From oracle-request Thu Aug 3 15:12:39 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id PAA20432; Thu, 3 Aug 1995 15:12:39 -0500 Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 15:12:39 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #762 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 762 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #762 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 15:12:39 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 762 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 757 81 votes gku96 frme3 2huq6 25ktp 2bAlb agpic 5fppb 5cAj9 3nwda 4gvjb 757 3.1 mean 2.6 2.5 3.2 3.9 3.3 3.1 3.3 3.2 3.0 3.2 --- 762-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most omniscient Oracle, who is mightier than Batman, the Riddler, > the Penguin, the Joker, Two-Face and Alfred put together, tell me... > why does Batman like Chase Meridien better when she doesn't even have > half the style Catwoman does?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because she doesn't compete for royalties in the action-figure toy } market. --- 762-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most divinely masterful genius, God of the skies, the > oceans, the seagulls, and most forms of "gourmet" cooking, I have > searched long and far for an answer to my question, and none yet > have succeeded in giving me a response I can trust, and so I come > to you, upon bended knee. Oh Oracle, should I try to get a driver's > license? Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's just take a peek at the possible futures and find out. } } Case A: (The supplicant applies for a driver's license) } } You pass your written test with flying colors. You are now sitting } behind the wheel of your father's car. (You and I both know you } can't afford your own car, yet). You are taking the road exam. A } Department of Motor Vehicles official, equipped with clipboard and } scowl, sits beside you. You are carefully driving at the posted } speed limit when you suffer a muscle spasm in your right calf. The } gas pedal hits the floor, and the car immediately careens out of } control. Sailing through a red light at 75 MPH, you strike and kill } a pedestrian before finally recovering control of the vehicle. A } month later, at your trial, you are convicted of manslaughter and } sentenced to 5 years in prison. } } Case B: (The supplicant never applies for a driver's license) } } You are walking down the street, as you frequently are, since you } don't drive. You reach the corner, wait for the traffic signal, } and proceed into the intersection. Suddenly, you hear a loud engine } roar to your left. You turn your head just in time to see a car } bearing down on you at high speed. The car hits you. You don't } survive. } } You should definitely try to get a driver's license. --- 762-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How often can you make a girl orgasm in one night? (The sweet young > thing beside me asks!) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In response to your question, one must first consider that making a } girl orgasm is a very different (and far more complicated) task than } making a boy orgasm. First, you must gather the required ingredients: } } The larynx of an emu on acid which was killed by a giant chipmunk. } The heart of a small child (preferably in a jar). } The liver of a two-headed humanoid which died after drinking three Pan- } Galactic Gargle Blasters. } The brain of an artificially intelligent robot which NASA created three } months ago, but which it is not planning to declassify for at least } another three years.* } The spleen of any convenient protozoan. } The spine of a Hooloovoo. } 3 hamsters. } 5 rolls of duct tape. } Ten pairs of those really annoying fuzzy dice. } A printout of the entire traffic of the USENET from one day (or, if } this cannot be obtained, a printout of the traffic from comp.* } should work nearly as well). } } You will also need some equipment: } 1 "Big Bob's Economy Size Cloning Machine and Incubator." } A large pot. } A very large, very loud drum. } } Now that you have everything you need, the following steps must be } performed: } 1. Dump everything, except for the fuzzy dice, into the pot, and carry } it to the top of the nearest convenient hill. (Be sure to dump the } heart out of its jar -- many perfectly good girl orgasms are } screwed up when this is forgotten.) } 2. (This step is what actually creates the girl orgasm, and can only } be performed by an insecure, male virgin (you should be able to do } it easily).) Beat the drum in a slow, steady rhythm, while } chanting, as loudly as possible (in fact, yell more than chant) "I } am NOT a virgin! I am NOT a virgin! I am NOT a virgin!" } 3. Continue step two until midnight during a full moon, or the police } arrest you for disturbing the peace. } 4. Go back, and retrieve the pot. } 5. Place the small, tribble-like thing in the pot in Big Bob's Economy } Size Cloning Machine and Incubator for ten to fifteen minutes, or } until golden brown. } 6. Your little girl orgasm should now be wandering around, generally } making a nuisance of itself, making messes on the furniture, and so } forth. } 7. For the first three days, feed it a pair of fuzzy dice three times } a day. After three days, it will be ready to eat its natural food, } Deveels, so be sure you have a steady supply on hand. } } You should be able to create about three girl orgasms, on a good night, } if you have everything you need already laid out. } } You owe the Oracle Big Bob's Economy Size Cloning Machine and } Incubator, three hamsters, five rolls of Duct tape, and ten good } grovels. } } * Those at NASA who actually know about this robot, which has an IQ of } approxamately 300, will prevent all of NASA's funding from } disappearing in the next ten years. It will, however, fail, and in } the year 2010 the world will be taken over be invading aliens from } Betelguese. Fortunately for Earth, Betelgueseans are kind beings, and } will actually raise human civilization up about five levels before } enslaving the population. --- 762-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, I've just seen "The Net" with the delectable Sandra Bullock, > and now I have these strange nightmares that the government's after me! > What can I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just take deep breaths and relax. "The Net" was a work of fiction. } The U.S. Government is certainly not spying on you or anyone else. } Your activities, both on the net and otherwise, are your business and } your business alone. You can be assured of this. } } You owe the Oracle a date with Sandra Bullock. } } -- } CLINT L. HUNTER, Special Agent, Computer-Based Intelligence } Federal Bureau of Investigations, Washington, D.C. } --- 762-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, surfer of the net since its earliest days, please > help me. I read in Time Magazine that 83% of the information sent over > the net is pornographic or sexually explicit. Yet, despite this > abundance, I can never find anything sexually explicit. What I am > doing wrong? How should I change my tactics? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Surf naked. --- 762-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does tomato soup always spill on white T-shirts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For the same reason a slice of buttered toast lands butter side down. } In fact, a buttered anything lands butter side down. You could butter } the backside of a cat, and drop it, and it would land on its back } instead of its feet. Then it would rub the butter off on your pants } leg, hiss at you, and go sharpen its claws on your sofa. The fact is, } the natural world has a vendetta against you. Pigeons deliberately } aim at your head when they poop, after months of painstaking research, } the termites have decided that it's your house they're going to invade, } and all your white t-shirts might as well be holding open their arms } in a welcome embrace when the tomato soup goes flying. Eventually } nature will win, and you will die. And the damn cat will probably } dig up your gravesite. Better get rid of the cat now. That's my } advice. } } You owe the oracle a stain stick. --- 762-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > <*sniff*> I... I <*sniff*> fell off <*sniff*> bike and... <*sniff*> and > I got <*sniff*> owwie! <*sniff*> <*sniff*> Make it better? <*sniff*> And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As the Oracle reads the words of the whining, grovelless, babyish, } supplicant, he sees the mother run out of the house and go to her } child... } } Mother: } Oh no! My little darling...are YOU ALL RIGHT????!!!!! } Speak to me! It is all my fault. I should never have } let you ride your bike without wearing a full body suit and some armor. } Will you ever forgive me? } } _______MY____GOD_____!!!!!!!! YOU ARE } ___*****BLEEDING*****_____!! I am } going to have to take ... } ....you to the <5 full minutes of wild hysterical } crying> hospital! They will make you all better. } } As the fish finishes it's meal, it rolls over to bask } in the sun. On its belly are printed the words: "To Johnny and his } mom from T.U.O. *ZOT*" --- 762-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHAT ARE OPS AND WHERE DO YOU GET THEM And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OPS or rather O.P.S is the } } Oracular } Presence } Sensation } } Ths particular ailment is found amongst Users of the Internet. } It is a virus which seems to be most potent around the Newsgroups } rec.humor.oracle.* } } The Virus is transmitted over EMail as a result of Mail Enzymes called } Tell me's and Ask me's. The symptoms of the Virus are as follows.... } } 1) A Strange Compulsion to have sex with anyone named Lisa } 2) An Inexplicable hate for small furry creatures. } 3) The Belief that typing the word ZOT irradicate a human being from } existence. } 4) The belief that you are immortal and anything you say is absolutely } correct. } } In its more advanced stages victims are known as PRIESTS } } Presence } Reaching } Its } Enviable } Sensual } Telepathy } Stage } } The advanced stages are } } 1) All 4 early symptoms } 2) The belief your sense of humo(u)r is funny } 3) The belief you have a direct line to God } 4) You believe you have a GIF file of Lisa with No clothes on. } } Priests seem to enjoy Net popularity however eventually the final stage } arrives the symptoms of this final stage the FURR Stage } } Frequently } Urinating } Recursive } Reasoning } } 1) You belive your first name is Joel } 2) You fall in love with Lemurs and forget about Lisa completely } 3) Your belief in your sense of humour disappears and you realise you } are not funny } 4) You are despised by all the OPS and PRIESTS on the Net } } You owe the Oracle the Promise not to shout at him againa and that } in future you will give me the Proper respect and the promise that } one day he will reach the Digest --- 762-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich MCgee" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you're slipping! I asked this question, and the response I got > was a blank letter with no comment whatsoever! Let's try again! Riddle > me this- Tell me the best way to brown nose with my boss and score > points but give the appearance that I don't brown nose and haven't even > thought of scoring points? This is a difficult task at hand, and > requires advisement from your plethora of Oraculary knowledge. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You'll need chloral hydrate, a rubber hose, a turkey baster and a copy } of Newt Gingrich's "How to Keep Making Friends with Enemas." } } You owe the Oracle the last two ounces of your self-esteem. --- 762-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, sage of greatest ability, > Who put the "Backwards" in "Backwards compatability?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Please hold into a mirror: } } .sdrawkcab gnitirw sih ffo lla etorw eh esuaceb ,icniV iD odranoeL } yltenifed si "ytilibatapmoC sdrawkcaB" ni "sdrawkcab" eht tup ohw } nosrep ehT } } - Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.