From oracle-request Fri Jul 14 17:59:56 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id RAA08596; Fri, 14 Jul 1995 17:59:56 -0500 Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 17:59:56 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #756 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 756 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #756 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 17:59:56 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 756 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 751 78 votes bfrk5 8npe8 7sne6 8imp5 6aps9 58fqo 27isn 4eooc asv72 19qnj 751 3.2 mean 2.9 2.9 2.8 3.0 3.3 3.7 3.8 3.3 2.5 3.6 --- 756-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dearest, most musicologically correct Oracle, I kiss your Treble Clefs > and whuggle your staves in appreciation. > > Oh Orrie, can you please tell me, can you think of a song that has the > words 'I used to think that love was just a fairytale' in it? It's > on the tip of my tongue, but I just can't place it. > > Many thanks if you can be of assistance. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As a matter of fact, it's one of my favorites! I'd be glad to pass it } on (especially since it's been a long time since I've had my staves } whuggled like THAT): } } I used to think that love was just a fairytale } I used to think that love was just a fairytale } I used to think that love was just a fairytale } And now I got dem fairytale blues } [repeat 15 times] } } You owe the Oracle a harmonica. --- 756-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle who lives on high > And answers with true verity > Please please please please tell me why > Money does not grow on trees And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am not the Lorax but I speak for the trees. } And centuries ago it all started with leaves. } "The sun," you complained, "is too hot and too bright, } and our only relief is the darkness of night. } In your infinite wisdom could you please find a way } to give us some shelter from the heat of the day." } So from each tiny branch a wonder did sprout, } but greed took its hold and you started to pout, } "The beasts of the field run too quickly for us. } Do you think you could make them a bit motionless?" } Soon there was fruit on each blossoming tree. } Their taste was delicious, but most of all, free. } "We've only just noticed during parts of the year } how cold the wind could blow around here. } The fruit is just great, and there's plenty around, } but it is a bit high; make us warm near the ground." } Soon there was fire, and huts, and then houses } and then naked women in clean cotton blouses. } and naked men in their ties, and babies still nude } had to pay for things instead of searching for food, } had to pay for things that used to be free } when young was the world, and naked the tree. } So down through the years it came and it went } but with each new strain you found discontent. } Now you glance at the sky and you dare to ask } why the trees won't grant you just one little task. } I will offer you this because silent they stand } and if you are wise you will keep it at hand, } "Because with everything given you just wanted more, } there are punishments worse than keeping you poor." } } You owe. --- 756-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Nearly 30 years ago Mick Jagger sang: > "I try > And I try > And I try > And I try... > I can't get no satisfaction". > > Has his situation improved at all in the intervening years? And what > was/is the problem? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The problem is that the gentleman in question is seriously deficient in } his use of proper grammar. If he were to exclaim correctly "I can't } get any satisfaction," then the grace known only by those who use the } beautiful language of English in all its exquisite glory would descend } upon him. But he did not and does not and so he remains unsatisfied. } } Beware yourself of misusing your native idiom: double negatives, split } infinitives, and prepositions at the end of sentences. You may find } yourself with the curse of the Vernacular. } } Thus speaks the Oracle! } } (PS In case you were wondering, the curse consists of looking like Don } Knotts and prancing around in spandex in front of the entire world. } Words of Warning, indeed.) --- 756-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WISE ORACLE .. tell me, what is the best computer of all time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Foolish supplicant, you should be more specific, } for it all depends on what you want it for. } } If you're into pumping iron, and want to bulk up, I can recommend } the HERNIAC; built in 1949 as the world's first portable computer, } it weighed several hundred pounds, and cost thousands of times as } much. } } If you're hungry, you need an Amiga, for it's lonely to eat alone. } (You thought I'd say an Apple? That's not very filling, is it?) } } If you're playing Go, Atari is a nice thing to say. } } If you're an actor, preparing for a role whose emotions range from } rage to despair, any computer at all will do, as long as it's } running Microsoft software. } } My old Osborne is the most energy-efficient computer I own, because } I haven't turned it on in years. } } Bio researchers like clones, psychos like Crays, poker players DEC, } vampires NEC, while electricians hate sparcs but love powerPCs. } } You owe the Oracle all of the above. --- 756-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who is so wise he even knows where Scott Adams is now, (And > I DON'T mean the guy who writes "Dilbert") please spare me the smallest > bit of your wisdom. > > I went to sleep last night thinking everything was fine. However, when > I woke up, it appeares that I am now outside of a small white house > with a boarded front door. The house is in a small clearing in the > middle of a forest. Oh, yeah. There's a small mailbox here too. What do > you think I should do now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stuck and want some clues, eh? } Here's a walkthru to help you get started. } } Inventory } You're carrying: An M-80, a Power Ranger action figure, a small squid, } and a picture of Pat Robertson. } } Look } You notice a kid busy picking his nose while burning ants with a } magnifying glass. } } Talk to kid } He ignores you. } } Hit kid } The authorities would file abuse charges. } } Show picture to kid } God wouldn't like that. } } Give squid to kid } What? And waste a perfectly good squid? } } Give Power Ranger to kid. } The kid starts stomping ants with the action figure (ala Godzilla). } You notice he drops his magnifying glass. } } Pick up magnifying glass. } (5 points) } } Open mailbox } Done } } Put M-80 in mailbox. } (8 points) } } Put picture in mailbox. } (18 points) } } Put squid in mailbox. } The squid hangs on tightly to the mailbox, refusing to go in. } } Take squid } Done. } } Look } You see a mailbox. Inside the mailbox is a picture of Pat Robertson, } and an M-80. The mailbox is open. The flag is down. } } Lift flag. } The red mailbox flag is now up. } (20 points) } } Use magnifying glass with M-80. } Sizzle.....(25 points) } } Close mailbox } (30 points) } } Run like hell } Hey, this is a family game! } } Run like heck. } (35 points) } You run like the wind, and brace yourself behind the nearest tree and } wait. The kid notices that the mailbox flag is up, and delighted with } the thought that his dad's Playboy is about due, rushes to check. } BOOM! } } Go to mailbox } There's no mailbox here. } } Look } You see part of the post a mailbox was on, and an awful red mess. } } Look at mess. } It's horribly grotesque. You're amazed at how far kids can go these } days. You see something sticking out of the dirt. } } Examine dirt. } You see a small crater, with a red flag sticking out. } } Get flag } The flag is stuck. } } Use squid with flag. } The squid handily removes the flag from the soil. } (42 points) } } Examine flag. } The flag is imbeded in what appears to be the remains of an action } figure of some sort or another. } } Look at house. } You are outside a small white house. The door is boarded shut. } } Use flag on door. } The flag/action figure/squid makes an excellent prying tool. In } 12 seconds flat the door is unboarded. } (50 points) } } Open door. } Done } (52 points) } } Enter house } You are now inside the small white house. } } Look. } You see a fridge, small bed, and an aquarium. } } Put squid in aquarium. } The squid is glad to be home. Quite famished at this point, begins } eating the tropical fish. He eyes the fridge with anticipation. } (60 points) } } Go back to bed. } (65 points) } } You have obtained a score of 65 points out of 100. This gives you the } rank of snoozer. } You let your thoughts drift as sleep overtakes you... } You wake up. You are outside of a small white house in a forest } clearing. The front door is boarded shut. Oh, there's a mailbox here } too. What should you do? --- 756-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: csf The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, oh humble, Oracle... > > Why are Braille keypads on drive-in ATM machines? Blind drivers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } With the invention of seeing eye dogs in 1982, } and the teaching of these dogs to drive in 1986, } the visually-impaired are now able to traverse the } highway as ably as any sighted person. As long } as the dogs sits on its owner's lap, it allows the } visually-impaired owner to drive via a communication } system of barks and thumps. } } In the case of ATMs, it is like putting the carriage } before the horse. As a visually-impaired Oracle } myself, I find it difficult to check my balance when } the screen isn't in Braille, only the keyboard. I'm } also waiting for the US Treasury to be less prejudiced } towards the visually-impaired and start printing Braille } money. I'm getting tired of dog slobber on my wallet, } and Laddie gets tired after 50 barks, so I never know if } I have more than 50 dollars at any time. } } You owe the Oracle a Braille yardstick. I'm building } a new doghouse for Laddie. --- 756-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do black and white cows eat green grass and produce white milk ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Affirmative action. --- 756-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 1 O Bastion of Knowledge that thou art; hear, O Oracle, of mine > lamentations and gnashings of teeth. > > 2 Now the Midwest was subtle, and did bite at mine heel. > > 3 And I ask you, O Oracle, wisest of All; How might a man go unto the > Great Golden West, and how might he profiteth his soul? For I am > sorely wounded as to the place I am, and desire to dwell in that > further land; > > 4 And thus spake I, and making supplication, I fell unto my face and > did lament, trembling before the Oracle and the Word. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 5 And the wind grew still, upon his hearing my weakening } cries. And he brought me near the waters, whence I gained } two hours. } } 6 There came to me a vision as if in a dream of a vast land } where the sun's rays did fall off the roaming vehicles and } it did also shine upon the beasts of the field where the } smog covereth not the sky. } } 7 Then he touched me with his power and mine eyes were } opened up to the blessed meaning. Oh, oracle, your perfect } wisdom. } } 8 Here could cattle of many different breeds be raised and } cheese of great variety be produced to rival those even of } Wisconsin. } } 9 Thusly could I smite the Midwest for its treachery } against my heart. } } 10 And waking upon the ground, I adjusted my nose for } having fallen on my face. --- 756-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: csf The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that if all things have some gravity of their own, my fat > little dog Chester has no tiny little planets and asteroids and > satellites and comets sailing around him in some strange cosmic > symphony? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In fact he does, they're just too small for you to see. There are } dust mites, dust motes, fleas, ticks, and specks of dog biscuit powder } whirling around him constantly, in a strange cosmic symphony. In } fact, the symphony is being conducted by Leonard Burns-Sting, the } famous dust mite conductor and composer. You should feel honored. } } You owe the Oracle a season pass to the London Philharmonic. --- 756-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well, I'm kinda nervous cuz this is the first time I've actually > written to a famous Oracle so I hope you'll excuse me if I mistype > a few words. > > My boss, Mr. Johnson, who's a really, REALLY nice guy and kind of > hunk has just asked me out for a drink tonight. And you know I'm > really flattered cuz I'm not the brightest bulb on the planet, but > I'm also just a little bit, well, concerned I guess is a good word > because he's married. But he tells me that his wife doesn't > understand him and like, I'm sure, cuz what he does here at our > company is SO important and her Bitchiness is calling him all day > long to tell him to pick up the kids from soccor or whining about > when is going to come home and all. Normally I wouldn't go out > with a married man at all, but Mr. Johnson says that he's practically > seperated and everyone knows that's just a step away from getting > a divorce. So my question is: Should I wear my red strapless > or the black tubedress with the CFM pumps? > > Oh, and could I get your autograph? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a very important occasion for you, as it will greatly increase } your understanding of Mr. Johnson's novel ways of thinking. This, } in turn, will enhance your professional reputation immeasurably. } You are right, therefore, to take great care regarding how you } present yourself. } } The key to success here is to take into account Mr. Johnson's personal } tastes and special interests. I can give you a few hints in this area, } but you're probably going to have to do a little shopping. } } You should wear a modestly cut knee-length dress, not those ones } you were thinking of. It should definitely be a button-down dress, } with lots of buttons. No zippers. I'd suggest a dark color, with } matching open-toed shoes with 4-inch heels. Under it, a sheer red } lace camisole, and a push-up bra which fastens in front. (The front } fastener is very important.) } } Also, you'll want a pair of fishnet stockings. It would be best if } they matched the dress and shoes in color, but if you can't manage } that white will do. Don't hold them up with a garter belt, though. } Use a ring of duct tape at the top of each one, instead. } } This next part is a bit embarrasing for me, but you need to know, } so here goes. At that little shop in the mall, get a shiny black } vinyl G-string, and a pair of edible underpants (cherry flavor). } Wear the G-string under the panties (all under your dress, of course). } You'll also need a few accessories, so ask the shopkeeper for a } box of ribbed American Wonders, and a bottle of cinnamon body oil. } Don't worry about what to do with them. Mr. Johnson will be happy } to explain that to you. } } This ensemble will be sure to make a good impression. Rest assured, } your professional career is about to take a giant step forward. } } Since you're concerned about Mr. Johnson's marital status, I can } reassure you on that point, too. There's a photographer at your } local newspaper named Roger Murphy. Give him a call, and tell him } I said to start Operation Gary Hart. He'll make quite sure that Mr. } Johnson truly is practically separated. } } I'm afraid I can't send my autograph by e-mail. But come on over for } a drink and I can give it to you in person. How does tomorrow sound?