From oracle-request Mon Nov 27 10:48:01 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.39) id KAA03676; Mon, 27 Nov 1995 10:48:01 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 27 Nov 1995 10:48:01 -0500 (EST) From: "Usenet Oracle" Message-Id: <199511271548.KAA03676@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #797 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 797 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #797 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 27 Nov 1995 10:48:01 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 797 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 792 103 votes 9eztg Uoc83 6tzs5 8htsl 7iCua eiluk 5izuf 2dDAd 9ABf6 6bwvn 792 3.1 mean 3.3 1.8 3.0 3.4 3.2 3.2 3.3 3.4 2.7 3.5 --- 797-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > big-ass ham, jail bait, vermin-crusted lard bucket, toe-jam football > fan club, toast on a stick, Jimmy crack corn, firehose gutter wash, > paintball Dave, auto compass, manual transmission, perpetual motion, > nocturnal emission testing one two three And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Termite bait, monkey droppings, hard toilet residue, kiwi thought } processes relating to the deforestation of the gipsy armadillo, army } intelligence, attack of the killer turnips, smud, forced bubble } extraction. } } You owe the oracle diatonic psychochemical peanut cataclysm. --- 797-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My God. I just spent an hour answering someones question from my LAST > question. Do I *have* to answer this next one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nah, just ZOT the guy for a little spelling error, or a slightly } imperfect grovel, or something along those lines. You've worked hard. } You deserve a bit of fun now and then :-) } } Here, .I think you could do with a little more conviction in your } character...practise on these.. } } > H3Y, 0R4C1E D0000000D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } > W#3R3 4R3 411 T#3 C#1CK5, M4N?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? } > KEWL. L8R D00D... } } <..zzzzot.> } } Hmm, you _are_ tired, aren't you... Here, try another... } } > } } } } Yes, showing promise. But you need more force, more _aggression_ } Now think hard, think mean, } think...Mr T from the A Team...yeah, real tough....get onto this one... } } >How much wood would a ..ah..argh!! } } <**ZZOT!!!**> } } Oo-ee you're cookin' with gas my son....now get out there and...do some } askme's! } } You owe the oracle some more of those hour-long replies. It's good to } see that some people still put the thought into a good response. --- 797-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: Zadoc! Get back here! What have you done with this supplicant's } question? } } Zadoc whithers under the Oracle's glare. } } Zadoc: Uhm... I was just... tending to it. } } Oracle: Well quit tending to it! I want to see it now! } } Zadoc: Uhm... yes sir... right away sir... } } Zadoc crawls away on his hands and knees. Moments later, he reappears, } a tattered piece of email in his hands. } } Oracle: Give me that! What does that say? } } "Orrie, I really need your help. Newt's got me by the neck } and is pushing me into the back of a plane. How can I solve } this budget problem? Signed, B.Clinton." } } Zadoc: I thought you wouldn't want to be bothered with political } issues... } } Oracle: I don't care what you think! Who's the omniscient one here } anyways? } } Zadoc: Sorry sir... very sorry... sir... } } Mumbling incoherently to himself, Zadoc shuffles off again. } } Oracle: Now, where were we? Ah yes, this mysterious B.Clinton. I wonder } what budget problem he's talking about. Probably just some silly } small business that he can't balance the books on and has } creditors at his door. What's this newt business? Fig Newtons, } maybe? That must be it, he's a grocer. This should be } easy enough. Zadoc! Fetch me some papyrus and a keyboard. Oh } drat, I've frightened him off. The things you have to do for } good help these days. Here we go. } } "Dear Mr.Clinton. I understand how problematic your grocery } business must be, but I have a few words of advice for you. } First, you know your competitor down the street? He's getting } a great deal on apples. Hound him until he tells you who his } supplier is. Second, buy a new cash register. That abacus, } while beautiful and a prized possession, doesn't cut it. And } finally, forget about the figs - they'll all go bad eventually. } Sincerely, TUO." } } Good, generic, and concise. Perfect. } } You owe the Oracle the head of Newt Gingrich. Preferably without the } rest of him. Hell with that - just seperate the two and I'll be happier } without having to see either. --- 797-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and merciless Oracle, I have a quandary for you. Which is > the way to true enlightenment: dating people that I work with, joining > "Great Expectations" (a dating service), hitting on supermarket > checkers that are 10 years younger than I, or devoting myself to a life > of meditation in a Buddhist monastery? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is the sort of question that just begs to have a table made, and } my current incarnation, while certainly not a slave to fashion, is a } slave to the tastes of the Oracle. So, with no further ado, I give } you: } } The Pluses and Minuses of the Paths to True Enlightenment: } } \\ Dating People you work with: // } Plus: Companionship, both at home and at work } Minus: Companionship, both at home and at work } Plus: Titillating sex talk at the office } Minus: Not-so-titillating office talk at home } Plus: Confidence in looking over at your co-worker and knowing that } she/he finds you physically attractive. } Minus: Coworkers looking over at you and wondering just what the } hell he/she sees in you. } TEPF (Total Enlightenment Probability Factor): 36.7% } } \\ Joining "Great Expectations" // } Plus: You get to pick a mate like you would a car, by looking at } glossy pictures and studying the features of each } Minus: Others are doing the same to you } Plus: N/A (sorry, Sparky, we're out of Pluses for this one) } Minus: Those clowns charge you mucho dinero to join their' stinkin' } club } TEPF: 12.2% } } \\ Hitting on supermarket checkers 10 years younger than you // } Plus: You might have the chance to teach a novice the joys of sex } and of pleasuring another. } Minus: They'll probably have zits } Plus: They can get a discount on groceries } Minus: You'll get sick of their constant badgering of you with the } question "Paper or Plastic?" } Plus: Excellent 10-Key skills } Minus: Hard to fantasize about someone in a brown apron } TEPF: 45.05% } } \\ Devoting yourself to a life of meditation in a Buddhist monastery // } Plus: Those cool robes } Minus: No underwear and cold stone floors. 'Nuff said. } Plus: You might chant yourself to a top ten single } Minus: You can't make videos with hot chicks on MTV } Plus: Spiritual cleansing, true vision, and a balm for your soul } Minus: Very few keg parties } TEPF: 73.9% } } So we can see that, of the paths you mentioned, the Buddhist route is } clearly the way to go. But let me suggest one more: } } \\ Presenting the Oracle with good, intelligent questions such as } these, as compared to the usual nonsense people usually send, and, more } importantly, sending back well thought-out, creative, original, and } humorous answers in response // } Plus: You might get accepted to the OD } Minus: N/A } Plus: You won't get ted by an angry incarnation } Minus: N/A } Plus: A pat on the back on a job well done } Minus: N/A } TEPF: 99.99% } } I think the way has been pointed. } } You owe the Oracle true consciousness on his deathbed, payable to the } current incarnation, cmyers@mednet.swmed.edu. --- 797-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most learned, whose very sputum I am not worthy to consume, > whose style shall be revered throughout the universe, and whom shall > always be recognized as a spiffy dresser: > > Do really good used bookstores have any effect on the Earth's > gravitational pull? Can you tell me where I can FIND a really good > used bookstore? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You really should check the alt.fan.pratchett FAQ. Pterry is } creditied with the fundamental insight of information continuum } dynamics, observing that books contain information, information is } knowledge, knowledge is power, power is energy, energy has mass, and } mass warps space. Ergo (to paraphrase,) a good library is nothing but } a genteel black hole that has learned how to read. Cf. Pratchett's } _Guards! Guards!_ for further information. } } Finding a good used bookstore is a matter of gross physical geography. } Any location at or above 100 feet of altitude simply cannot sustain } the species. Hence, entires *states* of the American Midwest haven't } a decent secondhand bookstore anywhere within their borders, while in } San Francisco they are so numerous as to be considered minor pests. } } There have been some reports of artificially cultivating used } bookstores by the simple expedient of dumping several decades worth of } old _National Geographics_ in an empty lot and dousing with espresso, } but the resulting force-grown shops silt up very quickly with } "historical novels," self-help bilge, and Stephen King paperbacks. --- 797-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is Yawning contagious? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's all very simple. In your brain, there are millions of } subatomic particles called caffitrons. They are generated first thing } in the morning when you wake up (assuming you've had enough sleep) or } when you start drinking coffee (assuming you havn't had enough sleep) } and their purpose is to keep you awake. Now, as your day progresses, } some of the caffitrons begin to lose their outer energy shell and they } turn into yawnotrons which are highly toxic. Your body's way of } removing these toxins from your system is through emissions of } yawnotron radiation from that little punching bag in the back of your } throat. When this radiation hits another person, they absorb it and } then their body has to get rid of it the same way yours did, until } eventually all of the extra yawnotrons are dispersed harmlessly into } the air. } } You owe the Oracle a box of No-Doze. --- 797-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tell me if HE feels the same way I feel for him.. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good try, Paul, but that would be a better song for Elton John. --- 797-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, my friend, > We have had a long and productive business relationship, in which I > have posed many interesting questions, and you have generally answered > them to my delight, and occasionally to my consternation. In turn > for this service that you have provided, I have grovelled with my face > in the slime at the bottom of your dog's lizard's cage. Indeed, > that's where I am right now, nose-deep in the horrid stuff. > > Once in a while, you allow questions to be answered by incarnations > who are hopelessly clueless. Some of them cannot assume a persona. > Others have a persona, but it is repulsively non grata. They miss the > point. > > I'm sure these folks desperately need help, and I'm willing to assist > you in giving it to them. How shall we do this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Uh... what? --- 797-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me o wise and splendid oracle, why do my heart beats differently > whenever I see him or be with him? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously, being around him has provoked in you an intense allergic } reaction. This has resulted in an irregular heartbeat, and (if I'm not } mistaken) increased body temperature, stomach discomfort, and } edginess. } } I suggest you stay as far away from him as possible, to minimize } your risk of Sudden Cardiac Death. } } You owe the Oracle a three-dimensional myocardial motion } assessment. --- 797-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, please tell me - > should I buy the new book by Bill Gates? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, you definitely should, the book is wonderfully } informative and interesting. Granted, it is a bit of } a pain to read in the 'wingdings' font, but they did } promise to have the page-order bug fixed by the next } printing. } } You owe the Oracle a larger bookshelf for when the } second edition is printed.