From oracle-request Mon Oct 9 11:45:42 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id LAA17268; Mon, 9 Oct 1995 11:45:42 -0500 Date: Mon, 9 Oct 1995 11:45:42 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #784 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 784 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #784 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 9 Oct 1995 11:45:42 -0500 @@@ Happy Birthday, Usenet Oracle! @@@ @@@ The Usenet Oracle celebrated it's 6th birthday Sunday, 8 October 1995. @@@ That's about ... let's see ... 1,320 in Internet years. To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 784 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 779 79 votes 6foq8 3rqj4 28vy4 ajkm8 3aomk dts81 ifjj8 gtp81 blue3 4vqd5 779 2.9 mean 3.2 2.9 3.4 3.0 3.6 2.4 2.8 2.4 2.7 2.8 --- 784-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh you, wise Oracle, who can be simultaneously > at one billion places, and who lives in a > 92551878-dimensional space (at least), > I have a big problem. > > Our teacher want us to follow a lot of courses, > unfortunately most of them are at the same hour. > And they don't accept us to be absent. > > So, do you know an efficient way to acquire > ubiquity? (Some teleportation would also be > useful) > > A poor maths student in France. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mais oui, mon ami, c'est une space/time probleme (pardon my French). } } Since the time part seems to be the invariant quantity here, you need } to apply your efforts to the space aspect of the problem. True ubiquity } is a tall order, but you can have at least small parts of you spread } over a wide area. This of course will involve a not inconsiderable } quantity of explosive material, so the Oracle has forwarded your } details to one J. Chirac, Paris. } } You owe the Oracle an atoll in the South Pacific and a small } thermonuclear device. --- 784-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I need an answer quickly......Why did I choose pharmacy as my major? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hm... That's a toughie. Let's check the crystal ball.. } } } REPLY HAZY. } TRY AGAIN } LATER } } Hmm.. } } MY SOURCES } SAY NO } } That's no good, hang on... } } YOU ARE AN INSANE } IDIOT WHO TRAVELS } THE HIGHWAY OF PAIN. } THE PERIODIC TABLE IS } STAMPED INTO YOUR } BRAIN AND YOUR HIDDEN } LUST FOR THE BITTERSWEET } FRUIT OF KNOWLEDGE OF } ORGANIC CHEMISTRY IS } UNSHAKEABLE. HOWEVER, } YOU WILL LOOK RATHER } SHARP IN YOUR WAL-MART } UNIFORM. PHARMACY'S } HOLD ON YOU IS UNBREAKABLE. } } Unlike this stupid ball... *Crashtinkletinkle* } } You owe the Oracle a new crystal ball. You can have the bits of the old } one. --- 784-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle wondrous Oracle, I just think you're adoracle, > with your biting wit so ephemeral and humor noncalorical . . . > > In what way(s) is the "Krusty the Clown" character > based on David Letterman? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant: } } To determine this important fact, we conducted an experiment. We took } Dave Letterman and Krusty the Clown to the top floor of Radio City } Music Hall and threw them off. Dave made an impressive screaming noise } and suffered what might be termed "catastrophic disassembly" at } "terminal impact" (I helped with the Rogers Commission Report.) Three } and one-half liters of various bodily fluids were collected. Krusty } made his characteristic laugh and a very loud "boing" noise, rebounding } from the pavement and bouncing several times. He then resisted all } attempts at interview and headed across the street to a strip lounge } and consumed a very large amount of alcohol, groping the waitresses and } mumbling little endearments such as "my little bowling ball." } } We concluded the only things Dave and Krusty have in common are their } choice of recreations. } } You owe the Oracle a canned ham. --- 784-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, might bull whose great mental dung fertilizes the > pastures of knowledge, please tell this humble supplicant.......... > > Less Filling or Tastes Great? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [The scene is the Oracle's living room in the Temple Of New Delphi } (Indiana University Branch). We see the Oracle lounging in a chair, } watching the Monday Night Game.] } } Lisa: Why do you even bother, Orrie? You know who's going to win. } } Orrie: True. But I kind of get a kick out of watching you mortals kick } the stuffing out of each other. } } Lisa: Then why don't you watch, ohhhh... professional wrestling or } something? } } Orrie: Heck, you don't have to be the Oracle to know who's going to win } a WWF match! Anyway, it's just no fun anymore without Andre around. } } [On the TV screen, you see a average sports bar. Well, average except } for the fact that THIS sports bar is overflowing with gorgeous women } and the bar's inhabitents are split into two seperate camps: One } shouting "Tastes Great!", the other scream "Less Filling!"] } } Orrie: Didn't I *ZOT* this entire line of commercials a few years back? } } Lisa: Wasn't that the Mento's commercials? } } Orrie: Mento's? Oh, yeah. I remember that smiling idiot and his mute } friends! Nah, I lobotomized the lot of them and made them Microsoft } Vice-Presidents. } } [Lisa shivers at the thought] } } Orrie: (smiling wickedly) THAT'LL teach 'em. ["Tastes Great!" "Less } Filling!"] Oh my, now, what should I do with these dingbats? } } Lisa: Why don't you just answer their question, dear? } } Orrie: Seems reasonable. } } [A flash of light, and The Oracle appears in the middle of the } commerical] } } CROWD: TASTES GREAT! LESS FILL..uh... } } JOCK: Who are you? } } Orrie: I'm the Usenet Oracle. Holder of Knowledge. Possessor of the } cup of Truth. Etc. Etc. Anyway, I'm here to answer your question. } } JOCK: Oh, um, okay. [Offers TUO a beer. Orrie takes a sip.] } } Orrie: Hmmm...tastes like Horse Urine. } } JOCK #2: Oh, how would YOU know? Do you DRINK horse urine? Hah } haOUCH! [The Oracle, with a glance, *ZOT*'s the offending Jock.] } } Orrie: I'm the Oracle. I just KNOW. [Overhead, the words "TASTES } GREAT!" are magically crossed out. Orrie takes another sip.] Hmmm.. } does anybody here REALLY want to know what the calorie content of this } beer is? [All the bar patrons look up into the sky and start to whistle } innocently.] That's what I thought. [The words "LESS FILLING!" get } crossed out as well.] } } [In another flash of light, The Oracle appears back on his chair.] } } Oracle: I guess the answer was "None Of The Above". } } You owe the Oracle some non-alcoholic beer. They're great to kill } weeds with. --- 784-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise and Wonderous Almighty One! (Who would probably make a d*mn good > DJ!) > > I need your expert advice. > > I am a DJ, and am currently having trouble putting my playlist together > for my next show. Could you please give me some suggestions for love > songs in any format? Also, is there any way for me to encourage > call-ins more than what i am doing? > > I appreciate your counsel, O Wise one. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dee-gaw, Supplicant! Considering that there are more love songs than } positive integers, the Usenet Oracle is a little surprised by your case } of "spinner's block." But, I guarantee your call-ins will increase } exponentially by the time you reach the end of this playlist: } } T. Rex } <88 Lines About 44 Women> The Nails } Iggy Pop } The Standells } Robyn Hitchcock } Lightnin' Hopkins } Todd Rundgren } The Cramps } } There are several more general things you can do to increase listener } response to your radio program, as well: } } 1. Hire a sidekick. Vaguely memorable, moderately successful and } marginally talented former child performers are best. Give } preferential hiring consideration to those who have completed rehab for } addictions of any sort. } } 2. Make puerile, bombastic and/or possibly slanderous comments. Make } them often. Direct them at public figures. Dedicate a song from the } playlist to Anita Bryant. Or Kathy Lee Gifford. } } 3. Have a Burt Bacharach marathon. } } 4. Contests. The teeming masses love 'em! Nothing clogs the phone } lines like a freebie. } } Mix and match these techniques for maximum effectiveness. Announce that } you're broadcasting with no pants on in honor of the papal visit, and } offer $100 to the ninth caller who correctly guesses the color of your } underwear and the number of days since your sidekick's last bender. } } You owe The Oracle every issue of *Trouser Press,* and the complete } works of Greil Marcus and Peter Guralnick. Or a 1961 Fender Jaguar. --- 784-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wonderful Oracle, thou who cannot be adequately described > even with ridiculous superlatives, I beg your indulgence and ask that > you supply me with an answer to this admittedly adult-oriented > question: > > I have been informed that "all we are is dust in the wind." If this is > truly the case, why haven't I been blown lately? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You haven't asked. Just walk up to the blower of your choice. If you } want him/her to blow you UP, simply strap a few sticks of dynamite to } your chest and hand over the plunger. If you want him/her to blow you } OFF, simply ask the same question you just asked me. If you want to be } blown DOWN, I'm afraid you're out of luck. The big bad wolf is on } vacation. } } You owe the oracle a chance to use this in a conversation without } getting slapped. --- 784-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, I beg of You, an answer to this question > The answer would be unto me, a pillow I could rest on > I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, because of this conundrum > My life, once rich, is now reduced to neverending humdrum > > So vexing is my problem, and so dire is my plight > That I now turn to USENET, in hope of finding Light > "The Oracle will know" they say, and send me on my way > I come to you, my hopes are high, Oh! will this be the day? > > Now to the point, I cannot lie, though I may quake with fear > 'Tis said the Oracle does hate this question that I bear > But I will state my question, and then hastily I'll duck > So, if a woodchuck did chuck wood, then how much would it chuck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As for the pillow you seek for your sleepy head, } many have searched all through their bed, } But the pillow you seek is not for sleep, } It is for comfort because you're in too deep. } The pillow you seek is within your mind, } the question to ask is "what is my bind"? } When you have figured this out then look within, } because the pillow you seek has ALWAYS there been. } } The woodchuck riddle has been long a long time in query, } To have the answer would make many merry. } But since each woodchuck is as varied as you and I, } to give you an answer would just be a lie. } So, until we can talk to the woodchucks many, } the answer to this is "there can't be any". --- 784-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and mighty: Oracle who knows all, sees all > and tells all Y ,who can predict the Superbowl scores weeks in > advance Y , who is really neat Y ,who is the epitome of > fashion long before it shows up in Playboy , who is really neat > N ; AUTOGROVEL terminated; > I have written a really cool piece of software, the nature of which I > naturally can't reveal, but lots of people will find it handy. The > question is, should I try to market it commercially, release it as > shareware, or just make it freeware as a gesture of humanitarian good > will? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Welcome to O.A.R.S., the Oracular Answer and Response System. Enter } file pathname: } >oracle_stuff/questions/unanswered/software_question } } Analyzing... } Please enter five adjectives: } >sexy, disco-influenced, delusional, Dick Cavett-like, mucous } } Enter a verb (past tense): } >ignored } } Enter a number: } >googolplex } } Enter a plural noun: } >rutabagas } } Enter a verb (present tense): } >zot } } Enter the plural name of a small, undesirable creature: } >marmots } } Enter the name of a famous control-freak: } >Joel Furr } } Processing... } Parser Error #404: "mucous" is a noun. } >No. "Mucus" is noun. "Mucous" is an adjective. } } Oh, you're right. Sorry about that... } Processing complete: } } First of all, thank you for your SEXY grovel. I have IGNORED your } question deeply, and have come to the following DISCO-INFLUENCED } conclusion. You should definitely release it as "DELUSIONAL-ware". } Users try out your software for free for a short period of time, say } GOOGOLPLEX days. If they think it's DICK CAVETT-LIKE, they register it } by sending you a lot of RUTABAGAS. } } Remember to beta-ZOT it thoroughly, to work out all of the MARMOTS. } While you may not become as rich as Microsoft's JOEL FURR, you should } at least be able to afford a new MUCOUS drive for your computer. } } You owe the Oracle a book of Mad Libs. --- 784-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello! > > We have an Elite 600 printer, and we need a new toner cartridge for > it. What is the specific type of cartridge that this printer uses? > > Thanks! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK, piece of cake. Here's what you want to do. } } Go down to your local Byte Shop, CompUSA, Computer City, or whatever } you have in your area. Tell them you want a ribbon for an Epson FX-80. } I know, I KNOW, but trust me on this one, I'm trying to save you some } money here. } } Get the ribbon back to your printer. Open up the toner cartridge, and } the ribbon cartridge. While wearing your best clothes, swap the } contents of one with the other. You see, the inside of your toner } cartridge originally looked just like the stuff inside the Epson ribbon } cartridge, but with use the fibers have broken down and it has become } granular, or in severe cases, powdery. You need to restore these } fibers into the toner cartridge, or it will need total replacement, and } soon. } } So, dump out the old, granular contents of the toner cartridge. Don't } worry about spillage, just dump it on your desk - it's good for the } finish. Now, firmly grasp a section of the ribbon in the Epson } cartridge, and pull it with great vigor and enthusiasm. The ribbon } should easily seperate from the cartridge. } } At this point, trim the ribbon pack if it is too large to fit into the } toner cartridge, using standard desk-grade scissors. Place the ribbon } into the toner cartridge, and close the lid. An adhesive might be } advisable at this point. } } Replace the toner cartridge into your printer at this point, and send } the printer a document. You won't BELIEVE the change in performance! } } You owe the Oracle a fax/modem/copier/scanner. That does PostScript } . In color. --- 784-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How is international ISDN (as specified in ITU-T Recommendation G.961, > etc.) different from US national ISDN (as specified in Bellcore > TR-397)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, supplicant, I'm glad you asked that question! } } It just so happens that last night I was reading up on ISDN. The } Oracle has always been interested in its origins. The American Society } of Donut Nibblers (ASDN) was founded by Irma Shipley in 1934. She } founded Shipley's Donuts in Waxahachie, TX, two years later. She wrote } the Bellcore TR-390 book which is the founding literature for all donut } makers and is still regarded to be the most detailed process in which } to make donuts. A few years later, William Lender, a prominent } businessman who built an empire successfully on nasty, stale bagels, } thought he could capitalize on Ms. Shipley's success. So he formed the } International Society of Donut Nibblers (ISDN) and wrote a synopsis of } his donut experiences, the International Trade Union-Talk magazine } article entitled Recommendation G.961. G.961 was his code name for an } evil plot to take over the world's donut manufacturers and rule the } donut world. Unfortunately, the ISDN standards were way to lax for } American's to put up with, so Emma Shipley, Irma's daughter, sought to } rewrite the donut nibbling laws and entitled it United States } Independent Society of Donut Nibblers, which was published by Bellcore, } publication number TR-397. Hope this helps your donut experiences more } gratifying. } } You owe the Oracle an Entenmann's chocolate dipped donut and a glass of } 2% milk.