From oracle-request Mon Aug 21 16:48:13 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id QAA06320; Mon, 21 Aug 1995 16:48:13 -0500 Date: Mon, 21 Aug 1995 16:48:13 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #766 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 766 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #766 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 21 Aug 1995 16:48:13 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 766 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 761 101 votes cmBo6 6lDpa bvsq5 aqCi9 6rwpb jqql9 6fzwd 9qnsf 7qyoa crvq5 761 3.0 mean 2.9 3.1 2.8 2.9 3.1 2.8 3.3 3.1 3.0 2.9 --- 766-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, if your can put a chip in a human brain to make them smarter? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's try this out: } } Subject: the supplicant who did not grovel (ie, you). } Hypothesis: The insertion of chips into brains is good. } Experiment One: } Opened supplicant's head. Inserted Frito corn chip. Closed } supplicant's head. } Results: Supplicant asked for AOL trial disk. } Summary: Supplicant did not respond to treatment. } } Experiment Two: } Opened supplicant's head. Removed Frito. Inserted cartoon squirrel, } 'Chip'. Closed supplicant's head. } Results: Supplicant hid objects in cheeks, buried and excavated small } nuts. } Summary: Supplicant much improved. } } Experiment Three: } Opened supplicant's head. Removed distressed cartoon squirrel. } Inserted California Highway Patrol Officer. Closed supplicant's head. } Results: Supplicant flirted incessantly with Oracle's beautiful lab } assistant, became depressed and went on TV psychic infomericals. } Summary: Prospects for recovery dim. } } Experiment Four: } Opened supplicant's head. Removed Eric Estrada. Designed and built an } advanced integrated circuit to retrain supplicant to properly grovel, } vacuum the Oracle's temple and bring the Oracle more beer. } Results: Supplicant brang Oracle more beer, no longer responds to } original name, denies former life. } Summary: It is possible to make people smarter by putting chips in } their head. } } You owe the Oracle, incarnated as Milhous, a signed copy of } 'Interface'. --- 766-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, > > I have a deep question. I have noticed in my job search that most > employers are looking for blonde bimbettes with no skills and big > boobs, rather than persons with skills and experience and maybe a few > extra pounds. > > Can you tell me what I need to do in order to find a job without, say, > threatening a prospective employer with a .45-caliber handgun? > > Thanks loads. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have two choices. The first one requires dieting, bleach, and a } Wonderbra. The other one just requires a nomination from the } president. Word is that she wants a cabinet that "looks like America" } (so it won't show her up). } } You owe the Oracle an inflatable attorney general. --- 766-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Here I am flailing around in search of information and talk about the > giant William Blake -- not exactly huorous, indeed now tht I think of > it his lack oh humor may be a fault -- ubt perhaps you could get me > started. pds And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... William Blake, eh? Now I know I've heard of him before, I } just can't place it yet. Let me try something: } } root %23234523122314234 > man blake } } blake(1) User Commands blake(1) } } NAME } blake, henry } } SYNOPSIS } blake [ -cilm ] [ -s "string" ] } } Colonel Henry Blake, Commanding Officer of the MASH unit } 4077 during the Korean War. } } AVAILABILITY } Now in syndication everywhere. Check your local listings. } } DESCRIPTION } First commanding officer of the 4077th Mobile Army } Surgical Hospital stationed in Korea during the Korean War. } Served several mildly humourous seasons until his contract } was terminated with the crash of his helicopter during } his flight to Souel. Military coverup followed, in an } effort to add emotion to the event, claiming it had been } shot down. Analysis of the wreakage reveals Col. Blake was } not in the chopper at the time of the crash. Followup } investigation revealed that he was executed by the CIA } at the recomendation of Major Flagg. Awarded the Purple Heart } posthumously. Summarily replaced by Col. Sherman T. Potter, } and sighs of relief were reportedly heard 'round the world. } } OPTIONS } -l Leniency switch. Lets you get away with anything. } } -c Adds cigar smoke. } } -i Inebriated mode. Increases humour value by 54% in most } cases. Also known as lush-mode. } } -m Martini. } } -s "string" Speak a phrase. } } EXAMPLES } To run blake in lush-mode with a martini, speaking the phrase "I } want my mommy": } example% blake -i -m -s "I want my mommy" } } SEE ALSO } klink(1), lush(1), useless(3), potter(5) } } NOTES } Not to be confused with William Blake, author. Do not invoke } while klink is running. } } BUGS } Conflict error messages when invoked while klink is running. } The debate continues as to who would win in a standup fight, } Col. Henry Blake or Col. Klink from Hogan's Heros. In physical } simulations, both simply crash and hang the system. It has } been suggested that this is the ideal result, as neither were } efficient and/or effective. } } Sun Macrosystems Last change: 14 Sep 4992 1 } } (END) } } root %23234523122314235 > } } Well, supplicant, sorry I couldn't be of more help, but those are the } risks you take for not including a sufficient grovel before your } question. } } You owe the oracle better man pages. --- 766-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose carnal knowledge is like a circle in a circle, like > a wheel within a wheel... > > What happens when birds and bees mate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The chess game ends. } } You owe the Oracle a new variation. --- 766-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > about my trip And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jerry, you're not tripping. You're dead. --- 766-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, please tell me the meaning of B.B.S.A.G! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shh-shhh-shh-SHH! You fool! Do you have any idea what } you might have done? Don't you know that those letters } stand for what once were the most powerful words in all of } your puny universe? } } Of course not. That's why you asked. } } In the ancient days of your small Earth, when I myself was } a young Oracle, sorcerers and sorceresses would use those } words to open a gate to the very depths of Hell itself. No } ordinary mortal would ever dare speak them, as you so } casually did just now. Even the acronym, BBSAG (pronounced } just the way it looks) was considered to be a word of great } power. Legends tell that if a large group of people got together } and even STARTED to speak the words, it would cause massive } death and destruction. Evil cheerleaders would wreak havoc } on high school football games by sneaking over to the opposing } sideline and leading the crowd in a deadly cheer: } } "Gimme a B!" "B!" } } "Gimme another B!" "B!" } } "Gimme an S!" "S!" } } "Gimme an A!" "A!" } } "Gimme a G!" "G!" } } "What's that stand for?" } } "Bw--AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEERRRRRRGGGGGHHH!!!" } {sounds of massive death and destruction} } } (Even today, cheerleaders use a form of BBSAG } which has greatly evolved over the millenia, and so } has much less power, although it is no less wretched: } } "Gimme a B!" "B!" } } "Gimme another B!" "B!" } } "Gimme another B!" "B!" (etc.) } } "What's that spell?" } } "B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B" } {sound of entire crowd flapping their lips with their fingers} } } Don't let yourself be pulled into this. You may not } get swept into Hades, but you will feel like a complete fool.) } } Cheerleaders notwithstanding, the power of BBSAG itself } has declined over the eons, as those who understood how } to use its power have all been sucked into Hell. New words } have cropped up and taken their place, but none have } ever had the staying power of BBSAG. For example, just } a few years back, the phrase "President Quayle" struck } terror into the hearts of millions, but is now considered } something to brush off and laugh about. Michael Jackson } for over a decade now has been altering his appearance in } the hope of eluding the demons conjured up every time his } own name is used. The word "Whitewater" is being invoked } so often these days, that while it is still a young word of power, } it is already losing its effectivness. } } As for the meaning of BBSAG, well, I couldn't unleash that } kind of power into the hands of a mere mortal, could I? } You'd destroy yourself the first time you tried to use it. Let's } just say that nowadays, BBSAG can mean anything you want } it to mean. In your case, I'd suggest Bumbling Brainless } Supplicant Almost Grovels. } } You owe the Oracle an eye of Newt and his political career too. --- 766-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle ancient and mightier than any mere mortal such as myself, > please answer my humblest of questions. Every time I take a walk, the > tongue in my left sneaker slides down to the side of my shoe until it > is so uncomfortable that I have to reach over and pull it back in its > proper place. Then, it slowly slides back down the side again. Oh, > all powerful and omniscient Oracle, please tell me why this is > happening and how I can stop it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Humble supplicant, you have created your own problem. Tongues, like } all semi-intelligent creatures, respond to stimuli in the manner first } described by noted psychologist / child-care expert B. F. Skinner. } According to Skinner's theories, a creature will try random actions } to achieve its needs until one of those actions receives a response. } If the response fulfills the creature's desire, then it will continue } to use that action to get what it wants until that action is no } longer rewarded. } } Your shoe's tongue merely desires love and attention. It has } discovered that it can get the attention it craves by mischievously } sliding down the side of the shoe. Whenever it does this, you "reward" } the tongue by adjusting it, giving it the loving, attentive touch } that it desires. Thus, whenever the tongue wants a little attention, } it slides down and waits for the reaction it knows you will provide } like some Pavlovian dog. } } To break this cycle, you must first stop rewarding the sliding } behavior. When the tongue slides down, ignore it. It will soon learn } that that is no way to get what it wants. Then you must provide } an alternative method for the tongue to get its desires; you should } spend some quality time with it, letting it know that you care for it. } Then it will no longer feel the need to slide down for attention, } and you can finally have a civil tongue. } } You owe the Oracle an aglet. --- 766-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and all knowing Oracle,whose knowledge and power > surpasses that of the wonderous Bill Gates. > > Will we have users that will not ask where the "any" key is?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now that Microsoft has apologized profusely, } abandoned it's neolithic, clunker system, } and openly admitted that it wants to be like Apple, } other worldly miracles will also grace your planet: } } Children will obey their parents, } Bob Dole will earn an honest day's pay, } Madonna will sing without the aid of a voice-enhancing synthesizer, } a mud-slide will extinguish forest fires in California, } Mike Tyson will fight a living opponent, } NASA will learn something useful from space travel, } OJ and Mark Furman will dance the lambada, } Michael Jordan will lose all his endorsement deals, } Ronald Reagan will remember Dan Quayle's favorite bedtime story, } Toads will seize control of Maine and issue demands (which will be } ignored), } Armani's new spring collection will be made entirely of yogurt, } Sailfin lizards will claim the title "Man's Best Friend", } Kmart will manufacture and stock Alumiwads, } Oracles will be marginally clever on occasion, } Hell with have a frost warning, } } and Bill Gates will personally design a keyboard with an oversized, } blinking "ANY" key that will thrill the millions who have waited } patiently for this day . . . } } You owe Oracle Jasper Sailfin detailed instructions to locate his } "finder" and four ROM Chips from the Chocolate Fireball. --- 766-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Hog Butcher for the World, Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat: > > (Oops, sorry, that was Carl Sandburg's grovel to Windows 95:) > > Not long ago I was poking around in the backcountry of the Alamo Hueco > Mountains, in the New Mexico bootheel near the border with Chihuahua. > I came upon an old fallen-down cattle pen of barbed wire and cedar logs > that must have been a couple generations old. As I kicked aside a > couple of old boards, I noticed a branding iron underneath. It was > completely rusted, of course, but still solid. I couldn't figure out > what the brand was supposed to be; it wasn't letters, or the usual > bar-triangle-circle symbols, but some kind of odd glyph. > > I thought maybe if I could get an imprint it would make some sense, so > I piled up some dry grass and cholla ribs for tinder, broke up a few of > the old planks and started up a fire. When it was good and hot I stuck > the brand in it for a few minutes, and meanwhile smoothed off the top > of a cedar stump the best I could. When the brand was glowing red I > jammed it down on the stump and got a pretty good print of the brand. > > Anyway, here's what the brand looked like: > > xxx > xxx xxx > xxx xxx > xxx xxx > xxx xxx / > xxx // > xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx > x xxx \\ > x x xxx \ > x ^ x xxx > xxxx ]xxxxx[ > ]xxxxx[ > xxx > xxx > xxx > xxxxxxxxx > xxxxx > xxx > v > > So, unfailingly savvy one, what the heck kind of a ranch was running > cattle a brand like this, anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That would be "The Ranch Formerly Known As The Bar Prince Ranch," } known as "TRFKATBPR" to the locals. This ranch was quiet famous in its } day, which was a rather short day, but has long since been relegated } to the level of obscurity where only the authors of Trivial Persuit } questions delve. The ranch specialized in raising short-horned purple } cows and steers. However, in this particular breed, the steers look } so much like the cows that even the cattle themselves couldn't tell } the difference. Thus, their breeding and expansion plans fell apart. } The head of "TRFKATBPR" claimed initially that his new breed of } cattle would become the dominate strain by 1999, but as we now know, } the purple reign was to never be. } } You owe the Oracle a recitation of that famous poem about } purple cows. --- 766-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most revered, who in a single breath can reproduce the > sound of life itself, who's merest whim could shock entire > civilizations unto devastation for centuries to come, please reveal to > thus humble reader: I haven't seen the show in months, but why can't I > get the themesong from the X-files _OUT_ _OF_ _MY_ _HEAD_!?!?!?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course you can get the theme out of your head. If you're not too } wimpy... } } First thing you'll need to do is get your head re-opened. This should } be easier for you than most people, since we had to open your head to } get the theme from the X-files surgically implanted. There should be a } latch somewhere up your nose. Gently push this latch, taking care not } to disturb any boogers so people won't think you're picking your nose. } Your head should pop open. } } Now, taking the theme song out of your head is not quite as easy as } removing an unwanted ferret from your briefcase. There is some soft } and squishy tissue in the way. Remove it. Take it all out. Don't } forget the limbic system. Give this to the Oracle as payment for these } services. } } Take a break. You've worked hard. } } Next, search for a small tape recorder in the base of your skull. Take } that out. We'll be wanting that back... we need to get the theme song } from Married With Children firmly lodged in Newt Gingrich's skull. } } Close your head up again. You may be feeling light-headed; expect this } symptom to persist only until you die.