From oracle-request Wed Aug 9 08:33:37 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id IAA00845; Wed, 9 Aug 1995 08:33:37 -0500 Date: Wed, 9 Aug 1995 08:33:37 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #763 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 763 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #763 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 9 Aug 1995 08:33:37 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 763 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 758 88 votes 4kuoa 46gpB 2cJm7 2tuj8 4owl7 1vuh9 7jwjb dgjnh 5iwr6 8frsa 758 3.2 mean 3.2 4.0 3.2 3.0 3.0 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.1 3.2 --- 763-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty and Magnificent Oracle whose genitalia make the Empire > State building look positively miniscule. Please tell me thy > humble Supplicant. > > Is it really what you do with it that counts and not the size? > > Thanks And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Absolutely. The Empire State Building, while certainly no longer } anywhere near the largest building in the world, is still visited } by millions yearly. } } You owe the Oracle a condom the size of the Hindenburg. --- 763-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will you please, please, please answer my question O large One : > > Is it true that there are arctic bears walking in the streets of Norway > eating a tourist every now and then? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Indeed, indeed, indeed I shall answer your question. } } Having toured various Norwegian localities such as Narvik, Hammerfest, } Alta, Tromso, Skibotn and Skimuchundraidengland I can attest that there } is no problem with Polar bears eating large amounts of tourists. } } Firstly, they are quite finnicky eaters and will only pick at tourists. } The large amount of cholestorol contained in most foreign burger } eating tourists tends to give them upset stomaches if they eat } take-away more than once a week. They much prefer the healthy, lean } locals. Even then, they usually will stop eating when disturbed (they } are very self concious). } } Second, Polar bears are not known for binge eating and other eating } disorders. Allthough there have been a few known cases of Polar bears } subsisting entirely on tourists, they are very much in the minority and } are the subject to various self-help groups where they are encouraged } to talk openly about their eating habits. On the whole, most polar } bears prefer seal or walrus. } } Finally, Polar bears generally only come to town on week-nights, when } there are fewer tourists. They particularly dislike talking to } strangers who don't punctuate their vowels correctly (such as v and d). } They also dislike the strong purchasing power most tourists have, as } it's driven up the price of pickled herring fillets to the extent } that they have to catch and prepare their own. That's why you never } see Polar bears in Nord Kapp on a Saturday night. } } You owe the Oracle a tarry longship and a tankard of mead. --- 763-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how do i get into the World Web Web using Pipeline. I can't find the > way. I have an address but I can't figure out where to put it. thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is unfortunate that you have to access the Internet using an oil } pipeline, but hey, that's the price you pay for living in Alaska. Here } is the entire procedure: } } 1) Take a normal business-sized envelope. } } 2) Write the URL you would like to view on a piece of paper; place } this paper inside the envelope and seal the envelope. } } 3) Write the address you have on the front of the envelope. } } 4) Affix the proper postage to the envelope. (The Post Office will } not deliver without proper postage.) Normally, the cost is 32 } cents. However, for a small extra fee you can have your letter } delivered certified and return receipt requested. (Though the } fee is small, it's not really worth it unless your need to access } this URL is exceptionally critical.) } } 5) Take you letter to the nearest open end of the Alaskan Pipeline } and put it in. } } 6) Soon, a helpful Postal Worker (re-hired after being "let go" from } Exxon following the Exxon Valdeze debacle) will remove your } letter and place it on its way. } } 7) Within 5 to 10 business days, you will receive a hard-copy } printout of the page whose URL you requested. You will receive } an addendum sheet listing the URL's of any links appearing on } this page. You may request to view one or more of these links by } repeating this procedure. (Please, only one URL per envelope.) } } I hope you enjoy your experience with "WWW by Mail". There is no } charge for this service, but you owe the Oracle a 300 baud PPP link. --- 763-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo Oracle, how's it going? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It keeps going, and going, and going..... } } \\ } @ _ } /%(_) } *&&&D } } You owe the Oracle a package of Energizer batteries, } and an appreciation of miniature ASCII art. --- 763-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, strong, powerful, wise, and immortal, whose existnace > trancends all time and space, whose knowledge permeates all, answer > me this: > > Scientists have discovered what the universe was like in the first > few moments of time. Prey tell me, what was it like BEFORE the > universe began? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Before that, there was the Iverse. Some mad bomber guy named God } gave everybody 10 minutes to leave and exploded it. Before anybody } could complain, he told them that he was in charge, and that what } was left (the Un-iverse) was better, and that anybody who didn't } like it could go to Hell. A lot did. I couldn't tell you exactly } what the Iverse was like and how much nicer it was than the Universe, } because I'd have a lot of explaining to do to -- oh, excuse me, the } phone is ringing. --- 763-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich MCgee" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [sniff] ...err 'scuse me y' Lordship sir, yor 'ighness. Pardon me > fer takin' the liberty to bover you, like, at this hour, your > Worshipfullness. But 'see it's about my master, Lord William of > Redmond (p'raps you know him as "God" - leastways, that 'ow 'e likes > to be called). Any'ow, 'ees bin actin' right queer-like lately.Orf > 'is bloomin' rocker if you ask me - ...err not that *you* would > ask *me* or anythin, yor supremeness, sir [tugs forelock]. 'E seems > to be obsessed wiv some kind of bloomin' insect. U'm tellin' ya - > that butlers pantry is as spotless as the day it was carved out of > the solid bedrock by college graduates wiv toofpicks. And 'is temper! > U'm gettin sick of bringin' 'im the 'ed of some poor sod on a plate - > who d'ya think 'as to get the blood out of the carpet? > > Any'ow, yor judgeship, sir [tugs forelock], yor Worship. I 'ave this > offer to buttle for the Earl of Gerstener. 'E says I'll 'av shorter > hours by doing more jobs at the same time. But 'ow can I leave Lord > Bill in such a terrible predicament, and 'im so young an' all? > > ..err, sorry 'bout the bloodstains y'Lordship sir. I'll wipe 'em wiv > me 'ankie... [retreats crouching, tugging forelock] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is not sure that he quite understands your dilemma. After } all, there must be: } } 50 WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR BUTLER } } 1. Bash him in the head, Fred. } 2. Drown him in spam, Sam. } 3. Nuke his nuts, Klutz. } 4. Drown him in grapefruit juice, Bruce. } 5. Electrocute his CD-ROM, Tom. } 6. Incite an angry mob, Bob. } 7. Garrote his pelvis, Elvis. } 8. Make your day, Ray. } 9. Tickle him silly, Billy. } 10. Defenestrate his sister, Mister. } 11. Zot him in the tool shed, Ed. } 12. Plastique should do the trick, Dick. } 13. Phasers set on "Destroy", Leroy. } 14. Lose him in a cave, Dave. } 15. Ben-Gay in his jock, Rock. } 16. Hand him the radio when he's wet, Brett. } 17. A chainsaw would come in handy, Randy. } 18. Make him to listen to 17 straight hours of Marie and Donny, Ronny. } 19. Target practice for the bomb, John. } 20. Ear muffs with an ice pick, Rick. } 21. Do-it-yourself Hari-Kari, Larry. } 22. A copper umbrella in a thunderstorm, Norm. } 23. Harpoon him in the booty, Rudy. } 24. Force him to eat anchovies or starve, Harve. } 25. Introduce his heart to a stake, Jake. } 26. Tie his tongue to a motor boat in the bay, Jay. } 27. Strychnine in oysters on the half shell, Del. } 28. Drop a 16-ton weight on his toe, Joe. } 29. Back up his post-nasal drip, Chip. } 30. Chop off his hand, Stan. } 31. Ambush him in the park, Mark. } 32. Grow pirrhanas as a hobby, Robbie. } 33. Turn him into a stiff, Cliff. } 34. Tin cans have a sharp rim, Tim. } 35. Castrate him like I did, Sid. } 36. A curse from an angry witch, Mitch. } 37. Arsenic comes in pill, Will. } 38. Have him show a rabid iguana who's boss, Ross. } 39. Jam his fingers in La Machine, Gene. } 40. Boil his parakeet in a stew, Lou. } 41. Hand him a box of killer bees and leave, Steve. } 42. Lock a wildebeast with him in the garage, Rog. } 43. Aim a bazooka at his leg, Greg. } 44. Push him in a gorge, George. } 45. Give him a lot of guilt, Milt. } 46. Muriatic acid in his fermented barley, Charlie. } 47. Tabasco sauce in his shirt, Bert. } 48. Put him in a baggie til he turns blue, Hugh. } 49. A noose from a limb, Jim. } 50. Just get yourself free, Lee. } } Let the Oracle know how it turns out, ok? --- 763-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and gentle oracle, here I am down on my knees humbly > begging for a few drops of your immense wisdom. please tell me why is > the O. J. Simpson trial taking so long? I can't stand it any more. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gentle supplicant, the Oracle couldn't take any more of it several } months ago, so unfortunately the Oracle has no idea of why it is } still going on. Let's just tune in ... } } Defense lawyer: So sir, you would say that the absence of the 1.2 } allele marker on this radiograph marked 30312(c) is } not necessarily definitively inconclusive as to } the presence or absence of the defendant's alleged } DNA in this prosecution sample marked 218-B? Your } own laboratory notes would suggest otherwise, sir! } } Witness: Ah ... could you rephrase that more clearly? } } Defense lawyer: Move that the witness's answer be ruled unresponsive. } } Judge Ito: Objections, counsel for the prosecution? } } Prosecution: Your honor, there is clear precedent under British } common law. In Blackstone's commentaries, in 1523 } it was held that the mere act of responding "Duh" } in court was not necessarily prima facie evidence } of hostility on the witness's part. Indeed, we can } introduce several hundred pages of evidence to } support this position, if Your Honor will grant } a short recess of three days for preparation ... } } Hmm, everything seems to be proceeding apace. No, I can't quite } understand why things are taking so long. } } You owe the oracle a copy of "Blackstone's Big Book of Obfuscation." --- 763-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great and powerful oracle, whose medical knowledge outshines any > mortal man, whose knowledge pales even the great Osler, and whose > consultation fees are ever so reasonable : please, take pity upon the > puny mortal who lies before your feet, and answer the following > question: > > My patient is a 30 y/o cauccasian female, presenting with a complaint > of galactorrhea. PMHx indicates Tx for schizoaffective disorder, using > Risperidal 5mg BID, which handles all positive and negative symptoms. > Schizoaffective disorder is disabling, making withdrawl of Risperdal > impractical. Physical exam confirms galactorrhea. SMAC indicates > elevated prolactin levels. > > Should I perform a CT to R/O pituitary adenoma? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, tricky. } } The first diagnosis must be a throughough analysis of formalised } actuarial, statistical minimalisation and fiscal arrangements. } Has the potential patient been exhibiting behavious such as the } regular disbursement of fiscal entitlements to ameliorative bodies? } If not, you may find that an emergency removal of assetts may result } in affluence deprivation on the part of the practitioner due to the } mis-diagnosis of the patient's fiscal status. } } Secondly, you must assess the litigative state of the potential } plaintiff and any genetically interdependant estate. Failure to do } this can result in severe social trauma and potential status failure, } not to mention the possiblility of practitioner incareration and the } extraction of large lump-sums. Patient inactivation is preferable to } incapacitation as many studies have shown a strong corelation between } patient litigation and biological activity status. } } Only then should you consider the CT to R/O pituitary adenoma. } } You owe the Oracle a housecall and a BMW. --- 763-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and wonderful Oracle, whose personal menagerie far outshines that > held by that weirdo Michael Jackson, please tell me: > > It is said that a kangaroo can not move its hind legs independently of > each other except of course for the Tree Kangaroo. Is this limitation > physical, neurological or is it due to a lack of mental processing > capability? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In Biblical times, the kangaroo was renowed for its knitting. } Unfortunately, the balls of yarn, needles, etc. would fall out of their } otherwise excellent pouches, due to their side-to-side motion as they } walked. The King Kangaroo prayed to on high, saying "Oh Lord, can you } not save us from our plight, you who sent St. Patrick to lead the } snakes from Ireland?" The Lord was touched by the kangaroo's simple } request, and sent one of his saints to lay hands upon the kangaroos. } With this miracle, all the kangaroos began to move about in a way that } kept their pouches from tipping side-to-side. This act of God allowed } the kangaroo to move only by hopping with both legs simultaneously. } } While kangaroos gradually lost the ability to knit, you still hear, to } this very day, about St. Peter and the Purl-y Gait. } } You owe the Oracle a good use for the rotten vegetables being thrown } towards cs.indiana.edu right now... --- 763-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O! All-Wise and Omnibenevolent Oracle! > > I understand You are divine, and God is divine, > and there are other divine and semi-diving entities. > Please give me a chart of the hierarchies of divine beings. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Me } } | } | } } You