From oracle-request Sat Sep 2 00:11:02 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id AAA05779; Sat, 2 Sep 1995 00:11:02 -0500 Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 00:11:02 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #771 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 771 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #771 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 00:11:02 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 771 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 766 84 votes 2ggAe hwla4 4otk7 imkf9 hmhdf 9qtg4 7ksl8 6kyj5 bjmn9 auni3 766 2.9 mean 3.5 2.4 3.0 2.7 2.8 2.8 3.0 3.0 3.0 2.7 --- 771-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > are there topic rooms where I can directly chat with miscellaneous > people? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The people of Miscellania are poor but proud. They deeply resent being } perceived as a novelty, or being approached by bored curiosity seekers } such as yourself. They might appear friendly at first, but it's the } better to draw you in and eventually do you in. I am not going to be } responsible for another disappearance. There's a lot more that goes } on in those topic rooms than meets the eye, and you don't want to go } there if you know what's good for you. Oh, and by the way, next time } you're addressing the Oracle, do yourself a favor and GROVEL. --- 771-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Wise, Wonderful, and Witty Oracle, for whose knowledge I am > barely fit to be a receptacle, grant me the answer to my plaintive > query: > > How _does_ AOL manage to create billions of trial disks? They > simply ignore the law of conservation of matter. I just don't > understand it... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, it'a quite simple. } } Every time AOL creates a trial disk, they take the matter from then end } of time (They have this machine, you know.) } } Doing that, of course, creates a bit of a problem with enthropy, but, } as they say: "Hey, it really doesn't matter until the end of time." } } That is true. } } It is also true, that every disk created moves the end of time a bit } backwards. } } The end of time is by now placed Next thursday, somewhere around } teatime GMT. } } You owe the Oracle an escape capsule. --- 771-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most wonderful Usenet Oracle who knows all and tells more, please > advise me. > > My friends have told me about a rather odd concept they believe in. I > don't quite know how to put it into words. It seems to revolve around > ingesting dead plants and animals for protein at regular intervals. If > you could tell me more about this concept, what it ought to be referred > to as, and your opinions regarding its metaphysical existence, I would > be much appreciative. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, some mortals seem to believe strongly in this bizarre ritual. It } often involves complex and obscure preparations, involving one or more } of the following: } } - Trips to strange blindingly-lit buildings where stores of these dead } parts are obtained in exchange for bits of paper and metal, while } "Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits" are played from hidden speakers. } - Complex assemblages of equipment, some fixed, some portable, for } heating, chilling, slicing, dicing, and cutting ham and turkey so } thin your in-laws will never come back. } - Group assemblages, preceding which those involved bow their heads in } shame and remorse at having treated their fellow organic lifeforms } shabbily. } - In some cases involving marital distress, throwing of the prepared } parts at one's spouse. } - Ingestion of large quantities of dilute ethanol, causing Uncle Billy } to leap upon the table and perform Scottish fish-slapping dances. } } Those involved in these practices call it "eating and drinking." } Myself, I call it a damned shame and a poor reflection on the way } organic life conducts itself towards its fellow snails, ants, squid, } sea cucumbers, parsnips, turnip greens, Rocky Mountain oysters, Spam, } etc etc. } } You owe the Oracle a big bag of barbecue Fritos and a tin of bean dip. --- 771-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > win95 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } lose$95 --- 771-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty, omnipotent, undying, all powerful sea of knowledge, which > can also be refered to as the mighty oracle, please answer my question! > > Will Kelly ever be mine? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } MINE pron. [AS. min, mine, from min, genit. case of 1st pers. pron.] } that or those belonging to me: the absolute form of my, used without } a following noun, often after of, as, a friend of mine, that book is } mine, mine are better. } } People, (emulating their betters, the most superior race } on this planet - otherwise known as the race of CATS), never BELONG } to anyone. They come and go as they please, and give and receive } affection when they are inclined to so do. } } No, Kelly can never be "yours" in the true literal sense of the } meaning of "mine". But that should, of course, bring to mind your } logical NEXT question, which has nothing to do with Kelly at all..... } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of the book "Morris, My Own } True Story", and a can of cat food. --- 771-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh masterful Oracle, knower of all that is to be known, I have a > question to ask which may very well affect my future and my > lifespan. Should I go to a... friend's birthday party or ask > this girl I know on a date? I'd rather go on a date, but maybe > I'm obligated to, well, you know... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ...To what? Tap-dance? Refinish a table? Make a contribution } to the Republican Party? You must be specific. Give examples. Show } your work. } } Well, let me see if I can't help you with a general-purpose quiz } I've developed for similar situations. It should help you determine } whether or not you should ask your female friend for a date. } } Please answer the following questions honestly: } } ---------------- } 1: Please rate your geekiness level: } } A) What's a geek? } B) I can load and run Windows. } C) GAT C++ d- UL++++$ P+ 3- !n po+(--) D+ s-:+ a- p? u** } } 2: Please rate your degree of physical attractiveness: } } A) Fabio has tried to have me asassinated. } B) I'm pretty reasonable. } C) I make Tom Petty look like a Greek God. } } 3: Please rate your intelligence: } } A) I understand the proof to Fermat's Last Theorem. } B) I can usually balance my checkbook. } C) "Potatoe." } } 4: Please indicate your level of cultural development: } } A) "Hello. Welcome to Masterpiece Theatre. I'm Alistair } Cooke..." } B) "Space: The final frontier..." } C) "ARE YOU LISTENING, HULK HOGAN? I WILL DESTORY YOU NEXT } WEEK..." } } 5: Please indicate your culinary preference: } } A) Chateaubriand medium-rare with a subtly spiced mushroom sauce } and a 1966 Merlot. } B) Lemon-herb chicken with rice pilaf and a glass of mineral } water. } C) Cheetos and Coors. } } 6: Please indicate your general class of profession: } } A) "Yes, Mr. Yakamura, we would be delighted to close the deal } Monday next..." } B) "Jim, can you fire up the logic analyzer? The damn debugger } is causing more problems than it's solving..." } C) "We're just as interested as you are, your Honor, in seeing } this case go to the jury by Labor Day..." } } 7: Please indicate the class of clothing you most commonly wear: } } A) Armani } B) Calvin Klein } C) Garanimals } } 8: Select the spiritual framework to which you most closely align } yourself: } } A) A synthesis of the Koran, Torah, Bible, Tao Te Ching, and my } own personal experiences in this life. } B) The Bible. } C) Dianetics. } ---------------- } } Now, score each answer as follows: } } A) 256 points } B) PI points } C) -(i^2) points } } Multiply the score of each answer by the square root of its } ordinal number. } } Now, take all the answers whose ordinal number is even but not } evenly divisible by three and add them together to get an X-axis value. } Take all the answers whose ordinal number is evenly divisible by } three but not by two and add them together to yield a Y-axis value. } For all other answers, discard the results; they were red-herrings. } } ^________________________________________ } 9.001 | | /| | } | | Write questions/ | | } | Visit | to The Oracle / | | } F |Parents| /\ / | Libertarian | } | | /o \--* S | | } u | |------/o \ l _--_ | } |-------+ \ o/\ e ' ` | } r | \_ \ o/ \ e( Date ) | } | \_ Attend \/ o \p "-__-" | } l | \_ party \ o / | | } | Watch \_ \ /----+-------------| } o | TV all \ __ \/ | } | day ] ---__| Play Doom | } n |____________| +___________________| } | \ Drink |______ | } g | rn \heavily_| | | } | alt. \ / | Oaklahoma | } s | binaries. >---< Do | | } | pictures. / \__ your +------------| } 9 | erotica / lint \ laundry | } +-----------------------------------------> } -3 6.02*10^23 } F o r t n i g h t s } } Finally, print the above chart out on a piece of paper. } Using the X- and Y-axis values you computed earlier, find the } corresponding location on the chart and mark it. Then throw it away } and try not to think about it. You'll be glad you did. } } You owe The Oracle a recursive DIR listing of your entire } hard drive. --- 771-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > askme And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, after all these years a supplicant who is not demanding an answer. } My heart warms. It is so good to see a person who is not demanding and } pounding on my door with "Me, me me" "Why, why why?" "Tell me, tell } me, tell me." } } Unfortuanately, you forgot to grovel so I shall have to *ZOT* you. } It's standard practice you know. Nothing personal. } } ZOT! } } You owe the Oracle a request for the correct use of the Temple of } Oracle. --- 771-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Creative Writing Lesson LXI > > Today's bonus word is "logarithm". Please use it at least once in > completing the following paragraph. > > "Victoria could not concentrate. Gently she sighed as the music > swelled in a violent crescendo, intruding its presence into her > consciousness like a determined gazelle. Later that evening,...." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } .... the music continued, but at a staggared beat. The natives' music } was somehow different. She went out and asked the chief why the music } changed and he replied: } "You see-um, new drummer for tree trunk who have no experience } come in at dinner. Drummer no experience - drummer no logarithm." --- 771-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > Whose ears are wet-willie-proof, > Who needs no introduction... > > Why is this Monday called 'Labor Day' if no one is going > to be doing any work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The holiday is actually commemorating the end of the "dog days" } of summer. Taking one breed as the representative for all breeds, } it was originally called "Labrador Retriever Day," but the "rad" } and the "retriever" portions escaped through a hole in the fence. } They were last wearing a red collar with a blue City of Bloomington } license tag; if you see them, E-mail oracle@cs.indiana.edu with a } subject line of "found." } } The Oracle might owe you a $50 reward. --- 771-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > will i get along alright in my new school? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, due to budget constraints, only the short alrights will } be handed out in your new school. } } You owe the Oracle a rimshot.