From oracle-request Sat Apr 29 11:54:44 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA03460; Sat, 29 Apr 1995 11:54:44 -0500 Date: Sat, 29 Apr 1995 11:54:44 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #728 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 728 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #728 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 29 Apr 1995 11:54:44 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 728 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 723 92 votes 6kssa 6lqng 8hsli 3hpsj ylhe6 39otr hkmkd azxc2 atmla bhiug 723 3.1 mean 3.2 3.2 3.3 3.5 2.3 3.7 2.9 2.6 2.9 3.2 --- 728-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise of all the Oracles to have ever existed, tell me, Great > One, exactly why did the dinosaurs die out, and did they ever drink > coffee? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To answer your question, let's listen in to one Tuesday at the start of } the Cenozoic Era. Two dinosaurs, coincidentally named Fred and Ethel, } are munching their way through the forest. } } Ethel: You really should try this conifer. It's quite tasty. } } Fred: Actually, I'm quiet content with being a carnivore, Ethel. You } know that. } } Ethel: This isn't turning into another of those how-are-we-going-to- } raise-our-child discussions, is it? } } Fred: No, I'm just saying that I like meat. And it's not like it will } hurt the boy. } } Ethel: I'm not raising our son as a bloodthirsty carnivore, and that's } final. } } Fred: You know, I've heard that you can't get complete protein from } plants alone. } } Ethel: Well, I've heard that eating meat is bad for your health. } } Fred: Only when it fights back. } } Ethel: I want our son to love every living thing. } } Fred: The boy's a wimp. } } Ethel: I've been teaching him to sing songs and never to eat meat. } } Fred: The bigger dinos tease him about his color. } } Ethel: Well, that's because they're mean meat-eating bigots, I say. } } Fred: He's been beaten up three times this week. I should teach him to } defend himself. } } Ethel: With what? Those puny forearms? } } Fred: That's just it. He hasn't had the chance to fight for himself. } } Ethel: And he's not going to. He's a sweet boy, don't spoil him. } } Fred: I'm not going to spoil him. I just want him to be able to show } the other dinos that he can take care of himself. } } At this point, Fred tried to eat a drumstick from a proto-chicken and, } as fate would have it, he choked on the bone. Since the Heimlich } maneuver wouldn't be invented for another 65 million years, Fred's luck } ran out. } } So you see, that was how one dino died out. It's important to note that } Fred and Ethel's son survived, even though Fred never was able to teach } him how to defend himself. Ethel taught him more songs, and the other } dinos decided that they weren't interested in him anymore. } } Oh, and Fred liked his coffee black (non-dairy creamer not having been } invented yet) and Ethel drank hers decaf. } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as g. t. ) the } end of one dinosaur. --- 728-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How computer networks work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well it depends on what kind of computer network you're } looking at. Different networks work in different ways. } } Let's consider as an example one commonly used network: } Ethernet. An Ethernet consists of a fine web made up } of strands of ether. (That's not the chemical ether they } use to anesthetize fruit flies in the biology lab. It's } the ether that radio waves are transmitted through.) This } web is strung up throughout the building, especially in } the vicinity of the light fixtures, and it traps photons } which get entangled in it. } } The photons are then used as messengers to send data } between the various computers on the network. There's } a coaxial cable which is used as a roadway by the photons. } } You may hear talk about master-slave protocols. The } photons are the slaves. } } You owe the Oracle a treatise on HappyNet. --- 728-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do birds think of? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A truly insightful question, whose true answer few mortals have ever } guessed. (The last one who did guess was Sir Isaac Newton. More on } that in a minute.) } } It is commonly thought that all birds think about is eating, } sleeping, escaping from predators, flying south for the winter, } defending their territory, mating and nesting (in season). Nothing } could be further from the truth. Birds do all these things entirely } by instinct, without thinking of them at all. } } No, what birds actually think about is mathematics. Birds are } tutored in basic arithmetic by their parents, and most of them have } mastered algebra and trigonometry before they leave the nest. } } Sir Isaac Newton was an extremely bright man, but he did not actually } invent calculus himself. He observed a flock of robins, and noticed } a certain pattern in their activities. He studied this pattern } carefully, and suddenly realized that the birds were calculating the } area of arbitrarily curved shapes. He promptly set to work } expressing this new area of math in a form that humans could more } readily understand. Have you ever noticed how an integral sign looks } rather like a worm? That's what the robins were using. } } Birds' expertise extends to the higher mathematics, as well, such as } topology. When humans finally solved the four-color map theorem a } few years ago, it was hailed as a major achievement. But had they } only looked to the birds, they could have saved themselves a lot of } trouble. Sparrows proved that theorem over 400 years ago. } } In future, when you hear the birds' song, listen carefully, You never } know when you might pick up some useful tidbit of mathematical } knowledge. } } The sole exception to this is the ostrich, which is quite } stupid^H^H^H^H^H^Hintellectually challenged, and can't do anything } much at all without an adding machine. } } You owe the Oracle a talking parrot, so he can carry on some truly } intelligent conversation. --- 728-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, knower of the known and unknown alike, Keeper of the > kept, unkept, and unkempt, please help me find the answer. > > I wonder, wonder, wonder. WHO? Who wrote the book of love? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was written by Monserasto, vizier to King Hammurabi } of Babylonia, in 1937 BC. Regrettably, it is no longer } in print. } } You owe the Oracle a translation into English, on CD-ROM. --- 728-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh benevelent one.... > > What, pray tell, is the purpose of the collar on a dress shirt? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To give mistresses' lipstick a place to be found by wives. } } You owe the Oracle a stammering denial, followed by a week of sleeping } on the couch. --- 728-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear stupendous Oracle; > > My car is always broken and it's becoming *VERY* > expensive and *VERY* frustrating. It seems that every time I > hit the breaks, it breaks. If they have a pedal on the floor > that breaks the car, why don't they have one that fixes it? > > PS: Also, there is a button on the dash called "lighter", and > I keep pushing it but don't seem to be loosing any weight. > Why not? And putting the shifter in "overdrive" won't let me > drive over the slow car in front of me. How come? [Ring > .... ring] Excuse me, I have a phone call. > > [The supplicant steps away from his computer for a moment] > > Sorry, I am changing my question to ... > > "How do I drive my mother?" > > Please hurry with your answer. My sister just called and > said I have to drive my mother to the hospital. I know how > to drive my car, but not how to drive my mother. > > Can I sit on her without hurting her? > > How fast can she go? > > Where do I put the gas? > > Is she good on wet roads? > > What if she dies enroute, how would I get her started again? > > *PLEASE* hurry with your answer, this means life or death! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } STOP right there. Your mother is not, repeat NOT a motor vehicle. Do } not attempt to use her in that manner. If you intend to drive your } mother to the hospital, you need a three wood. } } You owe the Oracle some ideas for a Mother's Day gift. --- 728-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and mighty oracle. > Can you tell me this: > > My friend told me that I was loosing my mind. > Where did it go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It flew up through gap between your text and the left hand margin. } } You owe the Oracle a grammar checker capable of intelligently } discriminating between "looser" and "loser". --- 728-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's Vanilla Ice been up to lately? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, a while back it was involved in a menage-a-trous } with Chocolate Ice and Strawberry Ice in Naples. That } relationship held on for years, but then the three } gradually started to drift apart from each other. } } After that, Vanilla Ice had a wild fling with Hot Fudge } (which ended up with somebody's cherry getting lost), but } that didn't last very long. They both had a great time, } but they soon found out they weren't compatible. } } Following that break-up, it tried getting together } with Chocolate Chip, and they ended up getting hitched. } Very soon, they're expecting a little mint daughter. } } You owe the Oracle a banana split. --- 728-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If firefighters fight fire, and crime fighters fight crime, what do > freedom fighters fight? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } See there? -- you've fallen into a pitiful logical trap. } As someone unimportant once said: "Metaphor is the most } insidious form of logic -- it implies that because two } things are similar in _one_ characteristic, that they are } therefore necessarily similar in others". } } Consider, the next time you shop for groceries, that here } we have a can from Bush's -- the label shows, in part, a } picture of beans. What's inside? -- Beans! In the } frozen food isle we find a package from Mrs. Paul's, and } the label consists, in part, of a representation of fish. } What's inside? -- Fish! And by george, you think you have } it all figured out. But then we get to the next isle, } where a small jar from Gerbers has, on its label, the picture } of a smiling baby. Oh, the _horror_ of that! } } Fire fighters do indeed fight fires; crime fighters fight } crime, and freedom fighters fight to establish their own } brand of tyranny, to replace the system adopted by the } previous collection of malcontents. (See also: terrorists, } insurgents, patriots, people's militia, the underground, etc.) } } Well, getting back to the metaphor thingy -- a certain } question earlier yesterday lacked a grovel, and the sender got } Zotted. Earlier today, a grovel-devicient question came in, } and the sender got Zotted. But does it _necessarily_ follow } that YOU'RE going to get Zotted? You just cannot be certain, } now can you? And I don't need to do it right away, either, DO } I? I mean, it could come at any time.... or never, right? } } There, see? -- it's GOOD to understand about uncertainty, isn't } it? It just opens you up to all sorts of possibilities. Now } why don't you go play in the street? } } You owe the Oracle a Lottery ticket. --- 728-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tellme what to say when I meet Mickey Mouse next week And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What to Say What Not To Say } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } "Is Minnie well?" "Hey, heard you made it with Minnie." } } "Nice shorts, Mickey!" "Are those two white things on the front } of your shorts buttons or are they } something else?" } } "I saw you on TV, Mickey!" "I saw you on TV, Mickey, and on a } t-shirt, a hat, the movies, on a } lunchbox, on a Dixie cup, as a doll, and } several other miscellaneous articles, } devices and some such Disney knick-knack } that was from the 1930s when you were } still called Mortimer." } } "Happy birthday, Mickey!" "Damn, you're old, Mickey. What are you, } 60, 70? Shouldn't your tail be a little } shriveled knob at the end of your back by } now? Shouldn't your ears have ceased to } exist, having crumbled away 25 years ago? } Shouldn't your nose look more like a } shriveled raisin by now? } } "I loved the Sorceror's "Boy, the Sorceror's Apprentice sucked! } Apprentice!" why did you even steal that sorceror's } hat, when all you did was fall asleep, } after you made a whole lot of brooms start } walking around and mopping the place } up. I mean, you could have done lots of } neat stuff, other than set a whole } bunch of magical brooms to cleaning the } sorceror's study. You wouldn't have to } clean out his study anymore, after you got } ahold of his hat. You could have } teleported to some tropical island in the } South Pacific, where you could live in } Paradise, eating the native fruits, } listening to the ocean waves crash upon } the shore, and if you ever decided you } wanted something else, you always had the } hat. You could have had it all, you } *ssh*le. You damned *ssh*le." } } You owe the Oracle one of those DisneyWorld Mickey Mouse-ear hats.