From oracle-request Thu Mar 2 14:44:07 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA29819; Thu, 2 Mar 1995 14:44:07 -0500 Date: Thu, 2 Mar 1995 14:44:07 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #715 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 715 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #715 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 2 Mar 1995 14:44:07 -0500 *** From Scott Panzer *** *** The Oracle Resource Index, a WWW based set of stuff about the Oracle, *** is now open to the public. The Index includes forms-based mechanisms *** for submitting stuff to the Oracle (eg tellme's and askme's), voting *** on the latest Oracularities, and retrieving old Oracularities by *** number or text content. *** *** It is located at: http://www.pcnet.com/users/stenor/oracle/index.html *** *** The Index is the work of myself, David Sewell (an Oracular Priest), *** with Steve Kinzler's oversight. Some of the other Priests, especially *** Ray Moody, deserve thanks for their help working out some of the bugs. *** If you know of Oracle-related material that is not in the index, *** please let me know. If you have trouble with some aspect of the *** Index, please tell the author of the page in question. To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 715 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 710 84 votes 9rph6 5qsk5 bBqa0 dvqb3 7hqmc xlcd5 lum92 2itpa 53fyr cbihq 710 2.9 mean 2.8 2.9 2.4 2.5 3.2 2.2 2.3 3.3 3.9 3.4 --- 715-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What's that, sonny? Could you speak } up a bit? These damn components keep } shorting out. What good does it do to have the greatest intelligence of } all time when I can't hear what my supplicants say? Hmm. There's something else in there.... That's odd... } Wha....?... Aaaa! } } I've got to get to the bottom of this. } } Lisa?....Do you know who's been stuffing stuff in my ear? } It wasn't the kid at PSU who keeps sticking his 18-line sig. on all his } questions, was it? Or the one who keeps asking woodchuck questions, } but spells it "woodechuck"? No?... Well, tell me if you figure it } out. } } Strange, strange. Somebody } is trying to make me deaf. And if } I'm not mistaken, stupid, too. } } BEAKMAN (on TV): Today's question comes from Billy of Pensacola, } Florida. "Beakman: Are there any other question and answer guys out } there who could explain things about science and other type stuff?" } That's a silly question, Billy. Of course } there aren't. At least, none with a goofy hairstyle like this... } } } RAT (on TV): Um, Beakman. There's another one } out there...and this one is..... omniscient. } } BEAKMAN (on TV): Omniscient? I've got to meet } this guy, share some stories. I bet he's had quite a few interesting } questions over the years! } } RAT (on TV): Uh, you mean you're not mad there's another question and } answer guy...even one who's omniscient? } } BEAKMAN (on TV): No. Why should I? I'm the Beakman! } } Rats. Better } take care of this before Beakman finds out. } } BEAKMAN (on TV): Next question. This comes from Sally in Beaver } Springs, PA. "Dear Beakman: What's the difference between woodchucks } and grounhogs?" Well, Sally... } } } } Hmm. Looks like another question is coming in. } } >The USENET Oracle requires an answer to this question: } > } >Oh, great all-mighty omniscience. I don't know how to say this but } >I've done something terrible. I work for another question-and-answer } >guy, and I thought he'd be jealous of you, so I tried to incapicitate } >you. I hope you're not too mad, but there's an *ELEPHANT* in your } >ear. And some other stuff. I'm really sorry, but I hope you don't } >make too big a deal out of this because I'd probably get in trouble } >with Beak...with my employer. Then he'd make me get in the mucous } >demonstration tunnel again. Yuck. Anyway, I'm sorry and I hope you're } >okay. } } Lisa! Type this response up for supplicant #457789-0: } } No hard feelings, mouse-man. We omniscient beings are far more } forgiving than you give us credit for (if only certain deities would } stop turning people into constellations and donkeys and pillars of } salt, I'm sure our reputation would be far kinder). You are absolved } from all wrong-doing; but I would have you know that next time I am } subjected to _Doogie Houser_ I will consider it an act of war. } } You owe the Oracle an episode guide to _Beakman's World_ and a groovy } new haircut. --- 715-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and Powerful Oracle, please spare a meager morsel of wisdom for > this your humble supplicant: > > How come women don't come with pull-down menus and on-line help? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you look close, you can find some open interfaces that will permit } pop-up menus. A small portion of these have pull-down menus, too. } Be careful with these interfaces, as they tend to have had many users. } This puts both of you at risk of core dumping. } } Contrary to your understanding, they do have on-line help. The problem } is that most men expect it to be a point-and-shoot interface. It's a } voice-driven interface based on fuzzy logic, with only a few } opportunities to use your pointer. Be patient, work with it, and soon } you'll get the hang of it. } } Remember, there is no style guide for these interfaces, they come in } all shapes and styles. } } You owe the Oracle a fully interactive multi-media interface, } preferably a blonde. --- 715-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All-knowing Oracle, please answer this question that has long > frustrated music fans. In "Hotel California" there is a line about > 'the warm smell of colitas' rising up through the air. I know that > colitas are a type of food, but what exactly *are* they? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhhh, that old mix-up. Well, ya know, he actually is trying to sing } 'warm spell of colitis'. You see, colitis is technically the } inflammation of the colon. A sudden attack of this was beginning to } come about at this time. I think it was actually more or less just } gas. } } You owe the Oracle an easy way to play F# chord on his guitar. It's } the only chord he can't play in "Hotel California". --- 715-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there a fan group of the British TV series "Bottom" - with Rik > Mayall and Adrian Edmondson - somewhere on the Internet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yegads! Here I sit upon the mighty throne of knowledge ready to answer } your deepest thoughts, secret desires, and most probing questions, and } Ye have the audacity to ask me about a...a...a fan group for a TV } sitcom! ZOT YE! I am the almighty Oracle, not the Goddess Veronica, } Queen of Gophers! Have Ye not even read the FAQ for this godawful } sitcom? (Incidentally the most recently posted ASCII version is } available via email. Simply send email to mail-server@rtfm.mit.edu with } this in the body: } } send usenet/news.answers/tv/british-comedy/bottom-faq/* } ) } Heaven forbid that I should do thy footwork for thee! Get thee hense } and write me not again with such trivialities! Better that Ye should } ask the purpose of toe-jam, or how much space is there between the } stars, than a SITCOM! For your sins you are required by the Oracle to } go see the Brady Bunch Movie! --- 715-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cep@best.com (Christophe) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh truly truly wondrous Oracle, what do restaurants in Hell serve? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That is a very fine question indeed. I was just considering that } myself the other day. } } Not having been to Hell, I can only report what my lackeys tell } me. One came back only the other day from one of the Inner } Circles, which is appropriately known as "the 70's Circle of } Hell". Everyone wears white polyester leisure suits and dances } around and around for eternity on small crammed dance floors with } mirror balls and BeeGees and Abba remixes playing in the } background (I was forced to point out that this sounds like a lot } of the bars I go to these days). But anyway ... in between bouts } of Getting Down, dancers are fed lime Jello Miniature Marshmallow } Cheeze Whiz Miracle Whip moulds, little cutout sandwiches on } coloured Wonderbread filled with Cheez Slices and Pop Rocks, } Velveeta fondue, frozen fish sticks topped with Pringles } gratinee, and Very Cherry Crullers. All washed down with Dr } Pepper and Slurpees. For the Alternatively Damned, there are soy- } burgers topped with fibrous alfalfa rootlets, Tofu Dogs, and } Sunflower-milk shakes. } } I hope this discourages you from buying Ace of Base. Because you } *know* what they'll be playing in the 90's circle of Hell. } } i saw the sign, opened up my eyes and saw the sign ... --- 715-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What would happen if all of a sudden, all the people who are afraid of > heights, suddenly became afraid of widths? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We would all have to do a lot more lying than we already do. --- 715-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > fsd dsopiu jfpejp ep;woj ;l "op k"p k"p kewqerk ewk 'okvf'd glf da;lfg > :lgkr? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Hello again, Tiddles, from your old friend the Oracle. As not all } humans can read or write "cat", I'm putting this reply into the } translator. Hope the human who owns the computer you wrote this on } doesn't realise that cats actually can type, or they may restrict your } access. After all, if they decide to neuter you, you already know how } to trash the system, eh? } } Anyway, back to the question. Humans do this for a variety of reasons: } the chief among these is that custard is very smooth but doesn't run } everywhere like cream, although I'm sure you're happy the cream is left } over. } } The bit about the food mixer has me puzzled though. } } --- 715-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me the literal meaning of William Shakespeare's Sonnet 116 > and how the structure relates to the meaning. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Another mortal trying to get me to do his homework, eh? Well, } } Let you not to the asking of queries } Admit impediments; it is not fun } To answer every question that one sees, } Or give a reply to whoe'er seeks one. } } O, no, it is a never-ending pain } To look on questions and be never shaken; } I must respond to questions asked again, } Who's oft put down, although I'm ne'er mistaken, } } I'm no-one's fool, though answers and questions } Within the critic's sickle's compass come; } I alter not with readers' suggestions, } But bear them out even to the edge of doom. } } If this be error and upon me proved, } I never writ and w**dc***ks can chuck wood. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of RFC 1605. --- 715-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and omniscient Oracle, > > How can I prevent my VCR from being infested by squirrels? > I keep finding nuts in the hole in the front. > I can't watch my favourite videos anymore, the constant crunching > sounds drown out the soundtrack. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Squirrels are extremely intelligent and can climb and jump well, so } extreme measures are needed to deter them. } Mount the VCR on a metal plate high on a pole in the center of the } yard. It must be well away from other objects like trees, the house, } and any fences. Run power and video down the inside of the pole to } protect the wires and eliminate another security risk. } Take a semicircle of sheet metal and wrap it around the pole to form } a cone with the wide end downward. It must be wide enough to keep } the squirrel from reaching it from the pole, steep enough to prevent } his climbing on it, and high enough to keep him from simply jumping } past it. } Since this will only deter SOME of the squirrels, you will need to } build a protective cage around the VCR. Use very heavy wire, and make } sure you can stick nothing larger than your thumb through any gaps. } Bolt the cage to the metal plate. Now build a second cage, several } inches larger in each dimension than the first. This cage does not } need to be as 'tight'. Mount the second cage around the first on 3" } insulating spacers. Attach each cage to one lead of a neon sign } transformer, using the pole's AC line for power. } You should see a sharp and long-lasting decline in the number of nuts } in your VCR. --- 715-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OK. Some days I'm a professor. Some days I'm a housecat. What is > going on here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're trapped in a 70's Disney film starring a young Kurt Russell. } Young Kurt found an ancient Egyptian scarab, which allows its wearer to } change into a housecat by uttering a magic word. Young Kurt has been } using this ability to track down some bungling bank robbers (played by } Don Knotts and Tim Conway), while simultaneously eluding a ruthless } magician (Christopher Lee) who wants the scarab's power. You are Young } Kurt's father who, on a whim, decided to wear the scarab to a black-tie } affair at the university Dean's house. Unfortunately, the university } Egyptologist said the magic word within earshot, and now you find } yourself avoiding the Dean's rottweiler. } } Don't worry, it's all for comic relief; you'll change back in an hour } or so.