From oracle-request Sat May 27 09:42:35 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id JAA02348; Sat, 27 May 1995 09:42:35 -0500 Date: Sat, 27 May 1995 09:42:35 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #738 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 738 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #738 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 27 May 1995 09:42:35 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 738 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 733 114 votes hoCpa 98aqZ pKtb3 bbsDp 3iDCg kvBbf 7bmwG 6iyDh EFm74 8hGwf 733 3.1 mean 2.9 4.1 2.3 3.5 3.4 2.7 3.8 3.4 2.1 3.3 --- 738-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CSF The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Spam And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lawyers from Hormel will visit you shortly. --- 738-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CSF The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Splendiforous Oracle, whose abilities no know bounds, who always > dresses really spiffy, I have a question. If rye bread was to be used > on an episode of Star Trek, as some sort of a product placement, what > would be the best way to have it used? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... this is, of course, a question of opinion and not of fact; of } course, my opinions are considered by most intelligent species in this } universe as being facts, but that's the price I pay for being as really } nifty as I am. } } Now, having said all that: } } 1) Star Trek: The Original Series -- episode title "The Trouble with } Rye Bread" } } Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise encounter Cyrano Jonestein, a } traveling baker and general pain in the ass, who has with him a } "harmless" species of rye bread that reproduces itself and makes } obnoxious "coo"-ing noises. Klingons hate rye bread, everything is } tense for about 42 minutes, and in a really funny scene Kirk gets } clobbered by 137,327 slices of rye bread. } } 2) Star Trek: The Next Generation -- episode title "Where No Bread Has } Gone Before" } } Picard and the crew of the Enterprise encounter the Borgsteins, a } cruel race of bakers that encorporate other species into their bread } recipies. They capture Picard and damn near toast him. The Enterprise } fires a modified cream cheese spread beam at the Borg ship, along with } some Photon Bagels, everything is tense for about 42 minutes, and the } Borg go away. } } 3) Star Trek: Voyager -- episode title "Rye Are We Always Going The } Wrong Way" } } Janeway and the crew of the Enterprise... uh, I mean, Voyager... do } something really stupid and try to kill off a species of rye bread } thinking it is some natural phenomena that will give them more energy } to get home. The rye bread takes over the ship, Nelix almost serves } the Rye Ambassador as breakfast to the crew, and everything is really } tense for about 42 minutes until the holographic doctor figures out } what's going on. } } 4) Star Trek: Deep Space 9 -- episode title "The Words of the Prophets } Are Written On the Subway Walls" } } Siskel and the crew of the Ent... ah, Deep Space Nine... find } pieces of Rye Bread coming thru the wormhole from the Delta Quadrant. } Quark tries to make a buck (or pressed latinum) from it, Odo tries to } shapeshift into it, and the Bejorans try praying to it. Things never } get tense... it's a boring show anyway. } } Oh, Rye Bread could be used in the even numbered Star Trek movies (II, } IV, & VI), but in a very subtle way -- you'd never notice it. In Star } Trek: The Motion Picture, the part of V'ger would be played by a loaf } of Rye Bread. In Star Trek III: Search for Spock, Spock's essence } wouldn't be found in McCoy but in a loaf of... you guess it. In Star } Trek V: The Stupid Movie... oh, I can't even bring myself to speculate } how they would use it, but I assure you it would have been awful (but } might have made the move slightly more tolerable than what they DID } release). } } You owe the Oracle a dozen nude photos of the cute blonde on Voyager, } and a Reuben sandwich set on Kill. --- 738-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh slender Oracle, please tell me how to lose about 20 pounds quickly > without pulling a Karen Carpenter. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, dearie, the fastest way I know to lose 20 pounds is to put it } on Slug's-A-Running in the third at Ascot. A guaranteed bowser. } Now if you're looking to win 20 pounds, you should put it on... } } STOP!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET AWAY FROM THAT KEYBOARD!!! } } Sorry, sir. Right away, sir. } } BUTLERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BUTTLE, NOT ISSUE INANE ANSWERS TO SERIOUS } QUESTIONS. } } Right you are, sir. I'm off, sir. } } SORRY ABOUT THAT. NOW THEN - THE CORRECT ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION } IS: } } LEAVE YOUR PURSE IN THE MALL. } } You owe the Oracle 20 pounds. --- 738-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's my name? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Foolish supplicant this is a simple question. } } Your name is a set of letters that can be used to identify you, } it typically consists of two parts: } } a) one or more names given to you by your parents shortly after your } birth, some examples of these 'given' names (called christian names } by some cultures) are Bob, Tarquin, Ingrid, Cliff, Albert, Michela } etc. many children are given two names, and some come to chose to } use the second in later life, despite the fact that it makes them } seem like a dork. } } b) a family name, which will normally have come from your father } (always assuming you know who he is) this can allow you to identify } close relatives. Typical family names ('surnames') are Jones, Smith } etc. in some cases the surname is an indication of what the family } business used to be, eg. Glover, Cooper, Baker, Potter, Sheepstealer } etc. } } In some special cases you can aquire 'nick' names, which will be } associated with you, in some cases these are shortenings of your given } name eg. } Robert -> Bob or Rob James -> Jim or Jimbo } Peter -> Pete Jonathan -> Jon } Susan -> Sue } } Nick names can also become associated with you as a result of some } personal attribute which is considered unusual or unpleasant, such as: } Spotty, Smelly, Shorty, Manager, Lefty, Lofty, Loony. } } It is also possible to be referenced by names which are only assigned } for a short term as a result of some specific action which may have } inconvenienced someone for example: Roadhog, Pisshead, Judas, Facist, } Asshole etc. } } You owe the Oracle a concise dictionary and a better grovel next time. --- 738-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why man, why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } unix% man why } } WHY(1) UNIX System V WHY(1) } } NAME } why } } SYNOPSIS } why [-e suppress EOF] [-h and how] [-n why not] [-v verbose] } } DESCRIPTION } Why is a program often used by small children and subjobs. } It can be used to query another user for information. It may } be used more than once (as in, "cat tellme | why | why | why"), } although repeated usage is annoying. } } OPTIONS } -e This option is used to allow why to ignore EOF characters, } and continue making queries until standard input is } exhausted and gives up. } } -h The "and how" option is used to generate more output. } This option can be used to avoid the kill signal that is } sent by the "because" command. } } -n This option does nothing, but can be used to fool some } shells into thinking you are asking something new. } } -v Used to get more information. Note: in some cases this } option will be turned on automatically, and may be } impossible to shut off, depending on where the input is } coming from. } } SEE ALSO } because(1), shutup(1), kill(1) } } WARNINGS } Using the why command more than a few times in a row can } result in a painful system crash. In some cases why can } end up in an endless loop with the "because" command. --- 738-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, enlighten me: > > How long will it take after the release of Windows 95 for Microsoft > to get it to actually work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am reminded of a koan. } } A hacker once bought a computer, and that computer ran Dos 4. } However, Dos 4 did not work. The hacker asked Microsoft, when will } you get Dos 4 to work? Microsoft said, forget about Dos 4! Buy our } newest product, Dos 5, which has all bugs fixed. } } The hacker bought Dos 5, but it did not work. The hacker asked } Microsoft, when will you get Dos 5 to work? Microsoft said, forget } about Dos 5! Buy our newest product, Windows, which has all bugs } fixed. } } The hacker bought Windows, but it did not work. The hacker asked } Microsoft, when will you get Windows to work? Microsoft said, forget } about Windows! Buy our newest product, Windows 95, which will have } all bugs fixed. } } While he was waiting for Windows 95 to come out, the hacker asked the } Oracle when Microsoft would get Windows 95 to work. Before he even } finished his question, the Oracle shouted "LINUX!" and began } bludgeoning the hacker with a clue stick. At that moment the hacker } was enlightened. } } You owe the Oracle an 8mm tape drive for his PC. --- 738-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the proof that no oracle is better than T. U. Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, a problem that has vexed the sages through the ages. Well, come to } sunny England, where John Major has found the answer. Here there are } GOVERNMENT LEAGUE TABLES for everything! Yess, not only soccer teams, } but police forces, hospitals, schools and every other institution of } state have their performance lined up for the punters to compare! } } And the first act of OffProph, the regulatory office of Oracles, } Soothsayers, Prophets and Fortune Tellers, has been to establish a } league table of out performance, and of course, it demonstrates quite } clearly the superiority of myself, The Usenet Oracle. Here's a few } lines: } } Oracular body Correct responses Average wait Supplicants ZOTted } } T U Oracle 100% 24 Hours 25% } } Teiresias 80% 7 Years 3% } } Deep Thought 50% 8750000 Years 33% } } Nostradamus 5% 500 Years 1% } } Isiah 75% 600 Years 14% } } As you can see, T. U. Oracle comes top of the league in all respects, } except...hang on, I've been out-ZOTted by that digital upstart from } the Guide! I've some catching up to do! Did you grovel, supplicant? } No! And questioning my superiority as well! I can get started right } now... } } [] --- 738-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello are you from Mars, I am from the moon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Seeker of knowledge, your condition clearly illustrates the problem } most humans have: not knowing your place in the universe. } } The Oracle reccomends this simple exercise. Look down your torso. } If there are legs or feet attached, stare at what lies directly } underneath them. Is it a grey, powdery substance with a golf ball } signed "Neil Armstrong" within sight? Is it more of a beige plush } carpeting? Is it a cheap institutional 1960's offwhite tile with flecks } of blue and green? What is beneath your feet? } } Once you get in the habit of occasionally looking past your feet to } where you are, you may begin to have flashbacks of where your feet have } been before now. This will eventaully lead you to the discovery that } you are not, indeed, from the moon. Do not let the memories of the } Tesla coils, lightning bolts and the uncomfortable surgical table } disturb you. Your parents love you even if you were adopted. } } You owe the Oracle a set of Reebocks, 11D, sent to his Martian } mailing address. --- 738-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > vfgndrghidrgmchsdhm > ioeroigcynriougyerityrgkfjvbnes7vdkgbduvbkugekues > dfkljshrljkf hsadkjfhsadkfh sdjkf hslkdjfhsdklfhkdlsjfh kjsdah fklsd h > sl;fj sfj asdfjfkjslfjsl;dfjk ;lkfj s > s;fjkl s;fjs;dfjs;dkruesalru48ur f > > Don't you think so? > > Your humble supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is impressed with your knowledge of the ancient "Degni" } languange, but suprised by the substance of the question. } } Go to the corner store, look in the 3rd aisle, near the bottom. } Blue Star Ointment. Works every time. } } You owe the Oracle a "Killer Spanish" book. --- 738-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Orrie, who knows what I mean, please answer this of your most > humble supplicant.. > > Will I marry her? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle delights in affairs of the heart. } } Use of the affectionate "Orrie", reserved for only the most chaste of } my worshipers, shows that you are ineligible for marriage. } } Unless you're in Utah ... } } You owe the Oracle a date with your unmarriable beloved. :-)