From oracle-request Fri Oct 27 09:10:32 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/9.4jsm) id JAA02739; Fri, 27 Oct 1995 09:10:32 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 27 Oct 1995 09:10:32 -0500 (EST) From: "Usenet Oracle" X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #790 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 790 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #790 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 27 Oct 1995 09:10:32 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 790 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 785 84 votes eodif 8rui1 9bxla 7elwa 5oyg5 5hto9 2mpq9 38tvd 17pwj ccinj 785 3.2 mean 3.0 2.7 3.1 3.3 2.9 3.2 3.2 3.5 3.7 3.3 --- 790-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 0h 0rac13, \/\/h0 iz the m0st k-rad d00d uv a11 ti/\/\3, d0 u no ne > g00d sitez? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The world is a big and amazing place, and there are of course a myriad } of interesting sights (and sites). Here are a few: } } -The Aurora Borealis (or Australis for that matter) } -The left cranium of Zaphod Beeblebrox immediately after he's consumed } a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster } -The Sydney Opera House at dawn } -The Taj Mahal at sunset } -Stonehenge on midsummer's day } -Newgrange on mid-winter's day } -Lisa at any time of the day } } The common feature all these sites share is that none of them is on } Internet. That should tell you something. } } You owe the Oracle a back-to-front baseball cap and a spell checker --- 790-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Greatest of great ones, infernal desire, epitome of ... well, > everything, alkowing, all-seeing, all-doing, all- ... well, everything, > oh mightiest of the mighty who possesses more knowledge in your very > excrement than all humans combined, I beg of you an answer to this most > deep of questions: > > How do I get rich -- QUICK???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At your local grocers, just above the ice cream. I prefer the chocolate } but, since you can't drink it slow . . . get the strawbery too. --- 790-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who am I ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Normally, you'd be nothing more than a *ZOT* for lacking a grovel. I'm } in a good mood, though, so I'll give you a quick quiz, to allow you to } i.d. yourself. } } 1. When I think of the ideal vacation spot, I imagine: } a. a beach in Tahiti, with white sands and free drinks. } b. a casino in Las Vegas, with pull tabs and free drinks. } c. Inuvik, in winter } d. a Doom telnet site, with all the connect time I want. } } 2. You're at a COMDEX conference, and a beautiful woman sits down } beside you at the "Computers: Are they Really Real Now?" seminar. } What do you do: } a. smile and make a flippant remark about some geek across the room } b. tell her she must be lost, that the Mary Kay convention is in 231B } c. sweat profusely and use your remote login to ask for advice } from the guys in channel #Ilikehotbabes for advice } d. start a conversation about her laptop } } 3. I think the coolest band that ever was is: } a. the Doors } b. Molly Hatchet } c. REM } d. Dave Brubeck and his orchestra } } 4. If I were Bill Gates, the next thing I'd do is: } a. give all my money to charity, and strive to make the world a } better place } b. use my vast resources for nothing but games, games, games } c. kill the programmer who created "Bob" } d. build a whole new computer system, called "Spruce Goose" } } 5. The four elements are: } a. earth, air, fire and water } b. IBM, MacIntosh, SUN and Motorola } c. monitor, modem, mouse and motherboard } d. cheetos, doritos, Marlboros and Budweiser } } Ok, now here's the scoring: "a"'s are worth 1, "b"'s worth 2, etc. } Add up your score, divide it by the amount of time you took to complete } this, mulitply by Pi (to the 30th decimal), and add the amount of Snow } White's dwarves names you can remember. } } less than 30 points: normal. My guess is accountant, fireman or cowboy } would be good careers for you. } } 30-75 points: edgy. Bungee jumping might be a hobby. Unix programmer, } computer salesman, or 7-11 clerk are all fitting career choices. } } 75+ points: loopy. You must be, or should be, a Sysop or working Tech } Support (hopefully over the phone). } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "What Colour is Your Parachute?". --- 790-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, hi, Tommy. I moved the pinball machines in the back room. --- 790-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh great and most wise oracle, please, impart upon me some of your > infinite wisedom and in your generosity answer this question, > > Why is the inertial mass of a system equal to the gravitational mass? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Are you asking this because you want to chuck your PC system out of the } window? } I understand. Welcome to Windows95. } } You owe the Oracle an old joke: What's the best way to accelerate a PC? } 9.8m/s/s, straight down. --- 790-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > is the english thing due tomorrow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, God, I completely forgot! [*] } } [*] Omniscience is not incompatible with abject stupidity. Trust me. } I know. } } What was the topic again? Shakespeare's influence on modern culture? } Okay. . . } } ************************** } } To be, or not to be -- } that is the question; Should I stay or should I go now? } whether tis nobler in the mind If I go there will be trouble; } to suffer the slings and arrows if I stay it will be double. . . } of outrageous fortune. . . } [Shakespeare, Hamlet] [The Clash] } } ************************** } } . . .that undiscovered } country, from whose bourn "Game over, man!" } no traveller returns. } [Shakespeare, Hamlet] [Hudson, Aliens] } } ************************** } } If it were done when 'tis done, } then 'twere well it were done Just do it. } quickly. } [Shakespeare, Hamlet] [Nike] } } ************************** } } You owe the Oracle about 400 years of back-royalties. --- 790-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When will it happen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What? Oh, you mean the *big* it, don't you? As in "doin' it", "gettin' } it" and "was it good for you?". } } Take this simple test to determine the probability of "it" happening } this week: } } -Start with 50% } } -Add 10% if you resemble Superman } -Subtract 15% if you resemble Super Mario } } -Add 10% if you're wearing red } -Subtract 25% if you're wearing "high karate" } } -Add 15% if you have an accent } -Subtract 15% if you drive an Accent } } -Add 25% if you have a great body } -Subtract 50% if that great body is stored where the cops won't find it } } -Add 30% if you're the lead singer in a famous band } -Subtract 30% if that band is "Blues Travellers" } } -Add 25% if you have a condom handy at all times } -Subtract 40% if it's used } } You owe the Oracular an "It Happens" bumpersticker --- 790-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ooogh! Owie. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you would *think* that you would spell it like that, wouldn't you. } But, you are incorrect. It is actually Oougenoue. Here is all the } information I have on it: } } Oougenoue: } A small island in the South Pacific, located at 42'37" S latitude, } 164'17" W longitude. } Approximately 8.263771 square miles in size. } Shaped somewhat like Alfred E. Newman. } } Native population flexes greatly, as they are cannibalistic. } Have a very advanced language, consisting of better than eight words. } } Male Female } Average Age 14 17 } Life Expectancy 23 44 } Average Height (meters) 1.572 2.245 } Average Weight (lb) 135 311 } } The island was not "discovered" until 1937. However, it played a major } part in the Tanzanian Army's participation in World War Two. Of } course, those soldiers that stayed there after the war were promptly } eaten. Thus, no colonization has taken place, and very few missionaries } have dared to try and spread the word of his/her God. } } It is rumored that Elvis and Jimmy Hoffa have resort homes there, but } the rumors have thus far been unprovable. } } You owe the Oracle a detailed map of the South Pacific. --- 790-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and knowledgeable Oracle: Can you tell me the names and last > known positions of any ocean going vessels that have been lost (sunk) > prior to 1941 in the vicinity (10 miles) of Cape Breton Island, Nova > Scotia, Canada And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course I can. They are: } } NAME: POSITION: } Miss Traveler Bottom of the ocean } Starboard Ranger Bottom of the ocean } S.S. Candida Bottom of the ocean } Salty Osprey Bottom of the ocean } Seaward Ho! Bottom of the ocean } } You owe the Oracle a collection of all the episodes of "Gilligan's } Island." --- 790-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and never procrastinating oracle, who always does his homework > on time and gets up early, please answer my question: > > I seem to be failing out of school, so I'm going to take a year off. > Some people recommend I do something not involving computers, like > Cliff Stoll says in his new book. What might I possibly do? Work on > a farm? Go to LA and take up acting and choking on polluted air? Go > to London and get run over by people driving on the wrong side of the > street? Please help me with a few suggestions. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Number one. Turn your computer off *now*! If you're going to try & } live without computers, start now. Come on now, reach out and flick } that big red switch, people *can* exist without IRC and MUD. Going } cold turkey is the best way to sweat out a 'net addiction. } } 1, 2, 3... } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } Hah! You couldn't do it. Could you? Hmmm... } } Unfortunately computers are pervading all corners of the globe, so it } won't do you much good to work on a farm or get run over in London. My } suggestion is to take up acting. At least that way people will think } you are working when you're surfing the 'net, or if you turn out to be } an avaerage to poor actor, no one will expect you to work anyway } (leaving you free to "surf 'til you die"). } } You owe the Oracle an ISDN connection.