From oracle-request Thu Aug 31 08:43:48 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id IAA16231; Thu, 31 Aug 1995 08:43:48 -0500 Date: Thu, 31 Aug 1995 08:43:48 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #770 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 770 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #770 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 31 Aug 1995 08:43:48 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 770 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 765 73 votes 6jok4 6qnb7 57hnl 9tn84 0psg4 3euj7 bkii6 29wl9 2blpe 3brfh 765 3.1 mean 3.0 2.8 3.7 2.6 3.0 3.2 2.8 3.4 3.5 3.4 --- 770-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh worthy one, have you ever given a serious answer to a question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, I prefer bratwurst on Tuesdays. } } You owe the Oracle a serious question. --- 770-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much beer can the average college male consume before becoming > intoxicated? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You need help on Question 1, Mr. Supplicant? I'm disappointed in } you. The answer should have been obvious after our discussion of the } ecological role of the youthful human male in the university } habitat, but since you've asked, I suppose I should derive it for } you. The rest of you had better pay attention. Since it is all that } you care about, I might mention that this would be an excellent } question for the final. Ah, that's much better, it's so nice to see } your faces for a change instead of the top of your heads. } } Now that I have your attention, let's check Webster's. You *do* } know how to use a dictionary, don't you? } } intonation...intone...in toto...here it is. } } Intoxication: n 1. "An abnormal state that is essentially a poisoning" } } Does that answer the question for you? Do you understand? No, I } can see that you don't. Do I have to show you every piddling little } step in the derivation? I guess I do. } } What is the *normal* state of the average college male? No, besides } lust. Think! Right, it's inebriation. In fact, beer is the staple } food of the species, isn't it? The college male is adapted to a diet } rich in spirits of all kinds, is he not? Have you slept through the } entire semester, Mr. Supplicant? Well? So, how much beer would the } average college male have to consume to enter an "abnormal state } that is essentially a poisoning"? } } Yes, that is right. Only if the student consumes no beer at all can } he be in an abnormal state that is essentially a poisoning. } -- } The Oracle is not the average college male. You owe the Oracle a } cup of coffee and a doughnut. --- 770-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, for whom I would even watch the ill-designed Beavis and > Butthead, even attend Math class for only the merest whiff of your > kitty litter, please help me with my small problem.. How could I go > about getting a date with a smart handsome witty slightly arrogant > athletic music loving male type? There dont happen to be any in my > general corner of the world. And, while MTV and running take up the > time, I need some weekend distraction. HELP!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahem. This is embarrassing. I was tempted to answer with a single } word: Move. But the sad fact is that men who are smart, handsome, } witty, slightly arrogant (to bring out the geisha in you, I assume), } athletic, and love music as well simply DON'T EXIST. Sorry for } yelling. Athletic, handsome and slightly arrogant, I can get you. } But also thick as a phone book. On the other had, I can get you a } smart dude who's also witty, handsome, and loves music. And who's } even slightly arrogant. Unfortunately, it'll be classical music, } and you won't be able to take him out jogging if you threatened him } with a gun. I'm not saying the combination does not exist *at all*. } There are guys out there who are cute, athletic, witty, smart, and } just arrogant enough. Unfortunately, they like other guys. Sorry. --- 770-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, > > You are in a small room. There are exits to the north and west. There > are strange markings on the east wall. There is a rope in the middle > of the floor. > > Command: And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Command: read } } Read what? } } Command: read wall } } Which wall? } } Command: read east wall } } You can't decipher the strange markings. } } Command: examine east wall } } You look more closely at the strange markings. They look like part of } an old mural, perhaps. } } Command: take rope } } You put the length of rope in your pack. } } Command: inventory } } You are carrying the following items: } } 1 wrist watch (being worn) } 1 lantern (lit) } 1 pair of leather gloves (bloody) } 1 copy of "Dianetics" (available at a bookstore near you) } 1 (is the loneliest number) } 1 rope } } Command: wrap rope } } Wrap the rope where? } } Command: around neck } } You are now wearing a fashionable rope necktie. } } Command: pull rope } } As you fade into unconsciousness, you begin questioning the wisdom } of asking the Oracle to get you out of a jam without groveling first. } Next time, perhaps, you will be sufficiently humble. } } Your score: 24 out of a possible 5000 points } --- } You owe the Oracle "Doom" for his Apple ][+ (must run in 48K). --- 770-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most profound through the ages, who has seen fads come > and go, and has witnessed the rise and fall of fools, kings, and > presidents, answer me this ; > > If Bill Gates was sitting in his office and the light bulb blew, > would he change the light bulb, or simply make the darkness the > new standard ? > > And if Darkness were to become the standard, would he release this > standard at midnight one day after a phenomenal advertising blitz > that leaves the world in a dumbfounded state ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Erm. This might well be the case, but in fact Bill puts on his pants } one leg at a time just like the rest of us, and after a two year } wrangle with the Justice Department and issuance of a consent decree, } the light bulb would be replaced on the condition that the new one } never burn out like the old one did. --- 770-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, seer of scenes, knower of nose, hearer of hearsay, smeller > of smells, feeler of feelings, toucher of touche`s, walker of the walk > and talker of the talk. Please, grant this poor seeker a small portion > of the light of your infinite wisdom. I've searched the dictionary. > I've asked my friends. The Wordsmith had no answer. My MAN pages > provide no clue. A lit search finds only references to the great and > powerful Usenet Oracle. And so I come before you, a humble supplicant > to ask a simple question. > > What is the meaning of koan? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's a crunchy baked good, available in "regular," "sugar," or "waffle" } varieties. Several scoops of ice cream can be packed into a koan--less } in the "regular" variety, more in the "waffle" variety (which typically } costs more than the others). The koan is held in one hand, often with } a napkin wrapped around its lower portion, and the ice cream which } protrudes above the top is eaten first; then, the ice cream which is } packed inside the koan is eaten together with the koan. The napkin is } not eaten; rather, it is discarded, usually on the ground in front of } the ice cream store. } } You owe the Oracle two scoops of French vanilla and a spelling } dictionary. --- 770-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who knows all the plans of the Pentagon, > Who knows everyone in all the governments of the world by name, > Who knows every intracy of the law, > Who managed to solve "Myst" in one sitting.... > > Oracle, I have a deep seated desie to take over the world. By right > of superiour intellect, I have the duty to place myself on a pedestal > and lead this planet into the 21st century! > Now, I have made several attemps, but have managed to get frozen, > crushed, discredited, slapped with tomatoes, run over by race > horses, stmapeded by giant lederhosen clad dancers, embaresed on > national television and turned into a giant piece of Swiss Chesse. > In desperation, I ask you on bended knee (and I don't grovel well!), > what, mightly Oracle, is the proper way for me to take over the > world?!?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } BAM! } NEW! } POW! } FAST! } KA-BLAM! } EASY TO USE! } SPLA-POOIE! } AND ON SALE AT A STORE NEAR YOU! } } That's right, it's K-Tel's new World Domination in a Box! It slices, } it dices, it forms small independant revolutionary cells networked and } organized through protected internet sites! You can even cut a tin can } with it! } } It's the perfect tool for any job! Mow the lawn in seconds! Re-grout } your bathroom tile! Assassinate your boss from the other side of the } city! } } For only US$19.99, you too could hold the ultimate power in } the civilized world! Topple Governments! Resurrect Bing Crosby! } Resurrect Bill Cosby! Get your own cable access channel! Rig your } nose for quadraphonic surround-sound! It's all possible with World } Domination in a Box! } } For just ten extra dollars, purchase the Illuminati Option, and have } instant access to all other World Domination in a Box sets ever sold! } Get a pen-pal! Make new friends! Controll the destinies of billions of } unsuspecting pawns through your network of cronies and amoral power } mongers! Hours of Family Fun! } } Comes with 1 year limited warranty. Batteries not included. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Life and Grumpy Times of Boris } Badinoff, by Rockett J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle Q. Moose. --- 770-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O indoubtable Oracle, whose redoubts are undoubtably doubtfree, > please deign to spend more than 3 seconds on my waspish wish: > > My last query was carefully worded, contained at least 5 > references to popular culture, and opened the avenue to many a > high-brow-humorous reply. Your answer was short, crude, and ended > not in a clever demand for goods tangentially refered to in your > previous retort, but in the words, "See ya!" > > I mean, "See ya!" Really! I am flabbergasted. I have not the > vocabulary to express my utter disappointment with your reply and > my growing concern for your continued aptitude for this job. > Lately, if it hasn't been barfed-out one-liners from the Oracle > Answer-O-Matic, it's been crappy conundrums carved out of C++. > "See ya!" indeed. > > I demand better! I demand a recount! I demand no taxation > without representation, and furthermore, I demand satisfactory > answers to my questions! No more ramming tattered common wisdom > down my throat! I want bread and circuses, dammit!!!! > > And look, to make things ("things" being a worthwhile reply on > your part) easier, lemmee point out a couple of things in the > above rant: > > Para. 1: Lookit -- a play on the word "doubt" -- the whole > doubting-the-life-beyond thing that humans do so much and that > amuses immortals like yourself to no end, and a play on the whole > rest of the letter, which is doubting your competence. > > Para. 1, con't: "3 seconds" -- a realization that if the Oracle's > answering questions this time of day, he's probably doing so by > stealing precious time away from his day job and can't devote > quite the time to his answers as he would if I asked, say, 7-ish. > Also, "wasp", i.e. W.A.S.P. -- as in, who's really doing the > asking and answering around here, anyway. > > Para. 2: "See ya!" -- an opening for many a rant and rave (and, > oddly enough, convenient excuse) about AOL terrorists sneaking in > and pounding randomly away on your holy keyboard, unbeknownst to > you and your recumbent woman-Friday, Lisa. > > Para. 3: Play on "C++" and "See ya!" -- In other words, one line > with no thought is worth about as much as six pages of > pseudo-computer gibberish, and is about as funny. > > Para. 4: All sorts of opportunities to make fun of the American > political system, of Our Founding Fathers Who Thought It Really > Neat to Dress Up Weird and Dodge Taxes at Three Oclock in the > Morning, and of P.T. Barnum, who, when you think on it, really > walks hand-in-hand with the American political system. Also, > "common wisdom" is a graph in USA Today, which is a joke in and of > itself. > > Postscript over-explanations: "Lookit the brain. Uh-huh-huh, > huh-huh. My liver. My liver." > > So there's humor all over this letter, waiting to explode out on > to the printed page, er, screen. But, I'm not expecting anything, > or rather, I'm not expecting anything with a reasonable ratio of > capitato lower-case letters, iF YoU KnOW whAT i MeAn. > > Oracle, sir, you disappoint me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Irate Supplicant, } } Well, personally, I am disappointed that someone with your poingnant, } sarcastic sense of the sublime, received such and unsatisfactory } response from one of my previous incarnations. } } A three second answer, complete with See Ya! How droll, crass, and } superbly unOraculish - that incarnation will answer to the Board of } Computer Oraculaties for the oafish behavior displayed.The maximum } penalty is death by ZOT - bestowed by the supplicant placing the } complaint - the ultimate humiliation for an incompetent incarnation. } } Accept my humble apologies that your sense of fair play has been taxed. } Representing you at the Board of Oraculaties will be none other than } the fair minded, fair haired, wasp waisted maid - Lisa (beautiful } woman/W.A.S.P.reference). Of course, to be faire (circus reference) - } the obtuse oracle (one not deserving of a capital O), has his choice of } a defense team (current event reference). It's just a stab in the } dark, (another current event reference), but scuttlebutt has it that } Johnny Cochran and F. Lee Bailey (another circus reference) are vieing } for the position. } } As to the rant and rave on AOL Terrorists - need I remind you that } these two words together form an oxymoron (another apt description of } an AOLer). I have just been so busy lately that I have relied on the } management technique of delegating (another taxation w/o representation } reference) - and your question got delegated to the wrong person. But } this will happen no more, I have taken your letter to heart, and shed } blood, sweat and tears (bodily functions reference) while creating the } ORACLE HUMOROUS RESPONSE POLICY. To wit "All answers must be funny and } have a clever demand for supplicantal payment". Of course, this is } just the meat of the policy (clever reference to food), which is } sandwiched (bread reference) in between lines of legalese demanded by } the Board of Computer Oraculaties (reference to boring computerese } oraculaties). } } Bear (another circus reference) in mind, that this is just a draft copy } (reference to drinking). This policy still needs to go before the } Board for approval, before posting to all potential in carnations } (flower reference). } } I am anticipating that this policy will be pass through (another body } function reference) the Board without any argument. } } Sincerely Yours, } } T.U.O. } } BTW - You owe the Oracle a copy of Crime and Pun ishment. --- 770-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise entity in the known web,, > Answer me this question. Please, so that I can rest > my humble soul. > > What is the question to the answer 42? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Douglas Adams was writing a book } And the cover had a nice look } But all of those pages } Were taking him ages } And he didn't have quite what it took } } The publisher was quite a bore-- } Wanted extra pages galore } Asked Adams one night } "Let me get this right, } You want how many pages more?!" } } You owe the Oracle a ride on a Happy Vertical People Mover. --- 770-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O the mighty one, please enlighten me on this. > > Why was Indiana named so? Do many Indians reside there? If yes, then > which type: the Eastern ones or the Columbus' discoveries? > > Since, you reside there I expect an authoritative answer.. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh...I think I see where you could be confused. No, you see, Indiana } was in fact named after a British tampon company. } } You owe the oracle a 12-pack of In-Diana extra absorbancy tampons.