From oracle-request Mon Apr 24 13:24:17 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA09991; Mon, 24 Apr 1995 13:24:17 -0500 Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 13:24:17 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #726 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 726 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #726 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 13:24:17 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 726 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 721 90 votes 2nxr5 4kDm5 jmfig ekpjc 9miho 6qwk6 dlkoc 6msjf fxtc1 6evhm 721 3.0 mean 3.1 3.0 2.9 2.9 3.3 2.9 3.0 3.2 2.5 3.4 --- 726-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and fuzzy oracle, this question has puzzled my small and > feeble mental skills for many days. If your great and omniscent powers > can provide me with an answer to this puzzle of many years, my problems > will be solved. > > The Question: > > If you drink soda from a coffee cup, is it still called a > coffee cup? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, you poor supplicant. I can see how this question would keep you } awake at nights. The answer to your question is yes, it is. But the } reason is a little known secret. } } You see, a coffee cup was not named after the substance which it } contains. Rather, it is named after the substance from which it is } made. People think that coffee cups are made out of glass, cyramic, or } some such nonsense. In reality, coffee cups are made out of compressed } coffee. Here's the story. } } It was in the midst of the Trojan war. The horse was in the city, } waiting for the Greeks to emerge. } } In the near by city of Cup, the Earl - Earl Coffee of Cup was drinking } a can of Coke. Note that the story of the biblical origins of Coca Cola } is a fascinating one, but one which is beyond the scope of this reply. } As the Earl drank, he watched with bemused glances the strange-looking } beans growing in a pot beside him. They had been given to him by the } great grandson of some guy named Jack, and he had been hoping for some } treasures. No treasure was he to have. The beans continued to grow, but } only in the fashion of normal beans (now known to have been coffee } beans). } } Now, back to Troy. The walls of the city came crashing down as the } Greeks trashed the city. Helen of Troy turned out to be so startlingly } ugly that the Greeks, once the city was looted, went into laughing } fits. They rolled on the ground as one, laughing. As it happened, they } rolled right through the kingdom of Cup. So great was the force of } their weight that that kingdom was wiped from the map forever, and the } beans were compressed into a round mass with a largish depression in } the middle. These compressed beans were named coffee beans after their } now-lamented owner. Their value as a liquid of punishment to anyone who } would care to drink them was not known until later. } } As an aside, the grandson of Jack had pulled a trick on the Earl of Cup } and had sold him fake beans. He used the profits from the sale to make } a greenhouse for the legitimate beans, and started his very own } thriving bean stalk industry, which went bust when he found out what } kind of property tax you had to pay on bean stalks. } } You owe the Oracle a six-pack of Coke. --- 726-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once again, the Oracle has struck a poor supplicant speechless with } admiration. Speak up! The amassed Wisdom of the Oracle can't be } obtained without asking a question. } ... } } Yo! Wake up! Smell the coffee! } ... } } Hey, buddy, you OK? That's a pretty feeble pulse you've got there. } HEY! MEDIC! You're gonna be OK, guy. MEDIC!!! } } Uh, nothing to see here, folks. Please move along. Guy just fainted } in front of the truly awesome accumulation of Oracular knowledge. } Please go about your business. } } MEDIC! } } You owe the Oracle $2.95 for the get well card. --- 726-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that on the Star Trek television shows (the original, Star > Trek the Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager) whenever an > "away" team beams down from the ship the leader of the team always > says, "Set phasers on stun", and everyone changes the settings on their > phasers. Why aren't the phasers AUTOMATICALLY set on stun? What were > the phasers set to? Mildly annoy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A point rarely explored in the TV shows is that the phasers are } multi-purpose objects. Apart from defended slap heads and people with } unrealistically large earlobes they also serve to barbecue the } occasional piece of meat or to give a particularlly dodgy shave to } those old enough to require one. } } Obviously, a phaser set to stun would provide a sub-standard shave or } an undercooked piece of meat. } } You owe the oracle a light amplified nasal hygiene set. --- 726-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Knock...Knock > > Errmmm. Hello Mr Oracle Sir. I hope I'm not disturbing you from > anything important. Could you take the time to answer a small question, > from one who is probably not worthy to breath in your presence: > > There is a discussion on the uk.misc newsgroup about creationism versus > darwinism. Someone suggested asking God what was at the start of the > evolutionary chain. Well, of course, that is ridiculous - God is > ex-directory. So could you do me a far bigger favour than I deserve, > and ask Him for me? > > Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This question was not as much trouble to me as you might think. } In fact, it gave me the opportunity to renew an old correspondence with } the big G Himself. When I posed your question to Him, He got rather } quiet and depressed. Further probing yielded this astonishing } information: } } Long before the dawn of man, The Great Evolutionary Chain was a } part of a much larger universal mechanism: The Great Evolutionary } Bicycle. Like all bicycles, this was a machine that set many things } into motion, in this case the Wheel of Fortune and the Circle of Life } (which indicates Elton John's obvious wisdom regarding the function of } the universe). } } However, this all came to a crashing halt during "The Fall". } When God's human creations disobeyed Him in the Garden of Eden, He was } so distracted that His trouser leg got caught in the Evolutionary } Chain. This, of course, led to The Fall, and also explains why God was } so testy when He finally caught up with Adam and Eve. } } Even worse, The Celestial Bike was forever damaged beyond repair, } because the chain had been shattered upon impact during The Fall. This } disaster had far-reaching effect upon the cosmos which is still evident } today. Such Evolutionary quandaries such as the human "missing links", } the platypus, and plush purple dinosaurs are a result of it. } } You owe the Oracle an ancient artifact: The Long Lost Handpump of the } Covenant. --- 726-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, so dogmatic, pragmatic, phlegmatic, and enigmatic, > > If you were in a car traveling at the speed of light, > would you signal before changing lanes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The problem with trying to drive at the speed of light is that you } always end up behind some 80-year-old woman going only 0.96c while } trying to see over the steering wheel of her Chrysler New Yorker with } license plates from Pinellas County, Florida...in the fast lane, no } less. And you can try and flash your lights all you want, but at those } kind of speeds, the spectrum gets blue-shifted. This means she thinks } it's a cop...which would be great if she'd pull over, but she just } slows down EVEN MORE. } } And I don't think I even have to mention what this elderly woman is } doing with her turn signals...yep, using one of them. Continually. } } None of this is all that relevant to your question, the answer to which } is...of course. I always signal before changing lanes. The important } thing to remember is that you have to use your turn signal, because if } you stick your arm out the window at those kind of speeds, it'll get } ripped off. } } You owe the Oracle a refill of blinker-light fluid. --- 726-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wonderous Oracle whos toe nails are so wise no sock can contain them, > please tell me: > > How do I know that the Priest who reads this Oracular Drivel has a > sense of humor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You don't, you sniveling, little worm. Who do you think you are? You } are nothing! NOTHING! Only I, the great USENET ORACLE, can truly know } anything. You can only believe what I tell you. And it's possible } that you can't even truly believe that! You don't know that I'm lying } any more than you know whether my priest has a sense of humor! You } don't know ANYTHING! I could tell you that the world was made of } subprocessed cheese grown in incubators! Can you believe it? Who } KNOWS! Ahahahahahahahahahaha! Fools! All of them! } A-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! } } And by the way, yes he does have a sense of humor. Thing is, he just } took it to the cleaners a while back, and I don't think it's been } returned. } } You owe the Oracle a shave, haircut, and 2 bits. --- 726-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If the universe is expanding, wouldn't that mean we are gaining weight? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have the right idea. Unfortunately, you've got it the wrong way } round. The universe is expanding BECAUSE we are gaining weight. } } You owe the Oracle a good grovel. --- 726-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When will I be rich? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Attached is a "Change of Name" form -- official from the federal } government and the United Nations internal control of all people (phase } IV.) } } By filling it out and sending it it with the requisite $49.95 plus S&H, } you will be "Rich" in approximately 8 weeks. } } OFFICIAL CHANGE OF NAME FORM } } Current name (L/F/MI): _____________________________________ } New name: ____________________Richard_______________________ } } Signature: ___________________________ Date: ______________ --- 726-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you can't reach there, well, then I obviously didn't > want you to scratch there. Think about that next time- > oh, sorry, there isn't a next time. > > Zot! > > You owe the Oracle a new mattress. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Well, hello there, me. How am I today?" } "Me? I'm fine! And me?" } "I'm fine! What do I want me to do?" } "Simple! I want me to find us." } "That's simple. Which one of us do I want me to find?" } "All of us. In case I haven't told myself, there's a crisis facing the } world. And only I and me, along with us, can help." } "But before I go, I've got one question for me." } "I'm welcome to it. Ask." } "How come I'm telling me to do it? Why don't I do it?" } "I'd be glad to help, but I'm in an asylum for the insane." } "How did I get there?" } "For talking to myself." The screen went blank. } So it was that the Usenet Oracle went searching for his other selves, } not knowing that they had already been accounted for. } } You owe the Oracle "Things the Oracle Would Say to Homer Simpson" for } $50, Alex. --- 726-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise one... > > Why is it that planes supply floatation devices instead of parachutes? > > And, why do we need either one? They could just make the whole plane > out of the same material as that little black box that's > indestructable. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why do planes have floatation devices? Well, as usual, when something } makes absolutely no sense, the government's usually to blame. } } You see, when planes were first invented, the goverment decided to } regulate them, as this is what goverments do. The only problem was that } nobody in the government knew anything at all about airplanes. Did this } stop the government from stepping in? Don't be silly. So what the } government did was to assign a top-level committee to determine how to } regulate planes. And this committee sent memos to the mid-level } bureaucrats, who sent memos to low-level bureaucrats, on so on, until a } memo arrived at the desk of a bureaucrat (named Jim) who had nobody to } pass it down to. And, of course, by this time, the memos had become } garbled in bureaucrat-speak and had become over 350 pages long. } } Well, Jim barely knew bureaucrat-speak (that's why he had nobody } underneath him) and he had no intention of reading a 350 page memo, } anyway. Plus, he had no idea what an airplane was, in the first place. } So he flipped open the memo to a random page and read: } } ... the class of transport vehicle in question, to wit, the } "airplane" (or "aeroplane" or "plane", see page 142), which being } designed so as to permit lift via Bernoulli's Law of Fluid Dynamics, } in which the pressure or lack of same on a surface or set of } surfaces is affected by the rate of velocity (or speed) of the fluid } in question... } } which Jim didn't understand at all. But he saw the word "fluid", and } thought "Ah ha! It must be some kind of boat!" Now Jim knew nothing } about boats, either, but he figured that at least it should have some } sort of floatation device, at least. So he wrote a memo to his boss, } who hadn't read the original memo either. He added some } bureaucrat-speak and a couple more regulations and passed it up to his } boss... and so on. } } Finally the committee submitted their report to Congress, who passed it } as an amendment to a bill declaring May National Corn Sweetener Month. } } Now why planes aren't made of the black box material is a much more } interesting story. The simple fact is, there just isn't enough of it to } make all the planes out of. You see, all the black box material (called } Substance X) came from a UFO that crash landed in the Arizona desert in } the 1930's. Nobody knows what it is, but they know it won't be } destroyed in a crash. (Because it wasn't.) } } This explains why there is such a concerted search for the black box } after each crash. It's not that they really want to know what happened } (you seen one crash, you seen 'em all), but they need to recover } Substance X to make more black boxes out of. (It's kind of } self-defeating, when you think about it. Like I said, that's } government.) } } You owe the Oracle an offical memo and some corn sweetener for the } holidays.