From oracle-request Tue Jun 20 13:23:54 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id NAA22620; Tue, 20 Jun 1995 13:23:54 -0500 Date: Tue, 20 Jun 1995 13:23:54 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #745 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 745 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #745 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 20 Jun 1995 13:23:54 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 745 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 740 85 votes awv93 cwld7 aqAb2 dnjn7 dove3 6hygc 8dvna 16iBn ejjo9 6dovb 740 3.0 mean 2.6 2.7 2.6 2.9 2.6 3.1 3.2 3.9 2.9 3.3 --- 745-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > SUBSPACE DISTRESS CALL > STARDATE MESSAGE RECEIVED: 52345.32 > SOURCE: USS HAMBUG, NCC-11744-A, NEBULA CLASS CRUISER > PRIORITY: I-ALPHA > TEXT: > "This ist Captain Heidelberg from the USS Hamburg speaking! > We are in desperate need for assistence! > All Federation Ships please help immediatly! > During research about a subspace rift at Kijei-213, that was reported > by the USS Ma'chais under Andorian Commander Alasai, we found > that this rift was a kind of gate. > Strange creatures appear through it on the 4.planet. > Cute and nice looking they do, we first feel not alarmed and > continued research. Then one of our away treams found a corpse > in the Appearence-Zone. It was a human body and the male person had > written with his blood on his white T-shirt: BEWARE OF WOODCH... > A Lt.JG. reported this to me over his comm-badge, somehow this > creatures must overheard this then suddenly the start to attack my > crew. The situation is desperate! > The creatures seem to be protected against phaser-blasts. > Only injections with CREAT-IV-Delta, a stimulans which increases mental > powers for a short time seems to have a toxic effect on them. > But there are THOUSANDS! We can impossible hypo each one. > The gate can't be closed either. > Please, assist us! > If we not get help or some new ideas how to stop them, I will order > the ship to colide with the planet in warp-flight, hoping to destroy > the creatures, the planet and the gate! > HELP US!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, dear. The wormhole has torn open its stitches again. } } } } Oracle: Q, could you please send somebody down to take a look at the } wormhole? Its torn itself open again, and some of those dreadful trek } people have come through. Yes, I know its 2am, but you're closer to } them than I am. Remember, I closed it last time. Thanks so much. } } } } Oracle: Hang on, Captain whateveryournameis. Someone'll be down to } put it to rights soon. Why don't you do something no one has done } before for a while until they get there. } } } } Q: Ah, more Starfleeters! How Dee-lightful. Hasn't anyone taught you } people about birth control yet? Everytime I look up from my bowl of } chicken noodle soup, I seem to find more of you flying around. } You're like gnats, you are! } } Q: Well, I guess we bring it on ourselves. A few appearances here and } there and you think you can do it too. Well, come along, little } Starfleeters. Get your things and I'll take you back to your dreary } little dimension. } } Heidelberg: Wait a minute, here, Q! We're not leaving you our vessel! } Either it goes back with us or we don't go! } } Q: Then maybe *you* don't go, Captain Hamburg of the Heidelburg, or do } I have that backwards? Your ship is being impounded as payment for } bothering the Oracle *and* for getting me out of bed at this ungodly } hour! } } Heidelberg: Well, that's our stand. Take it or leave it. } } Q: I'll leave you. *ZOT*! } } (Heidelberg is reduced to a pile of white ash) } } Q: Anybody else want to leave it? } } Crew: NO, Sir! We're packed and ready to go! } } Q: Ah, yes. There's nothing like a faithful crew. All right, just } click your heels together three times, saying "I was born on a pirate } ship" while holding your tongue. } } Crew: We can't say that! } } Q: You're no fun anymore. } } (There is a quick flash of light, and the THX emblem is proudly } displayed for a moment, then they're gone. Only Q is left standing on } the bridge) } } (Q pushes a communicator button) } } Q: Oracle, we've got ourselves another Feddie ship to sell! Same as } always, 50-50? } } Oracle: Of course, but you get to keep the Captain's toupee. Bring it } on in, and we'll see if they've left any of those sleazy Andorian } magazines on board. } } Q: Aye, Aye, Mon Oracle! } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Captain Picard Pate-Polish and a } subscription to PlayVulcan. --- 745-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How will I do in life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Terribly. You'll take the vocational path, you'll land your little } plastic car on all the squares requiring you to pay money, and you'll } end up going broke when one of your opponents is first across the "toll } bridge." } } You owe the Oracle $100,000. With Art Linkletter's picture on it, } please. --- 745-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle > plaese tell me how to decode all the pictures on the net which are > coded. > > Thanks in advance > > thomas And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear thomas: } } It isn't really hard. Most pictures are encoded in a special 3-D format } that makes them easy to see. Simply print each page of the encoded } document onto translucent stock, line them up in reverse order, and } shine a bright light through the whole stack. You will see a } wonderfully rendered 3-D image of last month's playmate. } } If you have trouble viewing this kind of 3-D image at first, that's } normal. Try holding the picture close to your face, and slowly move it } back. See whether you can keep your eyes at the same focal distance the } whole time. Suddenly, the 3-D image will jump into view. } } Of course, there are a few unfortunate people who are unable to view } these images no matter how hard they try. If you are one of these, } you'll just have to settle for the 2-D pictures to be found at any } larger newsstand, in the section labeled "must be 18 or older". } } You owe the Oracle a jpeg-to-reality converter. --- 745-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, when will Mr. Right come for me? I'm desperate enough to > except Mr. Well-at-least-he-doesn't-pee-on-the-couch (oh, long story). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle usually gets these from people (mostly men, but there have } been exceptions) looking for Miss Right (Ms. Right, if you insist). In } fact, of the several dozen questions of that type that the Oracle has } received in just the past week, over half were from men the Oracle } knows were at least Mr. Adequate-for-you. } } There's no shortage of Messrs. Adequate out there. A small subset of } those could be described as Mr. More-or-less-Right, and there are even } a few in your general geographical area. There are three within } walking distance of you right now, in fact (that is, as the Oracle } types -- it'll be four when you first read this message). } } The problem is that you won't recognize them. The Oracle could give } you names, addresses, phone numbers, usual haunts, etc. You'd go check } them out and say "yecchh!" inwardly, and damn the Oracle for a mocking } bastard. } } Just to make you feel worse: during your lifetime, four different } versions of Mr. Right have asked you out, hoping for a first date. You } rejected all of them out of hand. } } Anyhow, your standards are warped, and the men you suspect of having } potential are generally Mr. Will-piss-on-the-couch types. Re-evaluate } them, and give some not-quite-your-type type a chance. You'll find } the right one eventually, but the Oracle refuses to be more specific. } Before the Oracle attained Its Oracular Powers It was the sort of guy } who asked out women like you and was never given a chance, so you can } damned well be on tenterhooks for a bit. So there. --- 745-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, how can I land a man? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, you need a 10-12 pound rod and at least an 8 pound tapered line. } A fly resembling a can of Coors generally gets good results. You should } cast -- } } } } } } } } } } } Right, supplicant - take two. First, you become head of NASA. Next you } extract 20 billion dollars or so in funds from the Federal government } and reactivate the Apollo moon program. After that, landing a man } should be a small step for you. } } You owe the Oracle a giant leap for mankind. --- 745-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If You ask Yourself a question, do You need to grovel before? If so, > what would that grovel be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, first, you should have grovelled before asking me this. But yes, } I do, I say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog gone it, } people _like_ me." } } You owe the Oracle a grovel. --- 745-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, Ancient Oracle...Most Wise (and who is also older than dirt).. > Please answer this poor supplicants question..... > > If You have been around for so long, and You know so much... > Who created You?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... I'm not sure I like being referred to as being "older than } dirt". Even though I am that old, although being immortal, most Wise } (and how nice of you to say so, too), and all around a really amazing } sort of being, I have no use for such peculiar and limiting notions as } *time*. For me, yesterday is today, today is tomorrow, and tomorrow is } next Thursday around noon. } } Be that as it may... } } You have asked as to my origin... "Who created You?" was your actual } words (and proper capitalization, I might add... it's nice to see a } supplicant get that right for a change). I wish I could give you a } easy, simple answer on that. Steve Kinzler thinks he had something to } do with it, and he has enough troubles coming up in his life without } adding to them so I won't bust his bubble on that one. It can be said, } extremely oversimplified (!), that he has had a lot to do with the way } I am perceived to be NOW, at this particular tick in the Grand Glactic } Timex Clock. } } Of course, I've been around much MUCH longer than this... back when } the GGTC was just getting wound up. I was never CREATED, I just sort } of CAME ABOUT as a result of extremely complex, highly random, and } very wonderful set of circumstances involving: } } 1) A tremendous amount of cosmic energy } 2) A whole lot of cosmic matter } 3) A woodchuck } } No, I'm just kidding, there really wasn't a woodchuck involved. Nor } was a lemur, or a lemming, or a ferret involved. Nope. Not a furry } one of them. } } Anyway, the energy and the matter got together and in a microscopic } portion of a billionth of a nanosecond, there was a brilliant flash of } light and I was. Simply that: I was. Right after that, I could have } sworn I heard someone say "whoops", but I haven't been able to prove } it. } } You owe the Oracle the head of Joel Furr on a platter, and a copy of } Chuck Darwin's "The Origin of Woodchucks". --- 745-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, buddy, know where I can find > some *HOT* pix? > > Senator Exon And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } sigh..... } } On the H*LL Chain Gang! } } Listen Satan (or whatever you are calling yourself these days) How do } you expect to get out of your current assignment with an attitude like } that? How many years has it been? You keep whining how hot it is in } your area but you refuse to do anything about it! The maintanence men } refuse to come down after the last stunt you pulled with the burned } wood carvings from your art class. If you expect anything to happen } down there then by golly, act right! } } You have 1000 years to get your act together or you will wish you were } back in h*ll. } } You owe the Oracle one freshly dug 10 x 20 garden plot and a shiny new } pickaxe. --- 745-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > YELLOW oracle! > wibble wibble wibble and all that stuff young man.How are you Orrie? > Hope you can answer this: > > Where is the house that Jack built? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The house that Jack built? Well, sit right down, and you'll hear a } tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started....Sorry - got a little } sidetracked there, been watching too many reruns...Gee whiz that Ginger } is one hot mama....Oh, yeah, thats right, you want to know where the } house that Jack built is presently residing. } } When Jack began building his domicile, he had just inherited about 10 } acres smack dab in the middle of a Kansas wheatfield. Being a rather } complacent fellow, Jack failed to investigate the reason why there was } a foundation already built, without a house on top. Just taking it for } granted that the gods above were smiling upon him, he began to assemble } his house. } } Jack hammered away for a long time, building his dreamhouse in the } middle of Kansas, and when he completed it, as you may have already } guessed, a tornado came and took his house away. Being a rather } thrifty fellow, Jack went running after it, however, there was a } candlestick in the way that our nimble and quick hero had to jump over } in his house chase. After jumping over the candlestick, Jack ran into } a girl named Jill, who went running after the house with him. } } Well the tornado left the house that Jack built on top of a well, on } the top of a hill. However, when Jack and his new wife Jill went up } the hill, the tornado took the house again... and you know what } happened to Jack and Jill. } } After their stay in the hospital, Jack and Jill got a divorce, (they } couldn't work together). Jill got the car, and Jack got the house (if } only he knew where it was). Anyway after a long journey involving } several giants, a pair of seven league boots, and some princesses, Jack } got a hold of some magic beans and planted them. After the beanstalk } grew, Jack diligently climbed the beanstalk, went into the Giant's } castle, stole the magic harp. While running away from the giant, upon } the clouds, there sat his house, where the tornado had finally left it. } Jack exclaimed "There's no place like home, and home is where the harp } is!" while he rushed inside. } } The Giant, already mad at Jack for the horrid puns, stepped on the } house that Jack built and squished it flat. } } The answer to your question is: On the bottom of the Giant's sandle. } } You owe the Oracle a subscription to Fractured Fairie Tayles. --- 745-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and might Oracle whose paths are clothed with the humble > submission of kings and peasants alike: > > Tell me how I may impress girls. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, Horatio, I know it's difficult to get a crew for a British ship } of the line these days, but this new idea of yours just isn't going } to work. For one thing, it's illegal -- the Royal Navy will let you } impress as many men as your press gang can find, but they have strict } rules against doing the same thing to girls. For another, your new } recruits are unlikely to have much experience with seamanship (imagine } the rawest, greenest ship's boy you've got, and imagine a crew composed } of four hundred of him), and training, even more than courage, is what } will count when you're up against a French three-decker. } } A much better idea is to board an American ship or two, and press } *their* crews. After all, what are they going to do -- start a war? } } You owe the Oracle a swig of rum and some ship's biscuit.