From oracle-request Thu Jul 6 00:10:39 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id AAA00402; Thu, 6 Jul 1995 00:10:39 -0500 Date: Thu, 6 Jul 1995 00:10:39 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #753 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 753 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #753 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 6 Jul 1995 00:10:39 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 753 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 748 76 votes 6lqf8 7kre8 4qkk6 89rma 4fpgg 29gnq eskc2 38lpj 4nnl5 4bujc 748 3.2 mean 3.0 2.9 3.0 3.2 3.3 3.8 2.5 3.6 3.0 3.3 --- 753-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle, why is it when young men go off to college, they > suddenly forget everything about hygene that they learned at home? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gee, I'm sorry, Mrs. Clinton. You mean Bill still hasn't picked that } back up yet? I'll see if I can drop a few hints the next time he comes } to me for advice. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Pert(tm) shampoo, and a sane health care } policy. --- 753-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh highest of high, grovelee of grovellers, the grand Poobah of all > Poobah's, greatest of great, > Etcetera, Etcetera, blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.... > > What ever happened to Cinderella and her glass slippers? > > This supplicant kneels on shards of glass, waiting expectantly for your > answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 'Twas a long sad tale that one, Supplicant. Ok, are you all tucked in? } I'll read you a story... } } /\/\any years ago when the world was a happier place, there lived } Princess Cindarella, a beautiful and virtuous young woman with shining } gold tresses and a pleasant disposition. } } At first after marrying the Prince and leaving her Sugly Isters behind, } she was the happiest Princess in the whole kingdom. The sun was } shining, the birds were twittering in the trees, and all was at peace } with Cindarellas world. } She couldn't have been happier. No longer did she have the scrub the } floors, clean the fireplace, darn the socks, fix the dresses, and do } all those nasty things her evil step-mother had her do. Cindarella was } free to roam around her beautiful crystal palace, and didn't have to do } anything. Anything at all. Ever. Not a thing. } } At first it was marvellous, but as the years grew on, Cindarella } became tired of her effortless existence. Occasionally she'd try to do } a little work around the castle, but Prince Charming would stop her } straight away, because he didn't want his princess to have to work for } anything ever again. He knew the horror and torment she had endured as } a young woman, and thought he was doing the right thing by telling her } to put her feet up. } } Cindarella became more and more frustrated. There was nothing she } could do to help - the servants were under strict orders not to let } Cindarella participate in their day-to-day chores. "Oh, what to do," } she would sigh. } } Inspiration hit one lovely summer's day. A marching band passed } through the nearby town. Cindarella loved the joyous tones, } particularly those of the piccolo. She was sure she could feel her } slippers tingling with delight. Later in the day she summoned one of } the palace servants to fetch the piccolo player from the band. She } decided to learn to play this shrill, bright instrument. "Prince } Charming will simply _adore_ it, " she gleefully thought. } } Twice a week she walked the short distance to the Piccolo players } house, and many months later she had become quite a proficient player. } Tonight was the night, she decided, when her skill and talent would } finally be revealed to her husband, who never suspected a thing all } this time. } } A big dinner party was announced. Dignitaries and Nobles from all } around the land came to dine at the crystal palace of Prince Charming } and Princess Cindarella. They wined and dined on the most sumptuous } foods, and a jolly good time was had by all. Especially Cindarella, } growing ever more excited by the minute as she prepared for her first } solo piccolo recital. } } Ching ching ching! The rap of a spoon on a crystal goblet quickly } hushed the babbling guests; they all turned their attention to the } now-radiant Cindarella. "Ladies and Gentlemen, distinguished guests } and ambassadors. I take great pleasure in announcing that tonight } marks a very important event. If you will be so kind as to listen, I } shall be performing a solo piece on my piccolo, that I have been } learning for some time." After a moment's mystified silence from Prince } Charming the dining hall erupted into thunderous applause as Cinderalla } glided over to her husband, the picollo shaking in her hands as she } prepared to play.... } } The first note rang out. Perfect, clear as a summers day, loud, } confident, beautiful. The entire audience was in paroxysms of pure } ecstasy. } } Then, she played the second note. } } It was ever so _slightly_ sharp. It appeared that there had been a } little too much wine and excitement in the Princesses evening. Her } slippers started to tingle, resonating to the note that she played. } She wobbled unsteadily, the glass slippers seemed to be giving way from } beneath her. Looking down, she noticed that they had completely } disintegrated! Just one wrong note caused her beautiful slippers to } fragment leaving her standing on nothing but a pile of glass dust. } } But still the note echoed around the dining hall, seemingly gaining } more strength as it bounced off the crystal palace walls. Suddenly, } there was an almighty CRASH!, as one of the beautiful windows collapsed } in upon itself. This was followed shortly after by great cracks } appearing in the crystal palace walls. This single note was echoing } throughout the entire palace, causing everything to come crashing down } around their very ears. Not one piece of the crystal palace was left } intact. Within thirty seconds, all that was left were the Prince, the } Princess, and the guests, sitting where the once was a cystal table, } now all reduced to dust. } } A _very_ long minute passed in silence. Prince Charming was the } first to speak. "Cinderella, my dear, People living in glass slippers } shouldn't blow tones....." } } You owe the Oracle some piccolo-proof double glazing. --- 753-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle.. > No grovel will be good enough to describe you.. > Please answer this question from your humble suplicant > > Why is my hair red? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I was expecting a question from you, but that wasn't it. } } Inspired by the "transporters" of Star Trek, the mad } scientist Alaric O'Flanagan decided to invent a device } capable of teleporting a human being, i.e., transporting } someone across space in no time. } } Having constructed experimental transmitting and } receiving stations, he tried sending a rock, a pillow, } and a dog. Each experiment was a success. Then he } tried sending himself. } } Unfortunately, the dog had by now been rather } strongly conditioned into thinking that hopping } into the transmitting station would result in } a reward of doggie treats. } } As a result, the dog jumped onto the transmitter just } as Alaric was preparing to transmit himself. The } half-dog, half-human creature that emerged from the } other side--well, that's you. Alaric had red hair. } And so do you. The only other features of Alaric } that you've inherited are his hands and his e-mail } account. I suggest you make the best use of them } you can. After all, on the internet, no-one knows } you're a dog. --- 753-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What will the weather be like in Scotland tonight? > --J And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (The oracle, seized with a sudden flair for drama, decides to provide a } visual mise en scene to accompany his answer. First, he roots through } Lisa's closet until he finds an old plad skirt she used to wear to } parochial school. It's a tight fit, but after stripping to his skivvies } he finds he can squeeze himself in. Next, he goes outside and selects a } small pig, which he holds under his arm and squeezes to simulate the } sound of a bagpipe) } Ahc, laddie, or lassie as ye may be, tonight...tonight.... (suddenly he } catches sight of his reflection and realizes he has been caught up in } behavior most unbecoming to a deity, and flings aside the pig and the } skirt in disgust). IT'S GOING TO BE FREAKING DAMP TONIGHT, THE SAME } WAY IT'S BEEN SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??? (He } stomps back into the house and angrily slams the door) } You owe the Oracle one candid photo of Willard Scot(t) in full } ceremonial colors. --- 753-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, where the heck can I get on to a > Usenet server? My internet provider doesn't have one. I > have read every FAQ I can find, I have tried every list > of public access servers, I have asked all the old net > hands I have met, and nothing. I want all the groups, I > want to use my newsreader (not gopher or telnet) and I > have to be able to get in via the connection from my > current provider. A lot of internet providers provide > full service for $25 a month, I'd gladly pay that for > just Usenet. Can you help? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi. This is Alison, Lisa's niece. I'm visiting for a few weeks. She } and the Oracle are upstairs right now, something about a widemouth } bass. Anyway, he said not to touch anything so I figure just a few } answers won't hurt anything. } } Omigaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaad! Usenet? Telnet? Internet? What are you going } to do with all those nets???? Something kinky? And gophers? I hope } you aren't planning on doing those sick twisted things I've heard some } people do. } } And what's a public access server? At Miss Goerring's School for } Wayward Girls we had one of those, I think. She was the secretary in } the biology lab. At least I think that's how the janitors we played } strip poker with describe her. } } But if your current provider won't use a net to connect you (no gophers } and I don't blame you) maybe you can find another girlfriend. Try } alt.sex.fetish.bondage. I've always had luck there. } } Oopsie...I hear those strange moaning noises coming from upstairs. } That means they'll be down in a minute. Gotta go. Love ya. Mean it. --- 753-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Creative Writing Lesson XLII > > Today's bonus word is "crispy". Please use it at least once when > completing the following paragraph: > > "Courtney shuddered as the waves of passion swept through her > voluptuous yet tender body. Seldom had she known such a feeling. The > breeze picked up and sent a little shiver up her spine. Surely,...." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ...this had to be the best Extra-Crispy chicken she'd ever tasted. } } All right. You owe the Oracle "I will not send the Oracle my homework } assignments" written 5000 times. Do it again, and it'll be 15000. --- 753-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Greatest Of Omniscients, whose Toejam i am not worthy to consume > (were i to consume toejam), whose Sweat i am not worthy to lick (were > i to lick sweat), whose Name is always Capitalized even when other, > more properly-capitalized words aren't, answer my plea: > > Why can't I find a nice guy who isn't more attached to his > computer than he is to me? > > i wait in quivering anticipation for Your answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Back in the good old days, before computers were available to } the common masses, we had a different method of inciting love } in males. My good friend Cupid (or Eros, whichever name you } prefer) went around with a bow and arrow, and would surreptitiously } spear young men. } } Now these were no ordinary arrows. Instead of killing the poor } fellow outright (which a regular arrow would tend to do), Cupid's } missiles would instead cause the target to fall in love with the } next figure he saw. In general, Cupid would make sure that this } figure was a beautiful young maiden, although every once in a } while he'd have a little fun and substitute another man, or an } ox. } } But times change, and with the current population explosion, } there's no way Cupid could keep up with his job using the old } technique. So now, instead of shooting arrows at eligible } bachelors, he fires off cleverly worded e-mail messages to them, } which have exactly the same effect. } } It's a pity Cupid didn't consult me before he started using this } method, because I could have told him how it would backfire. Of } course, the first figure the e-mail's target sees is his own } computer monitor. And this is why all the nice guys these days } just don't pay any attention to you. } } You owe Cupid a machine gun. --- 753-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle so smart and painless, tell me > > where is the beef? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not only is the grovel weak, the question is too broad. When are you } supplicants going to learn to be more specific? } } Look for the term *beef* in the following: } } alt.cow.beef.flamebroil.notfried.haveityourway - the Burger King } Newsgroup } alt.beef.bigmac.allbeef.specsauce.lettuce.cheese.pickle.onion. } sesameseed.bun - the McDonald's Newsgroup } alt.beef.raw.allbeef.specsauce.lettuce.cheese.pickle.onion.hot.buns - } gifs of hunky guys eating Big Macs } alt.sex.erotica.beef - gif's of fat women } alt.PETA.beef.veal.torture.kill - discussion of radical options to } eliminate the veal industry } alt.beef.cow.gateway.2000 - examples of bad use of the cow motif as a } trademark } news.gov.senate.kennedy.beef - the overweight public official Newsgroup } rec.beef.cow.tilting - recreational use of cows } rec.sex.erotica.bovine.dairy - recreational use of milking equipment } rec.whatsyour.beef.havea.cowman - the Bart Simpson for president } discussion group } } and on the Web: } } http://www.cardiac.net/coronary/clogged/prime.beef/~autopsy/mi.html - } The American Heart Association Home Page } } You owe the Oracle a 16 oz. prime rib and a year's supply of Mevacor. --- 753-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Halt! > Who approaches the Bridge of Death(tm) must answer me these questions > three, ere the other side he see! > > What is your name? > What is your quest? > What is the velocity of a interplanetary Helium-3 tanker in a good > solar tailwind? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My name is The Usenet Oracle. } } My quest is to enlighten the Universe with knowledge. } } Now, the last question depends on a number of factors... } a) the tanker is unmanned } ==> given a force from the solar wind of w/(r^2) and an initial } velocity of 0, and a gravitational force of GMm/(r^2), } a=m/F = m/(wr^(-2) - GMmr^(-2)) } a=mr^2 / (w - GMm) } dv/dt = mr^2 / (w - GMm) } v = mtr^2 / (w - GMm) } } b) the tanker is piloted by Dan Quayle } ==> since it's now heading into the sun, we can just take the } gravitational force, ie. a = r^2 / GM and v = tr^2 / GM } } c) the tanker is piloted by a woodchuck } *ZZZZZZZOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTT* } (the tanker is now going at approx 97.43% the speed of light) } } d) the tanker is piloted by T.U.O. } ==> v = whatever I damn well feel like } } e) the tanker is manned by Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Francois } Mitterand } ==> several nukes go off. the tanker is no longer going anywhere in } particular, but little bits of it are flying away very fast } } f) the tanker is piloted by a supplicant who didn't grovel } see C } } You owe the Oracle an African swallow. --- 753-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you remove injustice from politics? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Get rid of the politicians.