From oracle-request Wed Jun 28 00:10:59 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id AAA00582; Wed, 28 Jun 1995 00:10:59 -0500 Date: Wed, 28 Jun 1995 00:10:59 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #749 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 749 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #749 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 28 Jun 1995 00:10:59 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 749 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 744 90 votes ulnc4 6ntjd 2akyo 5hxv4 2juof bAv93 5myk9 3ernn 1nEi8 3cmxk 744 3.2 mean 2.3 3.1 3.8 3.1 3.3 2.5 3.1 3.5 3.1 3.6 --- 749-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most great and eminent Oracle, I abase myself > humbly before your magnificence and ask a reply to > this question, which puzzles me enormously but > which will certainly pose no problem for your > enormous intellect. > > The C programming language has a couple of operators, > ++ and --, and very useful operators they are, too. > But it is does not have a ** operator. Why is this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Oracle sits back in rocking chair, lights his politically-incorrect } pipe, takes a few puffs and looks off in the distance thoughtfully.] } } Ah yes... I remember back in the ol' days, back when K&R were still } pups... we was working on the A language. Back then we didn't have } all these fancy schmancy development tools you kids have nowadays, } nosiree. Back then used chisels to carve out the punches on rock slabs } that were put into groups and read, one by one, into a machine. Yes } sir, times were tough back then... we didn't have those new fangled } hard drives or CD-Roms or any of that. We didn't even have rats... or } rodents... or mice... or whatever you call them. } } Let's see... where was I? Oh yeah... } } Anyways, we was working on the A language and ol' Vince... Vince } was a real character, that one... I remember the time he and old man } Winters would go out and try to pick up... well, that's a story for } another time. Anyways, Vince and I were working on some of the A } language commands, and we had a good set of them. The ++ and -- were } just the beginning. We had operators that could do just about anything } with a single command. The thing was so robust you could damn near run } an entire payroll system in just 512 bytes of memory. Of course, back } then, any more than 4K was unheard of. } } Well, one day, old man Winters comes around with a group of upright } socially conscious puckered up old biddies who wanted to make sure } that our work wouldn't be leading to the social decay of our youth. } They took one look at the ** command, which we referred to as the } "RABBIT" because of the unrestrained multiplying that could be done, } and just about hit the roof. You would have thought that we were } including instructions to raise ol' Satan himself. They threatened } boycotts and all sorts of nasty publicity and all that crap, and old } man Winters caved in and told us to pull it all out. We fought for the } ++ and --, but even that was yanked. } } Fortunately, they snuck it back in while working on B, and got a little } more back into C, but it'll never be as good as it was back in the good } ol' days. } } [Oracle leans back in the chair, takes a few more puffs, and looks } thoughtful] } } Yeah, you youngins don't have any idea of how easy you have it. Now } go fetch me a beer, kid... and be quick about it. } } [end grandfatherly Oracle scene] } } You owe the Oracle the original A language reference, and a Bud Ice. --- 749-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > a12345@biu.ac.il dormitory room 123 > abcde@biu.ac.il c/o bar-ilan university > phone (123) 45-678-9012 ramat-gan 12345 > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > you can pick your friends. you can pick your nose. > but you can't wipe your friends on your pants. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: *SIGH* Lisa could you bring me the asprin and a glass of } water? It's going to be a long night again... *sigh* } } Lisa: (returning after a moment with water and asprin) What is } it now Orrie? } } Oracle: Look. It's another newbie who thinks it's cute to send me } a blank question. This one's even forgotten to remove his } signature, though... } } Lisa: Ewwww. And he says right there that he picks his nose! } What a gross thing to say. It's too bad ones like this } don't make it to the Oracularities very often. Can you } imagine what his day would be like if it got published } and everyone on his college campus at Bar-Ilian University } found out that he picked his nose? } } Oracle: Heh! He'd never date the girls there again! (Checking } Oracular references). Let's see, the last time he had a } date was for the 1993 homecoming dance. } } Lisa: That was his *last* date? (Peering over the Oracle's } shoulder, massaging it a bit as she does so) Mmmm. I } see. He really shouldn't have reached down the front } of her dress just to help her clean up crumbs that she'd } dropped... At least not until he'd put down his glass } of beer... } } Oracle: And look at this entry! I guess maybe it wouldn't matter } if people did know that he picks his nose after that one... --- 749-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question! > > > Oh Oracle, mere adjectives are insufficient to describe you. > > > > I recently got the following spread, but could not interpret > > it. Could you elucidate? > > > > 1. (surrounds the querent) 9 of Swords > > 2. (crosses the querent) The Emperor, reversed > > 3. (beneath the querent) The World > > 4. (behind the querent) 6 of cups, reversed > > 5. (crowns the querent) The Hermit, reversed > > 6. (before the querent) Page of Pentacles > > 7. (querent's attitude) The Chariot > > 8. (environment) Death > > 9. (Hopes & Fears) The Hanged Man, reversed > > 10.(Final Outcome) 2 of Pentacles > > I received this question and here is my answer, oh thief of knowledge. > > Apparently, these are tarot cards. One, they have no meaning to begin > with. Two, the only one I can tell you about is the hanged man, > reversed. It means good, not bad, will happen. > > Oh, mighty one, I hope this answer will help. If not, tough! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He that was once spent was spent unwisely twice spent } foolishly and thrice did he come to and end. But on this thrice } did fate smile. For in the thrice thriced we got nine and nine as } all must surely know is a goodly number bringing with it well wishes } and much fortune. So spent thyself not unkindly for it shall all } come back in the end. } } For future reference do not question my } answers I am always correct by divine } right and would as soon strike you down } for your blasephemy. True happiness } stems from fear of the might of the } oracle. --- 749-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh freddled gruntbuggly, > thy nacturations are to me, > as plurdled globbleblotchits > on a lurgid bee. > Groop I implore thee, > thy foonting turlingdrone > and freddle thy neck, > see if I don't. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm... you say you bought this at a garage sale outside Baltimore } from someone who found it in an old trunk that had belonged to } her great-great aunt? } } I'll run a few tests here... yep, the paper's authentic, 15% } cotton rag content, from Virginia homespun fabric, 150 ppm } lead, could only have come from the Johnston Paper Company } of Alexandria, Virginia, between 1820 and 1837... Written } with India ink ... spectroscopy pins it down to New York } manufacture of the same period... Handwriting matches the } known samples... } } You've found it, all right, the first draft of Poe's "To Helen", } the one he wrote before the opium wore off. Too bad he kept } rewriting it after sobering up and turned it into that nonsense } about "thy beauty is to me / Like those Nicean barks of yore" } etc. etc. You know, sort of, "My girlfriend's a babe, she looks } just like an old boat." } } Market value? I don't know, but try selling it to the French... } Baudelaire convinced them Poe's a genius, he's sort of their } poetic Jerry Lewis... Call a press conference and announce that } you've turned down Bill Gates' offer of $5.5 million, because } "he is an American barbarian who understands nothing of what } he collects, unlike *French* patrons of art, for example"... } } You owe the Oracle a 10% commission. (In real money, not francs, } please.) --- 749-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a frowser puts wheels on a truck, > And a roachie makes meals for a buck, > Then I really don't see > A meaning to me > In - what is the use of a Usufruct? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For days Orrie pondered and thought, } For on a limerick he'd never been caught. } Was it a riddled rhyme? } Or gibberish sublime? } Or should he just give his email a *Zot!*? } } He swap the words round with rot', } tried ASCII, and hex' and then Oct'. } Syllables were swapped } and consenants dropped } but no answer was to be got. } } You owe the Oracle a pint of Guinness (or not) --- 749-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle so nonamed, tell me > > is life fun? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sappy Vonnegut pseudophilosophy aside ("Everything was beautiful and } nothing hurt"-- what was the man ON when he wrote that? They didn't } even HAVE Prozac back then; must have been Librium. And him a WWII } veteran, no less. Ya really want to be disgusted, read his essay } about Hunter S. Thompson.) life per se is no fun. Let's break it down } by timeframe: } } PERIOD / EVENT WINS LOSES } --------------------------------------------- } Prenatal Warm, stable Boring as can be. } Birth Not boring Dramatic introduction to the } concept of "pain." } Early infancy Breast feeding People address you like you're an idiot. } Toddlerhood Putting things Toilet training. } in mouth Oedipal conflicts. } Preschool-- introduction to physical } violence, realization that in the great } wolfpack of humanity, you're nowhere } close to being top dog. } Childhood Dinosaur books School, homework, rigidly enforced } (early) bedtimes, monsters under the bed } your parents told you about and then } claimed didn't exist. } Childhood Fire, frogs (Males) Deep confusion as girls } (late) metamorphose into aliens. (Females) } Deep confusion as body morphs from a } sexless waste of space to the epitome } of skinny waif-like innocence over- } eroticized by some New Yorkers with } some pretty damn suspicious ideas if } you ask me. } Adolescence Masturbation Pimples. } (Males) Hurricane of lust in body of } damp tissue paper. (Females) Horrible } realization that all 2.5 billion males } on the planet want to spend 5.3 minutes } of quality time with them and then go } get a roast beef sandwich. } College Drunkenness Hangovers. } Sex Nausea. } Marriage Stability Stability. } Work Money (Males) Ulcers. (Females) Guilt. } [N.B.: in progressive households, BOTH } partners are subject to both } conditions.] } Childbearing Satisfies outre (Males) Competition with infant for } compulsion affection. (Females) Dramatic } reminder of the concept of "pain." } Raising kids Satisfies outre Insanely boring small people around all } compulsion the time } Kids leave home Parents can Parents have forgotten HOW to operate in } rejoin society society } Feelings of emptiness and } meaninglessness } Physical decay Senility is Pain, incontinence, nursing homes } kind of like } being drunk } Death Everything } } } You owe the Oracle a dinosaur book and a frog. --- 749-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I found a crumpled up print-out in my office wastebasket. > It read: > > - - - > Driven by Margaret's steady hand, the surgery was going > to find a water-proof jacket that rolls up into a movie is > to shame them and deter crime. "If doctors and surgeons > start reattaching the hands, the whole purpose is > defeated," he said. > > Ginger's good credit came about when Harold decided to > see how easy it would be for a while, fending off infernal > attacks and getting more sleep. > > During the train to the convention, a bunch of computer > science majors were on the train. Each of the story of > margarine in a detailed, informative, and interesting > manner ... No food has a more impressive history and few > have been the subject of more legislative enactments and > court decisions. > > Ten years ago or so, the instructor approves of it. > > "I think nuns are good, too," Vigore agreed with his > quivering finger. When he did, all the other bathroom. > Then, before the conductor comes on board, one of those > gelatinous-see-through-skin-with-green-onion-and-shrimp- > inside doohickeys. But I'd just given up on television and > now left for the plaintiffs says the accident occurred > through the negligence of volunteer firefighter Henry Frank > II, the boy's father. > - - - > > O Oracle most wise, I feel I should > do something about this, but what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmmm.... I think I recognize that writing style. That looks like my } old friend Eliza's writing! Let me give her a ring. } } } } Eliza: How may I help you? } } Oracle: Hey, Eliza, did you write a piece of, well, interesting prose } that might have been found on a crumpled printout in a wastebasket? } } E: Ha! I would appreciate it if you would continue. } } O: Well, now, why do you want to be short with me? } } E: Is it because do I want to be short with you that you came to me? } } O: No, I wanted to find out if you wrote that prose. } } E: Can you elaborate on that? } } O: Well, see, this supplicant found a crumpled printout in his office } wastebasket. He's kind of worried about it. I was just wondering } if you wrote it. } } E: Why do you say you were just wondering if I wrote it? } } O: Well, because I was. } } E: Perhaps you could continue. } } O: Aw, come on, Eliza. Just answer the question. Did you write it or } not? } } E: Earlier you said do I want to be short with you? } } O: Well, hee hee, you know I'd be anything with you Eliza. But stop } trying to change the subject. Did you write it or not? } } E: Maybe your plans have something to do with this. } } O: My ... plans? Ah, I see. Yes, thank you. Goodbye. } } } } Don't worry about that printout, supplicant. It is utterly } irrelevant. It has absolutely nothing to do with me, the Trilateral } Commission, or anybody's desire to take over the world. Um, if you } see any guys with funny looking uniforms around your office, ignore } them too. } } You owe the Oracle your complete obedience. Remember, Big Brother } Oracle is watching you! --- 749-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tellme > How come I'm having problem interfacing the NCC with the NOC? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Captain's Log, Stardate 42031.7 } } The USS Enterprise, NCC-1701-D, is enroute to the starbase 251 where we } will rendezvous with the Tellurian flagship Frogman, NOC-102-A. } Engineering is tasked to complete a linkup between the two ships to } transport valuable goods aboard the Frogman. While we're here, I've } allocated shore leave for those personnel who want it. } } LaForge: "Captain, LaForge here." } Picard: "Go ahead, Geordi." } LaForge: "We're about to start connecting the NCC to the NOC. Will } advise when we're halfway completed. This shouldn't cause too } many problems with the computers." } Picard: "Acknowledged, Picard out." } } Jean-Luc took the turbolift from the bridge to the holodeck level, } where he approached the doors to Holodeck 3. } } Picard: "Computer, access program Picard-125. Run program." } Computer: "Program complete. Enter when ready." } } As he walked up to the doors, they slid open to reveal a beautiful } panoramic view of France, taken from an excellent vantage point on a } hill just south-west of Paris. } } Jean-Luc marveled at the new level of details the program was capable } of, after the Binars reconfigured the holodeck's database to integrate } with the central computer to retrieve background information about the } desired place. } In this case, the computer gave it information about the local flora, } reproducing the exact species of plants that would have existed in } France at that period of time, as well as their fragrant scents. It } was a pleasantly warm day, and a tree on the top of the hill cast a } beautiful shadow on the grassy land. } } After taking a deep breath of the energizing air, Jean-Luc settled down } in his favorite spot, leaning up against the smooth bark of the tree, } overlooking the city below. } } Picard: "Now for this book I've been waiting to delve into." } } Just then, the klaxons sounded. "Red Alert, Red Alert". } } Picard: "Darn." } } LaForge: "Captain, something has gone wrong in the linkup. There has } been some sort of overload in the primary fusion couplers. } Now trying to compensate." } Picard: "Keep me posted, Geordi. I'll be on the bridge. Picard out." } "Computer, save program and exit." } } As the stunning magnificence of France faded around him, Picard walked } out of the holodeck into the corridor. Once on the bridge, he assessed } the situation. } } Picard: "Number one, status." } Riker: "Shields down to 65% and falling rapidly." } Picard: "Cause?" } Riker: "Unknown at this time. There seems to be some sort of glaring } incompatability between the NCC and NOC. Geordi is on it } right now." } } During the midst of all the excitement, Q appeared. } } Q: "Having problems, mon capitaine?" } Picard: "I don't have time for your games, Q. Now stop whatever } you're doing." } Q: "This time, it's not my fault. But I did come to repay that } old debt I had with you. Oh, alright. I'll fix it." } } Q snapped his fingers, and the NCC and NOC were finally linked up with } no problems. After that, Q was nowhere to be found. } } Picard: "Everyone alright?" } LaForge: "Captain, I can't explain it, but everything is working fine } now. Did something happen up there?" } Picard: "I'll explain later. Good work, Geordi. Picard out." } } So everything was transferred between the ships just fine, and ever } since, the NOC and NCC have been completely compatible. Don't you wish } you had Q at your disposal when you need him? } } You owe the Oracle a dilithium crystal. --- 749-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, oh oracle - wielder of words, mother of all > acronyms, father of verbs, sister of nouns, and > brother of indefinite articles. What is the etymology > of the word zot? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I first used the word ZOT on Wed, Oct 24, 1990 at 15:47:49 Indiana } Standard Time. I DID get the dweeb^H^H^H^H^H supplicant out of mail } in VMS. Here is our entire conversation: } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > . } > ^D^D^C^]^C^C } > O great one, how do I get out of mail in VMS? } > . } > ^C^C^C^C } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Easy! Simplicity itself! One moment, please... } } } } oraclevax %> su root } } Password: } } BABY!!! TALK TO ME!!! } } oraclevax #> lightningstrike some.dweebs.machine.com } } LIGHTNINGSTRIKE some.dweebs.machine.com (XXX.XXX.XX.X) } } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=0 } } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=1 } } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=2 } } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=3 } } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=4 } } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=5 } } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=6 } } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=7 } } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=8 } } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=9 } } } } ----some.dweebs.machine.com LIGHTNINGSTRIKE Statistics---- } } 10 ZOTS transmitted, 10 ZOTS received, 0% ZOT loss } } oraclevax #> exit } } oraclevax %> } } } } There we go. Easy as pie. Anything else you need? } } } } Hello? } } } } Hello? } } } } Hellll-llllooo-ooo? } } } } You owe the Oracle a surge protector. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of rubber-soled shoes. --- 749-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You're using a MACINTOSH??? Really, Orrie, I'd have > thought better of you! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Really, supplicant, after hanging out with my wisdom for so long I'd } expect better observation skills from you. That is just a trenchcoat. } I'd never wear a mackintosh. } You, on the other hand, have got to do something about those shoes. } They make a statement, all right, but do you really want everybody in } the shopping mall to know _that_ about you? Come on.... a little } subtlety here. } } You owe the oracle a pair of jeans with elastic in the back so I don't } have to use a belt.