From oracle-request Fri Dec 23 09:04:58 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA00622; Fri, 23 Dec 1994 09:04:58 -0500 Date: Fri, 23 Dec 1994 09:04:58 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #701 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 701 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #701 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 23 Dec 1994 09:04:58 -0500 @@@ An article about the Oracle, entitled "SWAMI, HOW I LOVEYA @@@ HOW I LOVEYA", appears in Larry Moffitt's THE ON RAMP column @@@ of _The_Washington_Times_ this week. Check it out online at @@@ ftp://ftp.cs.indiana.edu/pub/oracle/onramp. To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 701 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 696 85 votes 8kvh9 6zs79 fyo57 86jBf 25hvu 9hsid pnge7 6pui6 hEl61 caeqn 696 3.0 mean 3.0 2.7 2.5 3.5 4.0 3.1 2.5 2.9 2.2 3.4 --- 701-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that you will often get a series of questions about a certain > topic? For example, recently you have had a bunch of vampire questions, > and even more recently there have been lots of questions about > chocolate. Also, is this leading up to something? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Questions about the same topic tend to come in at the same time because } of the mass mind control currently being practiced in the basements of } many "normal" American citizens in collaboration with the Communist } Party and the Roman Catholic Church. Using a commodore 128, a paper } clip, a Victrola, and everyday refrigerator magnets (ex: "My Child is } an Honor Student at Eastern Poquadolini Community College") these } individuals are able to control the ideas of much of the world's } population. The magnet is used to establish contact with the } satellites in the Vatican City. The computers in the Vatican City } communicate information to Red China. } } During the night, AM radio waves transmit signals from Red China to the } general populace of the United States. Recent movies such as "Like } Water for Chocolate" and "Interview with the Vampire" have fascinated } many. Unconsciously, they began to transmit thoughts regarding vampires } and chocolate. A few poor souls wrote me asking questions. } } What this all leads up to is that this little secret proves the power } of the media. It also proves the commodore still has marketshare. --- 701-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > > Oh great and mighty Oracle, who is omnipotent and omniscient, who is > the most beautiful being in this general area of the universe, who ZOTs > people like people crush annoying bugs, who can certainly answer this > tiny little question, I grovel in thy magnificent sight... > > Please tell me, why in thy divine wisdom hast thou created the > greenhouse-effect? > > Yours truly forever, > > A scared dutchman... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, let's get this straight: it's not an effect. } Transporters, phasers, light sabers -- those are effects. Greenhouses } don't have to be faked up by Industrial Light and Magic; they actually } work. } } So, anyway, it's like this: for all kinds of technical reasons, many } plants have a short growing season, due to some way-too-fussy } temperature requirements. (No, I won't get into *that* now. Send in } another question if you're really interested.) One winter day, the } Oracle was sitting around and got an urge for strawberries. Do you } know what it's like to get strawberries in the middle of winter? In } Indiana? } } The Oracle looked into regular jet shipments from Southern California, } but decided that the environmental toll was *way* out of line just for } strawberries. Caviar, maybe, but not strawberries. Putting together a } greenhouse seemed like a much more, you know, Green solution. } } Once the first greenhouse was set up, word got out, and now we have all } kinds of plants growing at the wrong time of year. } } Next time around, I'll have roses peak in mid-February. That'll get } those florists back for their profiteering! } } You owe the Oracle a quart of strawberries, a magnum of Champagne, and } twelve hours with Julia Roberts. --- 701-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, O wise and truly wonderful Oracle... > > I have an opportunity to cheat on my wife with wonderful 18 year old. > Should I? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *Sigh*. I *know* losing at contract bridge can be frustrating, but } cheating is not the answer. Particularly in this case. Let's review the } bidding, shall we? } } You Your wife Your 18-year-old niece Omar Sharif } } 1 Spade Double 2 Hearts Pass } 4 Hearts Pass 4 No Trump Pass } } It is at this point that your wife and Omar Sharif started making out } on the coffee table, giving you the opportunity to cheat by signalling } your partner what slam she should go for. Don't do it. Cheating at } bridge is dishonest, unsportsmanlike, and in this case unnecessary. } Your partner's bid, under the Blackwood Convention, requires you to } respond by bidding 5 in one of the four suits, thereby indicating how } many aces you have. Thus, you have the opportunity to convey the } desired information perfectly legally and ethically. } } Now turn off the computer and get back to your game. Your wife and } Mr. Sharif will be done any minute now, and you don't want them to get } suspicious. } } You owe the Oracle a trusty manservant to do his bidding. --- 701-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > I hear you are the wisest of all, greatest of great. My question > is this, there is a present under my Christmas tree that is wrapped > and has my name on it, it says from Santa. > It is in a box 27"longx23"widex20"in height. It weighs 12.32 lbs. and > rattles when I shake it. > Please tell me what it is. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A baby with a rattle. --- 701-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, in this festive Christmas season sometimes the little > players get overlooked. Please tell me: > > Whatever happened to the 10th and 11th reindeer? You know, Olive, who > used to taunt Rudolph so much, and Rudolph's lover Thenow? > > Eh? > > You know, like in the song: > > "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names..." > "Thenow the reindeer loved him..." > > Yours etc, > Deeply Concerned. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well I can feel your concern. What happened was, one evening after a } hard day leading that sleigh, Rudolph came home a little early. As he } walked through the door, much to his surprise there was his beloved } Thenow in the massive arms of Olive. Rudolph was shocked. Olive had his } hand on Thenow's little puffy white tail while Thenow was stroking } Olives rack. Well Rudolph stood there a few moments in shock and then } finally said unbelievingly "What is going on here?", as if he couldn't } tell. Thenow, being the little vixen she was, tried to get out of it, } without any thought of Olive she said "Oh Rudolph thank Santa you're } here, Olive came over looking for you and when I said you weren't here } he said that I would do, barged in and started taking advantage of me". } Now Olive was totally shocked because this was his little dear, the one } who was only with Rudolph for his "bucks", but now she was turning her } back on him to cover up for herself. Well he figured since this was how } she really felt he might just as well tell Rudolph the truth. So in } anger and frustration he screams "You lying tramp!! You invited me over } just as you have for the past six months." Now Rudolph not knowing now } who to believe ran straight at Olive, jumped on him and pinned him to } the floor. Well by now that little nose was all aglow. As he held him } there he asked Thenow who was telling the truth. By now Thenow is in } tears trying to play out her little mascarade. She says whimpering "I } am baby, dont you believe me. We've been together since that Christamas } you led Santa's sleigh for the first time. Remember?" Well Rudolph } finally got off of Olive and suprisingly helps him up. He looks at } Thenow and says, "You know since day one I haven't trusted you. I just } kept you around for a piece of tail. I've known all along about you and } Olive. I was hoping that you would come to me and tell me about it, and } if you did I would let everything else pass like water. But this was } your last chance babe. Pack your things and get out." He turned to Olive } and says "Wanna go get a drink?" Olive looks at him in surprise. Is } this the same guy he always makes fun of? The one he laughs at and } calls names? Well he doesn't seem as bad as I thought. He looks at } Rudolph and says "I would've thought you'd be pissed at me" Rudolph } says sadly "NO Olive, you just got caught up in the manipulations of a } little doe with a nice tail. It wasn't your fault at all you just } followed your instincts." So Olive and Rudolph walked out the door and } as they did Rudolph turned to Thenow and said "Be gone when I get back. } I think you better find another job too, because when the man finds out } he is not gonna be to happy. Goobye my dear." And Rudolph leaves and } quietly shuts the door. As Thenow sat there many things crossed her } mind, 'Why did I do it? Rudolph was good to me and I had to go mess it } up for a good buck.' Of all the thoughts that passed through her head } only one seemed to be the answer. So she grabbed the pistol Rudolph } always kept by the bed and got it ready. She wrote Rudolph a note } apologizing and telling him she loved him but she made the mistake of a } lifetime. Then she placed the note on her lap and placed the gun to her } head and ended it all. Olive and Rudolph became good friends after } that. Rudolph never was made fun of again. } } Well now you see why they don't tell this story often around the } Christmas fire. --- 701-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you were in a car traveling at the speed of light and you blew > your horn, would the other guy have time to get out of the way? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, he didn't, and I'm really starting to get sick of people bringing } this up. I mean, sheesh, an can't an Oracle make one little mistake } without everyone bringing it up all the time? I was young then, it was } a brand-new custom job from the new Italian dealership, I wanted to see } how fast it could go. How was I to know there was someone else out on } the expressway? Look, I did the community service. I went to the } classes. I have paid my dues. In some parts, you can still hear that } horn blaring, and you mortals just can't drop it, can you? You think } you're soooooo funnyx } } You owe the Oracle a grape soda and a sincere apology. --- 701-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Powerful Oracle, who knows and sees all, > > My question is simple for a mind as great as yours: > > How many pickled peppers *DID* Peter Piper pick? > (Or, as an alternative question: What question should I ask to get "You > owe the oracle a flute and a codpiece."? That one is for a friend.) > > A querelous supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh curious one, the answer to your question changes with the } season. At this time of year, the correct answer is 78. The All-Knowing } Oracle will explain: } } 12 pickled peppers perking } 11 pickled peppers pecking } 10 pickled peppers pelting } 9 pickled peppers pricking } 8 pickled peppers parking } 7 pickled peppers plucking } 6 pickled peppers putting } 5 pickled peppers packed } 4 pickled peppers popped } 3 pickled peppers pooped } 2 pickled peppers plopped } and a pickled pepper in a pear tree. } } You must repay the Oracle by leading a group of no less than five } other persons in singing this answer. --- 701-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle of wonderous knowledge. Knower of all knowns. Seer of all > scenes. Beholder of all bee-holds. Please, oh gracious one, answer my > humble plea. > > I was just informed by my parents that I am not their natural child. > In fact, they are telling me that I am an alien, and they want me to > put on these stupid blue tights, a blue shirt with a big "S" on it, a > red cape, and wear red underwear over my tights. Then they want me to > fly around helping people in distress! > > Now my questions are: > > 1) Who in their right mind would go around wearing this @#*%?! > > 2) How am I ever going to get rich helping people all the time? > > and 3) How am I ever going to find someone like me? > > Thank you for your help, > > CK - Smallville, KS And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My dear Calvin, if anyone should know who would wear that get-up, it } would be a successful designer like you. IMO, however, it's the sort of } innovation that would probably go over well in a spring collection in } Rome--simple, flashy, with a certain je-ne-sais-quas about it. If } you're not rich enough already, I'm sure you could charge a fortune for } it. } } How are you ever going to find someone like you? Well, if you'd like I } can get you Georgio Armani's phone number. } } You owe the Oracle a promise to feed Kate Moss. --- 701-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie: > > This new-age girl just left our staff, and I'm assigned to take over > all of her programs. I was trying to debug this one section, but I > can't figure out how it works. Can you Help me? > . > . > ..bunch of weird stuff.. > . > . > Sym *Sx; > Sx = add_token(TOKSTR(ident->) ); > Sx->lnext = NULL; > list->record_kind = IDLISTREC; > SRIDLIST(list->) = Sx; > do_magic_spell("make this program work correctly\n"); > Sx->lnext = iota[0]; > > Love, GLORIA And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're asking about the "do_magic_spell" function, right? That } function is not one of the library functions specified by the } ANSI/ISO C standard. It is available on several platforms, but it } requires special hardware if it's going to work correctly. } } If you're using an IBM PC (or clone), you need a SpellCaster Pro (TM) } card, or compatible. It must be the Pro version, with Pentacle } processor and 32-bit magical energy portals, or you will get } *very* odd results. (Ask what "undefined behavior" means on } comp.lang.c if you want some examples.) } } If you're on a Macintosh, you need the external CandyApple magical } interface, with light wand. It hooks up via AppleTalk, and has an } additional telepathic communication channel. } } On Sun workstations (SunOS 4.1 or Solaris), you have to replace the } CPU with a PowerSparc 5. Unfortunately, Sun was using Pentiums to } design this CPU, and so it doesn't quite work yet. Expect to see a } product announcement in the fourth quarter of 1995. } } On IBM MVS systems, all you need is somebody who *really* understands } JCL. } } If you were wondering about the syntactic oddities in the program, } I'm not going to tell you about that. You'll have to grovel properly } first. } } You owe the Oracle a crystal ball with an X.21 serial interface. --- 701-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I become a better person? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Live a simple and blameless life, then ask me a question without } grovelling, and you might get reincarnated as one. } } You owe the Oracle a report on the Afterlife. } } []