From oracle-request Sat Oct 21 00:10:45 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id AAA27033; Sat, 21 Oct 1995 00:10:45 -0500 Date: Sat, 21 Oct 1995 00:10:45 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #788 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 788 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #788 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 21 Oct 1995 00:10:45 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 788 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 783 93 votes 5gFla 2nrmj 8sEb6 bmyh9 5puhg 5fmyh 49jAp 8gmwf inoia 02jwE 783 3.3 mean 3.2 3.4 2.8 2.9 3.2 3.5 3.7 3.3 2.8 4.2 --- 788-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle most sublime in wisdom and arcane knowledge and lore, I > fearfully prostrate myself before you for the first time to ask most > meekly your Delphic utterance. Please answer my most humble and, in > your divine yes, most insignificant question. > > Should I trash my hand-crafted Linux setup and worship at the altar > of WinGates 95, thus becoming apostate? > > I will now disembowel the sacrificial hard drives, hoping your wisdom > will enlighten my poor self. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle knows the decision must ultimately be yours, but Iwill } provide you with much needed information. However, I will not give } your usual boring accounting of the various technical differences and } capabilities of each. Instead I will concentrate on 'intangibles'. } } Which operating system will make me more popular at parties? } } This is tough, since 95% of people will ignore you once the words } 'Operating System' comes out of your mouth (not coincidentally, 95% of } people will ignore you when the words 'Green Day' come out of your } mouth). Four percent will want to hear about Windows 95 and your } experiences with it, since it will be more widely used. One percent } will want to hear about Linux, but only because they are so drunk they } assume you are talkning about Linus from Peanuts. } } What does each operating system say about me, as an individual? } } Windows 95 says, 'I am not me, I am not an individual, but a sheep.' } Linux says, 'Look at me I'm somebody! Please, look at me...somebody? } WHy is everybody ignoring me? You people don't understand, Linux is } logical, cool, configurable. I AM a computer science geek...LOOK AT } ME!' } } Will either operating system make me more attractive to members of the } opposite sex? } } Ummm....No. } } WHich operating system will make me more successful in my career? } } I would actually recommend for career advancement the following } operating systems: Brown Nose, Butt Kisser, Boss' Pet. } } Which operating system makes my whites their whitest? } } Linux is the clear winner here, if you can find the obscure coding to } do just exactly right. Windows 95 will take the shirt right off your } back and put in Bill Gates bank account. } } Which operating system will make me better connected with Usenet } Oracle? } } Sadly, for you supplicant, neither OS will help here. The Oracle is } itself the most crash-proof, multitasking, multithreaded OS ever } invented, but is beyond the scope of mortal humans consciousness. } Linux and Windows 95 insult my intelligence (which is vast). } } The final decision is now yours, however, one final thing. When Bill } Gates owns the world, do you want to be considered subversive for not } using WIndows 95?? } } You owe the Oracle a copy of any computer magazine that hasn't } mentioned Windows 95 with the last three months. --- 788-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Grandiose, marvelous, stupendous, and neato-keeno Oracle, > > How can I grow a prehensile tail? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } PREHENSILE TAIL (serves 1) } } Ingredients: } 55 Q-tips } Oxygenated H20 } 4 ft of garden hose } monofilament neural wire } five medium bladders (natural are better, but rubber will work) } 3 oz. monkey blood } DNA splicing machine } 1 liter of 1 molality retrovirus C-4K } Letter opener } 4 bananas, peeled } Fur (to taste) } } 1. In a large bowl, mix Q-tips and H20 until cotton tips are soaked } through. } } 2. Using DNA splicing machine, splice monkey DNA into the retrovirus. } } 3. Carefully thread neural wire through the garden hose. Tie at } one end. } } 4. Inflate bladders with warm water, and secure in a chain with } hose. Tie loose end of neural wire to the last bladder. Bend } the chain into an ovoid shape. } } 4. Cut yourself on the tip of the coccyx with the letter opener. } One after another, dip Q-tips into the retrovirus mixture and } apply to the wound. } } 5. If at any time you feel a need to eat a banana, feel free to } do so. Do not forget to chew. } } 6. Wait 10 days. } } 7. As your posterior will be quite inflamed and painful for many } days, if you need to sit, sit on the ovoid bladder chain. } } At this point, you should have a long, prehensile tail. You may } use ordinary superglue to affix fur, should you desire. --- 788-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O ever-upright Oracle, since buttered toast always lands buttered side > down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied > a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, my! An original question! } } [sound of orchestra in background performing } Handel's Messiah] } } First of all, your groveling is found wanting. 'O } ever-upright Oracle' C'mon. The Oracle has no fixed } spatial orientation. } } Now, your question. I suppose you're trolling for some } kind of "we asked an Engineer/Scientist/Philosopher" or } "the answer in Zen/Judaism/ANSI C" answer. That's been } done, and the Oracle does not repeat itself. Do you hear } me? The Oracle does _not_ repeat itself! } } [reaches shelf for large, dusty tome.] } } Someday, I'll release this FAQ to the public and avoid } these situations. } } } } Let's see here... Chapter 11, Woodchucks... Chapter 19, } Noses, run and Feet, smell... Chapter 27 Cargo and Shipping } ...ah! Here we are, Chapter 31 of the FAQ: } } The Cat and Buttered Toast Paradox } (the real answer) } } Under normal conditions, if toast is tied to a cat's back } with the buttered side of the toast facing away from the } cat, and the whole resulting ensemble is dropped from a } height of no more than four meters, the cat will generally } be unencumbered by the toast, land on its feet, become } extremely irked that you've tied it to your breakfast and } hurled it off the veranda, and promptly urinate on your } pillow. } } Caveats: } a) dropping said ensemble from heights greater than 16 } meters makes the problem unsolvable as the end result } is that, after the fall, it is generally difficult to } distinguish what was cat and what was toast. } } b) it has been reported that if one toasts and butters } a rather large batard and successfully gets it tied } to a cat, the loaf is generally heavy enough so that } it lands first instead of the cat. The result is } reported to be highly amusing as the cat struggling to } right itself looks like a whiskered box turtle. } } You owe the Oracle a loaf of sourdough bread, a siamese cat, } and a trampoline. --- 788-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much fur would Joel Furr fir if Joel could fir fur? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I know what this is. You're one of those askme merchants who's been } shamed by Joel's incessant whingeing in rec.humor.oracle.d all last } week into sending a off tellme to keep the queue topped up. But you } just couldn't resist putting the boot into the poor old lemur-fancier } at the same time, could you? } } Okay, so let's put our cards on the table. All you want is to answer } the question you get in return for this one with a clear conscience. } And since you couldn't give a toss about the response you get here, } answer me this: why should I waste even the tiniest smidgin of my } omniscience on it? } } However, I don't like to see even such grudging, know-it-all } supplicants as yourself go away empty-handed, so I tell you what I'll } do -- I'll let Zadoc answer it. Zadoc! Hoi, ZADOC!! } } [Enter Zadoc the Priest, shuffling on his knees as custom demands] } } ZADOC: You bellowed, O Turbolunged One? } } ORACLE: Yes indeedy, Zadoc my boy. I am about to do you an honor beyond } your wildest imaginings, or deservings for that matter. } } ZADOC: Master! I don't know what to say! I feel faint! I swoon! Pinch } me and tell me I'm not dreaming! } } ORACLE: You tempt me sorely... Be that as it may, I am totally } knackered and shagged out after a prolonged soul-saving session, and } am in urgent need of rejuvenation. So I'm spending the next two hours } in a sensory-deprivation tank. In the meantime, you have the helm. } You can start by answering this here supplication. } } ZADOC [blenching]: Master! I can't answer supplications! I'm not } omniscient! } } ORACLE: Don't worry -- I've already broadcast the appropriate } government health warning. Let me introduce you: Supplicant, this is } Zadoc, one of my finest, as these things go, Oracular Priests. Zadoc, } this is a Supplicant. It won't bite if you don't annoy it. I'm sure } you two'll get on like a house on fire. Tatty-bye! } } ZADOC: Master! Don't leave me! I can't... } } [The Oracle disappears in a puff of green smoke. Zadoc the Priest darts } around the Oracular Chamber like a trapped animal. Then his shoulders } slump in resignation and he returns like a condemned man to face the } great console before the Oracle's throne. From the monitor above it, a } question leers at him] } } > How much fur would Joel Furr fir if Joel could fir fur? } } Gosh, um, that's a tough one. Joel Furr... he's that guy with the lemur } fixation, isn't he? So are you talking about lemur fur? Is there } something special about it? And how do you fir fur? What's "fir"? I } mean apart from a tree. Is it a real verb? Why oh why must my Master be } so omniscient that he doesn't need to have any dictionaries about the } place! } } Look, this is no good - I'll have to fetch some dictionaries and } reference books from the university library. Just hang on a while, } okay? } } [One and a half hours pass] } } Hi, I'm back again. Sorry about your having to wait. You wouldn't } believe how abusive these librarians can get when you say you need to } take out some of their reference books. Hey, how many students do you } know who are going to come into the library in the evening when they } should be out getting drunk, just so they can look up words in the } dictionary? I mean like, get *real*! } } Anyway, so I had to do all my research there, but I couldn't find any } verb "to fir". Is it a made-up word? No, wait! It could be a computing } term! I've got a hacker's dictionary in my cubicle! I won't be a } minute! } } [Twenty minutes pass] } } Nope, no good. There's a verb "to finn", which apparently means "to } pull rank on somebody based on the amount of time one has spent on } IRC". I don't suppose it was a typo and you really meant that, did you? } Uhuh, didn't think so... } } What else, what else? ROT13? "Ubj zhpu she jbhyq Wbry Shee..." A code } in the capital letters? "HJFJ". C++ programming? I-ching? Oh god, this } has to mean *something*! } } [A smell of ozone and wisps of green smoke warn Zadoc the Priest that } he is no longer alone. He leaps from the Oracular throne, where he had } irreverently seated himself, as if 2000 volts had suddenly been passed } through it, and cowers on his knees in the corner of the room] } } ORACLE: Well, how've you been getting on? What! Still on the same } question? } } ZADOC [weeping]: Forgive me, O Cyberbenevolent One! I am such a worm, I } am unworthy of your trust! Cast me out from your Priesthood, I } deserve no better! } } ORACLE: There, there, don't be so hard on yourself. I'll let you into a } little Oracular secret. Take this here supplication -- do you see } anything wrong with it? } } ZADOC: I've studied it all evening, Master, but the meaning eludes my } feeble wits. } } ORACLE: Not the meaning -- do you see anything missing? At the start, } for instance? } } ZADOC: No, I... [his face contorts in an expression of utmost horror } and loathing] NO GROVEL!! This *vile* supplicant has failed to honor } you!! The *heathen*! The **atheist**! THE SPAWN OF SATAN!! } } ORACLE: And what do we do to suppicants who don't grovel? } } ZADOC: *ZOT* THEM TO OBLIVION!! } } ORACLE: Would you care to press that large red button on the right side } of the console? } } ZADOC [hardly daring to believe his ears]: M-master! May I? Me? Are you } sure? } } ORACLE: Go on -- pretend it's your birthday. } } > > ZOT < < } } ORACLE: See? Omniscience isn't that hard when you get the hang of it. --- 788-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, I beg of You, an answer to this question > The answer would be unto me, a pillow I could rest on > I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, because of this conundrum > My life, once rich, is now reduced to neverending humdrum > > So vexing is my problem, and so dire is my plight > That I now turn to USENET, in hope of finding Light > "The Oracle will know" they say, and send me on my way > I come to you, my hopes are high, Oh! will this be the day? > > Now to the point, I cannot lie, though I may quake with fear > 'Tis said the Oracle does hate this question that I bear > But I will state my question, and then hastily I'll duck > If a woodchuck did chuck wood, then how much would it chuck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh supplicant, most pitiful, } Who rhymes in aabb, } It really would be wonderful } If you would awaken and see } } That I, the Oracle, am so great, } So wise, so proud, so good, } My knowledge soars! And so I hate } Questions that deal with wood. } } Ask me of planets. Ask me of stars. } Ask me of hidden treasure. } Ask me of vintage Model T cars, } And other mortal pleasures. } } But woody questions I cannot abide. } They fill my soul with anger! } So do not wonder if my answer is snide, } And you find yourself in danger. } } So, supplicant, learn this lesson well, } When the Oracle's anger burns hot, } You'd best fear and tremble for the fires of hell, } Are nothing to an Oracular Zot. } } <*ZOT*>!!! } } Your smoking remains (or next of kin) owe the Oracle an original sonnet } praising the Oracle's wisdom. And a fire extinguisher. --- 788-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, mighty Oracle, who sees all, knows all, and yet remains untainted > with the miasma that so taints modern civilisation, grant this poor > supplicant the gift of your wisdom, and tell me: > > How come I NEVER have enough money to buy all the comics I want to? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (sniff) What's that smell? Oh YUCK -- its a tainted grovel. Lisa, } hand me that Lysol, willya? Thanks! (sound of ozone-destroying spray) } Whew! That's better. Gawd, I hate the smell when those things go } bad. Now, where was I? Oh yeah. } } It is a little-known fact that money is composed of particles called } monons. Monons are, in turn, made up of smaller particles called } cashons and creditons. } } Sometimes a monon will absorb a crediton. When it does, it splits } into two or more smaller monons, and emits two creditons and a packet } of thermal energy called an ouchon. The two emitted creditons may } then proceed to split other monons. If the money in the neighborhood } is sufficiently dense, a self-sustaining reaction can be set up. This } gives rise to the condition known as "money burning a hole in your } pocket," and less directly to the phenomenon called "chain smoking." } } The effect is that the larger the concentration of money there is in } your pocket, the more it hurts to hang on to it. Thus you always want } to spend more than you have. } } You owe the Oracle two Batmans and a new particle physics textbook. --- 788-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Silence is golden. > Loose lips sink ships. > No news is good news. > > What is the origin of these expressions, and are they > trying to give us a hint? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No comment. --- 788-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh historical Oracle most wise, please share with me the answer to this > very insignificant question. > > Why is Teddy Roosevelt always depicted charging up San Juan Hill when > there were no horses in Cuba during the Spanish-American War? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That wasn't a horse. That was Fidel Castro before he shaved his back. } } You owe the Oracle something pleasant to think about. --- 788-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wise all-knowing Oracle of the Net! Tell me: Why is it dark at > night? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, when light was first invented, it was very difficult to } produce, and so only a limited amount was made. It was agreed that this } should be equally accessed by everyone. A number of different schemes } were tried, and different places have settled on different schemes, but } all have light for about half the time. Some places have their light in } one six-month stint, while other divide each day evenly, with 12 hours } of light each day, throughout the year. } } The problem is that when an area's light ration has run out, they have } to have the dark. The processes of producing light have significantly } improved since it's first inventions, but unfortunately, the world } powers have never been able to agree on the full distribution of the } light, so things have stayed as they are. --- 788-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please consider this humble question, oh Mighty Usenet Oracle: > A friend of mine has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. How do > these diseases spread from computers to people??? Please help. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Humans catch these diseases only through direct contact with magnetic } media. } } In the early days of computers, computer operators would contract } diseases regularly from 9-track magnetic tapes. (However, back in } those days, terminal diseases were quite uncommon. It was more usual } for them to get Punch/Reader Syndrome.) This problem was solved by } the introduction of self-loading tape drives. } } The problem surfaced again when the first personal computers came on } the market. The original CP/M machines used 8" floppy disks, which } had a hole where the medium was directly exposed. In the interest of } public safety, the manufacturers put warnings on the label, DO NOT } TOUCH THE DISK, but of course warnings like that just act as } incentive for people to disobey them. The TRS-80, with its casette } tape drive, was another culprit, and the problem continued for } several years, as the 5.25" floppy disks did nothing to solve it. } } Modern magnetic media - the 3.5" floppies and DC-120 tape cassettes - } have mechanisms built in to ensure that the media are not exposed } when they are removed from their drives. This is a significant } advance, and has reduced the incidence of terminal diseases } by about 70%. Unfortunately, the safety devices are easy to } defeat. On a 3.5" floppy, for instance, all you have to do is slide } the little spring-loaded cover over to the left, and there's the } disk, just waiting for you to poke a finger at it. Ask your friend, } and you'll find out that's what he's been doing. } } You owe the Oracle a box of condoms for his disks, to stop his } computer from getting viruses.