From oracle-request Wed May 17 08:48:07 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.10/9.4jsm) id IAA16397; Wed, 17 May 1995 08:48:07 -0500 Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 08:48:07 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #734 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 734 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #734 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 08:48:07 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 734 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 729 78 votes 79tp8 ckmea 56pse 6knm7 dhrh4 4fps6 fcdgm 5lscc 49fnr 3eeit 729 3.2 mean 3.2 2.9 3.5 3.1 2.8 3.2 3.2 3.1 3.8 3.7 --- 734-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If the answer is blowin' in the wind, what was the question ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, if you listen closely, you can hear that there are actually three } questions asked: } } How many songs must a songwriter write, before he will write one } that's good? } Yes, 'n' how much must his elocution improve, before he can be } understood? } Yes, 'n' how many questions can one singer ask, and not mention } woodchucks or wood? } } You owe the Oracle a tape of Bob Dylan's early work on the old series } _Gunsmoke_. --- 734-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is it that makes people go coocoo for coco puffs? I've had them > plenty of times, and yet I have yet to go through the rough screaming > "I'm coocoo for coco puffs!!!!!!!!" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think you may be doing something wrong. From observations, I can see } that you still insist on dressing, then eating. } } Not many supplicants admit to this, but then again, I know everything } and many do this only while they are still single and living alone. It } is a very convenient way to get ready in the morning and it is just } plain fun. } } First thing in the morning is not a great time for fashion worries and } what better way to enjoy breakfast than in the rough. No worries about } staining your clothing, no problems with accidentally dipping a sleeve } or tie into the milk. And if you do make a mess of yourself, the } bathroom it's only a short walk away. } } In order to do this properly, you must ensure that you do *not* get } dressed. Once that is [not] done, continue with your morning endeavors } up to the breakfast moment. Eat your cereal, confident in the } knowledge that you will not ruin your favorite suit or dress as you } slop down the soggy ceral. Once done, you can - in the rough - joyously } scream, "I'm coocoo for coco puffs," as you dive into the shower. } } You owe the Oracle a scoop of raisins. Two of them. --- 734-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > will simon ask me out? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, unfortunately, Simon will just sit there silently at the back of } your closet, his red, yellow, blue, and green lights dark since you put } him there in 1983, his batteries leaking acid all over your Monopoly } game (missing several houses, about $8,000, the Illinois Avenue title } deed, and the metal shoe that you think the dog might have eaten but } you can't be sure). } } You owe the Oracle a ride on the Reading. --- 734-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise Oracle, before whom I have every intention of abasing myself as > soon as I limber up a little this spring, tell me: do the people who > say they believe in astrology really believe in astrology, or are they > just kidding? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Forget about astrology, who really believes in ASTRONOMY? I mean, MAYBE } you can believe that the universe (that's EVERYTHING you can think of, } and more) was once the size of an atom, but some of the other stuff, I } mean c'mon! How gullible do they think we are? } } Like that you-can't-go-faster-than-the-speed-of-light stuff. Please. If } you're travelling at the speed of light, JUST GO FASTER. It's not hard. } And what about those black holes? They're like, "Oh, there's these huge } cool things called black holes!" "Well, show us one!" "Uh, we can't } because, uh, no light can travel out of them, yeah, that's it!" } Suuuure. } } And every time they give a number it's always "This star is 100 billion } miles away" "This galaxy is 2000 billion trillion miles away." You KNOW } they're just making those numbers up. } } Of course, as an omniscient being, I know what's REALLY out there, so I } should consider all this funny. But everyone ACTUALLY BELIEVES it! And } the astronomers don't give any evidence for what they say--oh sure, } they'll show some fuzzy picture of a star and say, "oh, look a quasar!" } and everyone says "oh, yes, I SEE it!" What a joke. You should see } astronomers when they get together. They laugh and laugh! } } Oh, I guess I haven't actually answered your question. Well, don't } worry. I just read your horoscope and it says "All questions will be } answered soon." } } You owe the Oracle billions and billions of grovels. --- 734-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Thank you for reminding me. I'm so stupid I'd never have remembered > it myself. > > I had intended to ask you a question using the famous Morris Code I've > heard about. I think that radio hams use it when they are doing > illegal computer hacking or something. Before I can use the Morris > code, I'll have to learn it. Can you help me? And who is this Morris > chap, anyways? Isn't he the one that got caught? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Morris? Why, he's the bloody cat!! } } You owe the oracle some kitty litter. Yeah, he got caught! peeing on } the rug! --- 734-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > i have roaches in my apartment. is it possible one of these roaches is > possessed by the spirit of franz kafka? one has a peculiar liking, as a > resting spot, my copy of 'the trial'. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle spent some time tracking down Kafka, and eventually found } him in a gay bar in the afterlife: } } ORACLE: So, anyway about this cockroach... } } KAFKA: Again with the f*cking cockroaches! I'm sorry I ever wrote } that damn story! It's the only one anyone knows; they put it in the } textbooks, you know, and all these kids have to read it in high } school. } } O: I liked the one about the lawyer... } } K: No one reads them. Always 'Metamorphosis'. I write one story with } a cockroach, and I'm branded for all eternity. Cockroaches! } } MICHAELANGELO: I feel the same way about that damned ceiling. I only } took the job to get the bills paid off. Now the damn church is using } it to drag pennies out of the pockets of tourists. } } PLATO: Same with my books. They've entirely forgotten my whole } career... } } DaVINCI: What career? You were a wrestler. } } P: (into his beer) I was a _good_ wrestler... } } K: So anyway, how did you find me here? } } O: I'm omniscient. } } M: If you're omniscient, then you can tell me who that cute thing } that just came in the door is. } } O: That's Ganymede, from the Olympus crowd. Hey, Ganymede, over here! } } GANYMEDE: Oracle! What a surprise! Have you heard the latest about } Apollo? } } O: No, what's the dish? } } G: Buy us a drink and I'll tell you... } } Anyway. So it looks like your answer is no, your cockroach is not } inhabited by the spirit of Franz Kafka. I suspect that the jelly you } spilled while studying for your midterm would provide a clearer answer } to the riddle of your roach's behavior. } } You owe the Oracle another week added to Lisa's visit to her mother. --- 734-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why does little orphan annie not have any pupils in the comic strip? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } She's not certified to teach. --- 734-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how do i check the stats for the central hockey league for the '94 > season...specifically the flames...i am able to get in...but it will > not provide me with the info...thanks And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah -- another fan of central hockey! It's so much more exciting than } regular hockey, don't you think? I mean, a game played on a flat } rectangular sheet of ice, with two boring old nets as goals, can't } match the excitement of seeing a bunch of skaters zooming around } on the funnel-shaped central hockey field, trying desperately to } avoid falling into the big goal-hole in the center. } } Anyway, the stats from the '94 season are still not available, since } they are still trying to determine exactly how many players ended } up in Lake Ontario in the big Montreal-Toronto Outdoor Cup competition. } } You owe the Oracle two tickets to a Major League Pentagonal Baseball } game. --- 734-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > where can I find freeware on the internet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A good question, my (noteably grovel-less) supplicant. It gives me the } opportunity to provide the community at large with the Oracle's } Official List of Where the 'Ware is on the Internet. The list has been } htmlized for your convenience, since the net _is_ the next wave. If } this is news to you, then you'll definitely need some clueware, } available via anonymous ftp from participating stores near you. } } I'll begin the list with the answer to your question, but strongly } suggest that you, my dear supplicant, access the _last_ address pretty } darn quickly to avoid an unwelcome (but free) Zotware E-mail from yours } truly. } } freeware http://mooch.leach.com/help/yourself/getthis.html } } shareware http://peoples.programing.co-op/bin/marx } *or* http://swingnet.com/husbands or /wives } (depending on what you want to share) } } software http:/Sta-Puft.com/marshmallow/man/ } } hardware http:/true.value.corp/nuts/bolts/ } } suppleware http://gucci.gucci.goo/morethan/u.canafford } } warfare http://desert.storm.mil/we/want/more } *or* http://aol.com/local/milita/yahoo } } vaporware http://united.states.gov/policy.html } } delaware http://maryland.gov/go-east } } wolfwere http://genlab.jhopkins.edu/project/lycanthropy/ } } underware http://loom.com/fruit/ } } outerware http://bean_ll.com/catalog.html } *Not to be confused with:* } hoodware http://cool-j_ll.com/yo.html } } someware http://oz.com/over/rainbow } } everyware http://* } WARNING: Don't try this on your own system. } } anyware http://kiwi.net.nz/defunct/language/clearingouse.html } } noware http://yellow.submarine.uk/noware/land.html } } whereware http://heisenberg.mplanck.ge/where.html } *as opposed to* } speedware http://heisenberg.mplanck.ge/howfast.html } WARNING: You can't acess these two sites at the same time } } warefor http://whatnot.gov/boundless/beaurocracy } } oracleware http://cs.indiana.edu/grovel.html } } You owe a 1 Meg inlined portait of the Oracle, to be distributed } freely. --- 734-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty oracle who is smarter than the average bear please tell > me.... > > Why c-c-an't we just all g-g-et along? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Generally speaking, you are all getting along just fine. Given: } a: The rotation of the Earth (your planet), } b: The movement of the Earth around Sol (your sun), } c: The movement of Sol around the Milky Way (your galaxy), } d: The movement of the Milky Way around your universe, and } e: The rotation of your universe around me, } } all humans are moving at an absolute speed of several hundred miles } per second. If that is not getting along, what is? } } You owe me a picnic basket.