From oracle-request Wed Feb 8 10:07:13 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA28891; Wed, 8 Feb 1995 10:07:13 -0500 Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 10:07:13 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #710 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 710 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #710 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 10:07:13 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 710 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 705 76 votes 5knj9 0qqi6 fsh88 8jjl9 5elme 16got 5dsic 4nnk6 167mE 49xff 705 3.3 mean 3.1 3.1 2.6 3.1 3.3 4.0 3.2 3.0 4.2 3.4 --- 710-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > i'm underdog! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Doug, as you've probably noticed already, it's primarily a } hallucinogen. (You are NOT underdog. If you don't believe me now, wait } a few more hours until the drug wears off.) } } Far more interesting, though, is the way that the drug compresses your } thoughts into the most compact form possible. It took me nearly a } second to comprehend your message, but then all was clear. } } For the non-Oracularly inspired among you, the full text of his } message can be revealed by anagramming the letters of the surface } message. First, the grovel: } } > Unmired God, } } then, the question: } } > [What does the] drug in me do? } } and finally, the signature: } } > Doug D. Miner } } You owe the Oracle a copy of gzip that can do that. --- 710-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 'O wise powerful Thayne Taylor Look Alike Oracle > Why are there so many problems with Hawai'i On- > line? :) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thayne Taylor... you really think so? Pardon me while I glance in the } mirror. Yes, yes, I can see how you might think that. Of course, you } demean me by comparing me to a mortal. I should turn you into a } woodchuck, but I'll let it slide this time. } } Hawaii On-line has been plagued by problems since its inception. Much } of this trouble has arisen due to inadequate education of its users. } Let's take a look at some examples. } } (1) Stack overflow in the Waikiki sector. Thousands of users, } eager to "surf" the Web, failed to observe the usage } timetables posted by the Five-O daemon. As a result, so many } surfboard routines were simultaneously executed that all } processes ground to a halt. } } (2) Inadequate security procedures. Since the customs daemon } was written in BASIC, by a six-year-old, who had never even } been to Hawaii, it was not particularly robust. Hackers were } able to break in using a variety of backdoors, such as "push } past customs agent", "nothing to declare", "^C", and "it's OK, } I'm just here to see the volcano." Needless to say, this } caused some havoc. } } (3) Flame wars. When IsleNet was creating Hawaii On-line, they } were foolish enough to sell the volcano contract to Prometheus } Systems. Not surprisingly, it wasn't long before the users } were slinging flaming globs of molten lava at one another. } Not to mention the giant bins of hot coals in the luau sector. } Those grass skirts burn like tinder, I might add. Things } really got hot once the Kauai Committee for Public Decency got } in the act. } } On the other hand, it was not quite as bad as it sounds. The number of } shark daemons increased ten thousand-fold shortly after a hacker named } Tikitikitava broke into the system. This did wonders for the crowds at } Waikiki, and almost all the excess sharks promptly died of indigestion, } restoring the balance of the eco-simulator. } } To sum up, Hawaii On-line neither made nor enforced enough rules to run } efficiently. By contrast, Eastern Block On-line has had the opposite } problem. } } You owe the Oracle a one-year subscription to Delphi. --- 710-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most wise Oracle who makes that lot at Delphi look like a bunch of > real losers, please answer me this > > What color is the sky in your world? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle looks upward, sees the sky a shade of pinky-orangey-peachy, } and blushes slightly. With a few mouse clicks a window appears on The } Oracular XTerm with sliders for red/blue/green. A flash of mousework } follows.... } } Supplicant, it's a really masculine deep blue colour, bluer than the } clearest stretch of tropical ocean. } } You owe The Oracle a re-education video for birds. --- 710-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh, most wonderful and scrumpdillyicious Oracle, which flavor of Ben > and Jerry's ice cream shall i try first? i've never had it before. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You really don't have much coice in the matter; Ben usually can } be seen eating Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, while Jerry's favorite is, } of course, Cherry Garcia. } } Of course, neither Ben nor Jerry will appreciate you walking up } to them and simply stealing their ice cream out of their hands. You } might try asking first, and be content with what they give you. } } You owe the Oracle controlling interest in Breyer's Ice Cream, Inc. --- 710-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yawink dwaddle trusit plink daw gont oint quop pims? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The immediately obvious answer, of course, is "." } } However, if you take a bit of time to think the implications through, } you'll see that actually, that is a gross over-simplification and that } many cognizent factors have been overlooked. What about "mairzydoats } andozeedoats?" What of "Ying tong iddle eye po?" And there's always } the classic "Nie!" } } However, I think that Spider Robinson perhaps said it best when he told } us a gripping tale of espionage and comedy gone sadly wrong. It seems } that a Soviet spy ring had been operating from the cover of the Monty } Python fan group at Ramstein Air Force Base. The fan group would every } couple of months print up a 64 page book entitled "Spam" (named after } their favorite sketch) filled with nothing but "Spam, spam, spam, spam, } spam, spam, spam..." You get the point. } } Anyway, imagine the numbing effect that this would have on the guards } who would inspect the thousand copies that would be shipped out all } over the world by the fan group on a bimonthly basis. The spies would } insert their coded message in the form of pinpricks on one of the pages } of one of the shipments. They were only caught recently by a Soviet } defector. } } The moral of the story -- and, not coincientally, the answer to your } question -- is this: } } "No one inspects the Spammish Repetition." } } You owe the Oracle nothing for this; imagining the agony inflicted upon } you by getting this answer is all the payment I need. --- 710-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, whose party gags are always funny, even if they > involve lamp-shades, and whose pickup lines are always succesfull, even > if they involve the Zodiac, please enlighten your supplicant on the > following: > > What is the best pickup line in history? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } after years of careful observation, I have come up with this: } } Hi Baby, want to have sex? } } Thank you, thank you! --- 710-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will we get beautiful kittens from Strolch, the most gorgeous and > wisest of all Siamese cats ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Felicitous Philanderer-- } Of course (wheeze) you w-w-will-ATCHOO!! T-t-the } Sia-sia-(wheeeeze)-meese (pant,pant) bhreeds, beeyoodifully. ATCHOO! } ATCHOO! } } You owe De Oracle One Good (wheeze) dose ub anyhistameen. --- 710-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can one categorically say that penguins ARE happier than > chickens? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Consider the results of a recent survey: } } Species: Chicken } Abode: One room coop, with chicken-wire patio } Occupation: Laying eggs, one per day } Hobbies: Pecking at other chickens' feet; pecking at own feet; } staring up into the sky when it rains } Party activities: Pecking at other chickens' feet; pecking at own feet } Last book read: Jonathan Livingston Seagull } } Species: Penguin } Abode: Ice floe } Occupation: None } Hobbies: Catching fish, sliding on the snow } Party activities: Twister, dipping flippers in glass to play with the } ice cubes, making up penguin jokes } Last book read: Watership Down } } Penguins, on average, are 78% happier than chickens. } } You owe the Oracle a Number 2 pencil and three sheets of scratch } paper. --- 710-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ferret and Coon > Attorneys at Law > Washington DC > U.N. Oracle > University of Chicago > Chicago, Illinois. > > Dear Mr. Oracle, > > We are writing to inform you of an impending class-action lawsuit filed > by the Society for Groundhog Preservation (SGP) on behalf of the > species Arctomys monax. > > SGP claims that you have subjected Arctomys monax to wrongful Zotting > and attempted genocide. Individuals have reported that your practices > are responsible for symptoms including, but not limited to: > > Sterilization > Loss of appetite > Electrocution > Depression > Muscle spasms > Blindness > Epilepsy > Halitosis > Birth defects > Death > > Furthermore, the species Arctomys monax has actively done nothing to > warrant such persecution. In particular, members of Arctomys monax > should not be held accountable for their inability to process lumber; > nor can they be blamed for the linguistic confusion of the species Homo > sapien. > > Pending action on the lawsuit, we have obtained a temporary restraining > order forbidding any and all Zotting of members of Arctomys monax, SGP, > or the attorneys representing said parties. > > We are requesting damages amounting to five hundred thousand (500,000) > cords of chucked wood. > > Sincerely yours, > Ferret and Coon > Attorneys at Law > Washington DC And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dewey, Cheatum, & Howe } Legal Eagles } New York, NY } Ferret and Coon } Attorneys at Law } Washington DC } } Dear Sirs: } } Surely you must have better things to do than to extort lumber } from a poor, omniscient being who has devoted his entire life } to answering the questions that torture mankind. If you insist } on bringing this silly lawsuit to court, it will be instantly } thrown out due to the following: } } 1. You are harassing the wrong Oracle. Our client is } T.U. Oracle and lives in INDIANA, not ILLINOIS. We } suggest that you send your threats to the right } person next time. } } 2. Our client has NEVER zotted any woodland creature and } even if he had, you have no proof. } } 3. Our client is not responsible for some of the more } zealous actions of a lunatic fringe with serious } unresolved childhood issues. } } 4. Woodchucks have always had halitosis. They wouldn't } know a Tic-Tac if it bit them in the a**. } } 5. Our client is familiar with the seedy motel where the } judge goes to "deliberate". } } 6. Our client knows about that little slush fund of yours } that you've neglected to mention to the IRS. } } 7. Our client knows about the SGP's frequent woodchuck } parties and the various unmentionable acts that occur } during said events. } } 8. Our client is an immortal deity and therefore not } subject to the laws of man. } } In response to this ridiculous and groundless harrassment, we } are counter-suing for the sum of $1 million, court costs, and } the right to *ZOT* those who bring lawsuits against the Oracle. } We can't wait to see you in court. You haven't got a prayer. } } Disrespectfully yours, } } Annie Howe } Partner --- 710-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does it actually feel good to lick a frozen flagpole? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Oracality Central. The supplicant has been transported to stand in } front of the Oracle himself. Naturally, he has been supplied with } Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses to protect himself from the Oracle's } brillance. The crowd behind him cheers and applauds as the Oracle } sits on a la-z-boy and puts his feet up, then grows silent as the } Oracle raises a hand and points to the supplicant.] } } Oracle: Naughty, naughty supplicant... do you not deem me, the } ever-present Oracle, worthy of even the simplest grovel? } } [People in the background start to hiss and boo.] } } Supplicant: [panicked look] Uh, well... you know... my parents } were both Pepsi addicts, and I was abused by a woodchuck } as a baby... } } Oracle: That is no excuse for a downright hearty grovel, however. } } Supplicant: [hangs head] I'm sorry! Really! I'll make it up to you! } I promise! } } [Background chanting of "Zot! Zot! Zot!" begins.] } } Oracle: [to crowd] Alright, that's enough. Go home... nothing to } see here. } } [As the crowd disperses, the mighty Oracle gets up and walks over to } where the supplicant stands, his Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses completely } blackened.] } } Oracle: [pats supplicant on shoulder] Look, I can understand if it } was just your first question. [snaps fingers, la-z-boy appears } behind him] Why don't you have a seat, and we'll talk about } this, ok? [removes supplicant's sunglasses] } } Supplicant: [sitting down slowly] O- ok... } } Oracle: [walks around la-z-boy] All right, as I see it, you just } wanted to know if it actually felt good to lick a frozen } flagpole. Let me ask you something... how does it feel to lick } a popsicle? } } Supplicant: [cheerily] Pretty good! Especially the grape ones, they're } always... } } [Oracle cuts off supplicant with a look.] } } Oracle: So it feels good. And what about licking frozen yogurt? } Does that make you feel good? } } Supplicant: [nods] Yes, I 'spose. } } Oracle: Good, good. Do you always do things that make you feel good? } } Supplicant: Well, I try to, but sometimes... } } Oracle: [interrupting] Well, that's all fine and dandy, isn't it. } [pauses] Now do you remember any of your geometry? } } Supplicant: [nods vigourously] Yeah! } } Oracle: And so you know that if two triangles have similar sides, } angles, etc. they themselves must be similar, right? } } Supplicant: Well... } } Oracle: Well, look at a popsicle and a flagpole. Other than size } and color, they're similar shapes, similar temperatures, similar } textures... } } Supplicant: [interrupting] But what does that have to do with frozen } yogurt? } } Oracle: [glares] Never interrupt the Oracle when I'm on a roll, } supplicant. [pauses, clears throat] As I was saying, the } popsicle and flagpole have similar qualities, therefore they } must be similar. Obviously, licking a popsicle makes one feel } good, therefore, by simple geometry, licking a frozen flagpole } must have the same effect. } } Supplicant: [nods] Okaaay, but... } } [The Oracle snaps his fingers and the la-z-boy disappears out from } under the supplicant, who crashes to the floor. Next to the supplicant } is a frozen flagpole.] } } Oracle: Go ahead. Give it a try. [smiles warmly] I'll be right here } the entire time. } } [The supplicant looks at the Oracle for a moment, then tentatively } sticks his tongue out and licks the frozen flagpole.] } } Supplicant: AAAAAAA!!!! I'm sthuck!! } } Oracle: Hmm. But does it feel good? } } Supplicant: NO!! Hellth me get unsthuck!! } } Oracle: [walking away] I was sure that it would... it was all so } logical... } } [The Oracle snaps his fingers and a book entitled _Math Analysis and } Logic For Engineers_ appears. He flips through the pages quickly as } he walks out of the chamber.] } } Supplicant: HEY!! Ahn't thew gointh to hellth me?? } } Oracle: [muttering] Two questions without groveling?? [sighs] People } just don't have any manners anymore... } } [*ZOT*] } } You owe the Oracle a bucket of warm water and a case of cherry } popsicles.