From oracle-request Sat Mar 18 11:07:09 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA14948; Sat, 18 Mar 1995 11:07:09 -0500 Date: Sat, 18 Mar 1995 11:07:09 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #718 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 718 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #718 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 18 Mar 1995 11:07:09 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 718 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 713 92 votes rkjh9 7gsoh bfupb klpl5 1dmtr 5dowi fxsd3 49lsu 7nsp9 42nsz 713 3.2 mean 2.6 3.3 3.1 2.7 3.7 3.5 2.5 3.8 3.1 4.0 --- 718-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great number master (mistress?) who can add non-standard > numbers, multiply Borel sets, integrate infinitely dimensioned > functions in Banach spaces and can even solve tenth degree polynomials, > please tell this humble supplicant from the left tail of the math bell > curve why pi isn't rational? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The question has to deal with the origins of the Oracle himself, and I } am pleased that you asked it. } } Back in the days when the universe was just a "concept," the design } team batted around the idea of InterPlanar Communication (IPC), or the } ability of mortals (you) to communicate with immortals (us). One } bright young tech came up with the idea that when the mortals achieved } a significant height in technology, a machine would be modified to } provide a conduit to the gods. This amused the senior designer so much } he said, "Let it be So," and it was. } } Unfortunately, projections showed that the mortals would fail to reach } the technology level before they destroyed themselves with petty } bickering. At great expense, a patch was applied: a fundamental value } in mathematics was changed from a rational (3) to an irrational } (3.14159...), and the dominant gender in technology was changed from } female to male. How did this help? Well, by making pi irrational, an } "El Dorado" of computing power was made, where scores of people with } too much time and not enough social life fought to generate pi to } greater and greater accuracy. This added just enough incentive to } increase the power of computers so that technology advanced before the } deadline was reached. It also made certain weapons of mass } destruction much more complicated to build. (In a universe where pi } would be rational, nuclear weapons would have been perfected BEFORE } World War II). } } But why remove women from the throne of technology? Not doing so } would have nullified any technological incentive of making pi } irrational; for any woman will tell you that it doesn't matter how } long it is, it's what you do with it that counts. } } You owe the Oracle a boysenberry pie. --- 718-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which is the better path to follow to achieve true happiness in > this lifetime. > > 1) Hard work and spiritual enlightenment. > > or > > 2) Depravity and ruthless ambition. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 3) All of the above --- 718-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie > Roll Tootsie Pop? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } --Question Fowarded to turtle@ground.com-- } } I'm not sure, I could never get that far without biting into the chewy, } sticky, toxic center. You should ask the owl. } } --Question Forwarded to owl@branch.tree.com-- } } Hmmm. Well, let's find out. One Lick, Two Licks... } } --Question Intercepted by uptight@senate.capitol.gov-- } } My bill will prevent this kind of disgusting licking and other } inappropriate communication from taking place on the InterNet! } } --Question Bounced back to Oracle@cs.indiana.edu-- } } How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll } Tootsie Pop? The world may never know. } } You owe the Oracle a Pop (Not a SODA!). --- 718-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and wondrous Oracle, please help me along > with your culinary expertise, which I am sure is on a > par with all your other expertise. > > Last night, I bought a couple of packets of seeds at > the grocery store. One packet was for parsley, and > the other was for Chinese parsley. Can you tell me, > please, what the difference between them is? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An hour after you garnish something with Chinese Parsley, you } want to garnish it again. --- 718-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the meaning of life 27? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Twenty seven is a significant number. } It's the year in which Lindberg crossed the Atlantic. } It's the exact age of Christ when he was crucified. } It's 3^3, and we all know the significance of threes. } It's the age at which Kurt Cobain killed himself. } California was the 27th state - and California has been proven by some } UCLA theologians to be both hell on earth and heaven on earth. } It's the year in which the atomic bomb was created, and in which the } world almost came to an end. } 2/7 is February seventh, the date on which Punxatawny Phil came out of } his hole, saw his shadow, and predicted 27 more weeks before the } second coming of Christ. } 27 degrees C is the preferred thermostat setting in heaven. } Mohammed was the 27th president of the United States. } Mohammad Abdul Rauf changed his name for the 27th time twenty seven } days ago. There are 27 letters in the Hebrew alphabet. } Dave Letterman wore number 27 while starring at point guard for the } Ball State basketball team. He averaged 27 ppg, while leading them to } a 27-win season, finally falling 81-27 in the second round of the NCAA } tournament. } They wound up ranked 27th. } } Do you need any more convincing? } } You owe the Oracle 27 Little Debbie snack-cakes, priced at 27 cents } apiece. --- 718-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh most knowledgeable Oracle: > > why do candy vending machines use letters of the alphabet to designate > the different candies and chips? In my ignorance, many times I have > dropped in the money, looked for a nestle crunch, seen it was EE, > pressed E instead of the EE button, and realizing my error too > late....I get a bag of Funions or something. Who came up with this > stupid idea?! Wouldn't it make more sense to actually have the button > underneath what you wanted? Or have a little picture of what you want > on the button. Or is E the international symbol for Funions?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [TV screen shows the logo: ONN Headline News] } } James Earl Jones' voiceover: *This* is ONN. } } [Screen: FACTOID--only 5 people in the entire U.S. actually like } Funions, as compared to 7 in Argentina.] } } [Cut to anchor] } } Anchor: I'm Charles Zewe, and this is the Oracular News Network. Today } on lifestyles: why are candy vending machines so confusing? I mean, } look at soda machines. Each button has the logo of the corresponding } drink. You just push... } } James Earl Jones' voice: That's enough, Chuck. Just go to Wolf. } } Anchor: [visibly shaken] We now go to Wolf Blitzer, who is at the } Vendabar corporation headquarters, to get some answers. } } [cut to Wolf, wearing a flak jacket. He is standing in a plush } office.] } } Wolf: Man, being a reporter sucks when there's no war on. } } JEJ: Would you like to know what will really 'suck'? Your } next paycheck! } } Wolf: Ulp, are we on? I'm here with the vice-president of marketing } of Vendabar, George Conrad. Mr. Conrad, why all the difficult } lettered buttons on candy vending machines? Why not just use } the product logo, like on the soda machines made by... } } VP: Silence! Do not speak the name of our heathen competitors in } here! } } Wolf: Sorry. } } VP: To answer your question: look at soda cans. They're done in } beautiful reds, blues, whites, and greens. You can show those logos } anywhere and people would by the product, no matter what it was. } Now look at candy bar wrappers. Browns and yellows. Maybe some } grey, if someone felt creative. You can't sell anything with those } colors! Obviously we can't put those on our buttons. If *I* were } in charge of marketing the candy bars, they'd have beautiful colors. } But we don't make the candy here, we just vend it. } } Wolf: OK, I guess. But why the weird letter combinations? } } VP: Well, it started out logically enough. M for Milky Way. MM for } M&Ms. N for Nutrageous. B for Butterfinger. But then we started } running out of letters, so we had to get creative. NN for Bar None, } for the two n's in the name. Similarly, EE for Nestle's Crunch. } } JEJ: I *like* Bar None. } } Wolf: Er, yes. Anyway, Mr. Conrad, how did you ever get E for } Funions? } } VP: Well, F was already taken. In fact, almost all the letters and } double letters were already taken. But there was E, sitting right } next to F, and E kind of looks like F too. } } Wolf: [thinks for a second] There aren't any candy bars that begin } with F. } } VP: Well, no. But around the time we were assigning the letters, } Hershey's decided to branch out. They started selling fruitcake. } } Wolf: Fruitcake???!!! } } VP: Yes. Their reasoning was that while candy bars might start } growing moldy after sitting in vending machines for 5 years, } fruitcake would not. Anyway, our market research amazingly } showed that the American people loathed fruitcake slightly } less than they loathed Funions. So fruitcake got F and } Funions were relegated to E. Soon thereafter Hershey's dropped } the fruitcake line, but we thought it would confuse people if } we moved Funions to F after they had already become accustomed to } seeing it at E. } } Wolf: There you have it, Chuck. } } [cut back to anchor] } } Anchor: Thanks Wolf. Up on the next half-hour of ONN Headline } News: scientists are genetically altering woodchucks so they } *can* chuck wood, hoping to solve an age-old problem. } } [fade to ONN logo] } } JEJ: *This* is ONN. } } [cut to commercial] } } You owe the Oracle James Earl Jones' voice without Darth } Vader's personality. --- 718-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle tell me who am i ???/ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. --- 718-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, versed in the arts of diplomacy and tact, > > I am unhappy with my current job. There is a possibility of getting > a job doing something much more interesting, but I will need a letter > of reference from my boss. How should I go about asking for it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle understands your need to actually work for a living. Many } are the days that the Oracle wakes up and says, "You know, it wouldn't } actually be all that bad going in to a job today." Then the Oracle } falls back asleep, but you should know that he sympathizes with you. } } Of course, having obtained a job, it becomes your bounden duty to look } for a better one, because your job sucks. You can work your way, from } each job to an even more challenging job, until you are totally } incompetent to do what you do. For some people this process takes } years, but for a lucky few it can be accomplished right out of } college. } } Of course, nobody is going to give you a new job unless they thought } you were pretty good at your last job. After all, why bother with } somebody who has reached his level of incompetence when you can help } sombody else to attain a higher level of incompetence. } } But let's assume that you are, in fact, pretty good at what you do, } whatever that is, and haven't merely obtained your current position } based on your ability to grovel, which is fair to middlin'. So } theoretically your boss would be just pleased as punch to write you a } letter explaining o the world how you are the best in the } whole history of -ness. } } There is, unfortunately, a catch. That catch is that your boss is a } jerk, who wants to preserve you under his greasy, sweaty thumb so that } he can continue to demonstrate to his superiors (i.e. just about } everybody) that his puny existence is justified by his ability to get } so much good work out of you. } } So we have here a quandry, and you chose the correct route out of a } quandry: you wrote to Uncle Orrie. The Oracle is flattered, and would } gladly write you a letter of recommendation himself, but we're run out } of "Usenet Oracle: When You Haven't The Foggiest Idea, Write Me!" } stationery. So we're just gonna have to get the jerk to do it for } you. } } There are several time honored techniques: threats, cajoling, forgery, } work stoppage. These will all do, but they have serious drawbacks. } You could even try asking nicely, but that won't work either. You } need a foolproof scheme, and this is it: } } Use your laser printer to make up a realistic-looking "Boss of the } Year Contest" flyer, preferably on company letterhead. Tell him that } the contest entry requires him to write a letter of recommendation for } everybody in the office, so that they can see what a wonderful team he } leads. Offer big prizes. Tell him that you'll handle the paperwork. --- 718-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does it keep going and going and going and going? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because you have been drinking beer. } } You owe the Oracle a pretzel. --- 718-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O nifty Oracle > Who is neater than all the neat things put together > tell me: > > I'm not very good at grovelling.. Can you give me some tips? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now this is the type of supplicant I like! Willing to learn one's } place in society. Someone who knows REAL worth ofthe Oracle! } } For a good grovel you must do the following steps: } } First of all you must fast for 4 days, to purify the body. It used to } be a week, but too many supplicants were fainting at the altar and when } revived, asking inane questions like "Where am I" or "What happened?" } or "Why am I so hungry?". Though a few did start asking "How much } woodchuck could I eat if I could eat eat eat eat eat?" to which I } replied "Try it!" } } Then you must bathe in scented holy waters. This is mainly because } some people who forget to eat for four days also forget to wash for } four days. Before I required this step, he stench in here really made } me wonder if such a prolonged procedure for a grovel was worth it, but } then I came to my senses and realised I need some sort of recognition } for the troubles I go through! Anyway, the smell kept the woodchucks } away. } } Thridly you must purify the mind. You must clear it of all outside } distractions and just think of one thing; How divine the Oracle is. } } Well two things; How divine and magnificent the Oracle is and how } unworthy you the supplicant are. } } Oh, actually three things; How divine, magnificent and wonderful I am } compared to how unworthy and useless you are, and the question! The } number of null questions I get! You have no idea how it feels to get } this really ego inflating grovel and then get " ". Grr! You may think } that its a grovel for free but I'm Required to give some sort of } entertaining response. "Oh look, its Kurt Cobane's skull contents!" } wears off after while. } } Then you approach the altar, and prostrating yourself before my } significance, clearly and loudly proclaim your undying gratitude for } being in such a pitiful position infront of my supreme being. Three } times. Sincerely. Really. Oh yes, and don't forget the question. } } You owe the Oracle a larger hat.