1 mean 2.7 2.5 2.8 3.5 3.5 3.4 3.2 3.2 3.2 3.2 --- 837-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I told you already, DON'T ASK ME THE WOODCHUCK QUESTION! > > ***** ***** ****** ***** > * * * * *** > * * * * * > * * * * > ***** ***** * * And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And the question is: How can even the average shmoe supplicant live the } glamorous life of the Internet Oracle? --- 837-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 54? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, that would be a few too many chromosomes. } } You owe the Oracle a promise not to bear offspring. --- 837-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh wise one... > > Is the State of Texas REALLY as big as all outdoors and is it > possible that a fusion powered spacecraft could attain the speed of > light... or at least .9 of the S of L ?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Topologically speaking, every point in the Grand and Glorious } Sovereign State of Texas can be mapped to every point of "outdoors" } strange but true. } } A fusion, or matter-antimatter reaction, powered spacecraft cannot } reach lightspeed. That is a matter of Physics. Going 90% of } lightspeed is certainly possible, that just takes engineering design } work. } } As an aside, if you mounted fusion jets to the State of Texas, and } accelerated, eventually the state would mass as much as all outdoors. } } You owe the Oracle a working fusion spaceship. --- 837-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mystical Oracle, I cannot ever understand you, even when you speak in > words shorter than one syllable. Maybe I'm just stupid. > > Can you please tell me how to get more And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. First, kill a turtle and turn its shell upside down (you should } eat the turtle.) When you are picking up the berries and roots, put } them in the shell instead of trying to carry them all in your hands. } You've really been dropping more than you keep. And sooner or later } you're going to have to deal with that bright orange burning stuff. I } know it hurts, but when used properly it will scare away the large } carnivorous beasts at night so that you can develop speech habits and } devise better hunting and gathering strategies. Then you can also } start working on your pickup lines, and you'll really start getting } more. } } You owe the Oracle your thick skull to put in a museum in a few } thousand years. --- 837-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do nice guys always come last? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because the hot chicks don't go for the nice guys. } } You owe The Oracle a deposit to your local sperm bank. --- 837-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most -- oops. Sorry. Gotta go take my French final! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This oracle is becoming increasingly displeased with the quality of } recent supplicants. It was bad enough when the supplicants didn't } grovel enough (or any at all) but now they don't even ask a question? } } The answer is: 42. } } You now owe the oracle an Alex Trebek fan guide. --- 837-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > Most kewl Oracle > > > how can I get a scrolling LED display to work on my home page? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } Supplicant, I am royally sick and tired of HTML questions. I have } therefore introduced my own extension to HTML, the purpose of which is } to remove zombified web-heads like you from the gene pool before the } entire human race is reduced to a bunch of pointing, clicking idiots. } } }

} Your next of kin owes the Oracle penance unto the tenth generation. }

--- 837-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The prevalence of null questions in the Oracle's queues has } remained unexplained since the dawn of Oracular studies. While } underestimation of the intelligence of the average supplicant is } indeed difficult, relatively few of them are actually entirely } empty-headed, which makes the obervation that many Incarnations } receive one or more null questions each week rather perplexing. } } We would like to propose a new hypothesis, which is that null } questions arise from the mutual annihilation of question and } anti-question within the queue. The question is replaced in } the queue by the generated null, while the energy of the } interaction is carried by a high-energy ZOTon which serves } as an answer to the anti-question. The plausibility of this } hypothesis is strengthened by the observed existence of anti- } questions for many of the most frequently asked questions. } } For instance: } } Q+: How can I get her to notice me? } Q-: How can I get him to leave me alone? } } Q+: Why can't we all just get along? } Q-: I'm Joel Furr, and I'd like to tell you about something that } really pisses me off. } } Q+: How can I make money fast? } Q-: Why is Windows 95 so bad? } } Q+: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could } chuck wood? } Q-: How can I live a long and happy life? } } Q+: Prose is fine, but poetry is neater, } I know how to rhyme, but I guess I could possibly use some } help with my meter. } Q-: Which operating system is better? C++ or Netscape? } } Q+: To be or not to be: that is the question. } Q-: Is the Answer really 42? } } Q+: How can I make the Oracularities? } Q-: I'm a hopeless geek. How can I expand my horizons beyond } computer systems, Star Trek, bad puns and an endless search } for titillation on the net? } } Occasionally, one observes questions which are their own anti- } questions. The interaction between pairs of such questions seems } likely to produce two or more null questions, plus a shower of } ZOTons which may themselves react with other questions. The } problem of just how many such questions need to be asked before } the queue goes critical is an interesting subject for further } research. } } Q+/-: I know she says she loves me, but does she *really* mean it? } And why doesn't she trust me? } Q+/-: Listen up, @*&^$%&. What's with this CDA &^%$#@*&? Don't } those fascist %$**&#@%^s understand I have something } *^#$+^%ing important to say? } Q+/-: Why do people ask so many stupid questions? --- 837-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh greatest Oracle, who knows more about pets than any vet: > > Some mornings I wake up and my Schroedinger's cat is dead, others I > wake up and he's alive, and sometimes he seems only half-alive! Why? > What can I do to help? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Try only half waking up - that way you can't lose! --- 837-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@cs.mcgill.ca The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most telegenic one, > > What are the "Freemen" in Montana trying to prove? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fermat's Last Theorem. Sadly, because Montana is so cut off from the } rest of the world -- can you believe that it is even cut off from North } Dakota? -- word that the theorem was proved has not yet reached the } Freeman. The interesting question is why the FBI is so interested in } preventing a small band of Montanans from independently proving the } theorem. But that's not what you asked. } } You owe the Oracle a textbook on elementary geometry.