From oracle-request Wed Jul 12 12:00:32 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id MAA06426; Wed, 12 Jul 1995 12:00:32 -0500 Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 12:00:32 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #755 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 755 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #755 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 12:00:32 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 755 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 750 83 votes 4ijph 8gkng dizd4 esu74 07qpp 6kerg mngh5 6dnni 8pqea 3akwi 750 3.2 mean 3.4 3.3 2.7 2.5 3.8 3.3 2.5 3.4 2.9 3.6 --- 755-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: csf The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can you tell me what to doon my 4 week vacation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Earth Empire Travel Services (Est. 10,145) invite you to consider } a religious holiday for your next vacation. EETS is proud to offer a } special limited-time package vacation to the planet Arakkis (also known } as Dune), religious center of the universe. } } You'll enjoy ten days and eleven nights (standard time) on the } world where the galactic empire was turned upside down. You'll stay at } the Arakkis Hilton, located just 100 Km from the Arakkene religious } compound. Fly an ornithopter, visit the largest cathedral ever } constructed, or don a Fremen stillsuit and go into the desert on a } visionquest. Tour the spice refineries, or go on an actual spice } gathering foray into the desert and perhaps catch a glimpse of the } legendary sandworms (but not too close!). } } Whatever your vacation desires, Arakkis has it for you; what } would you expect from the center of the universe? } } Remember, time is limited, as are general openings for visitors } to Arakkis, so book your travel date now. } } You owe The Oracle a way to fold space. --- 755-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle, > > Why isn't golf very popular in Iceland? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not Again! } Everybody asks me this question. All those smarties out there, } expecting to get an essay on the problems of finding a white golf ball } in a white fairway in a fog during the six month night. (Miss Smilla } would tell you that there are forty five different shades of white.) } Or what happens to a Number Two Wood when it connects with a golf ball } at 120 miles per hour at -26F. (Sure, the wood splinters into shards, } but doesnt the ball move!) } } But the answer is really simple. Please tell your friends so that I } stop getting this question. In Icelandic, "hguelkachukkle", pronounced } "g-o-l-f" is the practice of cleaning ones underpants with a comb at } the end of the long winter six months night so that it is possible to } crawl around the igloo without clinking and waking up all the kids. } With the laundromat snowed in, it isn't possible to wash smalls, so } combing them is the only solution. But Icelanders are not uncivilised. } They are aware that combing one's underwear is a pretty poor substitute } for a good wash. They are also very aware that combing underwear } is not a desirable group activity; it's something a decent Icelander } does in private, after dinner, and when the late movie has finished. } } So an invitation to join the g-o-l-f club, or to play a round of } g-o-l-f with the visitors from the States, lacks Icelandic appeal. } } Because I dont know how old you are, I wont go into the further } details of what an Icelander understands by "cstauchoq" (pronounced } b-i-r-d-i-e), or "ktujc" (pronounced p-a-r), and as for h-o-l-e i-n } o-n-e, dont ask! } } (You owe the Oracle a golf buggie with caterpillar treads and } headlights (or a set of small combs which glow in the dark) --- 755-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most salient Oracle, for whom the bell tolls, the sun also rises, and > the casons go rolling along: > > There's a local family, the Woods, in town here that will smoke beef or > pork for a reasonable price. I have some chuck steak I'd like them to > smoke, so I called them up last Friday and they said they'd do it with > an aged mesquite that would really bring out the flavor of the meat, a > process they refer to as "wooding" (which, I imagine, speaks to the > product used as well as the family name). > > My problem is that they've assigned Charlie to do the job. Charlie's > getting up there in years, so I did some calling around for some > references and now I have a bit of concern about his ability to handle > the job. So my question to you would be: > > How much chuck could ol' Chuck Wood "wood", if ol' Chuck Wood could > "wood" chuck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi there, Joel Furr here. I like the grovel. } } Okay, first the bad news. I'm afraid the Usenet Oracle is dead. We } think he OD'd on clueless newbie questions, you know, "how do i telnet" } and "where can i get a list of newsgroups" and not a capital letter in } sight. It's bound to take its toll even on an immortal. } } Well, as you can imagine, the Oracle's demise caused not a little panic } among the priesthood, who have got their livelihood riding on this. So } they got together and decided on a replacement and, as I'm about the } nearest thing to omniscience you're likely to find on the Net in short } order, and do a nice line in T-shirts with Net designs (want one?), } they asked me to stand in. } } So that's the good news. However, it does present a bit of a problem as } regards your particular question. It's clearly a convoluted variant on } the woodchuck theme, or ZOTbait as we professionals call it, but } woodchucks don't do anything for me. Lemurs are my thing, as you'll } know if you've hung around rec,humor.oracle.d for more than 2 or 3 } days. So, with your permission, I'll slightly alter the last line of } your question to render the humorous intent more applicable. It now } reads: } } > How many lemmings may a lemur immure if a lemur might immure } > lemmings? } } I know the wordplay is a bit weak compared to the original, but I like } the nod to computer culture by introducing lemmings into it - as in the } game, you know. Right, so here's your answer... } } [With a deafening roar, a huge chasm opens up in the floor of the } Oracular Chamber. The air fills with the smell of brimstone, and } tendrils of flame lick the edges of the crevasse. Joel Furr fights } desperately to regain his balance, fails, and topples over backwards } into the chasm with a spine tingling screech. At the far end of the } chamber, a green glow slowly coalesces into a human shape. Is it Alec } Guinness in one of the later episodes of the Star Wars saga? No. The } shape solidifies. It's the Usenet Oracle!] } } Hah! Dead, am I? Let me tell you something about deities, sunshine! We } go on and on forever so long as there is still one true believer! Of } which there aren't too many to be found in my priesthood, it would } appear. So, Noe, Panzer and the rest of you, as soon as I'm finished } here, you're toast, you hear me! And I hereby promote my one faithful } priest, Zadoc, to Arch-Hierophant in Chief of the Church of the Usenet } Oracle TM (all holy writings subject to copyright). } } But first, let's get the morning's supplications out of the way. What's } this one? "O most salient Oracle... a local family... chuck steak... } aged mesquite..." WHAT?!? A woodchuck question! I get dragged back from } the edge of oblivion and the first thing that pollutes my line of sight } is an effing woodchuck question! That does it! } } > ZOT < } } > ZOT < > ZOT < > ZOT < > ZOT < } } > ZZZOOTT!!! < } } No more Mister Nice Guy. --- 755-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that the outer layer of the earth is made up of mostly > eight elements? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, it's true. Here are the elements and their concentrations: } } 1. McDonald's wrappers (61.42%) } 2. Lost socks (33.84%) } 3. Old TV Guide issues ( 1.05%) } 4. ATM receipts ( 0.96%) } 5. Atari 2600 "Combat" cartridges ( 0.31%) } 6. Coffee filters ( 0.27%) } 7. Golf tees ( 0.25%) } 8. Shopping carts ( 0.18%) } Everything else ( 1.72%) } TOTAL (100.00%) } } You owe the Oracle a Filet-O-Fish Extra Value Meal. --- 755-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the purpose of "higher education"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Higher education"--college and grad school--is designed to separate } those who participate in it from folks with "lower education," a.k.a. } obedience school. } } How else could you tell Brad from Fifi? Let's try an example. } } Brad drinks forty-two beers at the Fraternity Social and barfs all over } the frathouse rug. } } Fifi drinks too quickly from the toilet bowl, and barfs all over the } rug. } } Brad likes his girlfriend Stephanie to put a dog collar on him. } } Fifi likes to wear her spiffy, jeweled dog collar. } } Brad gets so blitzed he can't see, runs out of the frathouse in his } underwear, loses control and takes a dump, and leaves his boxer shorts } hanging on a bush waving in the wind, to be found by a passing student } on the way to chemistry class in the morning. } } Fifi dumps on the lawn fairly regularly. This is known as her "calling } card." } } Brad is a heel. } } Fifi knows how to heel. } } Brad will mate with any woman who wanders by the frathouse, and he } becomes increasingly less picky as his inebriation level increases. } } Fifi will mate with any other passing dog, and she becomes increasingly } less picky in heat, which seems like all the time these days. } } Now I ask you, WITHOUT LOOKING BETWEEN THEIR LEGS for the obvious } clues, how would you know the difference between Brad and Fifi, were it } not for higher education? You see, Brad will eventually have a diploma } to frame for his office wall, and a class ring the size of a pinball to } prove that he has Higher Education. Fifi will only know how to sit, } stay, come, and fetch. They don't give diplomas for that. Folks } meeting Brad and Fifi for the first time will only have to glance at } his wall to know who's who and what, my friend, is what. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the diploma the Wizard gave the Scarecrow, } and a bottle of Courage. --- 755-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > slgjslfkdgjsldfgsdf And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello, InterNIC? Yes, this is Ollie. You know, the Usenet Oracle. } Yes, that's right. I'm getting those misrouted packets for the Mario } Teaches Typing WWW site next door again, and I'm not happy about it. } Not at all. Well, you'd _better_ take care of it this time. Right. } You heard about that? Yes, that was me. Good! Then I won't have } to, unless it happens again. What's that? You'd better be! Bye. } } You owe the Oracle a Dvorak keyboard. --- 755-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Cannes sum won sioux me bee gauze of my spell chequer soft wear? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but judging from the way you've worded your question you should be } able to sue Microsoft. } } You owe the Oracle a spell checker that can deal with homonyms. --- 755-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle ... Everyone knows You are great and this is obvious > simply because you reside at a college campus! The Heavan of all > heavens full of of all the goddesses and ambrosia or beer one young and > bountiful oracle could ever desire!!!! > Since you reside in such a oasis, I must ask You, Oh great taster of > the necter we call hops and barley ... why is that Sam Adams, the Near > oracle of brews, if I may compare so, needs to brewbeers such as CHERRY > WHEAT? It was good, but it tasted like cherry soda, Oh great brew > meister, what's wrong with the traditional brewsky? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is nothing wrong with traditional beer, supplicant. But it seems } your taste buds have gone awry! Cherry Wheat should taste like fruity } *beer*, not soda! But rest assured, the Oracle has diagnosed your } problem, and it appears that you have become afflicted with } Hop-in-Mouth disease. Meaning that one of your taste buds has decided } to no longer listen to neurosynaptic guidance typically provided by } your brain. What you eat is not what you taste. } } The cause of this has something to do with the experiment you } participated in your first year at the campus, the one that paid you } $30 for 3 hours of your time at the nutrition-psych lab, where you had } to eat Lucky Charms while watching videos of Thanksgiving with the } Newman family, as the scent of roadkill skunk was subtly pumped into } the room through the vent you failed to notice behind you. } } It was then that one of your taste buds rebelled, said to itself 'the } show is over', and went a bit whimsical , to } counteract a heavy depression from overworking itself. That was when } your body happened to slip over the edge of food sanity - the fatal } point when you thought the Lucky Charms were really braised quail bits } with marshmallowy kumquat fries, and the glass of milk was really } 100-year-old Bordeaux. Hence the Cherry Wheat epsiode - a climactic } event, but bound to happen eventually. } } So I hear your next question: How the (*&^ +%@ do I heal this anomaly? } The trick to curing what ales you lies in saying "I am the wiser" at } least three times, loud enough to get the little bud in you to heed } your direction. That way, you'll be known to be the wiser of your } anatomical parts, for as we all know: } } We must Coors the darkness to get the Bud wiser Light. } } You owe the Oracle a case of Cafe-au-Lait Corona. With a lime, of } course! --- 755-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most snide, whose avenging nature surfaces only when subjected > to the inane queries of obtuse supplicants, bestow upon this humble and > properly awed mortal an answer to my query... > > I have yet to meet a user from either America OnLine or Compu$erve that > I could not call a boob. It's almost as if these people are given an > idiocy test to see if they qualify to be paying customers, then they go > and annoy everyone else on the 'net. > > Why is this, and are there any exceptions to the AOL/Compu$serve > boob-rule? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } HEHEHEHEH U SA1D "B00B" HEHEHEHEHEHE YEAH TH0SE A0L AND C1$ L0ZERS R S0 } LAME THEY R N0T KEWL L1KE ALL THE RAD B1FF PR0D1GY USERZ L1KE } ME!!!!!!!!1!! YEAH11!!!! PR0D1GY R0CKZ THE NET!!!!!!!11!! } } Y0U 0WE THE 0R1CKLE A PH0NE NUMBER AND ID F0R A HACKERZ EL1TE WAR3Z } B0ARD D00D!!!!1!!AND FTP S1TEZ W1TH KEWL G1FS??? T1FS?? PCXS??/? BMPS? } JPEGS??? MPEGS?/? AND TELL ME H0W 2 ACKSESS B1TNET UZENET NEWZGR0UPZ??? } D0 U KN0W H0W 2 PR0GRAM KEWL GAMEZ L1KE D00M 1N C???? 1 0NLY KN0W } GWBASIC. H0W D0 1 UZE G0PHER 0R W00DCHUCK 0R WHATEVR U CALL 1T? WHERE } CAN 1 ACKSES ARCH1E AND VER0N1CA AND JUGHEAD? AND MR. WEATHERBEE } HAHAHAHAHA!?? 1 AM S0 FUNNEE!!!!!! } } END } EZ1T } EXIT } //EXIT } QUIT } BYE } } +++ATZ } ATH0 --- 755-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, so wise in the ways of life, I am worried. I am a 30 > year old male engineer, and I don't even have a girlfriend. Where can > a computer guy like me meet women? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Warning. You are in violation of edict NG666STN. Your transmission has } been intercepted by the Thought Police and according to Comrade } Gingrinch's criteria is hereby denounced as smut of the lowest ands } most vile kind. You are charged with: } } 1) Using the word "woman" to describe a member of the opposite sex for } a possible relationship, possibly involving sex, possibly extramarital, } possibly nude and with the lights on, possibly with a minor, and } possibly without a priest's express written consent. } } 2) Using the 10 letter "G" word in the contents "I don't even have a } g-------" } } 3) Describing an explict act with a member of the opposite sex: } "Where can a computer guy like me MEET a woman?" } } These are not the type of values that we would like to pass on to our } children. They do not involve the bible, denouncing Darwinism or other } blasphemous heathen ideas, or worshipping your local Republican } representative. } } You are to report to the Ministry of Love for re-education. } } You owe Congress a clue, and the Republicans a copy of the Bill of } Rights (it appears that they lost their copy).