From oracle-request Tue Nov 14 09:14:32 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.38) id JAA06858; Tue, 14 Nov 1995 09:14:32 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 14 Nov 1995 09:14:32 -0500 (EST) From: "Usenet Oracle" Message-Id: <199511141414.JAA06858@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #794 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 794 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #794 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 14 Nov 1995 09:14:32 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 794 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 789 90 votes 4cxqf 5hrre copk9 7pzj4 8ikok 2eBt8 4dxy6 aomoa 4fqri gttd3 789 3.1 mean 3.4 3.3 2.9 2.9 3.3 3.3 3.3 3.0 3.4 2.5 --- 794-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, oh oracle, whose hair is really pretyy, > > How? How can I be like Kip? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, articulate supplicant, } } When I first received this question, I assumed that you were just } another clueless supplicant who mistyped a question. "Kip" is just } not a word used in everyday talk. However, I looked it up in my } Funk & Wagnalls, and, sure enough, there it is: } } Kip, n.: A small bundle of animal hides, esp. from small animals. } } My apologies for assuming your ignorance. You must actually } have a vocabulary superior to most of your mortal friends. } } At any rate, to your question: The answer should be obvious. } Find yourself a cheese slicer - you know, the kind with } the wire and the yellow roller. Hold it in your left hand, and place } it on the outside of your right arm just below your shoulder. } Pressing hard, run it down your arm to the elbow. This should } neatly remove a quarter-inch thick layer of dermis. Lay the } piece out on a table, draw an outline of a selected small } animal as it appears in pelt form, and use an Exacto knife } to cut the removed skin into the outlined shape. Discard the } excess. Cut a two-foot length of string, and lay it on the table. } Lay the newly-created pelt on the middle of the string. } Repeat this several times, using different parts of your body, } until you have a small pile of pelts in the middle of the string. } Now, lift both ends of the string, bring them together over the pile, } and tie them in a knot, creating a bundle. You are now like Kip. } } You owe the Oracle a LOT of aloe vera lotion. --- 794-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wondrous Oracle who always looks both ways before crossing the > street... > > Could you please tell me why my dad's dress socks > all have green toe seams? > > Thank you And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant, } } It's a little known fact that socks had a complex society and a } vibrant culture until they were usurped by human beings. You can } prove this for yourself by observing all the myriad ways in which } socks express their innermost feelings. However, among dress socks, } the female of the species always had a green toe seam. } } But to cut a long story short, as part of the ruthless destruction } of the sock way of life, humans have banished all the male socks } to a different dimension (somewhere behind the washing machine, } generally speaking), to prevent the socks from breeding and putting } cotton companies out of business. So dress socks, like all the } others you may have, are all female, and thus invariably have a } green toe seam. } } This sock-apartheid also explains why socks sometimes just seem to } vanish, leaving behind single bereaved siblings, the so-called } "odd" sock. These fortunate socks have been snatched back by the } males from the washing-machine dimension, where they take part in } a great plan to produce a great invasion army of whole socks to } reclaim the world from the human usurpers. } } I am reliably informed that the day of the socks will soon be upon } us. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of Birkenstocks. --- 794-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, buddy, what's that yer drinkin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } It's the new and improved FireWater from Marlan Breweries. Are you } tired of flat, tastless beer? Do you have trouble getting drunk? } Are you looking for excitement in your drinking? If so, then the new } and improved FireWater is for you! With many new ingredients, } including tabasco and tobacco, FireWater's got a kick like a mule. } } FireWater. Goes down quick and comes up quicker. } } } } You owe the Oracle a hangover cure. --- 794-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, oracle, burning bright, in the forests of the night, what > immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry? > > In what language, exactly, does 'eye' rhyme with 'symmetry'? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In binary. Allow me to illustrate: } } The word "eye" translated into binary is: } 011001010111100101100101 } } The word "symmetry" translated into binary is: } 0111001101111001011011010110110101100101011101000111001001111001 } } As you can see, they rhyme quite nicely. } } You owe the Oracle a pocket hex-to-octal converter and a green pen. --- 794-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ObGrovel: Oh, Great One, whose very existence enlightens us all, > > How does a doctor determine if his patient has Cronic Fatigue Syndrome? > I mean, don't we all have reoccuring and unavoidable episodes of > fatigue? > > *yawn* And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "ObGrovel"? "Cronic"? } } Listen, supplicant, there is a *big* difference between fatigue and } plain laziness! Not to mention the condition known as "brain dead". } } Still, I'll assume that you were just too tired to proof-read your } question before you sent it. } } To test if a patient is chronically fatigued or simply lazy, place him } in a comfortable chair with his feet on a stool. The room should have } subdued lighting and be comfortably warm. Soothing music should be } played low in the background. } } In the middle of the room, at least 20 feet from the chair, should be } placed the following objects: } } (1) a large glass of the subject's favorite beer } (2) a 486 PC with the opening screen of "Doom II (Knee-Deep In the } Dead)" displayed, and with a state-of-the-art game toggle attached } (3) a large black box with a red button attached, with a label on it } stating "WARNING: Pressing This Button Will Cause All Software } Engineers Who Developed Windows95 To Be Instantly Incinerated!" } } If the subject gets up and drinks (1), plays with (2) and presses (3), } he is normal. } } If the subject gets up and only drinks (1) and presses (3), he is } lazy. } } If the subject gets up and only presses (3), he is chronically } fatigued. } } If the subject does not take advantage of the opportunity to even press } (3), he is brain-dead. } } You owe the Oracle a large bottle of vitamins. --- 794-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moon light? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, as a matter of fact, I have. I found him to be a moderately } proficient dancing partner, although he lacked grace on certain } high-clipped pair-waltz steps. } } You owe the Oracle a flap-ball-change. --- 794-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most magnificent and enduring, scion of seers, thou whoest seeest deep > into the hearts and minds of mere mortal beings, please hear my > question, and deign to bestow upon this most humble supplicant, a > hearty dosage of thy wisdom. > > Which should I choose, paper or plastic? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } . } } >> Which should I choose, paper or plastic? } } I assume, supplicant, that you are asking about the bags dispensed } in stupormarkets all over the country. Verily I answer unto thee, that } when asked 'Paper or plastic,' thou should say but one word; yes. } } Not only will this serve to confuse the poor, defenseless bagger at } the base of the checkstand, and render you much amusement from their } resultant expression, but it will also be correct in the technical } sense. For I have discovered that even the paper bags used in today's } stores have at least a ten-percent plastic content. } } Go forth, and spread this joyous news. You owe the Oracle a roll of } Saran Wrap (the heavy-duty variety). --- 794-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We here at Oracle Labs(tm) are trying out a new olfactory answering } system. This is the first in a series of "Scratch-and-Sniff" Oracular } replies. } } For best performance, it is preferable that you be surrounded by a } group of people you want to impress. } } Well, here goes "Oracular Scratch-and-Sniff Test #1" } } /-----------------------------------\ } | | } | Scratch | } | here for | } | your | } | answer | } | | } \-----------------------------------/ } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Calvin Klein's Obsession for Prophetic } Deities(tm). --- 794-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are blueprints blue? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Perhaps you've heard the story about why old computers use only capital } letters -- it was decided to save money by only including one case on } print chains, they ran some tests and concluded that lowercase was more } legible and therefore should be the one used, and then some suit } pointed out that } } "If you include only lowercase, it would be impossible to spell } the name of the Deity correctly." } } So for twenty years or so, computers used exclusively uppercase. } } There's a similar story about blueprints. Engineers always used to } design things in many colors, because that made reading the designs } easier. When blueprint machines were first invented, they could } reproduce in all colors, because the originals were multicolored. } Unfortunately, those machines were very expensive. The company that } made them decided that they would sell more if they cut out the } multicolor feature, because then they could cut their costs by 75% and } therefore reduce the price by about half. } } So they asked a bunch of engineers what color they would like to see } single-color replications of their designs be, and most said "Black on } white" because that's more readable than anything else. So they were } going to make the new machines print in black on white, and then some } suit said } } "If there were no blue, it would be impossible to reproduce IBM's } logo correctly." } } And from that day on, blueprints have been blue. } } You owe the Oracle a plotter. --- 794-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise who can probably do adding and take aways in his > head:- > > Will Amerika really go bust this time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Omnipresence can be useful for accounting purposes. I can access every } item of monetary data on the planet, from the largest corporate } accounts to the contents of a child's piggy-bank. } } If you add up all the assets of the USA and subtract all the debts the } net result is $3.57. The issue is that Congress and Clinton can't } decide how to spend the $3.57 (Macdonalds or Burger King?), and so have } filed for insolvency. } } Interestingly $3.57 is the exact amount of cash that would be required } to buy enough Cyanide to wipe out the lot of them. } } You owe the Oracle a non-cynical perspective of 90's American } Government.