From oracle-request Fri Sep 15 08:35:11 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id IAA29715; Fri, 15 Sep 1995 08:35:11 -0500 Date: Fri, 15 Sep 1995 08:35:11 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #775 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 775 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #775 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 15 Sep 1995 08:35:11 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 775 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 770 81 votes epra5 5hnv5 58ut9 6fpjg 9qse4 6krfd 2dwq8 5fqkf 2jqmc j6hof 770 3.1 mean 2.6 3.2 3.4 3.3 2.7 3.1 3.3 3.3 3.3 3.1 --- 775-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does it mean when a yellow feather is slid underneath your door? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It means that three things are true: } 1. You need new weatherstripping for your door, } 2. Big Bird is shedding, and } 3. Bert is playing tricks on you. } } You owe the Oracle a sunny day. --- 775-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Glorious Oracle, Seer of the unseen, Knower of the Unknown, please > share your infinite wisdom with me. > > I have been chosen to play a rock in our school play, but I am > struggling to find my motivation. Should I be an angry rock? A sad > and melancholy rock? Please hurry. The play is only two days away and > I need to practice. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should look up to, as acting idols, the Metamorphic twins, Iggy and } Sedimenty. You probably remember them from their pivotal role in "It's } the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown," in which they were even referred to } by name ("I got a rock") by the title character. } } Their other roles include the following: } } -- PROPER SHRUB PLANTING TECHNIQUES (1962) In their debut film, the } Metamorphics portray buried rocks, on top of which one should not plant } shrubbery. } } -- SO YOU WANT TO BE A ROCK HOUND (1968) Iggy plays an example of how } not to store your rocks; Sedimenty is a properly labeled specimen. } } -- MOUNTAIN DRIVING PROBLEMS (1972) This film, originally produced for } the Wyoming Department of Motor Vehicles, stars the twins as the } results of an avalanche on U.S. 20. } } -- THE HISTORY OF ROCK 'N' ROLL (1975) In a tongue-in-cheek sequence } in this documentary, Iggy and Sedimenty go rolling by the camera. } } -- CAREERS IN GEOLOGY (1981) Iggy and Sedimenty reprise their roles } from "So You Want to Be a Rock Hound." } } -- WHAT WOULD YOU DO? VOLUME VI: THE PLAYGROUND (1984) Iggy and } Sedimenty are thrown by a young boy during a playground argument, } causing a little girl's tooth to be knocked out. } } -- WATERWORLD (1995) Following semi-retirement, the Metamorphic } brothers came back and appeared in the climactic final scene in this } Kevin Costner vehicle. } } You owe the Oracle some of the Halloween candy Charlie Brown didn't } get. --- 775-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose gummy, body-fluidy, city-street-grime-laden, > Holy sneakers I am unfit to sponge the dried encrustations > from, please condescend to offer unceremoniously the tiniest, > most unfrequented nano-particle of wisdom, in comparison to > which I remain hopelessly eensy and insignificant: > > Who was the first human to look at the udders of a cow and > say, "you know, I think I'll try that..."? And why, when > it molded and became solid and possibly fuzzy, did someone > decide to call it cheese and put it on their chili? > > belly-smudging, non-capitalized, oat-mealishly grovelly > thanks to you, oh magnitudinous one. no, really. i'm not > fit to wipe the snot from your oldest kleenex with my > eyeballs. thanks. my mom will be so proud. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Extremely humble and debased supplicant, } } 9633 BC, On the primordial tundra: } } Grok Rock Banger was the first human to look at cattle and realise the } potential of the white fluid produced by the bovine genera. } Unfortuately, his grasp of gender was not as good as his grasp on the } bull. } } 4501 BC, plains near Sumeria } } Olyar Muttar is called before the SFDA to prove that the consumption of } cows milk will not turn children into cows and refute links betwen } cattle milk consumption and psychpathic compulsion. Prince Exon } denounces Olyar as a pervert and the defiler of livestock. Olyar is } flayed alive and pegged out in the desert. Cattle milk becomes the } next big thing among the youth of Sumeria. } } 1028 BC, Outer Mongolia } } Chias Ovudhar realises the hoards are coming over for tea and there's } nothing in the tent except two strips of Jerky and some milk from the } raid he went on the other week. As he kept the milk in a cows } stomache, the warm weather and riding combined with the rennett has } transformed the milk into what we refer to as cheese. Chias has a } sudden brainwave and decides to serve the moldy yellowy mass to his } Mongol overlord. Chias found dead the next day. The moldy yellow } remains of Mongol lunches named Chias in his honour and sold for } exhorbitant prices to gullible foreigners. } } You owe the Oracle a dollop of Cheez-Whiz } } (__) } (oo) } /-------\/ } / |w----|| } ~~ ~~ --- 775-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I get a job? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ********************************************************************** } * THE USENET ORACLE (tm) IS ANNOUNCES THE AVAILABILITY OF * } * THOUSANDS OF EXCITING, HIGH PAYING, WORK-AT-HOME JOBS! * } * COMPOSING GROVELS FOR T.U. ORACLE AND ASSOCIATES * } ********************************************************************** } - Work from the comfort of your own home or school! } - Work as little or as much as you would like! } - Meet interesting and exciting people from all over the world! } } The breakdown of Usenet tradition and the general decline in the } intelligence of the Usenet Oracle's supplicant population has brought } about a severe shortage of satisfactory grovels submitted with } supplicant's questions. Submitting a question without a grovel has } caused many supplicants to receive perfunctory, humorless answers from } the Oracle, or even a *ZOT* for a seemingly trivial provocation. } } HELP RESTORE HUMOR TO THE ORACLE-QUERYING EXPERIENCE FOR THOUSANDS } OF USERS WHILE MAKING BIG MONEY FAST. } } You can join the creative team at T.U. Oracle Associates composing } ready-to-use grovels for sale to the growing population of } instant-gratification-oriented, too-busy-to-care humor seekers that } now make up so much of the Oracle's client base. What supplicant } could do without a set of precision-crafted, attention-getting, } Oracle pleasing grovels, sure to elicit riotously funny and } insightful responses when inserted before even the lamest questions? } } Send $49.95 Cash, Check, Credit Card, Money Order, or Internation } Postal Coupon for the "Official T.U. Oracle Grovel Developers Kit". } In 4 to 6 weeks, you will receive a CD-ROM containing: } - Official Oracle Grovel Developer Membership Card and Certificate } - The Oracle Grovel Writer's Style and Usage Guide } - Oracle Grovel-A-Day Personal Organizer and Calendar Software } - Grovel writing templates and macros for 50 popular word } processing and text editor programs } } T.U. Oracle Associates currently pays $2.75 PER WORD for grovels } accepted for publication in the Oracle's Official Grovel Anthology. } } Too busy to write grovels, but need side-splitting humor from the } Oracle right away? } } Send $49.95 Cash, Check, Credit Card, Money Order, or Internation } Postal Coupon for the "Official T.U. Oracle Supplicant Grovel } Anthology". Within two business days you will receive a CD-ROM } containing: } - Official Oracle Grovel User's Membership Card and Certificate } - The Oracle Grovel User's Style and Usage Guide } - Oracle Grovel-A-Day Personal Organizer and Calendar Software } - Grovel inclusion templates and macros for 50 popular word } processing and text editor programs } } You owe the Oracle half of your first royalty check for setting you } up with this great opportunity. --- 775-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you were to publish your autobiography, which artist > would you hire to do the pictures? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boris Vallejo to draw me, Lisa, and the priesthood. Scott Adams to } draw the supplicants, who all look exactly like Dilbert. } } You owe the Oracle a first edition of "Deep Thoughts from the Far } Side" by Snoopy and Woodstock. --- 775-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, > > what do you do with a supplicant who leaves his .sig at > the end of his questions? > -- > -- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WHAT R U TALK1N' ABOUT MAN? SIGZ ROOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } } LATER MAN. } } BIFF. } } -- } BBBBBBBBBBBBB IIIIIIIII FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF } BBBBBBBBBBBBBB IIIIIIIII FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF } BBB BBB III FFF FFF } BBB BBB III FFF FFF } BBB BBB III FFF FFF } BBBBBBBBBBBBB III FFFFFFFFF FFFFFFFFF } BBBBBBBBBBBBBB III FFFFFFFFF FFFFFFFFF } BBB BBB III FFF FFF } BBB BBB III FFF FFF } BBB BBB III FFF FFF } BBBBBBBBBBBBB IIIIIIIII FFF FFF } BIFF@BIT.NET BBBBBBBBBBBB IIIIIIIII FFF FFF BIFF@PSUVM.PSU.EDU } BIFF@BIFFVM.BIT.NET BIFF+@ANDREW.CMU.EDU } B1FF@AOL.COM B1FF@DELPHI.COM B1FF@PRODIGY.COM B1FF@COMU$ERVE.COM } B1FF@NETCOM.COM B1FF@WORLD.STD.COM B1FF@MCS.COM } B1FF@B1FFNET.FIDONET.ORG B1FF@WELL.SF.CA.US } B1FF@ATHENA.MIT.EDU B1FF@CYBER.SELL.COM } BIFF@MSN.COM } } MY SIG /^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ WAITING } CAN BEAT !@@@@@@NUKULAR@@@@@@@@! 4 } UP YOUR ------------------------- ARMAGEDIN } SIG !@@@@@@@@BIFF@@@@@@@@@! IT"LL B } !!! \--------! !--------/ AWESOME!!!! } ! ! } --------- THIS SPACE 4 RENT CALL BIFF } /\\\ ! ! HA HA FOOLED YOU!!! } ||| / \ } /-\ } /----/-\------------------------------------------------------------\ } | BIFF|@|AOL.DELPHI.PRODIGY.COMPU$ERVE.NETCOM.WORLD.MSN.B1FF.EDU DUDE!> } \----\-/------------------------------------------------------------/ } \-/ } |-| BANG THE FALSE METAL HEAD THAT DUZZN"T DRINK BEER!!! } \/// HOT METAL TUBS RULE IN A MAJOR WAY DUDEZ!!! } } __________ __________ ___________ ___________ __ } / /\ / /| / /| / /| / / } / / \ / // / // / // / /| } ********** / **********/ ***********/ ***********/ ** | } ** |____** / ** ** |______ ** |______ ** | } ** / ** ** ** / /| ** / /| ** | } **/ **/ \ ** ** / // ** / // ** | } **********/ / ** *********/ *********/ ** / } ** |____** // __**______ ** | ** | **/ } ** / **/ / ** /| ** | ** | / /| } **/ **/ / ** // ** / ** / ** / } **********/ **********/ **/ **/ **/ } } BIFF@BIT.NET BIFF@PSUVM.PSU.EDU BIFF@BIFFVM.BIT.NET BIFF+@ANDREW.CMU.EDU } B1FF@AOL.COM B1FF@DELPHI.COM B1FF@PRODIGY.COM B1FF@COMU$ERVE.COM } B1FF@NETCOM.COM B1FF@WORLD.STD.COM B1FF@MCS.COM } B1FF@B1FFNET.FIDONET.ORG B1FF@WELL.SF.CA.US } B1FF@ATHENA.MIT.EDU B1FF@CYBER.SELL.COM } BIFF@MSN.COM } } K0M1NG S00N T0 THEATREZ NEER U!!!!!! } _______ _______*_______ _______ _______ _______ _______ __ __ } +. /____ //______//______//______/ /______/ /____ / /______//_/ /_/ } ` _____/ / __ _____ . _____ , __ _____/ / ______ ____ } , / ___ _/. / / . / ___/ '/ ___/ +. / / / _ __/ / ___/ / / } / /__/ | __/ /__ / / . , / / , . / / / / \ \ / /___ / /\ \ } /______/ /______//_/ * + /_/ *, ` ,/_/ /_/ \_\ /______//_/ \_\ } } FEETUR1NG THE GRATE B1FF1NSK1 AS C4PTA1N B1FF!!!!!! } } B1FF 4RUOND TH4 W3RLD!!!!! } . } _--_|\ } P3RTH--> / \<--SIND3Y } \_.--._/ } v<---B1FFSM4NIA!!!!!!! } } ___ (_) } _/XXX\ } /XXXXXX\_ <-- MT. B1FF1NGT0N __ } __ __ /X XXXX XX\ MT. K1BO (SHORT3R _ /XX\__ ___ } \__/ \_/__ \ \ TH4N B1FF'Z) ----> _/X\__ /XX XXX\____/XXX\ } \ ___ \/ \_ \ \ __ _/ \_/ _/ - __ - } __/ \__/ \ \__ \\__ / \_// _ _ \ \ __ / \____ } __ \ / \ \_ _//_\___ _/ // \___/ \/ __/ } /_______\________\__\_/________\_ _/_____/_____________/_______\____/___ } /|\ } / | \ _____ ____ } / | \ \ V / } THE RO4D T0 B1FFN3SS!!!! / | \ | R00T | } / | \ | 666 | +---------+ } ALL MUST TR4V3L 1T / | \ \___ ___/ | B1FF | } / | \ V | R00LZ!! | } SUMD4Y!!!!!!!! / | \ | o +---------+ } / | \ | o } / | \ | |\__/| .~ ~. } / | \ | /o=o'`./ .' } / | | {o__, \ { } / | / . . ) \ } / | `-` '-' \ } } | .( _( )_.' } | '---.~_ _ _| --- 775-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I get the feeling that xeyes is watching me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You'd watch too if some idiot kept stabbing you in the eye with a } pointer! } } I hate to say this, but sometimes a process gets to the point where you } just have to put it to sleep. --- 775-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ? > 1QQQ > Q > Q > Q And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, yes, Number 3 in the ASCII Blot Series. DSM-V-R says: } } 3. Fetishism } A. Man, facing right, arms outstretched. } Anthropomorphism; standard response. } B. Woman, distended breasts. } Sexual fetish; oral or breast fixation (males); poor body } image (females). Recommended treatment: ECT, commitment. } C. Cross, truncated. } Religious fixation; mania, persecution, martyr complex. } Recommended treatment: ECT, BATF. } D. T-Square. } Masonic fixation; conspiracy fetish. Recommended treatment: } ECT, NWO. } E. Other. } Non-conformism, deviancy. Recommended treatment: ECT, } prefrontal lobotomy. } } Of course, it is really a portrait of the designing psychiatrist's } mother, who only had one arm and a poor hairdo, with one arm } outstretched to beat the hapless child. (The psychiatrist has since } been committed to a padded room.) } } You owe the Oracle a Java implementation of the Rorschach Blot Series. --- 775-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A friend of mine wrote this as his signature: > > GU d H s:- !g p(2) !au a-- w+ v(?)>! C++++ U? P? L 3 N+ E? K- W+(W--) > M-- !V +po- Y++ 5-- j R G' tv b+++ D+ B- e* u(+) h! f+ r-- n- !y+ > > What does it mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah -- you've stumbled on the Geek Code. This is a carefully constructed } code some people put in their signatures to assure the world that, yes, } they are total geeks. } } Each symbol in the code has a special meaning. In this way, the code is } like a totem pole. The only difference is that you generally don't go } around handing out a totem pole to everyone you meet. } } Here is a rough translation: } } GU I live in Guam. } d H Dartmouth is inferior to Harvard. } s:- !g The Saxons (armed with shields and polearms) are fighting } the } Geats (armed with swords). } p(2) Two is prime. } !au I don't have a gold card. } a-- The law is an ignoramus, an a--. } w+ v(?)>! (The RSA encryption algorithm, in TECO) } C++++ I can travel much faster than light. } U? P? I have never been to the Upper Penninsula of Michigan. } L 3 I am a member of the L 3 Society (a group very similar in } goals to the L 5 Society, but much less stable). } N+ My favorite oxidation state of nitrogen is +1. } E? (A subtle satire on the E! channel) } K- No, no, a thousand times no! } W+(W--) I am ambivalent about Larry Wall. } M-- The Morse Code for M is --. } !V My favorite form of smoked salmon is novy. } +po- I may or may not be the Pope. } Y++ 5-- Tasha Yar could kick the butts of everyone on Babylon 5. } j R I shot JR. } G' I venerate G'Quan. } tv I am a transvestite. } b+++ A *big* transvestite. } D+ B- (Grades in French Literature and Compiler Design) } e* My favorite song is "Easter Parade." } u(+) h! Uh-huh-huh-huh! (in TECO) } f+ r-- I may or may not be Joel Furr. } n- I'm just a guy who can't say n-. } !y+ I am armed with a sword, a tire iron, and one of the giant } stone coins of the Yap islanders. } } You owe the Oracle some geeks bearing gifts. --- 775-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, wiser than the wisest nocturnal bird of prey, > wiser than the wisest purveyor of fried roots, and actually the > standard by which the validity of the wisdom of the ages is measured, > please answer me this. > > What am I talking about? Why did I say that? I don't even remember > sitting down at my keyboard. I'm not even 100% sure I *AM* sitting down > at my keyboard. Please help!!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Astute supplicant, you actually aren't sitting at your keyboard. } You are attending an opera, and have fallen asleep in the middle } of the second act. Your question is merely a dream, and so I } shall answer you with the rest of the dream, which of course has } the opera woven into it. } } The Valkyrie appear. Their usual tin breastplates and helmets } have disappeared, and they are now clad in bikini bathing } costumes and yarmulkes. A slowly pulsing light gradually makes } its presence known. The pulses seem to be somewhat out of } phase with the music, but eventually you realize that you were } listening to the sound track from the movie theatre next door. } The Valkyrie float around, levitating about 4 feet off the } floor. Multicolored mist swirls around them, tickling their } toes and making them squeal. } } The Queen of the Night appears, even though she doesn't belong } in this opera. As soon as she sees the Valkyrie, she bellows } at the top of her lungs, and shakes her trident at them. The } Valkyrie menace her with their AK-47 assault rifles, which have } somehow appeared in their hands while you weren't looking. } Major General Stanley appears with his Union Jack, defusing the } situation. Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz skip through the scene } for no particular reason. } } The music comes to a crescendo, just as an earthquake starts } to shake the theatre. You are being flung back and forth in } your seat, and side to side as well. Just at that moment, you } awaken to discover that the second act has just finished, and } the usher is shaking you with a worried expression, asking if } you need medical assistance. } } You owe the Oracle a libretto.