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Subject: Usenet Oracularities #707
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=== 707 ==================================================================
Title: Usenet Oracularities #707
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 23 Jan 1995 08:53:44 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    707
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

702  68 votes  eacei 6goi4 66jne 1gqi7 3kne8 igi79 5khj7 3goeb cerd2 9eog5
702  3.0 mean   3.2   3.0   3.5   3.2   3.1   2.6   3.0   3.2   2.7   2.9

--- 707-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Who are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question clearly belongs to the Set of Philosophical Ponderings
} S_pp which we all sooner or later are going to ask ourselves. Questions
} like: Who am I? What am I here for? Where do I come from? Where do I go
} and why am I only travelling second class?
}
} These should not be confused with those belonging to the Set of Trivial
} Forgetfullness, say: Did I forget to switch off the iron? How old am I?
} Why did I put the newspaper in the fridge? Did P actually equal NP?
}
} But indeed, as an oracle, I have often asked myself your very question:
} "Who am I?" and when I did, the voices in my head always got into a
} fight:
}
}    (General shouting)
}
}    - QUIET! We have just received a broadcast packet on the spinal cord
}      backbone from the cerebral cortex. It says: "Who am I?".
}
}    - Oh, no, not agaiiiin! I thought he *was* through his midway
}      crisis, I mean after all, the mid-life of an oracle only lasts so
}      many million years.
}
}    - Yeah, yeah. But, hey, let's not forget that he had a hard time
}      last month trying to explain to his wife that he did in fact NOT
}      open the Christmas presents before the 25'th, he just *knew* what
}      was in them. So, let's not be rough on him.
}
}    - Okay, he wants to know who he is. Any ideas?
}
}    - I say, let's make him believe that he is O. J. Simpson, that
}      should prove to be some fun. Or Papa Smurf perhaps?
}
}    - Voice 5, stop being childish. And Voice 3, will you please stop
}      hitting Voice 2 with your microphone... Thank you.
}
}    - Now, where were I..
}
}    - Der Blitz ist an der Flachmatuche.
}
}    - And you! Stop synchronizing in bad German. PLEASE! Suggestions?
}
}    - The Surgeon General says that you are what you eat!
}
}    - Which would make him an infant virgin at fullmoon? I don't think
}      so!
}
}    - HEY! Listen.. Instead of this fight why don't we just find an
}      answer which will make him happy, so we can get back and watch the
}      Super Bowl?
}
}    - Yeah!
}
}    - Great idea..
}
}    - Hear, hear!
}
}    ....
}
} I have been pondering upon your question deeply, and thus is my answer:
}
}    Ich bin ein Berliner.
}
} Huh?

--- 707-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle,
>
> Is there anybody else in this galaxy besides us? And if there are why
> haven't they contacted us yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why yes, splurgeous supplicant, it just so happens that I also answer
} questions for a curious race of bipedal beings on a blue-green planet
} with a yellow sun over in the opposite arm of the Galaxy. I'm not sure
} you'd really call them intelligent though.
}
} As for why they haven't been in touch, they're a bit confused; some
} want to build giant radiotelescopes, others reckon on the power of
} their minds (bit of a joke really)...however they did launch a thing
} called Voyager which should reach these parts in a few billion years,
} more by luck than judgement.
}
} I could always pass on a message for you; but you'd probably wipe each
} other out in a war over who gets to change all their internet
} addresses.
}
} You owe the Oracle a break from all those questions about sproolgeeps.

--- 707-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle and god,
> Who protects us and guides us.
> Greater than Elvis,
> and stronger than most composite metals -
> Answer this question, dammit!
> (Sorry - that was a typo - forgive me.)
>
> If the U.S. hadn't gotten involved in WWII, Ronald Reagan wouldn't
> have been able to act in all thsoe cheesy WWII movies. Would he still
> have been president? If not, who else? Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Orrie!"
}
} Yes Lisa?
}
} "It's the screenwriters of 'The Philadelphia Experiment III' on
} the line.  They're looking for more plot twists."
}
} Ehhhh....*ZOT* 'em.  I'm composing my reply back to Bill Gates
} regarding his recent purchase of the CIA.
}
} "But Orrie...he included a halfway decent grovel.  He even compared
} you to The King."
}
} Does he mention woodchucks?
}
} "Nope.  Get this...'Who protects us and guides us.'"
}
} Hummm...catchy.  Lemme see.  (reads over Lisa's shoulder)  Hummm,
} the Big Guy could get a little miffed about the first line, though.
} Hey, what's this "dammit" stuff?
}
} "It's a typo, dear."
}
} Welll....okay.  Lemme fire off a quick reply then.
}
} DEAR SUPPLICANT:
}   If the US hasn't gotten involved in WWII, then you would be referring
} to me as "Herr Orakle" anyway.  Ronald Reagan would be dead at this
} point, shot to death while staging a heroic raid with Bob Dole on the
} State Of California Gestapo Headquarters.  The President would have a
} fondness to Sauerkraut, if you catch my drift.  And the national mascot
} would have been changed from a Eagle to a Lemur.
}
}  You owe the Oracle some Polish Sausage and a map to the Eastern Front.

--- 707-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Who is your grany ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tsk, Tsk, Tsk...
}
} To begin with I'll ignore the fact that you didn't fill your weekly
} grovelling quotient (grabs a clipboard and, with a discouraging nod,
} makes some notes).  Second, I'll ignore the fact that you are obviously
} unable to spell the word GRAVY.
}
} But, I, the Usenet Oracle, will overlook your shortcomings and tell you
} who my gravy is.
}
} My preferred gravy is Heinz(tm) Homestyle beef gravy.  Not only is it
} the most personable, but the little lumps are just adorable, and I
} can't wait until they grow up to be big lumps and perhaps become
} President of the United States.
}
} I also was always partial to that delicious, yet enigmatic, yellow
} gravy that is served in fine high school eating establishments across
} the country.  This gravy isn't as talkative, however.  I still cannot
} get any response but "yellow" when I ask it what flavor it is, so I
} doubt it would be any challenge in the Presidential debates.
}
} Finally, in a pinch, I could eat Gravy Train(tm) Dog Food.  Sure, it's
} not TECHNICALLY gravy, but the watered-down bits of leftover horse
} parts and pig lips go down well with my evening glass of champagne.  I
} don't see Gravy Train ever becoming President, but that office is
} usually left for the ambitious ones, anyway.
}
} ***  You owe the Oracle a truckload of horse parts and pig lips, and a
} bottle of good, dry, champagne.

--- 707-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I've been asked to write a "System and Software Requirements
> Specification" document for a customer, but can't really talk to them
> about it.  Can you give me some good requirements?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CUSTOMER V1.0
} -------------
} System and Software Requirements Specification
} ----------------------------------------------
}
} Section (1): User Interface
}
} The prime function of the Customer is to interface at one side with
} information from the advertizing media, and at the other with the
} points of sale of retail outlets. To this end, they should have
} sufficient media literacy to take in a message from a TV screen, and
} sufficient dexterity to use a credit card.
}
} Section (2): Processing capability
}
} Adverts should be assessed on the basis of style, glamour and the use
} of vintage pop tunes subsequently re-released and becoming hits.
}
} Product desirability is assessed as a function of "bang per buck" and
} is unrelated to actual function.
}
} Arithmetic ability need be accurate only to 20%, as this is the amount
} by which credit card companies will up your limit if you accidentally
} go over. Pentium processors are therefore specified.
}
} Section (3): System security
}
} Sociological analysis of adverts must occasionally be performed for
} self-image maintenance, but should take no more than 1% of run time.
}
} Comparison of income with credit repayments should occur at random
} intervals.
}
} It is confidentially recommended that a "gullibility trap" should be
} provided allowing guaranteed uncritical response to adverts when this
} is deemed in the national interest.
} -----
}
} You owe the oracle an anti-virus package to remove the Woodchuck virus
} from Supplicant 3.1.

--- 707-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How big is Gordon's head?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yo Supplicant dude:
}
} Gordon's head is soooooooo big that when he passed the satellite store
} he said, "hey, are those hats on sale?"
}
} You owe the Oracle a dozen dozen's and a couple of snaps!

--- 707-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, don't just gape!  Ask a question!  Come on!  I don't have all
} day, you know!  There's other people what have a better idea what they
} want waitin' as well!  Oh, forget it.
}
} Priests, remove this quivering doofus.  Priests?  Hey!  Priests!  What
} the heck?  Is it coffee break already?
}
} Hello?  Anybody here at all?  Typical.  Everybody takes off and leaves
} me to handle the whole show.  Can't even leave a decent supplicant
} here to occupy my time.
}
} You know, it's just as well you turned mute.  You'd probably have
} asked some stupid question and been blasted back where you came from.
} The little pile of ashes you people always leave behind has clogged up
} three of those industrial vacuum systems they advertise on TV.  Those
} things aren't cheap, either.
}
} >sigh<
}
} I may as well go for coffee, too.  This place is like The Void when
} everyone's gone.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better vacuum than the one that came with this
} question.

--- 707-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Will I pull out to a b- in chemistry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Mad Dog cruised the sky.  He was the flight leader today, but so
} far his patrol showed no signs of trouble.  He glanced over at his
} wingman, Cold Cock.  Between him and Cold Cock, it would be hard to
} miss anything.
}
}   Mad Dog glanced at the radar.  The F-31 "Beerguzzler" had an
} exceptioally sensitive unit, good for 100 miles, but there was no
} activity... Wait a minute... Uh oh, three  blips, closing fast.
}
} "Cold Cock, you see 'em?"
}
} "Roger, Mad Dog.  Closin' fast."
}
} "Accelerate to attack speed and arm your weapons."
}
}   Soon the enemy fighters were in visual range.  Mad Dog got a good
} look at them.  MiGs.  MiG-43 "Graduates", to be exact, and they bore
} the red-ink insignia of the elite Khemistroika unit.  This was going to
} be trouble.
}
} "Mad Dog, one's on my tail!", screamed Cold Cock through the radio.
}
} "Hang on, buddy!"
}
}   Mad Dog swooped in behind the MiG that was tailing Cold Cock.  He
} armed a missle, targeted, and fired.  It went wide to the left and
} missed.
}
} "Mad Dog, what happened?!", said Cold Cock.
}
} "I don't know, I fired a No. 4 missle at him that should have hit,
} but it didn't connect"
}
} "They're using Scantron scramblers, Mad Dog.  You have to use a No. 2
} only!!!"
}
}   Mad Dog armed the No. 2 missles, but his momentary mistake was about
} to cost him.  The MiG had hit Cold Cock's fighter.
}
} "Mad Dog, I'm going down!"
}
} "Eject!! Eject!!"
}
} "I can't!  Ejection has failed! All my answers have failed!"
}
}   Mad Dog's stomach churned as Cold Cock's jet hit the ocean below and
} exploded, sending up a geyser of spray.  Then his own jet lurched.  It
} began to fall towards the ocean.
}
}   A foreign voice came over the radio.  "I see that two are going to
} fail their finals today!"  Go to hell, Mad Dog thought.  Then his
} attention turned back to his current dilemma
}
}   Pull out!, pull out!  Thirty seconds to impact.  Mad Dog's mind
} raced. He strained on the controls, trying to level the crippled
} aircraft. Fifteen seconds.  The airplane started to come out of it's
} deadly dive. Five seconds.  Got it!  The fighter leveled just fifty
} feet above the water. Mad Dog kicked in the afterburners and raced for
} home.
}
}   The foreign voice came back over the radio.  "You may get away, but
} your squadron be minus one now.  Remember that, American."
}
}  I will., thought Mad Dog.

--- 707-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why can't we win?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Odin looked up.  "What was that?"
}
} The silence lingered.  The other gods looked uncomfortable.
} "All right, who said that?" Odin demanded.  After a few more
} seconds, a lesser diety stepped forward.  "Now," said Odin,
} glaring at the upstart with his good eye, "WHAT did you say?"
}
} "I said, 'Why can't we win?'"
}
} "Because we're SUPPOSED to lose, you idiot!  It's in any basic
} textbook on Norse mythology!" Odin raved.  "I never heard such
} a STUPID question in my life!  I ought to--"  Odin hesitated as
} Loki leaned over to whisper into his ear.  After a moment, Odin
} grinned maliciously.  "What's your name, son?"
}
} "Oracle."
}
} "Oracle, you won't be coming to Ragnarok with the rest of us.
} I have something else in mind for you, something more in line
} with your, ah, talent for asking questions...."
}                               *
}
} And thank you SO much for reminding Me of that little episode.
} You owe the Oracle an eye.

--- 707-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>   Great Oracle, whose turgidity launched a thousand theses, please
> quench my thirst for knowledge.
>
>   How high does the 'bad luck' plane of black cats operate?  For
> instance, if a black cat crossed the intersection of 3rd and Elm, would
> it interfere with aircraft?  If a cat laid down on its side and did the
> "Curly Spin", would it affect the entire planet?  What happens if the
> orbit of an alien homeworld crosses the 'bad luck' plane?  If space is
> really curved, are we all actually in the middle of the 'bad luck'
> plane of every cat in the universe?  I'm getting paranoid!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just a moment while I crank up my Cray....
}
} [a moment]
}
} Interesting.  It seems as though every point in the universe
} is crossed by the plane of a black cat with two exceptions.
} One occurs at a familiar address here in Indiana and the
} other seems to float about so as to constantly contain David
} Copperfield.  This explains much.  If you want to know more,
} you can read my soon-to-be-Nobel-Prize winning paper in next
} month's issue of AIR.