From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue May 30 17:46:32 1995 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu by whale.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id RAA23417; Tue, 30 May 1995 17:46:30 -0500 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id RAA11492; Tue, 30 May 1995 17:10:01 -0500 Date: Tue, 30 May 1995 17:10:01 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Usenet Oracularities #739 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 739 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #739 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 30 May 1995 17:10:01 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 739 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 734 108 votes buAp6 eQua2 9lCqe 7iDwc Hxka2 ahwxg 8mtvi avLf5 2dvwu 7sJp3 734 3.0 mean 2.9 2.4 3.1 3.2 2.0 3.3 3.3 2.8 3.7 2.9 --- 739-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do people lock the bathroom door even when their home alone? > I mean, what is it that people are afraid of? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Congratulations, Supplicant on asking a (relatively) original } question. I don't get many of those, so I'll overlook the lack of a } grovel. This time. } } The answer is simple: racial memory. Through the eons the } basic necessity of locking the bathroom door has finally acquired } space within the basic human genome, and lies there somewhere between } the 341st and 343rd gene of chromosome 6a. } } Consider, if you will, how many classic horror movies have } graphically depicted how terrible things can happen to you in the } bathroom. Psycho, for instance. The Shining. Attack of the Killer } Tomatoes (just kidding.) } } And what, you ask, is the true, dark evil that you, in the } dank recesses of your primitive minds are afraid of? } } Children. } } Of course, if you were a parent, you would have recognised } this and probably not bothered to ask me your question. How many } parents have suffered through "What are you doing in there, Daddy?" } and "Can I watch, Mommy," or "Good for you, Daddy! You did it on the } potty!"? } } The Embarrassment. The Horror. The Embarrassment. } } So now you know, that when you lock the door your subconscious } mind is simply striving to ensure a moment of quiet, unembarrassed } peace by locking out your (as yet unborn) offspring. } } You owe the Oracle a long talk with your girlfriend and an } invitation to the baby shower. Congratulations. --- 739-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear oracle, so noseholdhigh > > who is always putting those naughty little holes into my > contraceptive English raincoats? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mackintosh Clothiers } Wembley Terrace 25 } Sutton Albright, Cheshire } England HM64JB } } Anonymous Supplicant } c/o The Usenet Oracle } Computer Science Department } University of Indiana } Indiana 67723 } USA } } Dear Mr. or Ms. Supplicant: } } In regards to your recent query re. defective contraceptive raincoats: } } As with all raincoats, English or otherwise, the "holes," as you call } them, were cut with the express purpose of providing space to fit your } head and arms. As to the suitability of our raincoats for } contraception, Mackintosh makes no claim, either express or implied, } regarding our raincoats' ability to serve as a birth control device. } Any such use is done at your own risk, with the full knowledge that } Mackintosh Clothiers will be exempt from responsibility for any } consequences arising therefrom. } } Sincerely, } } Woodward Woodchuck } President, Mackintosh Clothiers } } P.S.: You owe the Oracle a Frenchie. --- 739-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what other things can i have in the subject field ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In order to speed processing of your oracularity, you may include one } of the following special codes in the subject field: } } Code Semantics } ------------------ } WOODC Please zot me. } RE: Zot me again. } HELP Zot me harder. } BONDA Tie me up and zot me. } BITCH Have Lisa zot me. } FWD: Zot this other guy. } LEMUR Zot Joel Furr. } GREEK Zot my butt. } } You owe the Oracle another victim for a gratuitous zot. Come to think } of it.... } } --- 739-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerful oracle, thy master made of many people please > grant me the answer to the question > > Do you know of any overseas users that would like to talk. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, since I am the only known user of OVERSEAS, or the Oracle's } Vapourisingly Efficacious and Righteous System for Eradicating Annoying } Supplicants (you know, the Z-thing), and I am not in a very talkative } mood right now. } } You owe the Oracle a decent grovel. --- 739-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and majestic Oracle, whose advice is always wise and just > and whose depth of knowledge knows no bouds, enlighten your humble > supplicant. > > My friend has written as her project: > To obey the Delphi oracle > > yet she is having difficulty getting to Delphi to consult your > Priestess there. Knowing this I am trying to help her and would like > to know: What are your orders to her Oh Wise and Witty One? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, yes, the Delphi Priestesses. There are three. They are Hewey, } Dewey, and Muhammed Ali Akrabar Jamal Angelina Franchesca Bobesca Fo } Fanna III (but she goes by Sue). I know the 3 well. Chances are that } your friend is having trouble because those 3 are always getting into } some sort of mess. Hewey is dating this schmuck from AOL, and let me } tell you, he is a schmuck. And I don't know why she stays with him } (well, I do, but that is another question, another time). I mean, he's } unemployed, he has no money, except what he makes from his Spam deals } (did you know that Spam is outlawed in Columbia), which isn't much, } since what he charges is far more than anyone is willing to pay for } wanna-be meat. She can usually be found at his house. Unfortunately, } he doesn't have a phone. } } The priestess Dewey is a charming lass. Once Bob, one of the Delphi } Priests, he underwent a sex change operation as he became attracted to } the copy boy, Matt, at work. The operation was a success, and he/she } and Matt got together and got married. Later, Matt ended up walking } out on him/her, citing the fact he had discovered he was gay. } Coincidentally, he ran off with a guy named Bob. Finding this out, } Bob/Dewey went crazy, became a mindless, drooling vegetable, and is now } doing scripts for Warner Bros. in L.A., California. } } The only other priestess is Sue. She is closer to normal than her } co-Priestesses, and her pager number is 867-5309. If you can't reach } her that way, stand on your head, say "Beetlejuice" 3 times, and cut } down the mightiest tree in the forest...with a herring. That should } get her attention, and your friend can then proceed with her as she } needs. } } You owe the Oracle a shrubbery. --- 739-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Spam And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, } Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam. } } Nobody expects the Spammish Repetition. --- 739-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Knock, knock. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And there you have it, folks! Clever Hans, the wonder horse, provides } you with the correct answer for the question "What is 15 divided by 5?" } And I'm sure you'll want to give a big hand ... } } Hang on a minute! Two? You stupid animal! It's the glue factory for } you! } } You owe the Oracle a donkey that can do fractions. --- 739-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > #include > #include > #include > > int main(void) > { > int iDancingAngelsCounted = 0; > angel aCurrentAngel; > > while (!pin.empty()) > { > aCurrentAngel = pin.remove-angel(); > if (aCurrentAngel.dancing()) > { > iDancingAngelsCounted++; > aCurrentAngel.squish(); > } > > cout << iDancingAngelsCounted; > cout << " angels were dancing on the head of this pin.\n"; > > return 0; > } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } #include } #include } #include } #include } } int main(void) } { angel ASquishedAngel; } camel ACamel; } sharp pin, needle; } int iDeadCamels, iSquishedAngels; } } while (ASquishedAngel = pin.graveyard(retrieve)) } { iSquishedAngels++; } ACamel = NewCamel(not_smelly); } } if (!needle.eye(ACamel, pass, pushhard) } { if (!needle.eye(ACamel, pass, pushharder) } { iDeadCamels++; } needle.graveyard(send); } } } } if (ASquishedAngel.name(Bob)) } { supplicant << "Bob was a friend of mine.\n"; } supplicant << ZOT; } } } pin.graveyard(send); } } } if (iSquishedAngels > iDeadCamels) } cout << "It is easier "; } else } cout << "It is harder "; } cout << "to pass a camel through the eye of\n"; } cout << "a needle than to answer this question.\n"; } } } // You owe me an object-oriented camel. --- 739-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > NEW > 10 REM ASK ORACLE > 20 GROVEL=INT(RND(100)) > 30 ASK="Please tell me" > 40 HAULASS=ASC(27):REM HIT ESCAPE KEY > 50 PRINT "Oh mighty Oracle," > 60 PRINT GROVEL:REPEAT 10 > 70 PRINT ASK:PRINT"Why can't a get a date?" > 80 GET A:REM A=ANSWER > 90 IF A="ZOT" THEN GOTO 110 > 100 END > 110 PRINT HAULASS > 120 END > RUN And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I noticed a glaring ommision in your question: } } 15 RANDOMIZE TIMER } } So, everytime it is the same. Since this is usually a pattern of bad } coding, I assume your dating sub-routine has the same problem, hence } the same outcome everytime. } } Fix that and mix things up a little bit and I'm sure you'll do fine. } } Just remember to practice safe hex. :-) } } You owe the Oracle 4 truly random numbers (besides 42). --- 739-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh you wise beeing who knows everything, would you please consider to > answer this question tha has been bugging me for years? I know that I'm > not even worthy to lick away your toe-jam, but could you help me > anyway? The question is: > Why does Coca-cola taste better in a can then from a bottle or a glass? > And where did I put my clean socks??? > > Oyvind And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First the Oracle would like to point out that despite an introduction } with not one but two uses of the SINGULAR ("answer this question" and } "The question is") you then presume to ask TWO questions. Normally } this behaviour would by ZOTted without a moment's thought. } } HOWEVER, since the Oracle has just put in a good CD (*) and is feeling } rather chirpy otherwise, plus the presence of a fair-to-good grovel } (which so many supplicants overlook these days), I will deign to } answer BOTH of your questions. } } The ideal Coca-Cola, the platinum-iridium standard against which all } Coca-Cola experiences are measured, is that of drinking it directly } out of a very very cold old-fashioned thick-glass bottle. Compared } with this, } - drinking it out of a can sucks because the liquid contains } dissolved aluminum from the inside of the can, } - drinking it out of a plastic bottle sucks because the bottle } polymers are slowly breaking up, releasing various icky gases } which then dissolve into the liquid, } - pouring it into a glass/cup/mug/whatever sucks even more because } of one of the above problems PLUS it loses a lot of fizz, and } tastes all watery as the ice melts, and warms up faster, } - drinking it from one of those plastic bottles SHAPED like an } old glass bottle is beyond reprehension. The Coke marketing } droid who thought that up should be shot. } } Anyway, you prefer Coke from a can because you prefer the taste of } aluminum to that of plastic. The Oracle would bet that if you were } to eat a roll of aluminum foil and a roll of Saran Wrap, you would } prefer the taste of the foil. } } The second question concerns "clean socks." A perfectly "clean" sock } doesn't exist. Even brand new socks, fresh from the store, are } covered in hundreds of little mites and spores and things. A whole } microscopic zoo right there on your footwear. } } Since "clean" is a relative term, not an absolute state, you may just } pick any socks that you happen to know the location of and extend your } definition of "clean" to cover them. You may discover that your clean } socks are already conveniently located on your feet. It's pretty much } up to you. } } In lieu of payment to the Oracle, you owe the Coca-Cola corporation an } advertising slogan less banal than "Always Coca-Cola." } } (*) Aphex Twin, _Selected Ambient Works Volume II_, disc 1.