From oracle-request Tue Dec 26 10:53:49 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.39) id KAA07173; Tue, 26 Dec 1995 10:53:49 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 26 Dec 1995 10:53:49 -0500 (EST) From: "Usenet Oracle" Message-Id: <199512261553.KAA07173@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #802 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 802 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #802 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 26 Dec 1995 10:53:49 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 802 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 797 102 votes mtqk5 aqwu4 gsDd6 28wIg 7mvqg 2cEqm jqtl7 gakzl 6kAua 6kvsh 797 3.1 mean 2.6 2.9 2.7 3.6 3.2 3.5 2.7 3.3 3.2 3.3 --- 802-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > *%\@/*%$%*\@/*%$%*\@/*%$%*\@/*%$%*\^/*%$%*\@/*%$%*\@/*%$%*\@/*%$%*\@/*%* > * X ! X ! X ! X ! . ! X ! X ! X ! X * > * O O O O .|. O O O O * > * -*- * > * Athbhliain Faoi Mhaise! '|` _ Happy New Year! * > * Frohliche Weihnachten! *:* ("D Chag Sameach! * > * Sarbatori Fericite! * . * ~(=r Boas Festas! * > * Joyous Solstice! ** ** .../__\ Gut Yontif! * > * Mele Kurisumasu! *** o *** [MJ] Iyi YIllar! * > * Mele Kalikimaka! *\ O * Wesolych Swiat! * > * Merry Christmas! ** \\ ** Velelykh Svyat! * > * Happy Hanukkah! *** \\ *** Stastny Novy Rok! * > * Pari Dzounount! * o \\ * Kelemes Unnepeket! * > * Happy Holidays! ** O \\** Season's Greetings! * > * Veseli Vanoce! ***\\ o \*** Gung Hay Fat Choy! * > * Feliz Navidad! * \\ o * Felican Jarfinon! * > * Joyeux Noel! ** o \\ O ** Joy to the World * > * Bom Natal! **** \\ o **** - And to All a * > * God Jul! ** o o \\ o ** Good Night! * > * Cheers! *** O \\ *** * > * *:D o_ ***************************** e@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ > * _ <' )~ ___ ##### _v_ @@@"""""""""""""* > * /<~ ["""] V o [___] _@_ #####__|~|_ A @" ___ ___________ > * %'= @|HHH|[~] U |\ /|/^^^\##[{}{}{}{](") ! II__[w] | [i] [z] | > * %' ) /%|HHH||$|/V\|XXX|~~~~~##[}{}{}{}](:)<*> {======|_|~~~~~~~~~| > * %(__6 |==D|HHH||$|\^/|/ \|=====##[{}{}{}{](:) V /oO--000'"`-OO---OO-' > ************************************************************************ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My heavens! Not even in Its omniscience and omnividence has your } Oracle ever seen such a beautiful and superb thing. } } Thank you for this gift. } } In recompense for this answer, the Oracle expects you to bestow upon It } a similar greeting, replete with graphics, each and every day of the } year, and each must be appropriate to the day and utterly unique. } } All teasing aside, you've done a *splendid* job, and the Oracle } congratulates you. --- 802-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Eeeekk! Two mice! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, Mister Gates. Welcome to Hell. The right-handed mouse is the } mouse-mouse; it is for pointing and clicking. The left-handed mouse } is the keyboard-mouse. In the "unlikely" event (muahaha!) that you } should need to use the keyboard (hee hee!) you just left-click the } little keyboard icon with the keyboard-mouse. This pops up a } full-screen image of one of your famous curvy Microsoft keyboards, and } you click on the keys that you want to press with the keyboard-mouse. } The application then thinks that you have pressed those keys, even } though you don't actually have a keyboard. Who needs a keyboard when } you've got Windows, eh, Mister Gates? } } Well, then, I shall leave you to your task. Your job is to download } the Slackware 3 distribution onto 5.25" floppies. You can just use } your account on Microsoft Network to do this little chore. It } shouldn't take more than a few hours, right Mister Gates? } } Oh, by the way -- since these are Microsoft mice, you don't have a } middle mouse button. You have to hit both buttons at _exactly_ the } same time to emulate the middle button. } } I'll check back in 100 years. Ta ta! --- 802-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why drivers way back in line start leaning on their horns as soon as > the light turns green, even though there's no chance they'll be able to > make it through the intersection before the light turns red again. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They are experimenting with the Doppler effect. If they can get moving } fast enough, then the sound waves from their horn will compress to the } wavelength of a red stop signal. If the compressed wave arrives 180 } degrees out of phase with the stop light then it won't be visible and } they have the right of way. } } You owe the Oracle a way to do away with the green light of the traffic } moving perpendicular to me. --- 802-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle, whose wisdom is as grand as Barry Switzer's is feeble, > I ask you: > > I am reading this article in the Jounal of Woodland Creatures titled: > "On the proclivity of marmota monax to reject surrounding flora". I > don't really have the time to read it, anyway it seems pretty > scientific and I doubt I could comprehend the results of their > findings. Could you please summarize for me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The subject species was observed both in the wild and under } experimental constraints. Individual subjects showed a marked } tendency to remove xyloid plant matter from their immediate vicinity } by throwing it. No quantitative analysis has been performed. } } You owe the Oracle the quantitative analysis. --- 802-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wonderful oracle, genius to all > Lend me your ear as I try to recall > A query that hopefully isn't a bore, > A query about those great hackers of yore. > One of those legends replied to my post > (A forwarded joke about Geek Codes and hosts.) > He had a slight qualm with a joke about TECO, > Ancestor of emacs, but better than pico. > He said "Yes, but do you know what TECO is? > Not only do I know, but I used it 10 years. :-(" > This is confusing. It boggles my mind > Since we larval stage hackers admire his kind! > So my query, oh Orrie, which does my heart bother: > Why'd one be embarrassed 'bout emacs's father? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd answer your query in kind, with a rhyme, } but even omnipotent entities have limits on time. } And I'm not sure that these lines actually parse } So it's time for me to put an end to this farce. } So for you, dear supplicant, I shall compose } An answer to your query, written in that thing you have when you don't } have a rhyme. } } A great Jedi Knight TECO was, strong in the Force was he. Alas was he } killed, the evil Darth Veeaye killed by. Look at me like that why are } you? Believe me do you not? --- 802-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty oracle, does anyone ever abuse this server to try > and get free advertising by placing their business address at the end > of a clever response? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nope. They don't give clever responses. } } You owe the Oracle a mailing list. } } -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- } J. Sprat & Co., Nutrition Consultants } "Clean your plate without gaining weight" } jsprat@mgoose.com } -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- --- 802-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Grrr....ping...bonp....bonmeter...boom...zing...whussssssterrrrrr....za > ppppp...booppptakerrrrrsonnnnnnalyleeeeeee..................tinnnn....w > husssss.......pop....pop....pop....BANGPinggggg.........whussssssss.... > ....................................pop.................zoppp...flopp.. > ..tintkly..tintkly.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That'll teach you to pee on the computer! --- 802-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the difference between a deer and an elk? > More importantly, where the **** did that come up? I just thought I'd > ask the mighty Oracle something, and then I typed that question, > without knowing why. I am not even interested in animals! Please > explain. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } According to Websters', a deer is "any of numerous ruminant animals } that constitute the family Cervidae, that have two large and two small } hoofs on each foot and antlers borne by the males of nearly all and the } females of a few forms, that are represented by numerous species and } individuals in most regions except most of Africa and Australia, and } that constitute an important source of food in many places for man and } the larger carnivorous animals." An elk, on the other hand, is an old } man wearing a funny hat who is a member of a Middle America benevolent } social order consisting of many old men who wear funny hats. } } As for the reason why you asked, it has to do with a long-repressed } childhood incident. When you were a young child, you had an elk for a } pet. You loved him and cared for him, and he followed you everywhere. } Life was wonderful until the day that the lodgemaster explained to you } that the elk should really be sleeping in his own house instead of at } the foot of your bed. You were quite traumatized, because the elk was } very deer to you. } } You owe the Oracle a signed copy of _Charlotte's Web_ by E.B. White. --- 802-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Obgrovel. Why is Taman' such a weird story? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obgrumble. Any story will become weird if it is translated from one } language to another a sufficiently large number of times. Taman' } has gone from Latin, to Urdu, to Hindi, to French, to Spanish, to } Portuguese, to Arabic, to Farsi, to Russian, to Ukrainian, to Finnish, } to English, until it finally reached its current form. } } You owe the Oracle a translation into Serbo-Croatian. --- 802-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle, who knows more about signs than Nancy Reagan's > astrologer, please enlighten me with your vast knowlege. > > While I was traveling in upstate New York, I saw some signs like this: > > .________. > | ? | > | | > | 1 Mile | > |________| > > What does this sign mean? Is there a question mark up ahead? Is the > Department of Transportation attempting to cause us to have doubts in > our minds as whether or not to proceed with our travels? Has no one > ever returned from that one mile journey to tell us of the tale of what > exists ahead? Tell me, O wise one. What is the purpose of this sign? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While the alternative interpretations you propose reveal a wisdom } significantly beyond your years, assuming, of course, that you are not } quite as infinitely old as the Oracle, you did fail, the Oracle is } almost sorry to say, in making the correct deduction. The sign } indicates that, for the next mile, the road is shaped exactly like your } interrogative sign. There is absolutely nothing dubious about the } matter. } } There is a second meaning that this sign sometimes has: the } Transportation Department of New York has had considerable difficulty } in adequately describing the conditions of the road for the next mile } and invites taggers to write their graffitiform descriptions on the } sign, preferably in blinking, neon lights of highly saturated colors. } } A third meaning that the sign often has is that reminds drivers that, } for the next mile, passengers and drivers are permitted legally by the } state to ask one another questions. This does not necessarily mean } that the prohibition against asking questions elsewhere on the road has } already been legislated against. One question frequently asked is, } "Where the hell are we?" Another is, "Why isn't this section of the } road shaped like a question mark?"