From oracle-request Wed May 3 18:31:17 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA00628; Wed, 3 May 1995 18:31:17 -0500 Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 18:31:17 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #729 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 729 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #729 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 18:31:17 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 729 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 724 97 votes brnlf boDe9 8wwh8 5kxta emxp3 45mlJ 7hrsi cnsp9 choA8 8mvkg 724 3.1 mean 3.0 2.9 2.8 3.2 2.8 4.0 3.3 3.0 3.1 3.1 --- 729-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > #include "grovel.h" > > Dear Oracle: > > I've noticed lately that the published Oracularities aren't as > funny as they once were. As I'm sure your amazing wit hasn't withered, > this can only be attributed to your priests. Have they burned out, or > have you simply replaced the old set with a new, less able set? > > Joe And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Joe, you've always been one of my savvier supplicants, so I'm going to } let you in on what's happened. (By the way, I still get tickled by the } [grovel.h] package, but watch out for the Copy Protection features.) } } Yes, as you suspected, some of the Priests WERE starting to get a bit } overwhelmed, but the problem is not precisely what you think it is. } What with the increasing numbers of Internet users, more publicity via } NewsServers, and now the Web access, you can imagine how many really } pathetic questions come in. When it gets to be TOO much, it's always } been the Priests' option to resort to a file of some of their own } really pathetic answers, to use on persistant troublemakers. (Uh, if } certain supplicants **repeatedly** ask ditzy stuff, there's no point in } reinforcing them, right?) I NEVER subcontract the ZOT -- but the } priests can just send off an automated disappointment from their } Bore_File, leaving the supplicant convinced that dialing up an AOL } Forum, or playing with their toes would be more exciting. } } The problem was, some of these ditz types discovered the archived } digests, and a few of the brighter ones (everything is relative, } right?) figured out that they were getting sub-standard personal } answers. You'd think that would serve as a pretty good hint, but } despite this, many of them kept right on posting really dumb questions. } } The Priests' solution was to construct phoney Digests, so when these } turkeys log on, they automatically receive special Mostly_Drivel } Digests instead of getting the Nuggets_of_Truth. Naturally we use the } same questions as in the real Digests, but we substitute answers from } the Bore_File. } } (No, we NEVER count THEIR votes.) } } Of course, none of this was meant to apply to you, Joe. What happened } in your case is this -- ONE of the offending types ALSO uses that } [grovel.h] package. As a result of a computer glitch in our Ditz } Recognition Subroutine, your account was mis-keyed so that BOTH of you } automatically receive the Drivel Digest, instead of the real one. (I'm } not surprised that YOU noticed, Joe, but you'd be amazed how many of } THEM still think they're getting the real thing. Eventually most of } them go away and do something else, which is the whole idea.) } } So, what to do about this glitch? Yeah, it's *possible* to make the } adjustment at this end, Joe, but then you're about due for a grovel } package update anyhow, so why don't you just take care of THAT, and you } should have access to the real digests again. } } OK? } } T. U. Oracle --- 729-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jim Jim! His keyboard's gone! It just disapeared right off his desk! } What do you mean he still has one? It's gone I tell ya! GONE! --- 729-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cep@best.com (Christophe) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > Who knows the true pre-cooking weight of a McDonalds hamburger, > Who knows the formula for In and Out's secret Sauce, > Who knows why Wendys serves a square burger, > > Can you tell me, your munifincence, what the contents of a package of > basic, generic brand hot dogs contains? Specifically, what animal > parts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, my grovelling supplicant, I am surprised that you ask such a } simple question. Nevertheless I will answer. } } According to the 1989 food packaging bill, labels on all food products } must, by law, correctly describe their contents for the consumer. If } your package therefore says "hot dogs" - that is exactly what it must } contain. If only parts of the animal concerned were involved it should } say so. So unless the package specifically states otherwise you should } assume that the whole dog has been processed. } } It has been brought to the Oracle's attention, however, that some } stores have been selling packages of hot dogs which are not hot -- in } some cases, even frozen. This is clearly against the law. Should you } come across such a package of cold hot-dogs you should - as } inconspicuously as possible - buy four of the offending packages. Wrap } them in plain brown paper with a note identifying the store together } with your name, address and telephone number. Mark the package WACO } (With Authority of the Celebrated Oracle) and leave the package in the } lobby of your nearest Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. They } will know what to do with it. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of buffalo wings --- 729-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, whose wisdom surpasses that of all mortals, please, you > have aided me greatly socially and otherwise. Please deign to send me, > again, the daily horoscope for all twelve zodiac signs. > > Thank you most humbly, O Grand and Glorious Usenet Oracle. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aries: Expect replacement by Stratus. } Taurus: Cowboys with strange tools are prominent in your future. } Expect great loss soon. } Gemini: Operation causes seperation anxiety. } Cancer: Hot water and melted butter seem certain. Avoid nets. } Leo: Beware the schemes of no-good uncles. Death of father } appears certain. Suggested reading: Hamlet } Virgo: Sagittarius figures prominently in your future bearing } Cancers. Free clinic visit recommended. } Libra: Expect to be lost by Justice in California beverage trial. } Scorpio: Expect to be the next big thing in Hollywood. Optical } effects and 50s retro-feel figure prominently. } Sagittarius: Now a good time to trade in for AK-47 to replace } ancient weapon. Suprise visit to Virgo. } Capricorn: Check bridges for trolls before crossing. } Aquarius: Avoid hills. Falling down and breaking crown possible. } Pisces: Boiling grease and tartar sauce seem certain. Avoid worms. } } You owe the Oracle a plate of Cancer and Pisces along with a video } of Leo or Scorpio plus a date with Virgo. --- 729-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > the way to Venice And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, an aficionado of old 1950's dance crazes... the Mashed Potato, } the Tossed Salad, the Funky Chicken, the Rabid Monkey and of course, } who could forget the Venice. } } (obviously you could - or you wouldn't have asked this question) } } Well, the way to Venice is first to raise your left leg above your } head. Next, Grab hold of your left ankle with your right hand } and your left knee with your left hand. Then bend *both* knees in } time with the music employing a smooth flowing action similar to } a Venician gondolier. Forward motion is accomplished by turning } the right foot sideways and doing a sort of heel-and-toe shuffle. } Experienced Venice-ers (or "Venicians" as they called themselves) } are able to move smoothly and gracefully around the dance floor while } hardly ever falling over. } } Naturally it helps if you are double-jointed -- which explains, } perhaps, why this particular dance craze never caught on in such a } big way as some of the others. } } You owe the Oracle an appointment with your chiropractor. --- 729-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr. Oracle, > I represent the law firm of Screwem, Cheetum, and Leavemfordead. I > am mailing to inform you that you are being sued for gross misconduct > leading to the delinquency of a minor by the boy's parents. Evidently, > when the boy asked you a simple question about some animal from > Madagascar for his science report, your response was less than > "scientifically valid". > The proposed, and I quote directly from your response, "woodchuck > bomb to suppress the anarchist rebellion of the bloodsucking lemurs" > managed to destroy half of the school, injuring hundreds of students > in the process. > Do you have anything to say in your defense? > > Sincerely P. Mason > Attorney-at-Law And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Mr. Mason: } } Thank you for your recent letter. The Usenet Oracle has } retained the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe to handle } all affairs regarding the alleged woodchuck bomb incident. } In future, please direct all correspondence regarding this } matter to me. } } My client denies all liability in the case to which you } refer, and furthermore, emphatically states that it was } not possible for him to "contribute to the delinquency" of } the child in question, given the child's thoroughly } delinquent nature prior to the incident. My client points } out that it was the child who asked the original question. } My client did not initiate contact with the child, and } did give ample warning as to the nature and capability of } the woodchuck bomb. } } My client also indicates that several Federal judges owe } him favors. It is unlikely that an action against him } would be successful. } } Your client owes the Oracle an apology and a jolly good } grovel, plus court costs and reasonable attorney's fees. } } Respectfully yours, } Kenny Cheatham, Esq. --- 729-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do trees dream? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From: oracle@cs.indiana.edu (The Usenet Oracle) } Newsgroups: rec.arts.poems } Subject: yes the trees dream yes (C&C welcome) } } yes the trees dream yes } } palms on the tropic cruise-ship's paradise postcard } dream of dropping death's dark coconuts on skulls } of Sports Illustrated swimsuit maidens } } redwoods stalk the brain cells of Reagan's last nightmare } to say if you've seen one Republican you've } seen them all } } cherry trees on Washington mall } dream their red fruit a hail of bullets } making the White House incarnadine } } and all trees great or small } in one endless bloodlust, dream of stomping } woodchucks, woodchucks, woodchucks, woodchucks, woodchucks } and squishing their guts out so they can't chuck any wood at } all, the fiendish little greasy smarmy bagbiting filthy rodents! } } * * * } } From: dcevans@briannon.wellesley.edu } Subject: Re: yes the trees dream yes (C&C welcome) } } Usenet, I just love the image of the murder-coconuts dropping on the } SI models, but don't you thinkk you should do something with the } milk imagery? I mean, when they hit and crack open all the coconut } milk is going to splatter all over the models, and it's kind of ironic } because the models are all chosen for their prominent breasts, and milk } comes from breasts. Also it's sort of orgasmic, don't you think? I } mean a palm tree is very phallic. But what you do with the "cherry } trees" is great, virgins turning into avengers of Womyn. Maybe to link } the Reagan part to the first stanza you should have something about his } daughter Patti's nude photos. Junk lines 2-3 and put: } } their wood pulp now paper for Playboy } pandering Patti's postlapsarian pubes } } I don't get the woodchucks though? } } From: smith07@primenet.com (Dan Smith) } Subject: Re: yes the trees dream yes (C&C welcome) } } When are you f***ing liberals gonna learn that Reagan was a great } President, he was right about Star Wars 'cuz he knew the Russinas } couldn't spend enuf to keep up with us, even with Altzhemers he's } got a higher I.Q. than the penis-brain coward draft-doging faggotlover } in the White House , also screw your gun-control third stanza. } } Better yet just take this poem and shove it "where the sun don't } shine" as we say in Phoenix. } } From: barfield@swarthmore.edu (Roger Barfield) } Subject: Re: yes the trees dream yes (C&C welcome) } } Orrie, Shakespeare already used the word "incarnadine" in Macbeth. } So you have to show that this is an allusion, otherwise it's } plagiarism. Also, there needs to be more geographical specificity } in the first stanza or the reader won't be convinced by the coconuts. } After all, if they're cruising off Mexico it wouldn't be coconut } palms because only date palms are indigenous in the Americas. } OK, so it could be a resort where they've planted coconut palms, } but you have to make that explicit. } } On the other hand I like the second stanza because the allusion } is so recherche; most of my "MTV-generation" peers wouldn't know } that Reagan said "if you've seen one redwood you've seen them all." } I like a poem that the hoi polloi can't understand. (BTW, did you } ever hear the Limbaugh show where he used "hoi polloi" as a } synonym for "learned"? WHAT an ignoramus!) } } Oh God, I just got the "woodchucks" line, it's Lear's audacious } } Never, never, never, never, never } } !!! Orrie you're such a genius! This one's a keeper for my } Web page, c'est entendu? } } From: DeepBrain@aol.com (Deep Brain) } Subject: Re: yes the trees dream yes (C&C welcome) } } I GOT A "WOODCHUCK" JUST THINKING OF THOSE SI MODELS, HE-HEH! } } (P.S. this board is really realllly stupid!) --- 729-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will Dave quit West? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You didn't specify which Dave you meant. Of course, *I* know which } Dave you meant, but to discourage getting this question again from } other supplicants about other Daves, I will go ahead and supply the } answer for a bunch of them. I got the answers by simply asking the Dave } in question. } } Dave Barry: "Definitely. I mean who wants to live in a place where you } can get past-life therapy for your pets? I am not making this up." } } Dave Letterman: "`Will Dave quit West?' What kind of a question is } that?? Now, what am I supposed to say to this?...What do you make of } this, Paul?" } "Whatever you say, Dave." } "Ah, you're no help at all. Ok, we'll save this for } later on in the show." } } Dave Lennox: "No. The West is one of our best markets for our fine air- } conditioning products." (See also the alt.folklore.conditioners.air } faq) } } Davey Jones: "West would be a groovy place for a Monkees comeback." } } Dave Sindelar: "No. It will be funny in retrospect. I am, however, } quitting stew, which is an anagram of West." } } King David: "Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of } my life, and I will dwell in the West forever." } } David Hume: "I doubt it." } } David Atkinson: "I am firmly in favor of Westward expansion. I'm sure } the President will be looking into it when he is sworn in tomorrow." } } Davey: "Gee, Goliath, do you think God wants me to quit West?" } } Dave Garroway: "And we'll be talking about the important West issue at } 8:16, but first, here's J. Fred Muggs." } } David Bowie: "Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do." } } You owe the Oracle the Top Ten Reasons Why You Asked This Question. --- 729-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and mystical Oracle, I grovel submissively at your glorious feet > -- for I am desperately in need of help with the English language! I am > sure that you already know of tough and bough and cough and dough? > Others may stumble (but never you, your magnificence) on hiccough, > thorough, laugh and through. But what is one to do perhaps with the > language's less familiar traps?? > > Beware of heard, a dreadful word that looks like beard and sounds like > bird. And dead -- it's said like "bed," not "bead" -- for goodness > sake's don't call it "deed." A moth is not a moth in mother, nor both > in bother, broth in brother. And "here" is not a match for "there," nor > "dear" and "fear" for "bear" and "pear." And then there's dose and rose > and lose. Just look them up -- and goose and choose! And cork and work > and card and ward and font and front and word and sword and do and go > and thwart and cart -- oh Oracle, I've hardly made a start! > > What's a foreigner to do??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You've omitted read and read. } Now's the time to do the deed. } Take the lead-- } or take the lead, } And whomp them hard until they're dead } } Now what of their and they're and their? } Hare and hair, bare and bear? } Here and hear, or beer and bier? } Madness comes from plurals, too: } One deer, dear, or two for you? } One mongoose is simply said. } Two of them I always dread. } Is it mongeese or mongooses? } The plural loses--or is that looses? } One mongoose and then another. } Send the spare one to my brother. } } You owe the Oracle a rhyming dictionary. --- 729-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Wise and Majestic Oracle, Keeper of Knowledge and Patron of all that > is Academic, > > I work at a university. One of my co-workers noticed that I had picked > up a class schedule to select a class to take next semester (the > university has a free-tuition program for employees). She told me to > pick out a class for her to take. Naturally, I thought I should bring > the question before a Higher Power, namely Yourself. What class should > she take? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Self-Assertiveness Training.