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Subject: Usenet Oracularities #706
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=== 706 ==================================================================
Title: Usenet Oracularities #706
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 1995 12:03:49 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    706
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

701  56 votes  6oi80 2jq81 1fgdb 8ddg6 7i6eb 4gkc4 7eed8 7ggc5 5cgf8 gfb77
701  2.9 mean   2.5   2.8   3.3   3.0   3.1   2.9   3.0   2.9   3.2   2.5

--- 706-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How do I become an internet provider?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (IMPRESSIVE SOUNDING THEME MUSIC: Bud-dum-dum-dum DUM,
} buh-dum-dum-dum-DUM!) "Hello, my name is John Walsh, and welcome to
} America's Most Wanted. Tonight's special guest criminal:  He's known in
} some circles as the Supplicant Of Sam, and his crime is....providing
} Internet!  Before we spotlight this monster and his reign of terror,
} let's interview some other convicted Internet Providers."
}
} (Scene changes to a prison cell.  A man in thick glasses dressed in a
} bright orange prison uniform stamped "MAXIMUM SECURITY" sits, fidgiting
} nervously)
}
} JOHN WALSH: "Here we are Ohio State Penn, talking to the infamous
} founder of the 'Cleaveland Crime-Net', and who was a Internet Provider
} to thousands of people, including children.  So, why did you ever start
} pushing Internet?"
}
} PRISONER: "Well John, there's always going to be a demand for Net
} Access.  I just game the people what they wanted."
}
} JW: "Let me get this straight...you knowingly provided Internet to
} children and pregnant women?"
}
} PRISONER: "They wanted to buy, I wanted to give it to them.  It's the
} American Way, right?  Hey, it's not my problem..."
}
} JW: "Oh, puh-leeze.  There are Net.Junkies out there who would sell
} their mother's own teeth for their own newsgroup!"
}
} PRISONER: "Let's get something straight, John.  It's okay for the
} MegaCorps like Prodigy and Compuserve to poison millions of people's
} minds, but if a free enterpriser like me tries to get a piece of the
} pie, well, that's wrong? I didn't FORCE these people to log on.  They
} did that on their own.  Hell, the folks down at AOL should be lined up
} and shot then..."
}
} JW: "You disgust me."
}
} (scene fades back to the America's Most Wanted set)
}
} JOHN WALSH: "So, reports indicate that the fiend we're looking for
} (picture of supplicant comes on the screen) was last heard from trying
} to set up illegal net connections from South America.  His plot was
} foiled when the FCC raid turned up the EtherNet cards he was trying to
} smuggle in, hidden in bags of cocaine.  But those specially-trained
} bloodhounds owned by the FCC can sniff out circuit boards right through
} ANYTHING.  But he got away, but we think he's somewhere in California
} trying to establish a FTP sight... (holds up hand to microphone in ear)
} What?  Folks!  I just received a report that a Federal Marshall who's
} been tracking his has caught up to him at the Hoover Dam! Let's go to a
} live feed.."
}
} (scene abruptly changes to the interior of a large drain-pipe inside of
} the Hoover Dam. The Supplicant is at the very edge of the pipe, looking
} down at least a 200 foot drop into the raging waters below.  In front
} of him is a US Federal Marshall, dressed in black, pointing a handgun
} at him.)
}
} MARSHALL: "Get down!"
} SUPPLICANT: "But...I didn't do it..."
} MARSHALL: "I don't care."
} (Supplicant hesitates, looks at the drop behind him, and dives out of
} the pipe into the maelstrom below, as the Marshall looks in stunned
} disbelief.)
} SUPPLICANT: (fading) "..all I wanted was my own domain naaaammmee..."
}
} You owe the Oracle the address of the local Internet Anonymous chapter.

--- 706-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Here on Earth, we humans play "God Games",
> like Civilization and Populous.
>
> Up on Olympus, some of the lesser gods
> have to do the same sort of thing for real,
> to earn their keep;
> but the Oracle is above all that.
>
> O great Oracle, who is free from all compulsion,
> I beg you to enlighten me:
>
> I was playing Civilization, and I got this big headline about
> "Religion cancels effect of Oracle".
>
> Just what *was* your effect before it got cancelled?
>
> P.S. I patched my CIV.EXE from
>       2b00 1400 3600 0e00 0d00 1d00 2200 7f00
> to    2b00 1400 3600 0e00 0d00 7f00 2200 7f00
> and now the Oracle lasts forever...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, it is nice to see people making constructive use of their
} time for once. and so I will give you a quick and succint answer to
} your question.
}
} In the final version of Civilisation, the Oracle increases the effect
} of Temples until Religion is invented. However, the original version of
} Civilisation was considerably larger than the one released in the
} shops, featuring many more discoveries and improvements.
}
} The most important of these was as follows:
}
} Civilopaedia entry: Internet
}
} The INTERNET is one of the most important discoveries in the history of
} Civilisation. It was the first true mass communication system, and soon
} replaced outdated concepts like TELEVISION and WRITING. The major
} advantage of the INTERNET is that it allows the construction of the
} ORACLE wonder.
}
} Requires: Computers, Coffee, Space Travel
}
} Allows: Oracle Wonder
}
} Civilopaedia entry: Oracle Wonder
}
} The USENET ORACLE is the greatest of the nineteen classical wonders of
} the world. Given a sufficient supply of COFFEE it can solve all the
} problems of Civilisation at no cost. The development of the INTERNET
} led to the availability of this service increasing to such an extent
} that it could reach everybody. This wonder makes all your citizens
} happy, increases the movement rating of all troops by 6, makes your
} cities invulnerable to attack and makes all other nations offer to make
} peace.
}
} Requires: Internet
}
} Cost: 600 shields and 500 gallons of coffee
} Maintenance: 4o/turn
}
} You owe the Oracle 4o.

--- 706-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>       Oh great Oracular one!  Please, please, pretty please answer my
> question...
>
>       Is it better to do the right things for the wrong reasons, or to
> do the wrong things for the right reasons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle always believes in teaching by example, so:
}
} Action                 Right Reason            Wrong Reason
} ------                 ------------            ------------
} Fighting a war.        Truth, justice, and     Compensation for feelings
}                        freedom.                of inadequacy due to
}                                                small sexual organ.
}
} Wearing underwear      Fun and games with      Own underwear dirty.
} designed for the       your partner.
} opposite sex.
}
} Sacrificing your       Saving your family      Compensating for some
} life.                  and loved ones.         politician's feelings of
}                                                inadequacy due to small
}                                                sexual organ.
}
} Owning a pet.          Companionship.          Fried in butter and
}                                                freshly squeezed garlic.
}
} Cleaning up after      Civic responsibility.   Transferral to neigh-
} your pet soils the                             bour's lawn/mailbox.
} sidewalk.
}
} Getting good grades.   Brains and hard work.   Computer Input Error.
}
} Robbing the Rich.      Giving to the Poor.     Bored after finding the
}                                                Poor too easy a mark.
}
} Getting married.       Love, companionship,    Fantasies of committing
}                        togetherness, kids.     adultery.
}
} Number 1 hit single.   Melody, rhythm,         "Blobby Blobby Blobby".
}                        performance.
}
} Asking questions of    Thirst for knowledge.   Believing that The Oracle
} The Oracle.                                    truly can solve that bug
}                                                in your makefile.
}
} You owe The Oracle $1.25, but *not* out of your mother's purse!

--- 706-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Great Oracle..
>
> This week I have finals here at South Gwinnett High school.
> Do you have any advise to pass my classes.  I have a 69.6 in english, a
> 100 in band, a 68.8 in Chemistry, a 74  in German, a 68.4 in World
> History, and a 64.4 in Algebra 2.  Help me oh wise Oracle!  What am I
> to do?
>
> matthew_v_redfoot@sghs.edu

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, something must be done *picks up phone*
}
} RING
}
} RING
}
} {nasal receptionist} "Hello, South Gwinnet High School, Margery
} speaking..."
}
} {Oracle} "Yes, hello, Oracle here, supreme ultimate uber-being of the
}           universe. I understand you have a Matthew V. Redfoot in
}           attendance there?"
}
} {Marge} "Why, y-yes, Mr. oracle ..."
}
} {Orrie} "Everything's fine, Margery, relax, there's a good lass, no
}          *ZOT*ting today, I just want to clear up this little matter of
}          Michael's grades.
}
} {Marge} "Oh ... I'm afraid they're not terribly good, Mr. Oracle"
}
} {Orrie} "Mm-hmmm, well that--"
}
} {Marge} "He's a *nice* boy, Mr. Oracle, and plays a lovely oboe, makes
}          you weep to hear it ... but he just doesn't *apply* himself in
}          his other classes ... especially Algebra 2--"
}
} {Orrie} "MARGE!"
}
} {Marge} *quivers audibly*
}
} {Orrie} "Listen carefully, Marge ... Matthew V. Redfoot is a musical
}          *genius* ... that oboe that makes you weep is *wasted* on South
}          Gwinnett High School.  Mike is one of the most talented oboe
}          players in the *world* do you understand me?
}
} {Marge} "Well, I don't know about that, Mr. Or--"
}
} {Orrie} *growls inarticulately in movie-monster-voice*
}
} {Marge} "Well, he *is* only second chair, Mr. Oracle, and little Lacey
}          Liebchen who has first chair gets all Bs ...
}
} {Orrie} "Liebchen, you say?   Cheerleader?  Officer in a dozen
}          different clubs? You honestly believe she's ever *earned* a
}          single grade in her life??"
}
} {Marge} *icily* "What are you implying, Mr. Oracle?
}
} {Orrie} "Marge, let me tell you something ... sometimes genius isn't
}          cute. Sometimes it's not perky and it doesn't giggle and it
}          isn't president of the student-freaking-council, you got me?
}          *Sometimes* genius looks exactly like Matthew V. Redfoot."
}
} {Marge} "Sometimes genius has acne, you mean?"
}
} {Orrie} "Yes, in fact, it usually does.  Bad skin and genuine, pure
}          talent are on the same gene, you see.  Now, do you really want
}          South Gwinnett High School to get the reputation for
}          suppressing true genius?"
}
} {Marge} "Well, no ... we're quite proud of the reputation we have now
}          as the best-landscaped school in the district.
}
} {Orrie} "Good.  Then listen carefully ... *whispers*
}
} {Marge} "mm hmm ... oh!  I couldn't ... well, of course I love my 16
}          cats ... no!  please not my fluffy! ... *sobs* Yes!  I'll do
}          it!  ... Goodbye Mr, Oracle ...
}
} Well, there you go, Mikey ... you can expect a pleasant surprise when
} you get your report card.  Either that, or you'll be able to break the
} bad news to Mom along with a new fur coat in a delightful shade of
} tabby.
}
} Now, about this Lacey Liebchen ... how about if I make her fall madly
} in love with you and start planning your wedding even though you only
} want to be friends (or casual dating partners) so that you can dump her
} cruelly and mercilessly? Yeah ... that's just the ticket.
}
} You owe the Oracle the number of SGHS's groundskeeper ... Indiana's
} still in that "big purple cabbage" phase of landscaping ...

--- 706-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: engel@colossus.San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> who understands the tax code of all nations,
> who always knows where it is at, whatever it
> may happen to be.
>
> Please find enclosed a sample box of our
> new Black Woodchuck ammunition.  It is available
> in .38, .45, 9mm, and of course .ZOT!  It is
> guaranteed to leave absolutely no trace of the
> little devils.
>
> If you like our product, more is available in
> mil-spec packaging at US $10,000 / box 50.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> A. Supp Licant
> President of Sales, Improbable Arms Industries
>
> PS regarding the "Black Rhino" ammunition being offered
> by our competitors--  We at Improbable Arms Industries
> do not recommend shooting at a Rhinoceros with any sort
> of a handgun.  They get moody when their lunch is
> interrupted.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...
}
} <the Oracle goes to his gun cabinet, pulls out his trusty .38 and loads
} <it with Black Woodchuck ammunition. The Oracle walks out the back door
} <of his study and walks to his woodchuck range.
}
} Pull!
}
} <A woodchuck files across the field in front of the oracle, who quickly
} <takes aim and fires, whereupon a golfball sized hole appears in the
} <woodchucks forehead.
}
} Not bad, but a little underpowered.
}
} <The oracle next retrieves his .45 Colt and loads it with Black
} <Woodchuck ammunition. returning to the range he shouts...
}
} Pull!
}
} <Two woodchucks fly across the field, and the Oracle squeezes off
} <fires, both of the woodchucks heads disappearing into a fine red mist.
}
} Much, much better! Still, something is lacking.
}
} <The Oracle goes to his gun closet and retrieves his double barreled
} <sawed-off Zot!gun, breaks it open and loads it with Zot gauge Black
} <Woodchuck shells. He returns to the range and again shouts...
}
} Pull!
}
} <A solitary woodchuck flies across the field. The Oracle, firing from
} <the hip, discharges both barrels at the hapless creature. The
} <woodchuck glows bright orange for a nanosecond, and the ceases to
} <exist.
}
} Yes! Excellent! Just the thing for those pesky supplicants. Why, I
} might even have time for a nice leisurely hunting trip!
}
} Why, I think I might just order some. Hmmm, $10,000 a box, that's a
} little steep. I Think I'll just...
}
} <At exactly that moment, a freak cosmic happenstance causes a small
} <comet to veer off course and crash into the Earth's atmosphere. Most
} <of the comet is destroyed by rentry, but a small fragment survives,
} <and, by amazing coincidence, crashes throught the roof of Improbable
} <Arms Industries, smashing the Nuclear-tipped Cruise Missile assembly
} <area, resulting in am explosion which destroys the factory as well as
} <a good sized area of Arkansas. All rights to patents trademarks, etc,
} <reverted to the Oracle, who, throughly impressed by the quality of the
} <Black Woodchuck ammunition, had just adopted the owner of the company,
} <becoming his sole living relative.
}
} You owe the Oracle more woodchucks for target practice.

--- 706-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@romulus.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> People who work for the government are experts at discussing matters
> without acknowledging who is responsible or indeed who even knew
> about what it being discussed, or whether it ever happened in the
> first place.  This appears to be an exciting new development in
> English grammar, an addition to the "active" and "passive" voice, or
> something.  The "evasive" voice, perhaps.
>
> Can you please explain its use to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     While the terminology "evasive" voice is not a priori accurate
}     vis-a-vis the designations "active" and "passive" the alleged usage
}     of such a grammatical construction is not compatible with the the
}     express objectives of the Oracle.
}
}     As for the alleged use of the so-called evasive voice by supposed
}     members of presumably governmental or quasi-governmental entities
}     is not a fact, or rumor, that the Oracle can either confirm or
}     deny.
}
}     Theoretical suggestions that the so-called evasive voice is in
}     frequent use are typically proposed by opportunistic extremists
}     whose agenda, in their own way, supersedes the common objectives of
}     the decent hard-working American people.  As such, a dignified
}     response, or even haphazard consideration of any supposed basis to
}     their alleged claims would lend an aura of authenticity or
}     legitimacy where none should exist.
}
}     You owe the Oracle a loop tape of Gen. Colin Powell saying, "I am
}     unable to comment on that matter at this time."

--- 706-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> <grovel> <kneel> <belch> <excuse me>
>
> Why are there 60 seconds in a minute, and 60 minutes in an hour?  It
> doesn't make sense, and it's a real pain in the ass..  How come there's
> no such thing as metric time, with 100 seconds to a minute, and 100
> minutes to an hour?  Maybe they could do something about the 24 hour
> day, too.  And maybe make all the damn months the same length!  What
> the hell is the story with THAT happy crappy?  I can never remember
> which months have 30 days and which have 31.  There's that stupid song,
> of course, but I can't remember if it goes "30 days has September,
> April, June, and November" or "30 days has December, August, March, and
> I can't remember". Arghh!!  It makes me so mad!  52 weeks in a year!
> Why the HELL is it 52?!? Just make it 50 already!!  Or maybe not..
> Just get rid of weeks altogether!  7 days to a week??  What arbitrary
> crapola THAT is!
>
> I guess I just want this all explained to me.  And maybe you could
> prescribe some valium or something if your not too busy.  Well, see ya.
> I'm gonna go beat the hell out of something.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The always-humble Usenet Oracle is proud to announce:
}
}    The Calendar for Computer Programmers:
}
}       Next Month
}
}  F  F  F  F  F  F  F
}                    0
}  1  2  3  4  5  6  7
}  8  9  A  B  C  D  E
}  F
}
} Much simpler than previous models, this is a perpetual calendar that
} never needs to be changed. Besides its obvious advantages, note that:
}
} *  There is no 28th, 29th, 30th, or 31st for projects to be due.
}
} *  There are six weekend days and only ten weekdays.
}
} *  Every day is Friday!
}
} *  Since it is labeled "Next Month," you can plan for the
}    future while you keep all of today to do what really matters!
}
} *  You will never have to worry about system crashes on Friday
}    the thirteenth.

--- 706-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> A darkened room, lit by an abundance of candles.  An altar is visible
> at the far end of the room.  Large oak doors opposite the altar swing
> slowly and silently open.  A hooded and shadowy figure steps into the
> room and shuts the enormous doors behimd him.  He approaches the altar
> and kneels reverently. Producing a small furry animal from a cage
> beneath the altar and places it on the altar surface.
>
> "Oh almighty and all knowing Oracle, to whom the world is but a measly
> speck of dust, and to whom all supplicants are but skuz, not even the
> equal of that under the lowlyest refrigerator, with this sacrifice I
> beg of your magnificence the slightest fraction of your immense
> knowledge."
>
> The figure suddenly produces a long wicked knife and plunges it deep
> into the sacrificial beast which expires with a rodent-like squeal.
> The figure composes itself and speaks...
>
> "Great Oracle I ask you this one question: If the past tense of "grind"
> is "ground" and the past tense of "bind" is "bound", then why isn't the
> past tense of "mind" "mound"?
>
> The figure then assumed a humbled pose, with head bowed, and awaited an
> answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The priests of the great oracle quickly move in from the shadows,
} taking the small animal and tying it with cord very tightly into a
} small ball. They then produce a blender, and insert the poor creature
} inside.  After a moment of whirring, they dump the contents on the
} floor of the temple. They then retreat back to the shadows.  As they
} leave, a bright light fills the temple.  The oracle has arrived.
}
} "Gee, hmm..  I never was too good at that grammar stuff.  Barely passed
} the class at ol' Olympus U, as I recall."
}
} He spies the remains of the poor woodland creature.
}
} "But, ya know, I never mound having found a soundly and roundly bound
} ground mound of fur lying around."
}
} The light fades, as quickly as it appeared.
}
} You owe the oracle a..  umm..  oh, never mound.

--- 706-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> oh god
> why are all men bastards

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Although you flatter the Oracle, deification is not necessary.
}
} Since the Oracle is currently incarnated in a male, he thought his
} opinion might be biased, so he did some polling:
}
} "They're born that way."
}
} "It's the testosterone.  Studies show that the hormone's effects are to
} make people stupid."
}
} Ah, but these answer the question how it is that men are able to be
} bastards, not *why* they are bastards.  The answer to that, is -- hold
} on, my incarnation wishes to speak.
}
} (WE CAN BE!  WE RULE THE --
}
} Hmm.  Well.  He's no help.  The actual reason is
}
} (MEN!  MEN!  MEN!  WOOOHOOO!--
}
} Excuse me.  <zot>
}
} You owe the Oracle's previous incarnation an emasculation to end his
} misery, and you owe the Oracle itself an incarnation that isn't a
} bastard.

--- 706-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I'm searching for BoneyM lyrics. I want to down load them with
> anonymous ftp. Please help me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [SCENE: A London street, Victorian era, crummy part of town. Urchins,
}     cretins, and lost souls move about upon their various missions, or
}     mill around aimlessly in small groups. It is dank, dark, filthy.]
}
} [A lone FIGURE moves slowly along the sidewalk, trying to shrink
} to inconspicuousness. His is a bent, misshapen form, bulging in
} places which suggest a frame not entirely hominid. Most striking
} of all, his head - which appears to be enormous - is shrouded in a
} dirty canvas sack, with a single square cut out to provide a slender
} window of vision. He relies heavily on a stout cane as he shambles
} and lurches up the street, in a gait which conveys long, unrelieved
} suffering and resignation.]
}
} [As he proceeds, passers and standers by nudge one another, and begin
} observing his progress... at first almost surreptitiously, as though
} not wishing to intrude, but then with greater curiosity and disregard
} for his response to the attention.]
}
} Cretin #1(loudly, hands cupped): What's with the bag on the head,
} then, mate?
}
} [The figure stops, turns slightly in the direction of the shout,
} then turns back and contines on his way, his pace slightly quickened.]
}
} [Cretins, urchins begin drawing closer to him, begin slowly to
} follow him]
}
} Cretin #2: Yeah, what's with the bag? And what's it made of?
}
} Urchin #1: Looks like sailcloth, it does.
}
} Cretin #2: That's not sailcloth. It would have a much tighter weave.
} (to Figure): Wouldn't it then, eh, mate? And where'd you get that cane?
} Is that ebony?
}
} Urchin #1: I still think it's sailcloth.
}
} [Cretin #2 smites Urchin #1 across the brow with a conveniently
} available gaffing hook. The FIGURE has increased his pace, the crowd
} grows and becomes more vocal, pouring forth questions. Occasionally,
} one can be heard above the din:]
}
} Various Urchins and Creti:
}    If you can get a carved ebony cane like that, you must have some
}     money, mate-- how can I get some?
}    Looks like a nasty stain on those pants, guv. What made it?
}    How can you get it out?
}    Where can I find good canvas?
}
} [The crowd is now a rabid horde, the FIGURE gasps and wheezes as he
}     tries to keep ahead of them, their prying eyes, their intrusive and
}     inconsequential questions. He is at nearly a full run, despite his
}     physical condition. He is pursued down the entryway to the
}     Underground.]
}
}     Would you like to have your shoes shined?
}     What _is_ the difference between Shinola and...
}     What have I got in my pocket?
}     Why do birds sing?
}                                   < null question
}     What should I have for lunch?
}     What's 2 plus 2?
}     Does she love me?
}     How much is that doggie in the window?
}     Where did you go on Spring Break?
}
} [The FIGURE has been chased into the Men's Loo, and is pinned between
}     two stand-up whizzers. He gathers himself up to his full height,
}     and casts off the canvas shroud!]
}
}     CRETINS AND URCHINS, AS ONE:   GASP!
}
}     FIGURE: Stop it! Stop it! I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING! I _AM_ THE USENET
}     ORACLE! I know ALL! I see ALL! ASK ME SOMETHING IMPORTANT, something
}     BEYOND your petty concerns, your mundane existence! Ask me a BIG
}     question, fer cryin' out loud.
}
}     Supplicant: Uh, I want to down load BoneyM lyrics using ftp, can
}     you...
}
}     TUO (turning to Cretin #2): You! Give me that gaffing hook!
}
}        [CURTAIN]
}
}     You owe the Oracle all your stereo equipment. Incarnated as J\tmf/S