From oracle-request Thu Sep 21 18:14:38 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id SAA07403; Thu, 21 Sep 1995 18:14:38 -0500 Date: Thu, 21 Sep 1995 18:14:38 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #778 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 778 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #778 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 21 Sep 1995 18:14:38 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 778 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 773 79 votes 4hska 2kwl4 37mno 36xv6 1erne 0anjr 5mtg7 6lfij 8mmj8 8nrh4 773 3.3 mean 3.2 3.1 3.7 3.4 3.4 3.8 3.0 3.3 3.0 2.8 --- 778-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle: > > SPAM? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Another question without a grovel? Where *are* supplicants coming } from these days? Really... Oh, well, I guess I can't expect all of } them to know how to grovel straight out of the womb... [The Oracle } stops and rubs his chin in a pensive manner.] Hmmm... Maybe I'll } have a chat with God and see if we can get some changes put in place } for the next batch. [The Oracle scribbles himself a note on a } yellow sticky and puts it on the fridge.] Now, on with the question! } } Rather a vague one... What *did* you mean? Oooh, I *like* a } challenge! } } Hmmm... Well, since you don't have a sandwich in your hand, I can } assume that you aren't offering me a SPAM sandwich. Although, I } could do with a bite to eat about now... [The Oracle's stomach makes } a rather loud gurgling, growling noise.] Oh, do *excuse* me! } } And since there are no vikings in the vicinity, I'll take it that you } do not wish me to break into my earth-shattering rendition of a Monty } Python sketch. Quite a little number, I might add... Oh, yes, the } question! } } [The Oracle takes a closer look at the supplicant, who is decked out } in a backpack and cycling gear, and finally sees the light.] } } Oh, you must have dyslexia! I'm *terribly* sorry about the mis- } understanding. You can get maps to the temple and its grounds from } the kiosk in the main foyer. I hope you enjoy your visit to the } temple! Oh, and watch out for the timber tossers in the main garden; } I haven't had a chance to subdue them for the day... } } You owe the Oracle a four course lunch and a complete collection of } Monty Python's Flying Circus' works on Laserdisc and CD. --- 778-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > Is there anything you can do to make Joel Furr quit griping? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Though your question's very good, } And doesn't mention chucking wood, } And there weren't any typos in your typing, } I must disappoint you. I } Can only tell you, with a sigh, } That there's NOTHING that will keep Joel Furr from griping. } } He is taking folks to task, me- } Thinks, for sending in an "askme", } When a "tellme"'s what he thinks they ought to do. } (How should *they* know that, Joel? Why kick } Them? These people aren't psychic, } And it isn't mentioned in the F.A.Q.) } } But I think that if we weren't } To restrict this to the current } Source of discord, flames, and penny-ante sniping, } But expanded our scope, } You'd see, yourself (quite soon, I'd hope), } That there's NOTHING that will keep Joel Furr from griping. } } For you'd see that Joel and flaming } Go together. (I'm not claiming } That he's always in the wrong. That said, I *do* wish } He'd spout off less -- he's reli'ble } As Old Faithful. Note the "Bible" } Tzimmis going on right now (soc.culture.jewish).) } } So enjoy his merry volleys } And his jokes on the Cabal he's } In, and maybe buy a T-shirt that he's hyping; } But you'll never stop the Lemur } Guy -- I swear by the Redeemer, } That there's NOTHING that will keep Joel Furr from griping. } } You owe the Oracle a nice, full queue to keep Joel busy. --- 778-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, who knows all, sees all, and (unfortunately) smells > all, please tell me: > > How did an operating system called "Quick and Dirty Operating System" > (QDOS) ever become the standard for computers worldwide? Did Billy-Bob > Gates put something in the drinking water? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it all happened something like this. } } You know how popular the alt.(naughty 's'-word) groups are on Usenet } news? The ones everybody reads but nobody admits to, and the Rural } Majority thinks are an affront to America, Jesus and sliced white } bread? Yeah, those ones. OK, that gives you some background. } } Nobody was really interested in the 'quick' part, but the 'dirty' part } sounded so interesting that everybody went out and bought a copy, took } it home in a brown paper wrapper, and opened it in the back room when } the children were asleep. } } Naturally enough, the results weren't very titillating, but the upright } pillars of the community were too embarrassed to take their purchases } back and demand a real operating system. Millions of copies were sold } world-wide before the true nature of the scam was discovered. } } By that time, it was into revision 3.3 and had its foot firmly planted } in the door. It was no longer remotely 'Q', and to assuage Oral } Roberts (and his brother, Rectal) the 'D' was changed to mean 'Disk'. } } And now -- you know -- the rest of the story. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Open VMS (har har) for the Pentium. --- 778-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello? Can you hear me now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To: Gen Colin Powell } From: Usenet Oracle School of Public Speaking } Subject: Lesson Number 3 } } Gen. Powell, } } Your choice of "Hello? Can you hear me now?" is a perfectly acceptable } way to start off all of your upcoming public speaking engagements. It } is, of course, much more original than "Can you all hear me in the } back?" However, you may want to consider continuing your search for a } snappy opening line, as your selection is often used in conjunction the } aforementioned opening. I suggest you strive for something more along } the lines of "I haven't seen this many clueless people gathered in one } place since my last appearance before the Senate." } } A few other things you might want to keep in mind- } } Always be sure to begin your speaking engagement with some type of gum } or hard candy in your mouth. If you're feeling particularly candid, } you can stop your speech at about the third sentence, make a great show } of peeling the candy off your tounge, and sticking it to the podium. } } If you have to pause to collect your thoughts during your speech, be } sure to use an appropriate filler, such as "um, "ok", "aaaahhh", or } "you know." This will keep the audience's attention while you } formulate your next sentence. } } Be sure repeat some gesture for emphasis, like moving your hand in a } circle at every pause, or continually checking the corners of your } mouth for that white stuff. Also popular is the nose pull. Use your } thumb and forefinger to not-so-gently pull the tip of your nose. } } And finally, always be sure to mutter and garble at least half of your } speech. That way, your audience will be compelled to come back, to } catch the parts they missed the first time. } } Good Luck! } } You owe The Oracle a pack of Juicy Fruit and "Powell in '96" button. --- 778-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did CNN cancel that cool Desert Storm show? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The decision was purely economical. While it got very good ratings, } "Desert Storm" was simply too expensive to produce for an extended } period of time, hence its eventual replacement with the long-running } courtroom serial drama science fashion talk adventure sitcom mystery } (in which the murderer is revealed right away, a bold move), "The } Simpson Trial". } } Not only are the ratings high for this one, but it is cheap for the } network to produce: A small ensemble cast (though some are reported to } be rather well paid), very few location shots, and only one camera. } When you add to that the numerous commercial breaks, spinoffs and } cross-pollination, and huge merchandising opporunities, there's no way } to lose. } } You owe the Oracle back royalties for "The Weather". --- 778-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh marveled Oracle, whose brevity is able to out-brief all others: > > Once, long ago, you proclaimed brevity in the answers to the questions > brought to you. Your orders still to this day denounce the use of > overly long answers. Yet these days answers have been long tirades of > information that mask the true answers to the questions being asked. > Has the great Oracle forgotten that longer is not necessarily better? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. } } You owe the Oracle, however, a little leeway in making the fee for } answering this question a little lengthy, if the Oracle should find } it necessary. After all, giving things to Oracles is a long and } distinguished tradition. I remember back in the old days when my } colleague at Delphi conned a certain king of Lydia into giving all } sorts of treasures and wealth in exchange for the wonderfully ambiguous } prophecy, "If you attack Persia, a great empire will be destroyed." } That's classic. Expensive, without being the least bit helpful. } My answers, on the other hand, are an absolute bargain by contrast, } they being both the sort of knowledge that you need to conduct your } mortal existence, and are succint and truthful. If you want brevity, } you have to be willing to pay for it. Most Supplicants seem to be } willing to do so. If you're one of that camp, then I believe we } can do business. Other Supplicans, however, never bother to ever } produce the things which the Oracle demands of them in compensation } for My services. And when this happens it just throws the entire } Oracular system off balance. This, therefore, is why it's necessary } to sit down like this and explain why the Oracle demands the things } that it does. We're not a non-profit institution here, after all. } We have bills to pay, just like anyone else. Oh, sure, I could just } *ZOT* the IRS and the cashier at the WaWa Food Market, but that doesn't } appeal to my acute Oracular sense of justice. There, I've hit the } nail on the head: justice. This is the basis of paying the Oracle. } It's only fair, after all. The barter system seems to work out here } in Indiana, the supplicant probably wasn't doing anything important } with the fair maiden or Schrodinger's Cat or the thousand blonde } jokes anyhow, so everybody's happy. I hope I'm clear on this. --- 778-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most great and magnificent Oracle, whose wisdom > shines through the net like a laser through soft > butter, please give me an answer to this question, > which has piqued my curiosity for weeks on end. > > The local water company is re-lining the water pipes > along our street. Before they commenced this > operation, they painted all sorts of markings on > the roadway. There are dashed lines in different > colors (yellow, blue, and green), going hither > and thither, and all the manhole covers are painted > in these same colors. Even more mysterious, in > several places, the following appears (in white > paint): > > ^ > | > | > MISS U > SPIN > | > | > V > > At one end of the road, also in white paint, is > the word "LOOP". > > The word "SPIN" is also painted in orange on the > back of the road construction signs, and is > engraved on the steel boilerplates that they use > to cover the pits in the roadway when they aren't > working in them. > > Please tell me, great Oracle: what is the meaning > of these markings? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Little known to most people, and certainly, dear supplicant, not to } yourself, it seems, the pipes in your area do not need re-lining. In } fact, the water company is not even attempting to re-line them! What } they *are* doing is playing an over-sized board game. } } The different colours are coded to indicate areas within which they } must move, and actions that must be performed when in the area, rather } like the scoring system for Scrabble. } } The game's rules are arcane and obscure, and cannot be understood by } mortals not initiated into the sacred order of The Water Bearer. } However, a simple explanation will probably suffice: the object of } the exercise is to move around the chosen neighbourhood, inflicting as } much inconvenience to the residents as possible. The form of } inconvenience to be inflicted is determined by the predominant colour } of the lines outside their residence. For instance, the poor fools } with a blue dotted line outside their house will have the water } company's hoards trying to give them cold showers for duration of the } game. } } The man-holes serve a similar purpose as do snakes in the common board } game "Snakes and Ladders", except that landing on one is an advantage, } rather than a disadvantage as you might expect. Any participant in } the game who lands on one must enter there, and is allowed free reign } over any water pipes in the immediate vicinity for a period determined } by his or her current ranking in the game. } } The "Miss U Spin" sign that caught your attention is one of the more } interesting aspects to the game. If a player fails to complete an } assignment on a residence (eg. give the residents cold showers), then } that player is deemed to have "missed" their assignment, and must } "spin" the "Stop"/"Slow" sign until someone else fails a mission. } This obviously disadvantages that player, since it prevents them from } scoring any further points during the game. It also explains why the } people on the signs always seem so anxious to get off sign duty. } } I hope that this satiates your curiousity, supplicant, and provides } you with the understanding you will need to endure the next few weeks } of interrupted water supplies. } } You owe the Oracle a can of Coke. --- 778-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do salmon do the rest of the year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's take a look at the diary of a typical } salmon: } } | May 8, 1995 } | } | 6:00. Woke up. } | } | 6:32. Saw fly. Pursued. } | } | 6:34. Caught fly. Delicious. } | } | 7:25. Saw 3 tadpoles. Pursued. Caught 2. Delicious. } | } | 8:31. Chased another salmon out of my territory. } | } | 9:25. Saw fly. Pursued. } | } | 9:26. Jumped for fly. Missed. } | } | 9:28. Pursued fly some more, but it got away. } | } | 10:35. Saw swarm of gnats. Ignored - too small. } | } | 10:53. Saw orange butterfly. Ignored. They taste nasty. } | } | 11:41. Saw fly floating on water. Ate. } | } | 11:41:05. OUCH! There's a great big metal hook stuck in } | my lip, and it's pulling me upstream. } | } | 11:46. Fought against the hook for 5 minutes. Got bashed } | against a sharp rock (ouch!) but then the hook stopped } | trying to pull me. } | } | 1:18. I still haven't figured out how to get this *$*#&$ } | hook out of my lip. And I'm getting hungry. } | } | 3:35. Bear tried to catch me. Near miss - left ventral } | fin torn by its claws. Whew. } | } | 4:20. Saw fly floating on water. Ate. } } The diary entry ends there, but I think you get the gist of } it. } } You owe the Oracle a historical novel based on the life of } a salmon. --- 778-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most magnificent and exalted supremo of sagacity, > do birds ever suffer from fear of heights? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, but they only really notice when they're over top of your car. } } You owe the Oracle a bungee-jumping lesson and some Turtle Wax. --- 778-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, I see you're a student of the Joel K. Furr school of Oracularities! } You've been reading his posts on rec.humor.oracle.d, haven't you? } } Joel [bellowing at the top of his lungs^H^H^H^H^H keyboard]: } Don't you *dare* do an "Ask Me"! It shouldn't be allowed!! } } Errant Supplicant [E.S.]: But sir,... } } Joel: !@#$^@% !! Don't "But" me. Don't you hear?? I'm IMPORTANT. } What I say should be LAW. No more "Ask Me"s! } } E.S. : But I didn't have a question to ask, but I felt the divine } inspiration of the Oracle prodding me to help other seekers! } } Joel [taking the Lord's name in vain for the umpteenth time]: } @#$()!% I don't care whose inspiration you felt! You do not } have *my* permission to help anyone. If you want to help, you } must also ask a !@#)^(@$# question! Period. } } E.S.: But what about those times that I've submitted a question and } couldn't answer a question that I got back? If I let it go back } into the queue, it would fill up if no one did "Ask Me's" } } Joel [roaring]: That is NOT ACCEPTABLE. You *must* answer every } question that you get. And do a good job of it. My answers are } always perfect! All my answers make the Oracularities. ONLY } my answers make the Oracularities! *I'm* always perfect!! You } must strive to be like me! !@#$&*%@$ !! } } E.S.: But, sir. My answers as in Incarnation have been in the } Oracularities, too. In fact, one was just in last week... } } Joel: IMPOSSIBLE!! People who do "Ask Me"'s aren't good enough } to make the Oracularities. I say so!! I'm the one who controls } the Oracle. He's but a mere pawn to me. I'm *omniscient*! I'm } *omnipotent*! I'm... I'm omni... uh, I'm *omnivorous*!! } } E.S.: But what about Steve Kinz... } } Joel: Enough!!! You *will* submit a "Tell Me" not an "Ask Me". } I don't want to hear another !$#$&%@ word about it. Just submit } a question and do it NOW!! } } E.S.: Fine. Just fine. Yes, sir. I'll do that... } } E.S. [muttering quietly to himself] : Yes, I'll submit a question } containing the entire contents of Joel's brain! Let's see... } } Mail To: Oracle@cs.indiana.edu } Subject: Tell Me } } [EOB] } }