From oracle-request Sun Sep 17 17:26:10 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id RAA24526; Sun, 17 Sep 1995 17:26:10 -0500 Date: Sun, 17 Sep 1995 17:26:10 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #776 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 776 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #776 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 17 Sep 1995 17:26:10 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 776 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 771 83 votes ansh5 4jyj7 3hBi8 148qI 8ys85 35eoB clml7 3etji 4nmr7 bjrfb 771 3.2 mean 2.8 3.1 3.1 4.3 2.6 4.0 2.9 3.4 3.1 3.0 --- 776-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, seer of all, knower of even more, and groper of Lisa, > please answer my query: > > When will Kris have E-Mail? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } January 1st, 2001: Kris, aka 'Christ', aka 'The Messiah', obtains an } e-mail account with North-America On Line. } } January 2nd, 2001: Christ crossposts 'Second Coming of Christ! Repent } or Burn in Hell, Sinners!' to all 20,000 newsgroups. } } January 3rd, 2001: Christ recieves the first of a torrent of indignant } flames, including 982 megs of core dumps from } alt.atheism. Even more flames are posted to the } groups, and since most posters neglect to edit the } newsgroups line, or clip the quote to the part they } respond to, each group is flooded with an average of } one million 400-line messages. Participants in the } Longest Thread Ever complain about all the crap } flooding the net. } } January 20th, 2001: The flamewar ends as the last node bursts into } flames from an overheated hard drive. The latest } predictors of the immenent death of the net gloat. } } February 1st, 2001: The phone bills arrive. ATT acquires 99.8% of the } world's money supply, thus achieving at last their } goal of world domination. All employees of Sprint } and MCI are nailed to telephone poles. } } February 11th, 2001: The Christian underground collapses when Christ } forgives ATT. ATT has him shot before he can } change his mind. } } February 15th, 2001: Christ returns from the grave long enough to } promise a a third coming in a thousand years, } triggering a massive wave of suicides. } } You owe the Oracle a cancelbot. --- 776-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who uses only thoroughly inorganic products, > > What the hell is Sodium Alkybenzenesulfonate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Representative "Newt" Gingrich's real first name. --- 776-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most beneficent Oracle, riddle me this: > > will I *ever* finish graduate school? > > sincerely, > trapped in academia And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, certainly! Everyone dies ... and I believe that dead bodies are } not allowed in classes -- unless of course you are a professor with } tenure. --- 776-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Times are a changing Orrie. No Grovel from me. And don't try the old > zot thing, > my new Zot95(tm) will be the zot of choice in no time. Users can even > use a capital Z if they want. In fact, another new standard is that > all grovels should be addressed to me. > > So where do you want to go today? > > Bill G. > > You owe me 3 picasso's and more ideas I can steal. > > Oh yeah, that's another change. Everyone now owes me stuff, not you. > On both questions and answers. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello, Bill. You seem to be suffering from the same sort of delusion } as Bill C., that your position of eartly power is anything more than } the merest eyeblink to us immortals. Indeed, that having more money } than anyone else on your planet, and your metaphorical fingers into } most of the personal computers on said planet, makes you any more } significant than the dust mite I stepped on this morning. } } However, I must congratulate you on your marketing strategy. Most of } the other immortals didn't believe you would be able to keep your firm } afloat with the products you have. I, of course, knew, but it was } amazing nonetheless. } } Well, even though your arrogance has come to a head, I shall deign to } answer your question. I want to go to a certain sentator's office, } where I shall give him the answer to his latest question regarding a } certain software firm's monopolistic practices. } } As a parting gift, here is a nice box. Printed on the inside of the } cover is a foolproof method for doubling your profit at no risk to } yourself. Don't worry. I did not also put in the box a special, } Turbo-charged WarpZot which will evaporate everything within ten feet } when the box is opened or the message read by any means. } } I understand your dilemma, Bill. Your profit-making instinct won't } let you leave the box alone. But your survival instinct is high } enough to stop you. Let's place the box on your desk, where you will } be able to think about it for a long, long time. } } You owe the oracle a good laugh. --- 776-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wonderful oracle, who could break my arm at any time, > just because, could alter the universal gravitational constant of the > universe at any time, just because, or could destroy the entire human > race, just because, please grant me the opportunity to ask you just a > single sad unworthy question: > > Does Windows 95 really work???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pardon me for a few moments, while I break Bill Gates' arm, } alter the universal gravity constant within Microsoft's } corporate headquarters, and destroy every instance of } MS-DOS. } } Just because. --- 776-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh interesting Oracle, whose words enthrall me, especially when I have > insomnia, > > Don't you hate it when you forget and leave a .signature at the bottom > of an answer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, because, being infallible as I am, I never make such mistakes. } } ***************************************************************** } * /\/\/\/\ * Shrapnel P. Wuggermahugger * } * | | * owner and manager of Shrapnel P. * } * | 0 0 | Hey dood! * Wuggermahugger's Rack & Toenail Clipper* } * | .. |/~~~ ~~~~~ * Emporium * } * | __ | * 2830 Krtchnblonsky Street * } * \____/ * Shnooksville, KY 12345 * } * |____| * shrapnel@tricounty.net * } ***************************************************************** } * VISIT OUR WEB PAGE: http://www.tricounty.net/~shrapnel/racks. * } * html * } * Order the BEST racks and toenail clippers online! * } ***************************************************************** } * "Oh cheesecake, o sponge, o mottled sinner, in which mental * } * hemisphere do thy stinkweeds bloom? In inperturbable * } * disappropriation of the burbling irrigation canal of destiny?"* } * --Cranium * } * poet laureate of the tri- * } * county area * } ***************************************************************** } * Ask me about COMPOSTNET BBS! The only BBS in the country * } * devoted exclusively to compost and compost-related issues! * } ***************************************************************** } * Fight censorship and governmental restriction of the internet!* } * Write your congressman TODAY to protest the Exon Bill, the * } * Clipper Chip, and the FCC Modem Tax! * } ***************************************************************** } * The opinions expressed here my own only, not the opinions of * } * my employer, access provider, software company, hardware * } * company, spouse, children, pets, or anybody else in the past, * } * present, and future, including all alternate dimensions. * } ***************************************************************** } * GEEK CODE: GRT w? U-- L? s-- E? e? S+ C? X- Y? Z? racks ++++ * } ***************************************************************** } * Kibo * Canter & Siegel * GO MOOSES! * Xibo * The BOB (c) * } ***************************************************************** } * Usenet Oracle Incarnation: send your burning questions to: * } * oracle@cs.indiana.edu and maybe I'll answer! * } ***************************************************************** } } Posted from the Tri-County Freenet. Please report any abuses to } postmaster@tricounty.net. } } JollyPost, ver. 3.5 (Unregistered copy) --- 776-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ro Ro Ro yore bote, > jentlee doun thu streme, > maryli maryli maryli maryli > lyphe iz buht uh dreme. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nok, nok, on your silly hed } But not two hard plese } Barabim baraboom barabim baraboom } In ze end you're ded --- 776-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, farthest seeing of all the far-seers, please grant me > the answer to my query: > > Concrete Jelly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it's a closely-guarded family recipe--but since you asked: } } APPLE-ASPHALT DELIGHT } } 2 cups apple cider } 3 and a half cups sugar } 2 teaspoons fresh thyme leaves } 1 pouch (3 ounces) liquid fruit pectin } 1 one-pound bag, ready-mix concrete } } Combine cider, sugar, and thyme in a medium saucepan. Stir over low } heat until sugar has dissolved and the mixture has reached a boil. Stir } in pectin and concrete. Pack jelly in sterilized canning jars according } to the manufacturer's directions. } } Makes one quart. Can be doubled or tripled to fill potholes. } } You owe the Oracle a springform pan and a trowel. --- 776-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 15 down, 8 to go. How much longer is this going to take? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's 15th down and 8 cubic hectares to go. The hyperbolic-paraboloid } is on the 10+sqrt(3) Kelvin line, with 7 coulombs left on the clock. } The Sufferin' Supplicants are down 3*i points. } } Here's the snap. The eight back hands off to the sixteenth back who } hands it off to the thirty-second back. TWEEEET! The referee calls a } foul on the the Supplicants. The Oracle declines the penalty, so now } it's 16th down and 8. Things are looking mighty grim for the } Supplicants tonight folks. } } The Supplicants are going to try a pass. It's up and... OH NO! The } Oracle has the X, Y, and Z intercept! He's starting at his own } origin. He's to the e^x line: he's gone transcendental. } } But wait. Here comes a Supplicant now. The Oracle is down. FUMBLE! } The supplicant recovers. Now it's first down again, with all 23 left. } Just a single tick left on the clock. Will the Supplicant ever } succeed? } } More after this commercial for the Oracle: } } You owe the Oracle a cricket bat. } } We're back for the final play. The Supplicant looks deep. The Oracle } blitzes. It's up and... it's good! It's all over. The score: the } Oracle 14, the Supplicants 16+sqrt(2)*i. --- 776-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh fabulously omnitient Oracular one, grower of the tree of pretty > interesting fruit and other miracles of various degree: > Why do Chihuahuas so closely resemble warm blooded cockroaches? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is an example of convergent evolution. } } In case you've forgotton your freshman biology, convergent } evolution happens when two species occupy the same niche } in nature, and as a result, they tend to change over the } ages until they resemble each other. } } Cockroaches have long been the scavengers of the world. } Anywhere there are dropped crumbs, bits of nuts, or old } squashed fruit, you'll find cockroaches busy cleaning up. } } Except indoors, where human intervention has been slowing } the cockroaches down considerably. There, a different } species (Canis domesticus chihuahuai) has been introduced } into this role. The Chihuahua is ideal for cleanup in } modern homes. It is large enough that it cannot be } accidentally sucked up by the vacuum cleaner, but it's } small enough to run around under the table, picking up } the scraps which fall to the floor. And it's omnivorous. } } It is rumored that in the event of an all-out nuclear war, } the only species that would survive are cockroaches and } Chihuahuas. } } You owe the Oracle a three foot long no-pest strip.