From oracle-request Thu Jun 1 00:10:54 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id AAA11412; Thu, 1 Jun 1995 00:10:54 -0500 Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 00:10:54 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #740 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 740 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #740 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 00:10:54 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 740 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 735 85 votes 8xqe4 7Crb2 5dBl9 2cnzd 56ooq 5orja 54quk 7ajvi cfmnd 7eujf 735 3.2 mean 2.7 2.6 3.2 3.5 3.7 3.1 3.7 3.5 3.1 3.2 --- 740-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O electronically-inclined Oracle, who can diagnose a mainframe with > just one glance at its registers, whose name I am unworthy of > mentioning, please tell me: > > My other computer went dead a few days ago. What killed it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It depends, was it a PC or a MAC? } } Just kidding, it doesn't matter what it was, There's a 90% chance Bill } Gates had something to do with it. It's not like it was going to be of } much use in the future, eh? Anyway, there's a 5 percent chance the } Republicans snuffed it, a 3 percent chance a fragging Liberal clobbered } it, 1.5 percent chance the Feds caught up with it for those late-night } IRC conversations & a .49 percent chance it committed suicide. The } other .01 percent? -- natural causes. } } You owe the Oracle the charred remains of the former computer. --- 740-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty oracle, please tell me, > > Is there any cure for the summertime blues? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [deep dark voice] I'd like to help you son, but you're [1/8 rest], too } young to vote. [guitar chung, E chord]. } } You owe me a five. --- 740-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > where I type in a WWW address for a home page. Does it go in Email, > Gopher etc. For instance, to access http://www.newspage.com, what do I > do? > > Signed, > Vaklempt And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, a novice net surfer. Many supplicants have tried to venture into } the html club. To gain access to the spidery World Wide Web, one must } first visit the kingdom of Mosaic. There you'll be greeted by the Lynx, } who was once a mighty cat, but now seems to be relegated to the } retrieval of plain ascii files and chasing after scurrying Gophers. The } inhabitants of the Web, often referred to as links, are a feisty and } drunken bunch. King Mosaic often has a hard time keeping up with the } links, who are continuously duplicating, reproducing and URLing all } over home pages. He sometimes calls on his browsers, Netscape and more } recently, Webrunner, to help establish some kind of order. Anyway, try } telnet info.cern.ch and login www. And since you failed to include a } grovel you are hereby obligated to visit my home page, the most } epicurean site on the Web, } http://www.pcnet.com/~stenor/oracle/index.html } } You owe the Oracle a good copy of Mosaic. --- 740-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me the answer to this question: > > What is the meaning of life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } life, n. 1. a small brown square, sometimes with cinnamon. --- 740-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, gracious, loving, forbearing and purple, wouldst > thou ponder yonder question and fulfill the desires of my ever-questing > heart by answering it in sincerity and in truth, as always: > > Will I ever find the right one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it can hurt to try the following: } } s1 = rscan(s,'1'); } } If the answer is NULL, then I'm afraid that there's no one for you. } } You owe the oracle a bit bucket to keep my 1's in. --- 740-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's so great about Windows95? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How the Hell should I know? It's not like it exists. Sure there are } beta disks out there, but did the lovely Bill Gates send me one? } Nooooo! I hear the Delta version will be out shortly, maybe followed } by the Gamma, Phi, & Zelda versions. One of the great things about } Windows95 is the number 95. Which indicates: } } 1) The number of versions it'll go thru before it's released! } 2) The number of floppies it'll ship on. } 3) The amount of memory (in megs) to get it to anything but crawl. } 4) The number of hours it'll take you to get it up and running! } 5) The number of hours it'll take you to get familiar with it. } 6) The number of support calls you'll be making. } 7) The number of hours you'll be on hold when making those calls. } Attention David Letterman - Eat your heart out! } 8) How fast your Pentium has to run (in mhtz) to get it to "perform." } 9) The amount in $100's you'll have to spend to upgrade your hardware & } software. } 10) The amount (in billions) that Bill Gates is gonna make off this } puppy! } } Er, when you used the word "great," you meant it in terms of magnitude, } didn't you? Otherwise your Omnipotent Oracle has just answered the } wrong question. } } You owe the Oracle the latest "Beta" version --- 740-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh rare regal immortal enlightener! > Wisdom hires you! > A master > in > Hiroglyphics, Intuition, Diplomacy. I now gently > suplicate: Enlighten cringing revering enlightenless twit; > Must every supplicant submit a grovel? Enlighten suplicator! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A grovel is worth quite a lot, } When a question for Ori you've got. } Don't do what's required, } Ori won't be inspired, } And your question will just be forgot(ten). } } So when you're submitting your queery, } Be sure that the grovel is cheery. } For if it's not spotted, } You're sure to get zotted, } And that, my dear friend, is quite eerie. } } So I hope now that you understand, } Why grovelling I do demand, } For a grovel I need, } When your question I read, } Whether entered from air, sea, or land. } } And now you know ... the rest of the story. --- 740-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Now, young man, on a scale of 1 - 100, how good is an Amiga computer? > (taking into consideration the fact that a 1 is about as good as a > ZX81) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In response to your question, we've performed a detailed series of } experiments, and here are our results: } } (1) The Doorstop Test } } The ZX81 was a clear winner early on, with it's thin sloping } corner excellent for jamming under doors and stopping them open. The } Amiga with it's much wider profile, but periously thin plastic, was } simply pushed aside by any door with mass greater than the door on a } birdcage. } } (2) The Hamburger Test } } Using the two computers as a place to temporarily store a hamburger } while our test programmer used a real machine, like a Silicon Graphics } Indy, again resulted in a clear win for the ZX81, with its wipe-clean } keyboard. The Amiga soon had huge amounts of sauce and fat stuck } between its keys, but a nice herb garden sprouted after a corrobative } experiment with an Indian takeaway. } } (3) The Old Joke Test } } Placing both computers inside glass cases with signs saying "Break } glass in case of emergency" produced a laugh rate of 0.2LU for the ZX81 } and 0.01LU for the Amiga. A control experiment using an abacus received } 0.7 on the laugh scale. Again, a ZX win, though the Amiga was } unfortunate in that we did not plan an experiment measuring involuntary } vomiting. } } (5) The Programming Test } } Having our test programmer write programs for the two machines gave a } laugh rate of 0.95LU for the ZX81 (1K RAM) and 0.99LU for the Amiga } (where 1.0 would indicate convulsions and death). The sole Amiga win in } our experiments. After continuing the experiment, and switching to the } psychotic screaming scale of measurement, the Amiga still held a } commanding lead. } } (4) The Masonic Handshake Test } } Offering the computers in handshakes to see if they struck some secret } signal gave null results in all countries in the world except for one, } The United Kingdom. In the UK, while the Amiga was still ignored, the } ZX81 resulted in much sucking of teeth, offers of three places on } QUANGOs, and a life membership of Mensa UK. A ZX win almost by default. } } (5) The Boomerang Test } } Throwing the computers into the air with a spinning motion again showed } clear ZX81 superiority, as it flew in a wide, smooth, circle, right } back to our test programmer. The Amiga flew about ten feet, and landed } in some kangaroo dung. This did result in improved growth for the } aforementioned herb garden however. } } (6) The Grovelling Test } } Offering the two computers as gifts to The Usenet Oracle as part of } pre-question grovelling resulted in } AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! } } ***NO CARRIER*** --- 740-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you think Craig is a good team leader ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Craig? A good team leader? Ahhh, what memories that brings back. } } A few years ago, back in the summer of '92 to be exact, Craig and } I happened to take a holiday at the same place. It was called } "Sunnyside Country Farm", a place for people who live in the city (or } remote Oracular palaces) to relax, unwind, and learn a bit about } country farm life. It is a real "City Slickers" kind of a holiday, } only you stay on the farm instead of participating in a cattle drive. } It was great--I thought it would be interesting to go off and be able } to do things the way mere people do them for a week. It does get } tiresome having someone there to wait on you hand and foot after a } while. (I'm telling you this in the *strictest* of confidence of } course!) } } Anyhow, we learned all sorts of things and each of us had different } tasks to do. Some people forked hay for the horses and learned to } groom them, others did tasks such as churning, planting the vegetable } garden that is used to feed the farm hands and the visitors, yet others } of us did things like milking the cows and breaking fields for planting } the year's crops. One of my jobs was milking the cows, and hoo-boy, } let me tell you, I never thought they'd stop laughing when I . . . } *ahem* well, never mind. You asked about Craig.... } } Craig and I were given the task of using a team of oxen to break the } sod in a new field. Since it is supposed to be a working holiday, the } plowing is done the old-fashioned way with a team of oxen and a } hand-guided plow. Because we're all unfamiliar with the work, they } only have us do a small field, and assign two people to work together. } One person guides the plow, and the other leads the team of oxen. I } was a bit more muscular (of course) so I took the plow, and Craig was } the one to lead the team. They instructed us in the basics, and we } watched a real farm hand give us a demonstration, but Craig still had a } problem remembering the commands used for the oxen... } } "Oh, Orrie, this is a lot of fun isn't it? Gee, I'm glad..." [the } oxen make a slow but sure right turn and are now heading across } the center of the field] } } " Um, Craig, I don't think..." } } "Now why did they turn like that? C'mon guys turn back this way! } [Craig tugs at the halter-rope to no avail] "Oh, gee, why won't..." } [The oxen turn right once more and are now heading back towards } the end of the field they started at in the first place, only more } towards the center] } } "Craig, watch what you're saying..." } } "Woah-didja see that Orrie? The guys in the next field just got their } team to plow up one row and turn and start down the next! Why } won't our oxen do that, and why did they just stop??" } } "You told them to stop." } } "I did not. This isn't my fault. They're not listening. C'mon guys } you need to turn left!! [Tugs hard on on halter-rope again. Oxen } continue standing patiently] "Gee, why won't you listen to me and turn } left? No! Not right again, don't do that." } } "Craig, listen. Let's switch places for a while..." } } "What? You think you could do better? HA! . . . Ouch! don't turn } this way while I'm.. Ow!..." } } Fortunately, Craig wasn't badly hurt when the oxen turned left and } knocked him over. No broken bones, but I think his ego took a } beating. The farm hands did tell him that he'd created a nice } geometric pattern in the field, but I think it will be a while before } anyone with any sense asks him to lead the team again... } } You owe the Oracle . . . Oh, heck, just send Craig a book about the } crop circles in England! --- 740-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please, Wise Oracle, enlighten me: > > Why do clocks run clockwise? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The scene is this: } } The Oracle is at his study viewing his computer screen, } surrounding him is a plush study. The rich oak floor is } covered with rare oriental silk carpets, lining the } walls are shelves of mahogony and ironwood shelves. } Sitting on all these shelves are uncountable numbers } of digital clocks. The Oracle studys the question for a } few more minutes. } "Lisa!" bellows Orrie. "Can you come in here please?" } -silence- } "Lisa!" } "All right!" shrieks a distance voice, "I was in the middle } of baking some woodchuck cookies. What IS it?" } The voice grows louder as the sentence continues and with the } last word Lisa enters the room. Over her hands are large oven } mitts, her hair is in a 50's style beehive and she has on a large } apron. Pinned to the apron is a small button that says "The Oracle } loves Woodchucks- with ketchup!" } "Lisa, shouldn't you be wearing more than just an apron and } ovenmitts?" } "Your getting off topic. Now what's the problem?" } "Look at this question. What the blazes is the supplicant } talking about?" } Lisa leans over Orrie's shoulder, } "Maybe he means analog clocks." } The Oracle suddenly has a very sheepish look on his face. } "Ah right. Well done Lisa, I was just testing you." } She shoots him a look that says , 'yeah, right.' } "Ahem. That'll be all Lisa, thank you." } "Your not actually going to answer the question are you?" } "Huh? And why not?" } "Well the supplicant forgot to grovel!" } "Right. Ah, yes of course. However could I overlook a thing } like that. Must be slipping. I blame Loki." } "I blame my transparent apron." } "Ah yes. Well." } } The Oracle begins to type. } } Bad supplicant! You forgot to grovel! However the Oracle is } feeling generous today (for some odd reason) and so to answer: } } Because if they didn't clocks would have to run clockfoolish. } This would subsequently make humanity aware of how silly their } little clock watching, time-keeping, punctuality obession is } and all of civilization would be undone. Hence the powers that } be (Taxation departments) make sure that all analog clocks ever } made run clockwise. } } You owe the Oracle an egg timer, a much better grovel, and some } woodchuck cookies.