From oracle-request Wed Jul 26 00:10:43 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id AAA03095; Wed, 26 Jul 1995 00:10:43 -0500 Date: Wed, 26 Jul 1995 00:10:43 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #759 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 759 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #759 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 26 Jul 1995 00:10:43 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 759 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 754 98 votes 5owod 6bszi 8sts5 aPra0 45puy 7opph 3izvb 8yum4 8wBh4 48rwr 754 3.2 mean 3.2 3.5 2.9 2.4 3.9 3.2 3.3 2.8 2.8 3.7 --- 759-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O all-knowing, all-seeing Oracle who is smart enough to calculate all > the trajectories of asteroids in the heavens, strong enough to stop the > Earth from orbiting about the Sun, and is kind enough to lend precious > answers to us, your humble supplicants, can you answer me one short > quick question? No, not that one. The question I want answered is > this: Why does my monitor keep blacking out on me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Damnit! Ever since they switched to fee-based support, everybody with } a software or hardware problem thinks it's cheaper to ask me! Me, the } divine repository of the wisdom of the ages! This jerk deserves to be } zotted, he really does..... } } Your moniter goes black when you accidently kick the power cord. What, } you already checked the power cord? Then resubmit your question with } pertinate details, such as: } } Your computer: Macintosh, Windows or DOS based PC, other? } Your moniter: what brand, what size, what resolution, what video } driver are you using? } Your security: what sort of virus checking do you use, and how } recently were your definitions updated? What, no virus checking? } That's something to work on right there, isn't it? } Your problem: "blacking out" isn't enough! Does it black out and come } right back, black out and stay that way, black out and come back when } you reboot? } Does it black out during certain conditions, or does it just seem } random? } } Omniscience does NOT imply omnipatience! Show a little more } consideration next time, or it's zots for you! } } You owe the Oracle a 3 year free support contract. --- 759-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where is the best place in town to meet people? I'm not looking for a > really serious date, but just somebody nice. > > ================== > Jane Doe > St Elmo Medical Center And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Go down the hall, turn left - see the sign that says men on the door? } Take it off & hang it on your office door. } Sure fire way to meet people & discover if they have a sense of humor } too. } } You owe the oracle a roll to two-ply, extra soft bathroom tissue. --- 759-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich MCgee" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, great and wise... you who have sampled everything edible and > could write a restaraunt review for any establishment ever in > existence... > > What is the white powder-like stuff on a marshmallow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In 1956, the U.S. Army began a highly classified initiative to } develop new counter-intelligence methods. One of these was 'tracer } dust': a substance that would (behaving much like pollen on a bee) } stick to a subject and rub off on anything he touched, be invisible } to the naked eye, yet be easily recovered with special lighting } or instruments. } In the course of research, several new compounds were developed that } had the desired behavior but were not the least bit invisible. The lab } personnel would bestow upon them wacky nicknames like 'bisquick', } 'nacho cheese flavoring', 'donut powder', and 'toner'. Some of them } were partially declassified and released as popular consumer products. } Marshmallows were rumored to be coated with such a substance, but a } Congressional inquiry, fifteen different conspiracy-theory books, } and an Oliver Stone movie all failed to uncover the fact that they're } coated with corn starch to keep them from sticking together. } } You owe the Oracle a coat hanger and a campfire. --- 759-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@cyberspy.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most exalted Oracle on all the Internet, you who controls the airwaves > and the bandwidth, you who knows why the 0 key on my remote control > doesn't work... > Please tell me, why is there no channel one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A long time ago, when the world was new, God created 20 channels. } Channels are small creatures, very slow to mature, and thus very } difficult to breed. Normally nearly invisible, they generally pass } their time running around, blaring noise, broadcasting drivel and when } something bad happens they gather around and scream "SPECIAL REPORT" } and "EMERGENCY BROADCASTS" God thought these creatures were necessary, } so when Noah was loading the animals onto the ark (pre-flood time, } as you know), God directed him to find all of the channels, and get } them onto the ark as well as two of every other creature. } } As you very well know, channels are always changing, and often } go by network names (ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox) which makes them very } difficult to find, especially considering the fact that Noah had } a short time schedule. So Noah devised the perfect scheme to } find all the channels at once. Noah committed a hideous crime. } He was immediately surrounded by 19 channels jumping up and down and } yelling "We interupt this broadcast to bring you a special report". } Noah caught the ghostlike creatures and brought them onto the ark. } He then put them into a cage so they wouldn't run loose on the ark } and create havoc (they compel humans to watch their "broadcasts", } and Noah & his sons had better things to do with the flood coming). } } After getting them into the cage, it began to rain, and rain, and rain, } and rain. What with all the paperwork and inventorying the animals } and everything, it wasn't until the 5th day before Noah realized that } he was missing a some animals, the unicorn, the dragon, and Channel } number 1. Of course, by that time it was too late, so the world will } never know the mindless drivel of Channel 1. --- 759-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and powerful oracle, please tell me... > > ...Why do I (oh hold on a sec, let me check > my voice mail)... > > oh, okay, what I wanted to ask you is if you > could tell me why I... > > (wait, be back in a sec, I just thought of > someone I've been meaning to visit)... > > anyway, what I wanted to ask you is if you... > > (be right back, gotta get some coffee)... > > ...oh, okay, no more interruptions, I just wanted > to figure out the reason that I procra.. > > (Gotta go grab the paper out of my mailbox, back > in a second....) > > phew...alright, why do I procrastinate so much? I > can't seem to get things done until the last minute. > > Thanks.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is pondering your question. He'll have an answer for you... } later. --- 759-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When will marijuana be legalized in the U.S.? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } Here is a concise future history: } } 1997: Gov. Pete Wilson takes over the Presidency of the United States, } becoming the forty-third U.S. President, under his campaign promise: } "I smoked it, but it was made in the U.S. and provided jobs for five } hard-working U.S. citizens." } } 1998: Surgeon General McAffee produces report that smoking marijuana } converts people from type A personalities (aggressive) to type B } personalities (more laid-back), making them less susceptible to } heart attacks, strokes, ulcers, and voting outside the party line. } } 1999: (February 23) Newt Gingrich passes a bill saying that no one } who has smoked marijuana, had sex with a married woman other than their } wife, or accepted a bribe worth more than $10,000 may hold public } office. } } 1999: (February 24) To their immense surprise, Democrats retake the } House and Senate from the Republicans, due to the third measure of the } above bill. } } 2000: Pres. Wilson declares that 'more study is needed for } possibilities of legalizing marijuana'. } } ... oh, dear... let me flip through this... } } 2004: Pres. Mike Kinsley declares that 'more study is needed for } possibilities of legalizing marijuana'. } } 2008: Pres. Colin Powell declares that 'more study is needed for } possibilities of legalizing marijuana'. } } [flip] } } 2030: Pres. Wil Wheaton declares that 'more study is needed for } possibilities of legalizing marijuana'. } } Hrm. I don't see it happening until the Great Islamic Uprising of } 2055, when alcohol is banned but kif becomes legal. } } You owe the Oracle a good grovel, some of the pottery that was removed } from the Mexican shipments marked 'Fragile: Archelogical Samples', and } four ounces of Erisian Gold. --- 759-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how do I access WWW And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a long and convoluted process involving six major characters. } How they interact is pretty much up to the reader. If all else fails, } the moral of the story often turns out to be "Call AOL." } } THE CAST. } } The User. (protagonist, i.e., you) Character Note: Informed, probably } decently educated and above-average intelligent, but then again } maybe not, and sick of hearing about the "information superhighway" } and "cyberspace," but then again maybe intrigued. } } The User's Computer. Char. Note: Seemingly transparent, a doorway, as } it were, to worlds more profoundly interesting than anything we could } dream up unless we were someone else's subconscious, but actually } completely self-aware and out to get you. } } The Internet Service Providers. (thousands of them) No Character Note } necessary, as they only appear as a swaying, vaguely threatening } mob in the background of all the scenes of the play. Out to get you. } } Content Providers. (jillions of them) Char. Note: Obsessed with } creating torture known as "homepages." Your basic "homepage" will } contain a) a 500K black and white uncropped picture of the C.P., b) a } 499K black and white uncropped picture of the C.P.'s cat, c) a link } which doesn't work to the C.P.'s educational institution, d) a link } which doesn't work to the C.P.'s Internet Provider (see below), e) a } link which may or may not work to someone else's coffee machine, lava } lamp, or fishtank, and of course f) several hundred 30K "under } construction" icons. This is what used to be called arts and crafts. } } Your Mom. (does not appear on stage; voice only) Char. Note: Will call } continuously at inopportune moments to knock you off the phone at that } crucial point writers like to call Just When Things Were Getting Good, } You Know. In this way and undoubtedly others, she is out to get you. } } Congress. (our antagonist) Char. Note: Just basically out to get you, } except with a bit of a time constraint involving your need to get } online and sign six or seven petitions before they eventually do. } } All of these characters play out the scenes you've no doubt already } scripted or watched over someone else's shoulder. They appear in pretty } much the order they are listed, with (1) buying (2), selling organs to } afford (3), getting interested in (4), getting annoyed by (5), and } succumbing in the play's not-at-all-filthy-and-gory-but-still-quite- } effective-in-a-we've-learned-a-lesson-today-haven't-we-Billy final } scene to (6). } } Not a pretty show, but, man, we're beating the living hell out of } Sunset Boulevard at the "virtual" box office. --- 759-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oy vey! So, here you are! Schlepping around on the computer as always! > > Look at you...I pay good money to put you through law school, and what? > You go and throw it all away to become an omnipotent being! You're > breaking your mother's heart, don't you know that? She's got high blood > pressure, and it's all because of you. > > And, now, to find out you took a gentile's name. Gottim himmel! I would > have bet my tuchus that you would still have that much respect for your > family. But, no...Herschel Oraclovsky wasn't good enough. You had to go > and change it to Usenet Oracle. What they hell kind of name is that > anyway? > > And, to top it all off, you're rooming with that Lisa girl...a > CATHOLIC! Your great grandmother Ruth is probably turning over in her > grave. > > And one more thing...you do NOT put HAM AND CHEESE ON A BAGEL! > Oy...it's time for my pills... > Dad > > P.S. Call your mother. But not on Saturday. Bloomingdale's is having a > sale. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear rec.humor.oracle readers: } } I'm terribly sorry that you had to see that. You see, lately I've been } stalked by Nancy Walker. (You remember: she played Valerie Harper's } mother on "Rhoda".) Anyway, being out of work for so long seems to } have pushed her over the edge, and so now she lives in some kind of } fantasy world in which I am her son. She gets all "verklemmt" if I } don't promise to visit her. Now I guess she's writing me letters and } signing them "Dad". The woman needs help. } } Actually, this happens to me all the time when television shows get } cancelled. For years, Delta Burke kept calling me Nowell, which I } think was the name of her pet pig on "Designing Women". Thank God for } "Baywatch"; the letters from David Hasselhoff were getting rather } spooky. I fear the day "Roseanne" is cancelled--that is one scary } woman. } } I apologize for any inconvenience. } } The Usenet Oracle } } P.S. I feel I should distance myself from Ms. Walker's comments about } Catholics. The Oracle is actually quite fond of Catholics. JP2 is } about as close to a peer as I have among mortals... --- 759-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how do i switch to using netscape browser with my pipeline account? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you for your question. As your Internet Service Provider, } we are pleased to assist in your exploration of the computing world's } fastest growing realm. } } As you have no doubt observed, the explosion of the Web has made } your existing command line account rather limited. To better serve } your expanding needs, we are pleased to offer the following tiered } service packages: } } Baseline Account } This is our most basic account. You get a shell prompt. On-line } help is disabled. Transfer protocol is 'cat'. } $5.00/month } } Extra(tm) Account } All Baseline features, plus: } o On-line help } o On-line manual pages (first 20 accesses free) } o XModem (checksum) } $7.50/month } } Super(tm) Account } All Extra(tm) features, plus: } o Unlimited manual page reference } o Lower case support } o 8-bit connection } o XModem (CRC) } $10.00/month + $1.00/hour } } SuperExtra(tm) Account } All Super(tm) features, plus: } o Command line editing (backspace, ^X) } o 24-hour access privileges } o XModem (1K blocks), YModem } o Free outbound mail } $12.00/month + $1.25/hour } } Master(tm) Account } All SuperExtra(tm) features, plus: } o Free inbound mail } o Newsgroup access } o ZModem } $15.00/month + $1.65/hour } } MasterExtra(tm) Account } All Master(tm) features, plus: } o Configurable newline termination } o Apple Newton(tm) support } o Personal netnews killfiles enabled } o 9600 bps access privileges } o Kermit } $20.00/month + $2.10/hour } } MasterSuper(tm) Account } All MasterExtra(tm) features, plus: } o Account password protection } o Shift-lock support } o Access to code development tools (vi, emacs, EDLIN, } etc.) } o UUCP } $22.00/month + $2.50/hour + $0.01/Kbyte } } MasterSuperExtra(tm) Account } All MasterSuper(tm) features, plus: } o Access to additional code development tools (cc, as, } etc.) } o 80 column support } o 512K storage } o Tint control } o Gopher } $25.00/month + $2.75/hour + $0.05/Kbyte } } Executive(tm) Account } All MasterSuperExtra(tm) features, plus: } o Access to compiled output (a.out) } o 2048K disk storage (additional to 512K on tape) } o 600 DPI } o SLIP/PPP } $50.00/month + $4.99/hour + $0.198/Kbyte } } We are also pleased to announce our first account specially } tailored for businesses: } } Entrepreneur(tm) Account } o Your choice of shell (csh, tcsh, ksh, bash, etc.) } o SLIP, PPP (yielding direct FTP and HTTP connections) } o 14400 bps, 28800 bps, ISDN, or leased line connections available } o 20M storage on RAID array with mirrored backup (additional } storage for extra charge) } o Full suite of development tools (yacc, lex, sed, awk, perl, } etc.) } o DNS registration (become your own domain on the net!) } o Complete PGP tool set } o CNID reverse-lookup phone database } o USGS maps collated and annotated by zip code and demographics } (in Postscript and DVI) } o Access to all our members' registration data (excepting those } who explicitly requested at least three times to be excluded) } o Public relations tools (SpamTool, with NoCem evasion heuristics) } o Libel/slander control facilities (canceltool) } o Intelligent mail filter suites } o 24-hour phone support } } $300.00/month! } (Must be registered as a commercial business within your state to } qualify) } } We think you'll agree these new options offer unparallelled } flexibility, and that no one else offers a better deal for direct } Internet access. We're pleased you've chosen us, and hope will } continue to stay with us. See you on the Net! } } You owe The Oracle an account on best.com. --- 759-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you no some adresses of nice MUDs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but here are some usegroups. } } alt.startrek.harry.mud } alt.eat.more.mud.pie } alt.use.mud.pack } alt.get.out.mud.stains } } But first you might wish to check out. } } alt.learn.how.to.spell.geek } } And because there was not a grovel as normally expected, } here is one for you. } alt.zot.supplicant.die.die.die