From oracle-request Tue Dec 27 15:52:56 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA00361; Tue, 27 Dec 1994 15:52:56 -0500 Date: Tue, 27 Dec 1994 15:52:56 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #702 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 702 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #702 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 27 Dec 1994 15:52:56 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 702 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 697 77 votes Apd12 Fq640 dlqe3 4ejmi 4epp9 37qoh 75hiu 8cmkf dsn94 ahtg5 697 2.9 mean 1.8 1.6 2.6 3.5 3.3 3.6 3.8 3.3 2.5 2.9 --- 702-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > How is it that Santa Clause can deliver packages to millions of > people all in one night. I have been replaying all of my Star Trek > reruns to brush up on all of the latest space-time continum(sp) > theories, but that has been to no avail. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Naughty supplicant, } } Some theoretical work has been done on this subject already. I will } append it to this message, to save some CPU cycles. I am having a dots } match with the MIT mail router. } } The author is unknown. } } ************************************************************************ } } As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help } from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I } am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. } } IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? } ======================= } } 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species } of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are } insects andgerms, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer } which only Santa has ever seen. } } 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT } since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle most Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist } children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million } according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate } of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes } there's at least one good child in each. } } 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the } different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels } east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per } second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good } children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the } sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the } remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, } get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the } next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly } distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but } for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now } talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million } miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once } every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. } } This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 } times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- } made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 } miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per } hour. } } 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. } Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set } (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, } who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional } reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying } reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we } cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. } This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh } - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the } weight of the cruise ship Queen Elizabeth II. } } 5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air } resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a } spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of } reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. } Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, } exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in } their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 } thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to } acceleration forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound } Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his } sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. } } In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, } he's dead now. --- 702-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, I'm addicted to this game. I play it often and for > long periods of time. Alot of my friends play the same game and they > are continuously encouraging my play of this game! I was wander if you > could help me? How can I get better? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You must become one with the bottle as it spins, and feel its } revolutions in the depths of your soul. Also, don't forget to keep } your left elbow straight, your chin down, your eye on the ball, and } follow through. Develop your Knights before your Bishops, keep good } shape, and study the games of Sakata Eio. Never draw to an inside } straight, but look around a little bit before you build your first } city. Build a solid block with one lane open, so when you get a } straight piece you can drop it in there for a high score. Don't try } to crank the ball if you're not a pro, the natural spin as it falls } from you hand will give it enough of a hook. The best defensive shot } is one that skims the net with as little speed and spin as possible, } and bounces twice on the table. Study Nimzovich! Drop an artillery } barrage on the road, and blockade the whole enemy army. } } You owe the Oracle a shank of venison, or some other game. --- 702-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wondrous Oracle, why do stars twinkle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bad connection in the power grid. We're working on it. } } You owe the Oracle some starglasses. --- 702-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What should I do about the Christmas Party fiasco? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh my goodness (or perhaps my omniscience.) This list could grow as } long as the one you just sent Santa. For starters, try this. } } - Claim to belong to an obscure religious sect that *requires* one to } mash crackers and cream cheese underfoot, spilling brandy on the } carpet, while dancing awkwardly to Bing Crosby's White Christmas. } } - Claim that the incident in which you were sniffing the nutmeg } sprinkled on the eggnog (which caused you to sneeze directly into the } bowl) was really a mild seizure, and no fluids actually left your } body. } } - Grovel for forgiveness from your boss, his wife, and the cat. The } cat will be the toughest case, but argue that when you set the } curtains on fire while lighting the candle, you naturally grabbed the } nearest object to beat out the flames. } } - Accuse someone of having spiked your drink with hallucinogens. This } may also be a cover for having forgotten your date's name halfway } through the evening. } } - Look forward to New Year's Eve. Things can only improve. --- 702-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: amg@panix.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise Oracle, > > What time is it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh most useless supplicant, I have the answer to that meager question. } It lies here on the table before me, in a plain manila envelope. } } I could say something mystic and debonair, something such as, "Time is } a river, my son, . . ." But that would be patronizing to one with such } high aspirations. } } I could say somethng simplistic yet meaningful, such as, "Time is all } things to all men." But that may be misconstrued. } } I could say something snide and pretentious, such as, "Look at your } watch, you FREAKIN' PINHEAD!!" But that would be ignoring those poor } souls that have been raised to determine time only by digital means, } and who are at a loss when their batteries die. That may be you my } son, and I would hate to despise you for your lack of energy, pun } intended. } } Instead, let me simply say this: } } It isn't a time. } It, is a pronoun. } } You owe the Almighty Oracle one new copy of *The Transitive Vampire*. --- 702-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > dear Oracle, > > The other day I was at the diner, and there was this bunch of guys > (and a couple of gals) in white robes, and they was havin a good old > time, laffin like nothin. So I listen in, and I hear one of them say > "475-10!", and everybody laughs like they're gonna die, and another > one says "638-08", and everybody guffaws, and another says "665-01", > and the bellylaughs you wouldn't believe, and they go on for awhile > like "602-08" and "519-04" and "460-05" (that one *really* slays > them). > > So I think this sounds like fun, and I walk up to the table and say > "653-07", and they all say "boo" and throw their coffee at me. > > What did I do wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, some people just don't know how to tell a joke! --- 702-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what I should tell my wife on Christmas Eve And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tell her what you always do -- that you're going out drinking with the } guys. Then be sure to pull the sleigh out of the driveway very quietly } (and for Heaven's sake, cover up Rudolph's nose -- if she spots that } red glow up in the sky, you're finished). If you make your rounds } quickly, you should be back long before she gets suspicious. } } You owe the Oracle an elf to be named later. --- 702-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the place between the spiritual realm > and the material plane? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In airports with duty-free liquor shops, the departure gate. --- 702-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We have been encamped here in sight of the enemy for three days. > The wind called Volturnus blows, and the iron sun shines by day -- > can I say I do not like this place, > this place whose cursed name can I not recall. > > The consul Gaius Terentius Varro wishes to give battle in the > morning, and has assigned me to check the auspices. > Alas! I did not pay attention in haruspex class, > and do not remember if the entrails > should be read from left to right or vice-versa. > > O Oracle so canny, more fearsome than a cannibal, > can you connive to tell me, > what can I do? what can I say? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay, here's what you do. Carefully open the sacrifice, and examine the } entrails carefully, starting with the intestines (from back to front), } then moving on to the liver. Contemplate thoroughly everything these } organs are telling you -- they are your guides, your messengers from } the gods. } } Then tell Terentius precisely what he wants to hear, because otherwise, } he's gonna hate your guts. } } You owe the Oracle some haggis in garum sauce. --- 702-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > The other day, it occurred to me, in the archaic phrase, > "Shave and a haircut -- two bits!", > I've always been told that "two bits" meant a quarter, > which in case you're a tea-drinker means twennyfive cents, U.S., > it occurred to me, that means there's eight bits to the dollar, > just like there's eight bits to the byte, it occurred to me, > IT'S TIME FOR CURRENCY REFORM!!! > > Instead of 100 cents to the dollar, we ought to have 256. > Oh wait, maybe ... > [rustle, rustle] ... "Nicholas F. Brady" ... > it's signed, I see, so we oughta have 128 pennies to the dollar. > > And no more fivers! Gotta have a "word" instead of a "fin". > Hey, both ends the same size, that'll stop a lot of controversy! > > Whaddya say? > > -- > [Vs vg'f fvtarq, vg pbhyq or artngvir.] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know Supplicant, you have a good idea there. Let's see..your } dollar would become a "K"! $100 would become a "Meg" (or 100K), while } $1000 would become a "Gig" (or 1000K). Okay, I know the measurements } are off a tad, but we have to deal with inertia here as well. Let's } look at the implications: } } NEW CAR DEALER: Yes sir! For only 2.26844 Tara's, you can be the proud } owner of your very own 1997 Cadilliac Grande-Deluxe "RoadHawg". } CUSTOMER: Well, uh, all I can afford is 1.9 Tara's. } NCD: Insufficiant Memory! Have you considered a memory upgrade? We } have many plans available. } CUSTOMER: What kind of plans? } NCD: Well, we can finance then addition 3 Gig's for a compression ratio } of 1:5. } CUSTOMER: That's highway robbery! } NCD: Otherwise, sir, you won't be able to get over the 640K limit. } CUSTOMER: That's BS! I'm going to go take my business to Doom Motors! } They have the DOS Protected Mode plan available! } NCD: (shouting after customer) But you can't use QEMM on that plan! } Come back! I'll give you a great deal on our 1997 GatesMobile! Come } back! Look out our special "Chicago Windows" model! It should be } released by 2001! } CUSTOMER: (shouting back) what, are you crazy? I know those things run } on V-8 Pentiums with only two cylinders actually running! Do you think } I want to KILL myself on the road? No way! } } You owe the Oracle a new spreadsheet that could deal with this. } ..naq sbe vapyhqvat n EBG13 zrffntr va lbhe dhrel, lbh nyfb bjr gur } Benpyr lbhe znvyre'f urnq ba n fvyire cynggre.