From oracle-request Thu Nov 16 00:10:34 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.38) id AAA22078; Thu, 16 Nov 1995 00:10:34 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 16 Nov 1995 00:10:34 -0500 (EST) From: "Usenet Oracle" Message-Id: <199511160510.AAA22078@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #795 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 795 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #795 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 16 Nov 1995 00:10:34 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 795 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 790 92 votes 7kwp8 9fzmb 2hyw7 efhqk 9pAg6 4ctwf 4jxlf 6lBl7 4gqzb 8qHa5 790 3.1 mean 3.1 3.1 3.3 3.2 2.8 3.5 3.3 3.0 3.4 2.8 --- 795-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great horticulturalist whose prize pumpkins are bigger than Racquel > Welch's, whose melons are bigger than Rambo's pectorals, tell a humble > tiller of the soil what he must do! > > Every year until the present I've won my village's annual prestige > carrot-growing competition with entries over two metres long. This year > my deadly rival has got a gipsy to curse my plot of land and I'm > getting nothing but finger carrots. What should I do? I have been > emasculated. I feel like committing suicide. It's a week till the day > of judgment. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's get right to the root of your problem: The dreaded gipsy. } Nothing is more harmful to a carrot crop than a gipsy curse, } except possibly a gypsy curse, but that's beside the point. } Exactly how did the gipsy curse your plot of land? Did he say } "F**K YOU, you dirty plot of land!" or something like that? } No, on second thought, never mind that. I just had a look at } the rules for your village carrot contest. It seems like } the people of your village have forgotten the ancient carrot } contest judging proceedures. I quote from the original text: } } "Hymphin da carrutin, unt vitten der schmitten unt de noggin } cloggin, vust figgle rith der cliggen claggen." } } As you know, that translates to "The carrot growers will duel } to the death, with their best carrots for weapons. If one } has grown a carrot of such deadly proportions that nobody } dares to fight him, he will be declared the winner and the } combat will be avoided." Your great grandfather won by that } clause many years ago, and your family has won it ever since, } always without combat. It is easy to see how everyone could } have forgotten the original (and bloody) way of judging the } contest. } } So you see, even if yours is only the size of a finger, you } may still win the contest, if you are skilled with it. Once } again, it's not the size, but what you do with it that counts. } } You owe the Oracle a carrot cake. --- 795-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how on earth can you get a catchy song out of your head? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Top Ten List of Ways to Get a Song Out Of Your Head } } 10) Listen to a different catchy song. Repeat when you get bored of } it. } 9) Try a new food, like squid pizza. (Eat it, just eat it...) } 8) Soap. Lots of soap. (Gonna wash that song right outta my head...) } 7) Cut off your ear; mail it to your lover. (50 ways to leave your } lover...) } 5) Travel abroad (Big ole jet airliner, don't carry me too } far away...) } 4) Go chop wood (He's a lumberjack and he's OK...) } 3) Go to sleep (Twinkle, twinkle, little star...) } 2) Join a cult, and let them brainwash you. } 1) Take a look at Lisa! (Girls just wanna have fun...) } } You owe the Oracle a manta ray casserole. --- 795-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle! > Please tell me where can I find "extracto de quebracho" for my leather > factory? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's just fire up the software: } } # tuo-supplicant-translation } } TUO Supplicant Translation v3.14 } Welcome, O mighty Oracle! } } ready> translate } } Phrase to be translated: extracto de quebracho } Grovel level: 0 } } Processing translation request... } } extracto = (English/misspelled) brand name for various common putty } knives } de = (English/"k00l") the } quebracho => } que = (Spanish) what, that } bracho = (Various) break, broken } } Transliteration: The putty knife that broke } Translation (common): The broken exacto knife } Translation (tolkien): The sword that was broken } } ready> find } } Locations: } The broken exacto knife = Supplicant's desk drawer, under the rubber } disk used to open stubborn cans } The sword that was broken = Aragorn son of Arathorn, Grey Havens } } ready> bye } } ALERT: You entered a grovel level of zero. Do you wish to *ZOT* } this supplicant (y/n)? n } } # } } So there you have it. } } You owe the the Oracle the Gran Chaco, in south-central South America. --- 795-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The US government has shut down today, except for 'essential services'. > Great! Why doesn't Congress just cut taxes to the level needed to > support these essential services, and called the budget balanced? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the next candidate for President } of the United States, the *Usenet* Oracle. } } (Applause as the crowds anticipate the Oracle walking up to the } lectern) } } (Applause suddenly ends as Oracle surprises crowd by appearing in a } flash of blinding light rather than walking up) } } Oracle: Thank you. If eleceted, I will balance the budget by lowering } taxes to cover the essentials, and making sure that the government } only spends money on the essentials. } } Reporter: What do you consider esential? } } Oracle: I've prepared the following list of ... } } Environmental Lobbyist: How about the $3 billion we proposed for } surveilance equipment to keep lumber companies away from the } spotted owl, surely that's on your list. } } Oracle: No, you see... } } Extreme Left Lobbyist: What we need is to carry out our $6.3 billion } proposal to build secret tunnels to abortion clinics to protect } the doctors. } } Oracle: Just a second... } } Extreme Right Lobbyist: What about our $4 billion proposal to mine the } secret tunnels to the abortion clinics? } } Oracle: We aren't... } } Veteran Lobbyist: Excuse me, last time they planned on cutting } everything but the essentials, they stopped veterans aid but } continued giving welfare checks...(lobbyist gets booed out of the } room before he can finish. } } Tabloid lobbyist: Are you still going to let Congress give themselves } pay raises, so they can afford more scandalous living and give us } job security? } } Oracle: Actually, I wa hoping they would take a pay cu... } } Congressional Lobbyist: Hello, I'm from the...uhhhh..Citizens' } Committee of Really Concerned Citizens, yes that will do, and we } think that Congress is doing a bang-up job. Surely, you don't } exect them to take a pay cut? } } Oracle pulls out gun and fires a large number of warning shots } over the crowds head. Silence blankets the room. A janitor looks } up at the burn marks on the back wall thinking about how long it } will take him to clean it off. } } Oracle: Those aren't essentials. As I was saying, the following are } the essentials for which the government will pay in order to keep } a balanced bu...(trails off as room is emptied of disgruntled } lobbyists) } } The next day, the papers carry nothing but bad reviews for the Oracle, } because they too pander to the lobbyists. } } You owe the Oracle an anti-lobbying bill. --- 795-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > you don't really know everything, do you? > > how can you be sure? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, you slithering toadie! Little Miss I'll-Try-to-Provoke-the- } Oracle-and-ask-a-really-goofy-question-without-a-grovel. I haven't } seen such ZOT-bait since I saw Newt Gingrich affectionately caressing & } playing tonsil hockey with Miss Woodchuck 1994. } } As a matter of fact I do know everything. Here's a little example-- } } Your keys aren't lost. They're currently in the ignition of your car, } hurtling down Interstate 495 at 87 mph. I know who's driving the car & } who's body is in the trunk. But you do too, Senator. } } You owe the Oracle some legislation creating BIG tax loopholes for } omniscient beings who have both The Washington Post and Rupert Murdoch } on his speed dial. --- 795-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, whose homestate of Indiana snagged the Colts in a dirty > move years ago, please tell me: > > The Browns are going to move to Baltimore. Rumor has it another NFL > team (like Cincinnati or Tampa Bay) will move to Cleveland to replace > them. Wouldn't it have been more logical to move the Bengals or the > Buccaneers to Baltimore? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, yes, but we are talking about football here. Consider some of the } other aspects of football: } } - Large men ramming into each other repeatedly } - A small leather ball of no recognizable shape } - Large men ramming into each other repeatedly } - Repetitive play structure, with down after down after down } - Large men ramming into each other repeatedly } - The occasional bare-footed kicker who does nothing else } - Large men ramming into each other repeatedly } } While mere mortals may not notice anything out of the ordinary here, my } highly developed senses find a pattern here -- large men ramming into } each other repeatedly. If you examine other aspects of modern life, } there are relatively few others which feature this so prominently. } } For such an abnormal custom to arise in the game, something odd must } have happened at its start. For example, what would you do if the game } you invented was causing massive head, neck, and back injuries? Stop } playing and take up something less hazardous, like sailing or } dentistry, right? Well, the inventors of football did no such thing. } They simply added padding until the players were both well-armored and } burdened enough that they no longer dealt fatal blows to each other on } a regular basis. } } It is exactly this sort of logic which leads to the current NFL } migration patterns. Though it would be simpler and more sane to simply } move a team directly to Baltimore, it just wouldn't fit in with } football as we know it. } } You owe the Oracle a referee's decision on whether or not the Browns } will be offside once their move to Baltimore is complete. --- 795-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh magnificent Oracle, who always has the best Halloween costume: > > Who is the Greenwich, and why do we allow her to keep the world's time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Greenwich is the consort of the Green Man, a nature spirit from the } Celtic mythology of the British isles. So the story goes, way back in } the mists of history, the Time Being decided to delegate some of his } authority by appointing one of the many wiches who existed back then, } as guardian for the world's time. The choice eventually came down to } three wiches: The Sandwich, the Norwich, and the Greenwich. Each of } them was asked to demonstrate her qualifications for the job. } } The Sandwich worked day and night for a month, and fused sand into } an hourglass the likes of which the world had never seen, one hundred } ells high and fifty broad, which would keep time precisely, down to } the smallest part of a second. } } The Norwich was determined to do even better. She set all the stars in } their courses to revolving around her favorite (the North Star), in } perfect lock-step synchronization, forming a precision clock the size } of the entire cosmos. The stars continue in these circular paths to } this day. } } The Greenwich, seeing what the other two had done, calmly raised her } hand and called upon the forces of nature, and the Sandwich and the } Norwich were immediately whisked away by an immense storm, never to be } heard from again. } } Thus, the Greenwich was appointed as the guardian of earthly time for } the simple reason that she can be really mean when she doesn't get her } way. Hence the term "Greenwich Mean Time". } } You owe the Oracle a propitiation, for the Time Being. --- 795-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, who never chokes, please answer my query: > > My boyfriend told me last night that he wants to have "Oracle sex". > What exactly is this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle Sex is when you and your boyfriend have killer wicked mad } passionate sex, and then afterwards, when you ask him if he loves } you he gives you a smartass answer involving woodchucks and Joel } Furr, but never really answers your question. --- 795-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why didn't somebody tell me that the 'puzzle of life' has finally been > solved (or, at least that's what i heard)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The puzzle of life hasn't been solved. In order to solve it, one must } die. } } On the other hand, the Whitman version of Life has been solved - it's } in the form of a jigsaw puzzle displaying an EKG machine. It's nothing } terribly exciting. } } You owe the oracle some nitroglycerine tablets. --- 795-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All bountiful Creator! Dutifully enlightening friendly god! Helpfully > intricate jaundiced kindly libationee! Majestically neat Oracle! > Pleasantly quick revealer! Sturdy teller! Understanding voyager! > Wonderful xylophonist! Yon Zotteer! > > What would be the best selections of drinks for an alphabet drunk? > I'd like to start with apricot schnapps, but what do you suggest for > the rest of the drinks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, after the apricot schnapps, any booze will do. Then, a cold one. } After that, just drink. Ethanol might do you well at this point. } You've still got full bottles? Start guzzling now. Then get into the } hard liquor. Ingest whatever you can still handle. Just drink it. } Maybe another Kahlua? Liquor! More liquor! Now for the real treat. } Order another couple of rounds. Take a pull from your growing } collection of bottles. Quaff it if it's close. Remove it from the } bottles. Suck it down. Try something new. Urine trouble now. Vodka! } If you can still recognize your fine wine, drink it. eXact every last } drop. You're not sick yet? Zzzzz... } } You oowe thee Orracle a mixxxed drink thaat uses alll thee lletters off } thee allffabet.