From oracle-request Fri Feb 24 10:14:38 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA00346; Fri, 24 Feb 1995 10:14:38 -0500 Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995 10:14:38 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #713 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 713 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #713 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995 10:14:38 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 713 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 708 86 votes 5pvm3 5cnht 9uvf1 mxn80 4rwe9 6dipo 5rpk9 cqsd7 8aonl aqwd5 708 3.0 mean 2.9 3.6 2.6 2.2 3.0 3.6 3.0 2.7 3.5 2.7 --- 713-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Great Oracle, who is nobody's inferior. > > My boss just quit. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tell him off. --- 713-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is it about the female breasts that men find so > attractive/appealing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is in a quandary. He has often been portrayed as a sexist } pig. He does not like this. } } He as often been portrayed as entertaining and witty. He DOES like } this. } } Now, you have come along with THIS question. Unfortunately, anything } funny would necessarily be sexist!! } } I will compromise. I will give you a funny, sexist answer plus a wise, } non-sexist answer. You'll have to decide which is which. } } #1 As secondary sexual characteristics, they naturally differentiate } females from males. As such, men are instinctively attracted to } them. Strains of people whose men are not attracted by breasts } are rapidly weeded out by natural selection. There is a theory } which states that the attraction to the breasts developed from an } attraction to buttocks in the apes from which the humans evolved. } The Oracle is not making any of this up. } } #2 They look kind of like the front end of a football. } } You owe the Oracle a Superbowl ring. --- 713-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most high and mighty, holier than thou Oracle... > > How many roads MUST a man walk down before they call him a man? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Real men don't walk down roads. They drive incredibly huge } pickup trucks with really big tires and enough clearance to } pass over a Hyundai without getting caught up (whip antenna } and country music optional). --- 713-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 1 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, isn't that WONDERFUL? You're such a BIG BOY now! } Now, why don't you go back and see if you can do a } number 2 for Uncle Orrie, ok? --- 713-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Thee great, wise, ultimate being of the Internet, also called The > Oracle, to which I am Your humble servent, > > Regarding The Meaning of Life. > I haven't thought the above out yet, but I ask you: > Where can I get the manual, where can I get another (life that is) and > how much does it cost? > > Your Servant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We are sorry to inform you but replacement manuals for Life(tm) are no } longer available as Life(tm) has been put on permanent hiatus. Be } advised that your name has been placed on a list and in the event that } Life(tm) is resurrected you will be informed of how to order additional } copies of all documentation. In the mean time, please let me take this } opportunity to introduce you to some of our other fine products: } } Life(tm) Discontinued } } Death(tm) $49.95 } Our second biggest seller! [Previously a free bonus with every copy } of Life(tm).] Available in a choice of colors (additional service } charge required for any color other than factory black). } } Disease(tm) Call for pricing } Choose from our huge list of currently available diseases. Special } discounts on all "Choice of Disease + Death" packages. } } ** MANAGER'S SPECIAL ** MANAGER'S SPECIAL ** MANAGER'S SPECIAL ** } Despair(tm) $1.50 (was $32.95) } Due to an accounting error, we've accidentally ordered too much } Despair(tm)! Our misfortune is your good luck! Don't miss out on } this incredible price! } } War(tm) $999.95 (was $153,999.95) } When was the last time you fought a really good battle? It has been } a while hasn't it? We've got too much War(tm) in our warehouse and } with April 15th coming soon, we'd rather sell it to you than pay tax } on it. Additional discounts for bulk orders. Includes unlimited } refills on Death(tm). } } Hope(tm) Out of stock } Sorry, we're currently running low on our supplies of Hope after the } Holiday season. Hope(tm) should be available again in the early } Spring. } } Happiness(tm) If you have to ask, you can't afford it. --- 713-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, do advertisements in magazines contain deliberate > subliminal messages that are suppose to feed on our subconscious mind? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My Dear Supplicant, } } TheS magazineE advertisersN absolutelyD do notT useH subliminalE } messages toO influenceR theirA reader'sC thoughtsL. ManyE of myA } friendsL areL in theY businessO andU ifR they wereM usingO } subliminalN messagesE theyY wouldn't hideN itO fromW me. } } You owe the Oracle whatever monetary donation you feel appropriate. --- 713-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > if it is going to rain And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If it's to rain: the bane of the sane. } But it's plain that rain has pocked your brain. } And your question's one of disdain } Bringing to th'Oracle pain. } } The Oracle most wise brings your demise. } Look to the skies when you next rise. } A cloud of flies will lift your thighs. } Lies? or blabbering UseNet spies? } } No, you failed and are impaled } Nailed by th'Oracle that you hailed. } } - - - - - You owe the Oracle a nail gun. --- 713-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, whose knowlege-base is deeper than the ocean > trenches, who has cataloged every lifeform know and unknown (including > us petty humans) -- harken to my pitiful call for your guidance! > > While exploring some Native American sites in the heartlands of the US, > I recently came upon a curious creature. The antics of the animal > were, I must admit, cute. And my daughter, who had accompanied me on > our expedition, convinced me to let her keep it as a pet. Pray tell, > what is it? I include a sketch I made: > > (\__/) > /O O `. > (O__, \ > / . . ) > |-| '-' \ > .( _( ) > '---.~_ _ _& And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ** ** SCANNING SKETCH ** ** } } Running probability checks... } } Region---> Heartlands of the U.S.A. } } Probablility Chart........ } Buffalo............. 0.9% } Kangaroo............ 1.3% } Gopher.............. 9.3% } Groundhog...........21.5% } Woodchuck...........67.0% } } Running analysis of ASCII characters... } } Character set and usage. } } Probablilty Chart......... } Gopher.............. 0.1% } Bald Eagle.......... 9.6% } Lemur...............27.2% } Woodchuck...........63.1% } } Running analysis of cuteness... } } Parent/Child Cuteness agreement... } } Probability Chart......... } Barney.............-97.4% } Rabbit............. 22.3% } Woodchuck..........174.9% } } Running Quarterback/Defense checkup... } } Probability Chart......... } Stan Humphries...... 2.1% } Steve Young.........97.9% } } Heh heh, whoops.... Super Bowl pick ;) } } Running General Statistical Analysis... } } Woodchuck..........100.0% } } Congratulations, you now are the proud owner of an official woodchuck. } } Let me assist you in the general, basic care of a woodchuck. } } *>ZOT<* } } You owe The San Diego Chargers a lot of help, courtesy of the Oracle. --- 713-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh fabulus Oracle, who's manhood is longer and larger than all of > mankind's combined, who's roundage I am not worthy to calculate, please > listen to my plea. > > I do not know who I am or what I am doing here in this form. However, > I have an owner who wants me to eat some sort of food he calls > "Lasangia". Please tell me, what is Lasangia and how do I microwave it? > > Sincerely yours, > An orange cat with black stripes who's owner calls him "Garfield". And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lasangia is a disease first discovered in Italy in the Roman era. } Little is known about how the disease was transferred into humans, but } it is thought to be linked to repeated exposure to dog drool. } } Lasgania has just a single symptom. It lowers your sense of humor } to a point such that you find feline obesity humor outrageously funny. } Sadly, there is no known cure, nor will sterilization means, such as } microwaving, prevent this disease.. I expect that your owner has been } feeling guilty about your recent weight gain, and is trying to find } humor instead of guilt in your condition. } } Other related diseases to Lasagnia, and their singular symptoms, } include: } } Beetle-Baylia: You would find humor in military screaming and chase } scenes. } } Blondia: Bulimic men with perpetual bad hair days married to } stacked babes become hilarious to you. } } Cathia: Humor is found in stereotypically shallow feminine } behavior. This disease is thought to also have caused the film } "9-to-5" to have been filmed. } } Heathclifia: See Lasgnia } } Marmadukia: (a.k.a Cliffordia) Large, poorly controlled animal } companions become funny. Especially if chairs and newspapers are } involved. } } Ziggia: This is the most extreme version of the Lasgania } diseases. In it, the sufferer actually has no sense of humor, and } often thinking is seriously impaired. Any thought presented to } the sufferer generates smiles and a warm, womb-like feeling. } Shoot sufferers on sight to avoid spreading and to put the victim } out of their misery. } } You owe the Oracle a stairclimber --- 713-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle, master of the Trask parameters and ruler of the > Niggli worms, please answer my humble query. > > What kind of job can I get with a geophysics degree? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And it came to pass, that a group of wise men gathered in the } wilderness to consult the prophet. And it was decided that a great } feast should be prepared to celebrate the occasion. } } Unto the Accountant they prophet sayeth } 'Take this bag of silver, and go unto the village to purchase } grapes' } } Unto the Biochemist the prophet sayeth } 'Take the grapes, and make us wine for the feast' } } Unto the Oceanographer the prophet sayeth } 'Go forth unto the ocean, and gather us some fishes for the feast' } } Unto the Botanist, the prophet sayeth } 'Go forth unto the fields, and gather us grains for the feast' } } Unto the Nutritionist, the prophet sayeth } 'Take the grains, and make us bread for the feast. } } Unto the Geophysicist the prophet sayeth } 'For you who is wise in the ways of the earth I have the most } Important job of all' } } And it came to pass, that a great feast was held in the } Wilderness, a multitude of fishes, and a mountain of bread was } eaten, and an ocean of wine drunk. } } And after the feast, everyone commented on the excellent latrine } pits. } } << The Prophet, incarnated as The Famous Druid } druid@stonehenge.win-uk.net >>