From oracle-request Sat Dec 30 00:10:41 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.39) id AAA09545; Sat, 30 Dec 1995 00:10:41 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 30 Dec 1995 00:10:41 -0500 (EST) From: "Usenet Oracle" Message-Id: <199512300510.AAA09545@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #804 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 804 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #804 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 30 Dec 1995 00:10:41 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 804 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 799 101 votes 7uzn6 5lxnj aqtlf 5muue 7jCs9 3gysk ekvv5 ctktb bhqno 6jBmh 799 3.2 mean 2.9 3.3 3.0 3.3 3.1 3.5 2.9 3.0 3.3 3.2 --- 804-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great one, why have you been silent so long? When will you grace us > with your words of wisdom? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is not I, the almighty Oracle who has turned my face from humanity - } rather, you have abandoned me. That is why I took away all your priests } and brought down the fiery mountain... no, wait, that's not right... } } You owe The Oracle royalty rights for T$R novels. --- 804-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, who has flown and sung with the birds, who has swum > with the fishes, shone with the Moon, and has flung many a fling > with Nolan Ryan, > > I have barely begun to do you justice, but the shortness of mortal > existence would have swung me to curtail my grovel too soon in any > case, so please great Oracle, > > What is the past participle of "ping"? The gerund of FTP? > The passive voice of mime? The accusative of finger? > In short, please teach me the grammar of the Internet! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's quite straight forward; } } There are 4 tenses; Present, Future, Perfect and Imperfect (commonly } refered to as Damaged). Tenses are used to express when something has } happened, will happen, used to have happened, would have happened but, } will happen even though, happens in the middle of dinner, shit happens } and happens even though it goes against the election pledge of the } government. } } There are five cases; Nominative, Genitive, Accusative, Dative and } Decorative. These are used, at random, unless you are addressing } somebody with two syllables in their name, in which case you should } follow these simple rules for word ending; } } +-----+---------+--------+----------+----------------+ } | | Present | Future | Perfect | Damaged | } +-----+---------+--------+----------+----------------+ } |Nom. | -es | -en | -es | -esetten | } +-----+---------+--------+----------+----------------+ } |Acc. | -et | -es | -eten | -enttensten | } +-----+---------+--------+----------+----------------+ } |Gen. | -er | -er | -er | -errerereeren | } +-----+---------+--------+----------+----------------+ } |Dat. | -en | -en | -en | -een | } +-----+---------+--------+----------+----------------+ } |Dec. | Reserved for talking about Christmas trees | } +-----+---------+--------+----------+----------------+ } } The position of the verb is critical, It is quire possible to entirely } reverese the meaning of a sentence by confusing the word order, } beginners beware this classic Dutch mistake; } } Haak an oorg flascher neet - Where is the Cinema, please } Haak an neet flascher oorg - Your Mother is a hogs ass } } Of course, al this carefully structured grammar is wasted on the dweebs } who populate the internet. Dear suplicant, if you can write the word } dude like this; "d00d", that is all the liguistic ability you need to } survive the net. } } You owe the Oracle the Boys Own book of Irregular verbs. --- 804-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What am I doing wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) Brushing your teeth with the loofah. } 2) That thing with the goat. } 3) The way you grin at strangers in lifts and say, "I'm wearing new } socks!" } 4) Throw the brick through the window and grab the jewels, not } throw the jewels through the window and grab the brick! } 5) Crottling your grunions with a puling stick (this is illegal, no } matter what your friends say! Just say no!) } 6) That's foaming lavatory cleaner, not deodorant. Still, at least you } smell lemon-fresh. } 7) Try keeping both eyes open while you aim. --- 804-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, this is a long one, so go grab a cold one and get comfortable: > > Why do we refer to a lady's maid as an abigail? A school as an academy? > A fungus as an agaric? A variety of gypsum or calcite as alabaster? A > type of overshoe as an alaska? A twelve-sylabble verse as an > alexandrine? A pale blue color as alice blue? A certain flower as > amaryllis? A stately dance as allemande? A strong woman as an amazon? A > soft velvet hat as an alpine? A pungent gas as an ammonia? A pale dry > sherry as amontillado? An electric meausurement as an ampere? A short > account as an anecdote? A kind of bitters as angostura? A tidy as an > antimacassar? A Paris gangster as an apache? A stimulus to sexual > desire as an aphrodisiac? A handsom young man as an applo? An ornate > design as arabesque? A spider as an arachnid? Rustic and peaceful as > arcadian? An antiaircraft gun as archie? A large group of islands as an > archipelago? An fleet of vessels as an argosy? A pheasant with eyelike > spots in its tail feathers as an argus? A kind of pattern and sock as > an argyle? A rich tapestry fabric as an arras? A type of well as > artesian? A scarf as an ascot? An analgesic as aspirin? A political > killer as an assassin? A kind of lamb fur or skin as an astrakhan? A > literary club as an atheneum? A volume of maps as an atlas? A poisonous > alkaloid as atropine? The part of a building just below and the roof as > the attic? The dawn as aurora? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Usie, you pose quite an interesting question...or should I say, } questions. First, let's examine your first question, about an abigail. } Funny you should mention that name, for this Oracle has a particular } affinity to the name Abigail. Many people, in fact, refer to this } Oracle as Abigail...and the Oracle is a bit put off that you hold the } belief that an abigail is a mere MAID...Let me tell you, buddy. This } Oracle is an Abigail, and this Oracle ain't no maid! I AM AN } OMNIPOTENT ORACLE. I HAVE MAIDS. } Being omnipotent and all-encompassing as well as merciful, the Oracle } will forgive you for your slip-up...So now that we have clarified the } first issue, let's deal with the next 309827903 questions you posed, } shall we? The Oracle (Abigail) examined your list of questions and to } answer them all at once, I would like to present to you a history of } the dictionary. } } Dictius, the creator of the dictionary, (who, coincidentally, had a } daughter named Abigail who, as legend has it, married a high and mighty } spirit who was so powerful that he turned her into an Oracle) was a } well-educated man who, one day, decided to compile a list of all of the } meanings of the words that he knew. He realized, however, that he had } a slight problem; he had skipped the first day of alphabet class, so he } only knew the last 25 letters. He compiled this list, leaving out all } words starting with A, the first letter, because he had been off at the } beach that day. He presented this work to the official book } commissioner of his country, who looked at it and thought it was GREAT. } It was the first time anyone had taken upon themselves a task this } incredible. But then, the commissioner realized that there was a } section missing. Unfortunately, he had already begun publishing the } book, so, to cover for Dictius, he picked a whole bunch of random } concepts and paired them with any word that he could think of that } started with 'a.' (Well, he was pressed for time! Come on, don't tell } me that you've not written a paper in like the hour before it was due, } and as a result, put all sorts of random facts that you hoped the } person grading it wouldn't notice...) So he picked random words, such } as "amontillado" and looked at his surroundings - a glass of pale dry } sherry, and entered it in the missing first chapter of the dictionary. } Although, when the book was published, some people were confused by } this slap-dash first chapter, the words soon took on the randomly } assigned meanings...and that is the answer to your question. } } You owe the Oracle the time that you took to look all those words up } and write that long message. --- 804-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I LOVE YOU! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, yes. All of my supplicants do. And I love all my supplicants, } which is why I watch over you night and day. } } The oracle blesses you with a very happy holiday season. } } You owe the oracle nothing. --- 804-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, whose dreams are cool, > > Leafless trees, sleeping through winter: > Of what do they dream? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sap rising, birds } weeping at the beauty } Spring brings. } } Buds so sticky } a remembrance } of trees past. } } Leaves to drink } rich wine of Summer } sunshine. } } You owe the oracle the laughter of bees. --- 804-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear oracle, > > I was reading about the history of the FDIV bug, and I decided to > test my brain to see if it has the same defect. > > Every time I try to calculate 4195835-(4195835/3145727)*3145727, > I get a headache. > > Does this mean I have the bug? Please answer quietly. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, that all depends on how you're trying to calculate it. If you're } using your fingers, stop tapping your head so hard. If you're using an } abacus, stop moving the pieces with your ears. If you're using a } calculator, stop hitting yourself in the head with a mallet. If you're } using a Power PC, take your tongue out of the power supply. If you're } using a Pentium, the headache is a feature of Windows, and Bill says } you _like_ it so stop complaining and _enjoy_ the ease of use. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of SAB (Symantic Anti-virus for the Brain) } and a 45 milligram shot of Penicillin. --- 804-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, most wise, please tell me... > > Why can't I fly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's sad when humans contemplate } The dire nature of their fate. } You can't believe you are superior } When toweling off your broad posterior. } "It's not enough that we have reason. } Please prove we're tops of birds, and bees, and } All of nature's beasts," you plead. } It seems a basic human need. } You think you really have it rough } You want the other species' stuff. } Your situation, you defile } By asking for it doggy-style. } You want the cunning of the fox } The killer urge of chicken hawks } The mighty leap of the tiny flea } A singing voice higher than Geddy Lee. } The daily schedule of the lion } Has even powerful humans cryin'. } (He fights, he screws, he stalks his prey } But mostly he just sleeps all day.) } But look into the things beasts lack! } You would be taken quite aback! } The other creatures eat their young } Spend hours contemplating dung } Have intercourse with mom or dad } Get beat and skinned for a human fad } And that's not all; don't you forget } They cannot use the Internet } They cannot drive at 65 } They're caged, and hunted, and buried alive. } You humans really have it made. } Many of you do get laid. } Opposing thumbs is really class; } You get the power to pick your ass. } The other animals just stick it out } With all those flies buzzing about. } You're on two feet, that's pretty sweet. } That frees your hands to beat your meat. } And one thing more, let's face it, honey -- } You're the only fauna with ANY money. } } You owe the Oracle a 6-pack of Chicken McNuggets. To go. At the } drive-through window. --- 804-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh awe inspiring Oracle! Why are you so wise? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Surely even the humblest of supplicants would become disillusioned if } the Oracle displayed less than transinfinite omniscience. } Contemplation of the resulting ignominy is highly repugnant, even to an } otherwise tolerant Oracle. The battery of tests to which each } prospective Oracle must submit, even before becoming an apprentice, is } indescribable. Moreover, the quantity of applicants who must } sorrowfully be turned away is utterly innumerable. Imagine having to } spend the remainder of one's days as an oracle that couldn't pass } muster. } } Still, having an age that is orders of magnitude larger than even the } invisible universe and being at all times both highly observant and } omnipresent could hardly be said to have cramped the Oracle's style. } Don't underestimate the effect which bitter experience, omnividence and } endless reflection have on an embryonic Oracle's sagacity, profundity } and humility. } } Now that you understand all this, you can rest assured of the accuracy, } intelligence and wisdom behind the Oracle's every utterance, however } briefly or simply stated. } } In recompense for this answer, the Oracle demands a gumdrop. --- 804-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wisely wonderful Owacwe, whose wings wiw nevew unwavew, won't you > wewax whiwe watiocinating my wequest - > > Wiw I evew manage to captuwe that wascawwy wabbit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, Barbara, you've had Michael Jackson, you've had Princess Di, } You've invoked tears in more celebrities than even cellulite has. } Eddie Rabbit is small potatoes. I know he continues to snub you, but } get over it. He really only ever had that one song, anyway, and most } people think it was that Pina Colada thing and that wasn't even him. } Stick with the big names and Oscar nominees, and leave the has-been } singers to Hugh Downs. } } You owe the Oracle a wig from your bouffant period.