From oracle-request Mon Mar 13 23:07:26 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA25369; Mon, 13 Mar 1995 23:07:26 -0500 Date: Mon, 13 Mar 1995 23:07:26 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #717 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 717 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #717 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 13 Mar 1995 23:07:26 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 717 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 712 87 votes dmndg 5mqq8 9lwg9 4nwj9 9lvm4 9jmqb 9luj8 fjcqf 6ktkc bjugb 712 3.0 mean 3.0 3.1 2.9 3.1 2.9 3.1 3.0 3.1 3.1 3.0 --- 717-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Another imponderable to ponder: > > How much wood would Elvis chuck if Elvis were still alive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Huh huh huh huh... you said wood...huh huh huh. } Yeah, heh heh heh heh, um, uh, yeah, heh heh heh. --- 717-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, maker of fine bakery products and designer of dining room > furniture, please answer me this: > > What is it in French people that makes them think Jerry Lewis is funny? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } C'est peut-etre une question tres tres mauvais. L'Oracle croit que } les francaises ont un BAD SENSE OF HUMOR, et qu'ils sont STUPID. Mais } aussi parce qu'ils SPEAK FUNNY et KISS OPENLY IN THE STREETS. } } Toutes ces FACTORS resemblent THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION, mais } est-ce que tu es CERTAIN que les francaises vraiment FIND HIM FUNNY? } } L'Oracle n'aime pas Jerry Lewis. --- 717-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tell me is there a FAQ on Oracle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, the Usenet Oracle does indeed use File Allocation Queries } (or FAQ). FAQ was discovered to be far more effective than HPFS, } NTFS, or FAT. FAQ uses 4098K blocks in which to store information, } allowing the user to effectively store 12K of text in a 4098K block, } using hard drive space in accordance with Microsoft's "expansion } techniques." The remaining 4086K acts to preserve FAQ integrity. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Windows Ninety-Something, soon to be } made a FOX mini-series. --- 717-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Grand Oracle, Host with the Most, King of Beers, and Keeper of the > million-and-first digit of pi, > > Pray tell, what is the /proper/ way to eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All things are relative. Geological studies conclude that Reese's } aren't actually ment to eat. More likely, early naitive societies used } this product for coloring carvings and artistry. Reese's has the fine } quality of being persistant, obviously because earthly organisms have } difficult digesting this composite. } Of course, since you may drink sewage, perform satanic rituals in } abandoned catholic churches, have sex with maggots, buy a Macintosh } and even listen to Green Day records, there is, and I stress, } absolutely NOTHING preventing you from eating Reese's Peanut Butter } Cups. If you must though, the Oracle suggests you double check your } health insurance. } } The Oracle wishes you a good day. --- 717-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why don't monkeys fly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because they don't eat enough beans. --- 717-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who will win the NCAA basketball tournament? > > P.S. I need to know by Wed 3/15 so that I can cash in your prescience. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The final score will be: } } Yukon Scribblers 10 } Northwest Territories Itemized Deductions 2 } } Glad to meet a fellow fan of the Northern Canadian Accountants } Association. I'm sure you're not surprised by this result. The Scribs } always beat the Ducs, of course, because they have all humans on their } team. But winning isn't everything. I think posterity will show this to } be a moral victory for the Ducs (of course, I always stick up for the } undermoose). And who really cares who wins anyway? I think most } accountancy basketball fans watch for the sheer beauty of the game. } As for "cashing in on my prescience", well, the last guy who tried } that just happens to be the Ducs star legless center. In fact, come } to think of it, everybody on that team (the humans, anyway) has two } things in common--a prior history of crossing the oracle and some form } of dismemberment. What a coincidence! Of course, it means nothing, and } I'm not trying to influence you in any way. BTW, you've got a nice set } of appendages there. It would be a shame if anything happened to them. } } You owe the Oracle a two-four of Elsinore beer, eh? Else, you're a } hoser. --- 717-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > How can I raise enough money for my 125G Marine Aquarium with > Wet/Dry filter, and accessories? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In a fanfare of trumpets and wanton adulation which would make all of } those Charlton Heston Bible movies pale in comparison, the Oracle } begins its tirade of wisdom to the unwashed: } } You have been selected as one of the lucky mortals who will be able } to not only afford a fully loaded aquarium which will make prospective } romantic partners disrobe themselves instantly in your presence, but } you will also have access to an EXCITING OFFER which will make your } friends so jealous that they will all hate you and devote themselves } to brutally murdering you. } } "How can I afford a measly, paltry 125G aquarium and supplies?" you } ask? This question will be the last thing on your mind once you catch } a whiff of the intoxicating odors of pure, unadulterated CA$H that } will soon be flowing your way, as one of the meager side benefits of } your new life selling ORACULAR GRIT magazine door to door! } EVERYONE loves ORACULAR GRIT! Mom will love the recipes, and Dad } will enjoy the party jokes - he'll be the hit at his next cocktail } party, which means he'll soon be raking in BIG BUCK$ once those new } social connections start to pay off! Sis will flip over the mad, } mod makeup tips, and Junior will love the monthly column on Outdoor } Adventures! And for you, oh loyal supplicant, there is a 16-page } pullout every month detailing the latest and greatest in aquarium } supplies. But you'll be too busy to care, since you'll be spending } your every waking moment gleefully selling ORACULAR GRIT to everyone } you know! } } Once you've sold a meager 175 subscriptions, you are eligible to } receive a monster CA$H bonus, but you'd have rocks in your head to } do such a fool thing, since you can instead trade in your credit for } the biggest, hottest thing to hit the aquarium enthusiasts scene } since, well, since aquariums! Yes, I'm talking about SEA MONKEYS! } These aren't the Sea Monkeys you had as a kid which were really } nothing more than a bunch of underdeveloped plankton that turned } the water brownish-grey for a few days if you were lucky; these are } exciting, underwater pals who will go on adventures, tell you stories, } and make everyone in the world love you! Just take a look at one of } these lovable creatures: } } o O (\__/) } /O O `. /-( } o (O__,) \--/ ( } / . . ) -- ( } |-| '-' \-\ ( } .( _( ) \( } '---.~_ _ _& } } I can see you pressing your face to the screen and whimpering with } unbridled desire at this very moment. But wait, there's more! Once } your Sea Monkey colony has come to fruition, you can also earn the } following accessories to add to the fun: } } Sell only x subscriptions... and receive... } } 204 - Sea Monkey X-ray glasses: allows them to see what you look like } with no clothes on! And they can see what the bones in your hand } look like! } } 808 - Sea Monkey Itching Powder: nobody loves a good gag like a Sea } Monkey, and when you sprinkle some of this in their water, you'll } be laughing for days! } } 400 - Sea Monkey Habitrail Adventure World: see them swim through the } futuristic tubing. Watch them frolic with the plastic diver and } fantastic ceramic castle. It's like Disneyland, only for Sea } Monkeys! } } 12 million - The Franklin Mint Presents The Sea Monkeys Chess Set: 16 } of history's most famous Sea Monkeys potrayed in stunning Cubic } Zirconium! Each piece is rendered in actual size! } } Since you can't contain yourself any longer, send NOW for your sales } kit, and let the fun begin! } } You owe the Oracle a shrimp alfredo at a restaraunt of his choice. --- 717-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh high and mighty seer, will I become class val > edictorian, attend Stanford University, make sev > eral million dollars, meet Meredith in a lonely > Paris cafe on a drizziling evening, marry her, a > nd become recognized as the rightful heir to a r > estored Bohemian Royalty? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I can see you've been dabbling in the 1-900-FORTUNE services again, and } need a second opinion.Unfortunately, your psychic-wannabe failed to } read the signs correctly. } } You will become a veterinarian in Stanford, CT, and be sued for several } million dollars by married coffee shop waitress named Mertyl, after an } ugly accident involving off-brand hair removal products and her French } poodle. Shortly thereafter, you will be run over by a group of Wayne } and Garth fanatics headbanging to Queen's rendition of Bohemian } Rhapsody. } } You owe the Oracle a cure for psychic dyslexia. --- 717-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > o great and mighty omniscient one--please tell me something about the > undernet. I am a lowly and confused newbie.:( And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Undernet is a worldwide network of underwear established by the } hosiery and undergarment industry. It was originally designed to } facilitate communication between manufacturers of undergarments for the } military and public school uniforms. Made entirely of interconnected } cotton threads, this network is powerful, stain-resistant, and } reliable. And it was checked by Inspector 5. --- 717-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How are pork rines made? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pork rines, also known as Pork Rinds, are a popular snack food of many } all around the world, incluing past U.S Presidents. } } They are made in the following manner: } } 1) Take one suicidal pig. Convice him that instead of taking his } own life, you will do the formalities for him. } 2) After the pig is deceased, strip him of all his skin. Take the } rest of the carcas and throw away. You won't need it. } 3) Take skin, and place into hot, boiling LARD. Deep fry until } puffy. Slice up puffs into 1 inch strips. } 4) Flavor with artifical bacon flavoring. (We all know that pigs } don't taste like the bacon flavoring we've had forced upon us.) } 5) Package, and sell along with other low-fat, low-cholesterol } treats such as Twinkies, Beef Sticks, White Powder Dougnuts, } Peanut-Butter Filled Cheese Crackers, and Miniature Pecan Pies. } } You owe the Oracle 5 year prescriptions of Lovistatin and Procardia.