From oracle-request Sun Feb 26 00:10:37 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA18427; Sun, 26 Feb 1995 00:10:37 -0500 Date: Sun, 26 Feb 1995 00:10:37 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #714 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 714 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #714 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 26 Feb 1995 00:10:37 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 714 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 709 98 votes 6ivz8 kisie 9iHia 4ioDd 7oxmc 5amzq ifxjd 6aqxn irnic crtka 709 3.1 mean 3.2 2.9 3.0 3.4 3.1 3.7 2.9 3.6 2.8 2.9 --- 714-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who ... what ... which way did they go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, in this day and age, it's possible to use many different methods } of tracking down a particular person or object. Let me share a few with } you, and you decide which one you'll use, okay? } } *** BLOODHOUND } Large tracking dog known for its keen sense of smell and tenacious } ability to track scents of various ages. } ADVANTAGES: Makes a loyal pet, food is relatively inexpensive, fairly } accurate at finding missing people. } DISADVANTAGES: Terrible at tracking accounting errors or security } violations on a computer network, howls at night. } } *** MASS MEDIA AND CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS } Television, radio, direct-mail, and newspaper advertisements and public } service announcements are very popular and easy methods of finding a } person or thing. } ADVANTAGES: Allows you to use others to find what you're looking for, } demographics determines rate of success, free publicity for other } personal / professional matters. } DISADVANTAGES: Extremely expensive to use some media (TV), occasionally } inappropriate in some cases (using television to find your car keys). } } *** NINJA } Japanese warrior of the night, skilled in martial arts and basic } investigations. } ADVANTAGES: Extremely intelligent and tenacious, able to use lethal } force in crucial situations } DISADVANTAGES: Difficult to find and extremely expensive, may end up } killing who you're looking for. } } *** RADIOACTIVE TRACER DUST } Used in conjunction with a tracking unit / Geiger counter, developed by } CIA and KGB for espionage purposes. } ADVANTAGES: Extremely difficult to lose the dust itself, you will have } the entire KGB and CIA tracking your subject as well. } DISADVANTGES: Very expensive, you have to lace the subject with dust } BEFORE you lose it, do not mistake for cocaine. } } *** POST TO "*.lost-and-found" or "*.general" newsgroup } Usenet newsgroups available for local, regional, and national } discussion of various subjects (like asking for help when you've lost } something). } ADVANTAGES: Inexpensive and extremely fast, most people on Usenet are } more perceptive than ordinary folk. } DISADVANTAGES: Might start a flame war if you've lost your "AIDS: Kills } fags dead" T-shirt, losing several pounds of plutonium can be bad for } publicity for your business. } } *** LOST AND FOUND / POLICE } Your local dumping } ADVANTAGES: You'll find all sorts of neat stuff there, usually the } person running it is very extroverted and cute. } DISADVANTAGES: You aren't going to find a lost girlfriend there (unless } they're small and ugly), you may get asked to take care of the Lost and } Found, the topic of discussion may end up on "outstanding parking } tickets." } } You owe the Oracle a carton of milk with a missing child's face on it. --- 714-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and Powerful Oracle, please spare a meager morsel of wisdom for > this your humble supplicant: > > How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One of the advantages of being an ancient seer is not in } the fame, fortune, and women, but my many years of } experience. Sometimes, from on top of this hill, I can find } a use for some of it. } } There hasn't always been a single Monopolies Commission } (one of the many results of the Sherman Antiturts Act of } 1890). In its zeal to prevent the irony of a monopoly } governing the laws against monopolies, Congress first } turned to free enterprise. In 1907, an auction was held in } Atlantic City, New Jersey, for licenses for individuals to } set up their own Monopoly Commissions. Unfortunately, there } was a real estate boom going on in Atlantic City at the } time, and there was quite a lot of confusion between the } housing developers, land speculators, and enterprising } young Monopoly Commissions. People wandered the streets } aimlessly, throwing shoes, wheelbarrows, and even cards } about the city in search of a better understanding of the } confusion. Beauty pageants and railroads popped up at every } corner. } } In 1911, most of the hubbub died down, with many of the } residents of Atlantic City stuck away safely in the newly } built homes, hotels, or prisons. Only a handful of } speculators wandered the streets, grabbing up open parcels } of lands and shares of the Monopoly Commission. } } The new Monopolies Commission was run by Mr. A Parker, a } rather rotund and jolly fellow, always seen in a tuxedo } and top hat. It was said that tugging his huge white } handlebar mustache could bring one luck during the holiday } season. } } He died in 1937, leaving a massive fortune and a huge } bureaucracy behind. His will called for the commission of a } board game to commemorate the madcap scramble for land an } political power in his earlier days. The men who wrote the } rules for Parker's Game were eventually known as The Parker } Brothers. } } The game, of course, is Scrabble. In writing the rules for } the "biography," Elmo Parker, the younger of the two } brothers, fell down a flight of stairs while carrying the } typesetting tray for the first four pages. In his rush to } reassemble the words, the idea struck him and we have the } slippery stairs to thank. } } That explain things? Good. You still owe me $100 for } landing on Marvin Gardens. Pay up. } } You owe The Oracle a triple word score. --- 714-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My dachshund continues to bite its bottom at the most annoying times. > How can I stop her from doing this??? > > Thank you, oh mighty Oracle for whom truth is but a thread to grasp... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, dear supplicant, there are several means by which you can } convince your dachshund to stop biting its bottom, are shown below with } a list of advantages and disadvantages: } } METHOD: Sprinkling salt on dog's bottom } ADVANTAGES: Cheap, simple } DISADVANTAGES: Doesn't last very long, gourmet cooks will insist on } using garlic and basil as well. } } METHOD: Diapering the dog } ADVANTAGES: Low maintenance, long lasting } DISADVANTAGES: Looks ridiculous, dog will piss in diaper out of spite. } } METHOD: Shooting dog } ADVANTAGES: Permanent } DISADVANTAGES: No more dog, death threats from ASPCA. } } METHOD: Bathe dog } ADVANTAGES: Dog will smell better once he dries out } DISADVANTAGES: Dog will smell awful while wet } } METHOD: Bite own bottom in front of dog, thereby showing it how } ridiculous it looks while doing so } ADVANTAGES: Keeps you limber, will put you in great demand in bed } DISADVANTAGES: Dog may not understand, can be habit forming } } There you have it. } } You owe the Oracle some garlic and basil, and some salt for his own } bottom; I've developed this nasty habit lately... --- 714-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Turing And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously your question is shrouded. --- 714-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Was it me? Did I *really* win??? Really?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. hee hee hee! } } Hee hee! Sorry 'bout that, just joking! Hell, this Ed McMahon thingy } is the best one I've done yet! Whew! } } Now let's see what I might could maybe do next...hmmm...I've already } given the Americans bat urine and made them think it's beer. I've } already given the UK a biologically altered woodchuck for an heir. I } already yanked the rug out from under the Soviets' belief in "Comrade } Orakle" (that was so great!). I know! I'll place a mutated amphibian } into a position of authority in the legislative body of a major world } power...what the??!? Damn. Someone beat me to it. } } You owe the Oracle a Contract with FidoNet. --- 714-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, superlative and inflagorous Usenet Oracle.... > I, as world renowned conspiracy theorist J------ ----- (Can't > let the Sri Lankans get that, now, can we?), have been > pondering the question of the existence and abilities of the > Usenet Oracle for quite some time now. I believe that I have > reached a conclusion which should surpass even my infamous > Hoffa/Elvis/Hitler Hertz Rent-A-Car theory.... I think it is > clear to everyone in this room that your existence can only be > explained by one thing---Spam. Yes, I can see your omniscience > trembling in your illegally obtained alligator boots (ahh, yes, > the Sears/Panama connection; Nothing gets past the great J----- > ------). However, if you feel that you must claim ignorance, > let me detail it to you... > 1) 1933, Nome, Alaska. A meteor strikes a small > Volskwagen Bug. Inside is the strange pink substance we will > learn to call Spam. A military coverup is immediate. > 2)The military starts its Project S.P.A.M. They create > super men from the Alien Substance...the huge demand from > civilians for the super-drug causes them to develop Spam #2, an > artificial version without the pain-killinbg aspects but still > keeping the famous hallucinogenic properties... > 3) After the war, they store the rest of the substance > called Spam in huge warehouses located in Nebraska. > 4) After approximately 50 years in storage, one large > gelatinous glob of the substance achieves sentience.... > Need I say more? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Please, All I ask is no tell Moose and Squirrel! --- 714-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, in your infinite wisdom, please tell me... > > Who put the Bomp in the Bomp-she-bomp-she-bomp > > and > > Who put the Ram in the Ram-a-lama-ding-dong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhhh... Supplicant. You ask me to explain the Zen Wisdom of Bomp-She- } Bomp-She-Bomp? Let me ask you this question, in return... } } Who put the "Ug" in Ugly? } } Who put the "Fun" in FUUUUUUUNTASTIC! } } Who put the "Toad" in Toad The Wet Sprocket? } } Okay...poor examples. } } Actually, Michelle Karllove of Columbus, Ohio is generally credited } with being the first person to discover that, with proper preperation, } one could put the Bomp in Bomp-She-Bomp. Of course, she had to work at } this for a while, and she had her early failures. Her notes are filled } with horror stories of the earlier attempts: Bomp-He-Bomp, } Clump-She-Clump, and the explosive Bomb-She-Bomb. } } The Ram-A-Lama-Ding-Dong problem was finally solved by the geniuses at } NASA when trying to figure out a cheaper way of putting objects into } orbit. Using a magnetic RALDD mass-driver, they could shoot payloads } into space for a low cost...and with very little danger or enviromental } impact as opposed to the solid-fuel rockets used nowadays. But seeing } how it looked too good to be true..it was. NASA was sued for millions } of dollars by several groups, such as Bill Gate's Microsoft (Copyright } violation by using the term RAM without permission), } The Llama Protection Society, and the Hostess Corporation (Use of a } Hostess DinDong in a unsanctioned way). All NASA was left to work with } was "A", which was quickly snatched up by Pat Sajak's crew at "Wheel Of } Fortune". } } You owe the Oracle the name of the person who put the "Highway" into } the term "Information Superhighway"...so I could have him drug out into } the street and shot like the dog he is. --- 714-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I on this BBS? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are on this BBS because the miniscule portion of your brain } containing optimism and a zest for living has won the latest battle. } There is within you a thirst for culture, wit and wisdom to be } satisfied. You are here because you want to be whether you know it or } not. } } On the board you will find a virtual plethora of advice and a paucity } of assistance. On this board is the antithesis of boredom, dear } supplicant, always a question such as yours to stretch the mind. } Frequently you'll receive a bit of flummery to stroke the ego. You } will be exposed to literary references that will pique your interest. } The list goes on and on ... hope you enjoy your visit. } } You owe the Oracle a dish of apple pandowdy. Mmmmm, yum. --- 714-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, who can connect to any site on the > Net, even the ones that haven't been created yet, please > tell me... > > My system insists that microsoft.com is an unknown site. > Does this mean my system tables are cheesewhiz, or is > it trying to tell me something about the future of > computing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When you set to build a bike and the instructions are in Japanese or } the other side is in German and you know neither of these languages, } and no English version. Then comes the imagination and change of } words, such as you are in one area and then another area....one night } you are driving a truck the next morning a Lori. As I travel the } internet road I find that the pit stops and refill stations can have } lines as long as a Basset Hounds ears, or the antlers that your bike } has. By the way why are you making tables out of cheesewhiz? May be } thats why the trouble, perhaps this cheesewhiz has impregnated your } board and gone to your computers head! As to your future in } computers...if you are desperate enough to ask me and wait for my } answer...I SEE NO FUTURE....however do not give up, L.A. is still } existing and they are on the verge of making Arizona beach front } property. Prime property after California drops in! Talk about a wave } .....narly surfs up....netsurfer! For sure !! } } The internet is sometimes also the twilight zone...in this case ..your } computer does the thinking....in some cases thats all that thinks! It } takes a man to mess things up but a computer....does a royale job. } So like for sure you owe the Oracle a copy to the executive restroom on } route 66. --- 714-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O poetic Oracle, whose bodily functions are so refined that they're > high-brow, please tell me: > > If, as Shakespeare says, all the world is a stage, does it follow that > everyone is a comedian? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most humble supplicant, it is true that the world's indeed a stage; } however, what happens at the last part of the show is certainly not } very promising for the career (or the profession, for that matter). } } You owe the Oracle a _VERY_ long routine, filled with great material.