From oracle-request Tue May 9 13:50:37 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA23453; Tue, 9 May 1995 13:50:37 -0500 Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 13:50:37 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #731 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 731 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #731 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 13:50:37 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 731 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 726 98 votes 9sskd btnq9 gAx94 8bqAh 3blyt kpBd3 8lypa ciroh htsg8 9eotm 726 3.0 mean 3.0 2.9 2.5 3.4 3.8 2.5 3.1 3.2 2.7 3.4 --- 731-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Didn't I tell you? HA! I was right and you were wrong, > lah-dee-dah-dee-dah-dah! Oh, I love it when I don't have to grovel > because THE ORACLE SCREWED UP. Hah! I laugh at you and your so called > zotting behaviour. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a > hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Ni! na na na na na na na > na hey hey good bye! Ekkiekkiekkiekkip'kangyeowwwwSPLASH! I don't have > to grovel I don't have to grovel nyah na nyah na boo boo! *ZOT* whee! > *ZOT* Can't touch me! *ZOT* Oooh, close one... NOT! The Oracle's a > sphincter boy! He's pail! He's bucket! Doo doo dedoo Can't touch this! > And that's another K for Oracle. What a bad game he's having in net. > They've already got a home run, a touchdown, two tries, a shot through > the five hole, _and_ sent him out leg-before-wicket. > > By the way, you were wrong. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is your brain on woodchucks. Any questions? --- 731-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I had a finger sandwich the other day, and I must say, > it was a digital delight, eaten bite by byte; > and while the sammich in my mouth I'm cramming, > I savor the flavor of electronic jamming. > I neXt had welsh rarebit and chips, > so good! so good! I smacked my lips. > > O Oracle, whose culinary arts surpass > the total sum of all the Usenet mass, > what are some other computer foods > I might put on my hash table? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa!! Get out the recipe book... we need some computer foods... } } "Would you like volume 95313 or 95314?" } } Ehh... bring 'em both... we've got all day, right? } } "Coming right at ya." } } } One of these days, Lisa, one of these days.. BAM! POW! To } alpha-century 2! } } Now where was I... ah yes, dear supplicant, I was researching more food } for cpu. Let's see what we've got here... } } Recipe #0: yacc soup (with 2 sides of buffalo wings, of course) } Recipe #4: Pa's cow (it's dead anyway) } Recipe #36: alt.breakfast (.lunch.dinner.too) } Recipe #32767: SUNny delight (wouldn't you like to know what's REALLY } in it?) Recipe #65546: painted sand-wich (a Silicon Graphics favorite) } Recipe #88888: spaghetti code (with a viral sauce) } Recipe #99100: C-food (and sh-fish) } Recipe #NAN: Nanosecond Allright Noodles } } Well, that's all I can dig up for right now... Lisa and I have some } cooking of our own to do....... } } You owe the Oracle a safer question. --- 731-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and omnipitent Oracle, please tell me why DNS is so messed > up!? > > Your most humble servant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey! David N. Swingler is *not* "messed up", as you put it. Just } because he hasn't been published in the IEEE Transactions on Acoustics, } Speech, and Signal Processing since January 1989, doesn't mean you can } start calling him "messed up". His article in that issue, "Line-Array } Beamforming Using Linear Prediction for Aperture Interpolation and } Extraploation" was a highly insightful article. } } Just because he happens to be persuing other interests right now, you } call him "messed up". Well, I won't stand for it, and... eh? } } You're not talking about him? Oh, you must mean D. N. Streeter. Well, } just because he hasn't been published in the IBM Systems Journal since } 1973, you... Not him either? } } Well, D. N. Serpanos has been active since his PhD in 1990, and... no? } } D. N. Shanbahg? D. N. Sherman? D. N. Sparks? D. N. Spinelli? } } Oh, forget it. I could sit here and try to work out the question you } meant to ask, but I need to get back to work on our Domain Name System. } } You owe the Oracle an IBM, a BLT, and other TLA's. --- 731-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that whenever a question that requires some thought deeper > than something just below eyebrow level is put to the Oracle, the Wise > and Pompous One replies with inane bluster. May I ask again, mouse when it spins?> You may consult others if this is too difficult > for you. There is a correct answer, as you well know. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This can be explained by studying the following excerpt from "The } Usenet Oracle's Guide for Slow Supplicants": } } Volume VI, Section 12, Chapter 412: Translating Zen-like Oracular } Responses Into Supplicantese: } } Often when you ask the Oracle what you think is a difficult question, } you will get back what seems to be a nonsensical answer. This "insane } bluster," as it is sometime called, contains not only the answer to } your question, but also a veritable cornucopia of knowledge--if you } know how to extract it. Your relatively feeble supplicant brain may not } be capable of such extraction, so here are translations of the most } common Oracular "blusterings": } } 1. When you ask... } "What is the exact value of Pi?" } } ...and the Oracle replies... } "ITZ SOMETHING U EAT U ST00PID F00L! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!" } } ...the Oracle really means... } "In base 10, the value of Pi is as follows: } 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 } 58209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679 } 82148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128..." } Of course, the real-world limitations of your email software } make it impossible for me to communicate to you, at best, } the next several million decimal places, but you can compute } them yourself. BTW, there's a dollar underneath the cushion } on the chair you're sitting on." } } 2. When you ask... } "What happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object?" } } ...and the Oracle replies... } "UH, IZ THAT LIKE WHEN SUPERMAN WAS FIGHTING THE BLOB?THAT WAS } KEWL." } } ...the Oracle really means... } "The situation is a paradox, and is thus incapable of existing } or of being resolved. By definition, a universe that contains an } irresistible force can contain no immovable objects, and vice versa. } BTW, you left the lights on in your car. If you don't turn them off, } the battery will go dead in 35 minutes." } } 3. When you ask... } "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could } chuck wood?" } } ...and the Oracle replies... } *ZOT!* } } ...the Oracle really means... } "A woodchuck could chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck, } if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Also, FYI, next week's winning } lottery numbers are 8 15 17 36 22 25." } } As to your question "Why is a mouse when it spins?" the answer is } obvious: } } BECAUSE IT AIN'T A TRACKBALL, D00D! } } The translation is left as an exercise to the reader. --- 731-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wonderful,wise, wild and wooley wombat, please give me the benefit of > your sagacity by guiding me in this one simple endeavor.... > > How can I find out stuff about the Undernet without checking my > boyfriend's underwear labels for info? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How I enjoy being equated to a hairy, wild, Austrailian marsupial. Good } groveling. } } Contrary to any other information you may have received, the label on } your boyfriend's underwear does *not* contain all you need to know } about the inscrutible Undernet. I know this for a fact. If pressed, I } think your boyfriend would admit this (it is always a good idea to } press your boyfriend at least three times a week --- it keeps the } wrinkles away much longer). } } No, the label on your boyfriend's underwear contains a minimal amount } of information about the Undernet. The information it does contain is } almost a matter of common knowledge. Many people already know that the } Undernet is 100% combed cotton, that you can wash it, you can wear it, } and of course tumble it. } } The Undernet was created, almost haphazardly over 20 years ago, when } high-ranking US military intellectuals were sitting around eating jumbo } shrimp, dipped in sweet and sour sauce. The talk drifted, as it does } with such thinkers, to what would happen if: 1) there were a really } big war 2) certain key Southern States were occupied or blockaded 3) } the nation's cotton supply was imperiled and 4) as a result, American } men would have to fight a war, on their own soil, with NO UNDERWEAR ON. } A computer simulation was run, first of men fighting without } underwear, then with men fighting without cotton socks OR underwear, } and then, of course, just to be thorough, of men running around with } rifles, in formation, completely naked. It was disasterous. Generals } who had seemed very imposing with their uniforms on, seemed, well, not } very imposing, and certain buck privates with IQ's of 83 seemed quite } imposing indeed. Unit cohesion (that certain something that makes all } the guys in a unit want to face enemies together, bunk together, drink } beer together and slide around in the mud together) was destroyed in } simulation.. } } The perceived disadvantage was based on an exagerrated simulation and } was totally psychological, but the effect on the frightened Chiefs of } Staff was devastaing. And so the idea of idea of the Undernet was } created. The military had envisioned a day when millions of Americans } would have personal computers at home. (In fact they hoped for such a } day, so they could keep what they called Pretty Good Tabs [PGT] on } everyone, by pulsing through the modem, onto your hard disk and into } your home). } } Anyway, this group dipped into the public purse and came up with a } scheme called the Undernet where every personal computer would be } outfitted by the manufacturer with 179 grams of combed cotton, } installed on each hard drive and so tightly compressed that it is } invisible to the human eye. Motherboards were (and are) outfitted with } tiny looms disguised as chips, processors and so forth. In wartime, } each personal computer will shoot out a stream of combed cotton from } the hardrive, through the RAM (to pick up the latest patterns), through } the tiny looms and out of those slots supposedly placed on computers so } they can "breathe" . The average computer will produce four Men's } Boxers shorts (or 4 MB --modern computers can produced 8MB and are } expandable to over a hundred MB). All thanks to the Undernet. Of } course, there are problems. Putting even a microscopic amount of cotton } on a hard drive causes glitches and is wholly responsible for each and } every error message you have ever received. } } And "Notebook" computers can only shoot out one pair of purple silk } bikini underwear size 28. } } You've asked. I've told. Don't tell. You owe the Oracle your support. --- 731-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, alharrow and magficious Oracle whos greatness is so lodivious that > real words can't express it: > > I recently found myself standing in a clearing. A pine forest lay to > the east, and to the west was a rustic log cabin that smelled faintly > of oregano. North lay a narrow river with a leaky kayak. My backpack > was growing heavy and I hadn't the energy to travel much farther. So I > stopped, sat on a log and asked myself "Is your answer going to be > another one of those long-winded adventure game answers?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't know how to "recently". --- 731-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > On the behalf of the entire lab-staff. > I do need an answer! Master of Hyperbrains, Lord of Ethics, King of > Herrings I know this guy, who laughs like Beavis AND Buthead (imagine > that) all day long (IMAGINE THAT). Tell me: Is it possible to surgical > remove specific parts of his brain with a blunt scalpel while he sleeps > ... and which parts ?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Uh, this is Butthead. I'm, like, answering the Oracle's mail while he } takes a dump or something. I think he, like.... } } (Heh, heh, you said "dump". That was cool.) } } SHUT UP, Beavis. I think he, like, ate some bad nachos or something. } He was spewing rainbow chunks about five minutes ago. It was cool. } } (No it wasn't. It sucked.) } } SHUT UP, assmunch. It was cool. The Oracle said it sucked, but it } was cool. So, you wanna, like, take out this guy's brain, huh? That } would be cool. Yeah. } } (Heh, heh, yeah, that would make a cool video.) } } Well, first of all, a blunt scalpel is, like, the wrong kinda tool. } You really need... } } (Heh, heh, you said "tool". That was cool.) } } SHUT UP, Beavis. Anyway, you really need a chainsaw or something. } Lotsa blood. That'd be cool. So, you just, like, cut off the top of } his head and then scoop out his brain while it's still moving. } } (Brains don't move, Butthead.) } } Bite me. Yes they do, I saw it in a movie or something. So, anyway, } you fill his head up with, like,.... } } (Butthead...) } } SHUT UP, Beavis. You fill his head... } } (Butthead...) } } SHUT UP, Beavis. You fill his... } } (BUTTHEAD!!! Here comes the Oracle.) } } Uh oh. This is really gonna suck..... } } *ZOT* --- 731-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most masterly, magnificent, and musical, I have a > theory that when Gilbert and Sullivan wrote "I am the very > model of a modern major-general", they actually had you in > mind. Of course, G&S are long dead, so you're the only one > left who still knows. > > So, Oracle, are you the very model of a modern major-general? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am the very model of a modern Major General } I've information vegetable, animal and mineral } I know the Kings of England and the fights astronomical } From Marathon to Waterloo and all the categorical } } I am expert in all the matters mathematical } I can solve equations both simple and quadratical } Of Pythagorean Theory the facts Queen Victoria was amuse } With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse } } I am the very model of a modern Major General } I rent my own apartment and it's full of things electronical } I own a VAX, a 486, I've even got a PDP } I've finished Myst and Doom but I am stumped by Wing Commander III } } I'm very well aquainted too with matter pornographical } I have a list of image sites, both overseas and national } So if you want to see a picture of that Anna Nicole Smith } I'll fire up my terminal and fetch for you a naughty GIF } } I'm total an anarchist, the government I'd like to wreck } Though if they were to get blown up, who'd give to me my welfare cheque } In short if you need answers to that concern your life financial } I am the very model of a modern Major General } } I know the ancient myths about RTM, Pengo and Mitnick } I hack into computers and I then perform a credit check } I scare all my non-hacker friends with tales of cracker thievery } And even though I'm spouting crap they'll listen and believe in me } } I've learned to spot a troll and I've seen flames about the way I spell } I've traced badly forged cancels and seen napalm poured on AOL? } I've laughed at all the newbies and their flailing cries of "You all } suck!" } I've been flamed by Carasso, with an anvil I have then been struck } } I've hung around the alt.tasteless and seen war waged on rec.pets.cats } I've spent my time in talk.bizarre and used those stupid Relay Chats } In short, if you need answers that concern your things electronical } I am the very model of a modern Major General } } Well postings like MAKE.MONEY.FAST, I am now somewhat wary at, } I have been Global Killfiled by the Joel Furr Commissariat } When rosebud posts a lengthy rant 'bout Microsoft she swears is true } I know that she is just another short lived kook without a clue } } When I have learnt what progress has been made upon the Internet } When I know something more than just a smattering of netiquette } In short when I can have a world wide soapbox on which I can stand } I've got no time for other things, like beer and trips to Disneyland } } My like outside the Internet is very very sad you see } I cannot get my spots to fade, my social life's a tragedy } But still if you need answers to the questions you find quizzical } I am the very model of a modern Major General } } You owe the Oracle two tickets to the next Broadway G&S production. --- 731-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great and wise Oracle, who is one with everything and > everything with a pizza on it, can you please tell me OH MY GOD SPIDERS > GET THEM OFF GET THEM OFF HELP MEEEEEEEEE And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant! [slap!],supplicant [slap, slap, slap!], it's moi, } the Oracle -- that psychic soothsayer of cyberspace. You're in the } temple now [shakes shoulders of supplicant with appendages similar in } function and effect to human arms]. No, there *are* no spiders on you } (at least not any that can kill you) -- you're in the temple. See, } look around you -- look at the floor. See the rare cobalt blue tiles } edged in pure gold? Look up. See the sepia-toned image of my contact } with the first supplicant? What a powerful image --and I lived it! } Look over there. See the enormous stained-glass-like window, with my } image portrayed in four dimensions, through the innovative combination } of ancient artistry, fractals, holographic techniques, stereograms, } flip cards, prisms and the "spraycan" feature of the Paintbrush utility } from Windows 3.1? Incredible isn't. Almost makes you feel like you } have all the answers doesn't it, which is, of course, impossible -- } after all you're full of questions, not answers! [Oracle reels back } and guffaws at own joke. Echoes rebound and reverberate, repeating } "full of questions, not answers" 37 times]. } } There, there. Stop convulsing for a moment and appreciate the } wonderment around you [sweep of appendage similar in function and } effect to human hand]. Hear the choir sing paens to my wisdom, and } psalms to all the sooths that I say. The choir is appendage-similar-to } -a-human-hand-picked by moi-meme (I anticipate your question supplicant } before you even ask it --"moi-meme" is French "for myself"). } Each choir member is a youthful human male who is precisely 5 days } from the voice change typical of the male of that species. They are at } peak command of their "soprano" voices, with the boldness that builds } within them from certain internal chemical changes I don't have time } to explain. Fan me, Beauregard [Beauregard, personal assistant to } the Oracle, fans Oracle]. } } Could there be spiders on you in such a place? [Oracle picks and flicks } small orangish spider from hair of Supplicant before Supplicant can } perceive the peril]. } } [Oracle picks supplicant up, and dusts supplicant off. Spiders go } flying in 47 directions.] Beauregard, provision this supplicant } with new raiments....and a beverage. Yes, a beverage. Give this } supplicant a mixture of two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen. } [Beauregard produces beverage in a vessel]. Nothing but the best, } for a frightened supplicant who has turned to the Oracle for succor. } Beauregard, take the supplicant up behind the choir loft and give } succor to this supplicant immediately [Beauregard grabs supplicant } by collar, dragging struggling supplicant along the tile floor]. } } [Oracle calls out to supplicant who is kicking, and screaming louder } than ever]. Now, I don't ever want to have come pull you out of } alt.paranoia.arachnids again! } } [Oracle raises appendages similar in function and effect to human } arms and hands in the air, brings them together in a triumphant } gesture as the choir swells to a screaming crescendo at his command]. } } [Oracle booms out to receding supplicant] Oh, yeah -- you owe me one } night flat on your back, brush in hand, refreshing my frescos. --- 731-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle please tell me why women cannot wear white shoes until > after Memorial Day? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, as I'm sure you already know, this is an American } tradition, as other countries don't celebrate Memorial } Day. But this is coincidental; even in Europe, ladies } do not wear white shoes until summer. } } It's all a matter of lighting and optics. Long ago, } physicists observed that there's a certain angle (they } call it the critical angle) at which reflections change. } You've probably noticed this when you're in a swimming } pool, underwater and looking upward. } } Well the same physicists, naughty men that they were, } noticed that nicely polished white ladies' shoes made a } wonderful mirror, which enabled them to surreptitiously } look up the ladies' dresses. However, when the sun } reached the critical angle in the sky, the glare from } the sun would make this method of peeping impossible. } Of course, word got around, and the ladies soon learned } not to wear white shoes until the sun was at the } critical angle. } } Nowadays, when many women wear trousers instead of } skirts, and when they all wear underwear anyway, the } need for this distinction is largely lost. However, } it has continued as a fashion, in the name of } tradition. } } The sun reaches the critical angle half-way between the } equinox and the solstice. Memorial day is just about } right, so that's what's customarily used as a reference } in America. } } Of course, this doesn't apply to shoes which are not } polished, so white tennis shoes are perfectly OK at } any time of the year. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of polished white shoes for } Lisa. She wears size 10B.