From oracle-request Wed Apr 26 20:06:09 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA00949; Wed, 26 Apr 1995 20:06:09 -0500 Date: Wed, 26 Apr 1995 20:06:09 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #727 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 727 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #727 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 26 Apr 1995 20:06:09 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 727 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 722 97 votes ouqc5 dyse8 6kqE5 2bjBs 4dgqC 5foAh nxra4 ivud5 dwyg2 9gynf 722 3.0 mean 2.4 2.7 3.2 3.8 3.8 3.5 2.4 2.5 2.6 3.2 --- 727-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omniscient oracle what is the answer to the question of life, the > universe and everything, and what is the question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A: Lots. } } Q: How much greater would the quality of life be for the Oracle if } Douglas Adams had never existed? } } Hey, that gives me an idea... gotta go warm up the time machine and } exercise my >ZOT O Most Excellent Oracle, please grant me a piece of your wisdom. > > Can you please give me a horoscope for all twelve zodiac signs? > > Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ARIES - Your usual cycle will resume in about nine months. Capricorn } will grow more prominent as Pisces fades from scene. New wardrobe } coming! } TAURUS - Creativity is highlighted in encounter with authority } figure. The right answer could be just the ticket! } GEMINI - Even though it's not your fault, you will set things straight } after big shakeup. Buy candles. } CANCER - Family member returns bearing good news, but will return to } senses after intensive counseling. } LEO - Strong bond is formed while engaging in hobby. Effective solution } will be provided when you get stuck. } VIRGO - Laughter abounds as an important guest notes how friendly your } family pet is. Change in career seen. } LIBRA - Fondness for particular citrus beverage disqualifies you from } decision-making panel. } SCORPIO - Pennies from heaven? The color blue figures as traveler's } castoff inspires home improvement plans. } SAGITTARIUS - News from fiancee cuts like a scalpel - the two of you } have more in common than previously revealed. Have the last laugh as } you compare notes. } CAPRICORN - Seek channel of entertainment when trial seems } overwhelming. Surfing suggested. } AQUARIUS - In your constant quest for truth, you will find your friends } are full of it. } PISCES - Take a break from your usual surroundings. Chance encounter } with Aries leads to long-term travel. } } You owe the Oracle a new Magic 8-Ball. --- 727-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh inerrantly politic practicioner of politeness, I have a minor > question of practical etiquette (I guess) for you: > > I now have eight of those !@#$@#$ America Online trial diskettes > that they have stuck in every magazine from Byte to Lowrider > this month. I don't use diskettes much anymore, having an > optical CD-ROM, tape backup, etc. etc., so I've been trying to > figure out what to do with a matched set of eight useless > AOL diskettes. Can you give me some suggestions? > > Much grateful, > Yr humble supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, yes! AOL disks can be used in the following, attractive ways: } } 1. As a set of coasters for your next beer-and-pretzels night. } 2. If you remove the plastic wrapping, the insides make good, 3 1/2 } inch frisbees. } 3. String them together and sell them as a ComputerWear Necklace. } 4. If your recipe card file is narrow and tall enough, use them to } separate different kinds of recipes. } 5. Carefully remove the AOL labels, print up "DOOM IV: EXTINCTION" } labels, and sell to unsuspecting thirteen-year-olds in another } state. } 6. Rocky Horror Picture Show. Heck, everything ELSE gets thrown } around there! } } You owe the Oracle a nice CD-RAM drive. --- 727-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Supercalifragilisticexpialadosis Oracle, please tell me... > > ...How was Dick Van Dyke able to dance with those penguins in "Mary > Poppins?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You must have seen on movies, if not at first hand, women dancing with } men in tuxedoes? Well, it's somewhat like that if you replace the } woman by Dick and the man by all those penguins. } } If you're worried about Dick having to dance the "woman's part" of the } dance steps, don't worry - the choice of who leads is purely a social } convention and allowing the little guys in tuxedoes to lead is a nice, } eco-sensitive gesture in Dick's part, don't you think? The Oracle is a } little surprised that you should be so wedded to sexual stereotyping in } this day and age. } } For the same reason, the Oracle hopes that you're not bugged because } the penguins were vertically challenged? } } You owe the Oracle a more PC attitude. --- 727-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me why must I be a teenager in love. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't fret. In a few years you'll be a twenty-something in love. --- 727-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is there a generation gap? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } According to the law of conservation of energy, energy can not be } created or destroyed. (Of course, Einstein stated that matter could be } converted to energy, but this "added factor" is not useful here.) In } addition, there is no perfect machine. Some energy is inevitably } converted into heat - which is not useful, and can not be re-converted } into electricity with 100% efficiency. } } Knowing these physical laws, you can see that when one tries to } generate electricity, there is always a gap between the amount of } energy used to make the electricity, and the amount of energy generated } as electricity. Thus, a "generation gap." } } You owe the oracle a $100 gift certificate to Radio Shack. --- 727-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most Powerful, Pervasive and Particularly Pleasant Oracle, whose > Potent Presence Predates the Planet, Please Placate a Pathetic Patron > with a Parsimonious Presentation of your Prowess by Providing an answer > to my Ponderings (Preferably Promptly): > > It may Seem Silly, but Somehow, Simply everyone I Speak to inSistS that > I "Stop Spitting." Why am I Striken by Symptoms of unStoppable (and > Stupendously antiSocial) Salivation? Save me, O Strikingly Smart > Savior! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I normally don't answer the queries of cartoon characters, Sylvester, } but in this case I'll make an exception. } } The problem is really quite simple - too much drool. This is caused } by an intense addiction to little yellow birds with orange feet. To } solve the problem, you must first conquer the addiction. I realize } that you have tried this before, but the problem that time was that } you tried to quit cold-turkey. I suggest switching bird species to } something a little easier to catch and a little less lovable. In a } word, I suggest pigeons. Of course this would be akin to eating } flying rats and I know how much you fear over-sized mice, but this } should help you in that area as well. You must face your fears if } you are to overcome them. Now be a good putty-tat and stay away from } Granny and the dog. Good luck. --- 727-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, whose wisdom is greater than the entire House of > Representatives combined, please reply to your humble supplicant: > > Why do birds suddenly appear > Every time you are near? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is undoubtedly due to a quantum fluctuation of some kind. } Naturally my presence has a distortion effect on the space-time } continuum, resulting in the spontaneous apparent (not appearance, } you'll notice) of small avian creatures. The creatures are not really } there - they are only virtual creatures. } } An interesting property they have is that they aren't really virtual } creatures at all, but actually anti-virtual creatures, or AVCs, in } this case AVBs (Anti-Virtual Birds), composed entirely of anti-matter. } Although you will not have noticed, someone else will experience the } spontaneous appearance of a cat. This, while not an anti-cat, is a } Virtual Schroedinger's Cat, or VSC. Over the course of the next few } minutes, while I am near, the AVC will stalk the AVBs, and when I } leave, the AVC will pounce, eat the AVBs, and both will annihilate } each other, thus generating the exact amount of energy needed to } bring them into existence in the first place. Net result: nothing. } } This phenomenon is interesting, but it is perfectly normal and is } nothing to worry about. } } For the removal of your Uncertainty, you own the Oracle a Principle. --- 727-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, please tell me: what are the seven Wonders of > the World? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You didn't say whether you wanted the Seven Wonders of the Ancient } World or the Seven Wonders of the Modern World, so here are both lists: } } THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE ANCIENT WORLD } } 1. The Pyramids of Egypt--Even though there are a bunch, they all got } grouped together as one. } 2. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon--These were built by King } Nebuchadnezzar II so he'd have an excuse to get out of the house and } away from the Queen on weekends. } 3. The Statue of Zeus at Olympia--This wasn't actually a statue, it's } just that Zeus liked to sleep in most mornings. } 4. The Colossus of Rhodes--A giant statue of Helios, the sun god, it } stood across the entrance to the Rhodes harbor. It was knocked down by } a boat with masts that were just a little too tall. } 5. The Temple of Artemis at Ephesus--To this day, you see chariots } with bumper stickers from this tourist trap. } 6. The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus--The word "mausoleum" comes directly } from this structure; the word means "building in which Mausolus's dead } body was put because it was starting to stink up the palace." } 7. The Pharos of Alexandria--Ships' navigators always had trouble } finding Alexandria because, looking at the map, they had no idea what a } 'pharos' was. Eventually, this structure was renamed "The Lighthouse } of Alexandria." } } THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE MODERN WORLD } } 1. The Leaning Tower of Pisa (Pisa, Italy)--The only reason this is a } wonder of the world is because it hasn't fallen down yet. } 2. The Empire State Building (New York, New York)--This skyscraper is } notable for having played a pivotal role in one of the best Bugs Bunny } cartoons ever, "Baseball Bugs" (1946), which ends with Bugs climbing to } the top of the zeppelin mooring mast to catch a baseball. } 3. The Chunnel (English Channel, U.K./France)--Notable for having the } goofiest name of any Wonder since "Halicarnassus." } 4. Bureau of Engraving and Printing (Washington, DC)--The only wonder } mainly noted for the people who work there. Specifically, the tour } guides who haven't yet strangled someone who asked "Hey, are there any } free samples?" } 5. West Edmonton Mall (West Edmonton, Alberta)--"Why not put an } amusement park inside a mall, eh?" asked someone, and this was the } result. } 6. Principal Financial Group Building (Des Moines, Iowa)--Completed in } 1990, this 44-story building is over 600 feet tall. (The Des Moines } Convention & Visitors' Association is a proud sponsor of the Wonders of } the World Committee.) } 7. Indiana University (Bloomington, Indiana)--Home of the Oracle. } Need I say more? } } You owe the Oracle a souvenir Temple of Artemis demitasse spoon. --- 727-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which is truly better: Soloflex or NordicTrack? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Soloflex is better, because it doesn't take up as much room in the } closet, where it will end up after three weeks. } } You owe the Oracle twenty pushups.