From oracle-request Wed Oct 4 09:06:46 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id JAA26599; Wed, 4 Oct 1995 09:06:46 -0500 Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 09:06:46 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #782 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 782 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #782 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 09:06:46 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 782 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 777 85 votes enoi6 9hqo9 bjvi6 8moq5 1asxd 6drsb 6hqkg 4lto7 3bvtb 6swd6 777 3.1 mean 2.8 3.1 2.9 3.0 3.6 3.3 3.3 3.1 3.4 2.8 --- 782-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Gakk! I just had to fill in a purchase order form. > It's the first time I've had to do that here, and > the form has 16 (yes, that's SIXTEEN) carbon copies. > What the heck are all those copies for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The 16-copy form is actually an improvement over the old form, which } had 32 copies. Unfortunately, the form wouldn't fit in any typewriter } and it took such pressure to make sure that all copies were legible } that form-fillers were distinguished by having forearms like Popeye. } } Still, even a 16-copy form can be confusing. Here are what the copies } are for (you'll note that they're also color-coded): } } copy 1 (white): for your files } copy 2 (canary): for the purchasing department's files } copy 3 (green): for the purchasing department's files after they lose } the other one. } copy 4 (gray): for the office of the Controller } copy 5 (light blue): for the office of the EEOC } copy 6 (medium blue): for the office of the ADA Compliance Dept. } copy 7 (dark blue): for the office of the SETI liason officer } copy 8 (black): put in an envelope and tape it to the bottom of the } second, right-hand drawer of your desk. You will be contacted } later. Do not call the police. We mean it. } copy 9 (plaid): for the office of the Shipping/Receiving Department } copy 10 (vertical orange stripes): for the office of the NAFTA Liason } Officer. } copy 11 (horizontal blue stripes): for the office of the Trilateral } Commission } copy 12 (horizontal green stripes): for the office of the Council on } Foreign Relations. } copy 13 (robin's egg blue, with just a touch of purple): for the Office } of Paperwork Compliance } copy 14 (off-white, trending towards ivory, but not quite as dark as } that): for the Office of Oversight over the Office of Paperwork } Complaince. } copy 15 (light orange with random blue dots): for the files of the } Department of Redundancy Department } copy 16 (red, with flashing yellow lights): forward to the Central } Files } } There, that was simple, wasn't it? Did you make sure that you signed } all copies in original? And get all copies notarized? In front of three } witnesses (non of them blood relatives?). And speaking of blood, what } did you use to sign them with? } } You owe the Oracle a set of carpel tunnel-prevention wristbands. --- 782-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, who always mails early in the day... > > Is my 9-digit ZIP code 60201-3804 or 60201-3842? I've gotten both > answers from various Postal Service sources. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Greetings, Supplicant! } } Your zip codes is BOTH 60201-3804 and 60201-3842. You see, the 3804 } suffix applies to your front porch, your kitchen, and your bedroom, } while the 3842 suffix applies to your living room, your bathroom, and } your broom closet. You have to give those folks at the Post Office } credit. They've really got that ZIP code thing nailed down. Now, if } only the would be able to get my letter across town without losing it. } } What this all means, of course, is if you're having that new cookbook } delivered to your house, you would use the 3804 suffix. For that } plunger being delivered rush-priority to help you clean out that } blocked up toilet, use the 3842 suffix. The seconds you save may be } what counts between success and failure. } } You owe the Oracle his own stamp. --- 782-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will Tanya say yes when I ask her out, or will I make an ass of myself? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. And Yes. } } Oh, okay, I'll explain... } } Tuesday, Lunchtime: You'll ask Tanya out. Tired of all the great sex } she's having with Chad (you know, the football player) she'll say } "yes". After all, she wants to try something "less exciting". } } Friday, 6pm: You pick up Tanya wearing your new suit and driving your } Dad's Oldsmobile. She's impressed that you managed to get your acne } under control. } } 6:30pm: You and Tanya arrive at "Chez Paris", a local high-class } French restaurant. You're surprised to learn that Tanya can speak } French: She orders the escargot in a light garlic-cream sauce nestled } in a bed of wild rice with a side order of honey-glazed carrots and a } glass of white wine. Not wanting to look ignorant, you attempt to } order your meal in French as well: You order green shoe-leather with a } side of wood-chips and a glass of rotten grape-juice. } } 6:45pm: Attempting to break the ice, you start up a discussion with } her. The topic switches to Politics, where you loudly and in no } uncertain terms explain your extreme dislike for the Democratic Party } in general, and President Clinton in particular. "Only idiots would } vote for that slime ball! I mean, even a retarded monkey could see } that he's inept and anybody who was stupid enough to vote for him } should be rounded up and put into a insane asylum!" At this point, } Tanya informs you that she had volunteered for the "Clinton In 96" } campaign. } } 7:15pm: After a uneasy dinner (concluded when, for dessert, you } ordered yourself and your date a "plastic pie with vanilla frozen cow") } you decide to go to a movie. You decide a romantic movie would be the } best bet, but, alas, you JUST missed "Showgirls", so you settle for } "Double Happiness". You seem to have made a good choice... she's } enjoying to movie and starting to lighten up, so you decide to try to } make your move: Attempting to act Sophicticated and Suave, you } casually reach your arm out to put it over her shoulder. At this exact } point in time, you'll sneeze, causing your hand to slip and go right } down her top. She will NOT be amused. } } 9:00pm: Both of you decide that maybe it's best if you just take her } home. En route, your car stalls out. You tell her "I'll put the hood } up and we'll then get on", but through the mouthful of corn-nuts you } were eating, SHE heard "Put out or get out." She empties half a can of } Pepper Spray into your face and then catches a cab home. } } Saturday Morning, 12:30am: After your eyes stop stinging, you go home. } Alone, embarrassed, and smelling faintly of jalepeno peppers. } } Monday, Lunchtime: The grapevine finally gets back to you, and you } find out that Tanya has been in communication with every women in town, } making you a marked man. No female will talk to you. Even prostitutes } ignore you. } } Feeling depressed and still a virgin, you end up in a very interesting } situation with..ah, well, that's another question. } } You owe The Oracle the condom in your wallet. You won't be needing it. --- 782-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > While installing my latest Windows-family development package, I was > asked if I wanted to install the ODBC (Omniscient Divine Being > Connectivity) driver for Oracle, and of course I did. > > Since then, though, all I get is people talking about some lemur guy. > Is there a switch I omitted? The online-help just says "Ask the > Oracle"... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You forgot to invoke the .kill/stupid/thread file. This file was } created to fix the lemur bug. You must first delete a file, then run } IQ.exe. At the prompt askme> type the following: } } askme> delete c:\askme\ HMWCWCC.com } askme> IQ.exe } } That should repair any rampant lemur bugs running amok in your system. } } You owe the Oracle DOS for Dummies. --- 782-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O! Are a sea ell ee? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aye, de eye owe tea. --- 782-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise all -knowing Oracle on the Net: Tell me! Why is my computer so > slowly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, obviously you need to speed it up to use your grammar checker, } because your typing is so badly. } } Your computer is slow because it's more than 2 months old, and none of } the latest operating systems work on systems that ancient. But a cheap } way to speed it up is to drop it off the roof of a tall building. --- 782-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wonderful oracle, who knows everything there is to know > about dental hygene; please answer this supplicant's question: > > What toothpaste is best for patching small holes in drywall? What > colors do different brands produce, and do they all show up under > blacklight? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the first place make sure you always use a toothpaste that is } jointly recommended by the ADA (that's American Dental Association) as } well as the ADA (that's American Drywall Association). Second, check } the label for how much "F" is included (that tells you how brightly it } will fluoresce under black light). Finally, new federal regulations } require that the color be indicated by the percentage of inert } ingredients (just multiply by 30 to get angstroms). } } You owe the Oracle a glossy interior latex paint that leaves his walls } minty-fresh and kissable. --- 782-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Incalculable Oracle, I can always count on you. (Myself, I'm so > unreliable that people set their clocks by my absence ... "He's not > here yet; it must be 1995.") > > We in the US have been using Daylight Savings Time since the 1920's. > Where does the Government keep all the saved daylight, and where can I > get my share of it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Originally, the Department of Defense saved up all the daylight } from DST, and hoarded it for use in nuclear weapons. In more } recent times, however, all the nuclear arms reduction treaties } have forced the DoD to cut back on their stores of daylight, } and they have started to release it into the atmosphere. } } Now of course when daylight is stored, it has to be compressed. } There'd never be enough room for it otherwise. And when } compressed daylight is released, it usually transforms into } heat. } } The DoD, of course, is trying to cover all of this up, blaming } the effects on automobiles and coal-fired factories. But the } release of all this stored daylight is the real cause of global } warming. } } You owe the Oracle a parasol. --- 782-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Greetings, Friend Oracle! > > As a avid Role-Playing Gamer, I've noticed a couple things in common > with you (The Usenet Oracle) and The Computer from the RPG "Paranoia" > from West End Games. Please bear with me. > > Physical Description: The Oracle is most often described as a large > eye in a computer monitor. The Computer is most ofter described as a > large eye in a computer monitor as well. > > Information: The Oracle will answer any question if your Grovel is big > enough. The Computer will answer any question if your Security > Clearance is high enough. > > Location: The Computer resides in Alpha Complex, a large underground > city. The Oracle resides at Indiana University in a underground lab. > > Punishment: If you tick off The Oracle, you'll be *ZOT*'ed. If you > tick off The Computer, you'll be terminated (or reassigned to Reactor > Shield Duty.) > > Personnel: The Computer has it's elite forces: The Troubleshooters. > The Oracle has it's elite forces: The Priests. > > Pet Peeves: The Computer has a thing against Mutant Commie Traitors. > The Oracle expresses a strong dislike against Woodchucks. > > Perfection: The Computer is Perfect In Every Possible Regard. Just > ask it. The Oracle is...uh...hmmmm.... never mind. > > So, I guess my question is this: Is there any relation between you and > The Computer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boy, do you have that wrong. Roll 2d2500 for damage. --- 782-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most commendable Oracle, will you write me a letter of recommendation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To whom it may concern: } } Please be advised that the bearer of this note is honest, industrious, } and sober and that he is sure to be an asset in any job where accuracy } and clean underwear are not of primary importance. } } Sincerely yours, } } The Usenet Oracle