From oracle-request Wed Sep 21 07:46:55 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA17047; Wed, 21 Sep 1994 07:46:55 -0500 Date: Wed, 21 Sep 1994 07:46:55 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #677 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 677 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #677 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 21 Sep 1994 07:46:55 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 677 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 672 74 votes cicei 0amtd 6msd5 7mni4 1frid 15hzg 2bmkj 2rnh5 3eAd8 3krg8 672 3.2 mean 3.1 3.6 2.9 2.9 3.4 3.8 3.6 2.9 3.1 3.1 --- 677-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To the Oracle with the hairiest knuckles you ever saw, > > How come the phone company never seems to run out of phone numbers? Are > they secretly digging through the garbage of disconnected numbers and > reusing them, passing them off as new ones? > And what about toll-free 800 numbers? What happens when the ten > millionth person or business wants one? What will they do oh what WILL > they do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A most dangerous question, grasshopper! Don't you know that in } the cosmic order, the PHONE COMPANY ranks somewhere between God } and the IRS? } } The telephone company is keenly aware of the problem. When it } comes to telephone numbers, they do not believe in supply side } economics. Instead of increasing the number of telephone numbers, } the phone company is trying to decrease the number of people } wanting telephone numbers. } } This implies population control. The phone company has its } electronic contraceptive -- cellular phones. Cellular telephones } do not cause brain cancer, they cause sterility. All of the } studies done to date are red herrings. They are intended to } distract us from the appropriate end of the body. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of lead underpants. --- 677-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Isnt timing everything? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ask again later --- 677-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, who never has trouble shopping, please tell your > humble and footsore supplicant: > > Why can't I find a pair of shoes that fit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle isn't supposed to tell, but he sympathizes with your plight } and will explain the basis for your problem. Just don't tell anyone } he let you in on the secret. } } Your problems are caused by a secret shoe conspiracy. Sometime in the } distant past at a shoe store in Hoboken you annoyed a clerk. The } nature of this insult is hidden in the fog of time and the clerk passed } away without telling the Oracle the specifics. Nevertheless, your name } was sent out over a little known group on Usenet called } shoe.evil.customer and memorized by every clerk on Earth. They now } know to always give you mismatched shoes as punishment. } } Of course you many not be guilty of any shoe related crime. The Oracle } has known the American Association of Podiatry to post false names in } the hope of drumming up new buisness. } } Your plight is a serious one, but it is very hard to get your name off } of the list. The Oracle suggests you use aliases and a disguise when } you shop. If you are not recognized, you may get shoes that fit. } } You owe the Oracle's loafers a good shine. --- 677-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I am abashed by your effervescent effulgence, and scarcely dare > speak in the presence of such a superior Being, but speak I must. > > February 2 has passed, and I need your advice, because I'm > Punxsutawney Phil. > > Well, actually, I'm Speedy Alka-Seltzer, from the old commercials, > and I only dress up as a famous groundhog. > > You remember, of course, that I wrote to you a few months ago, my > life in ruins, my pockets empty, no more limelight, the residual > checks from my commercials long since spent. Nobody in show business > cared about me any more, and I couldn't get a job. > > I turned to you for advice, and you saved my life. You referred me > to the Punxsutawney Chamber of Commerce, who were in a dither > because their famous Phil had been fried by a mysterious > lightning bolt, and they needed a stand-in, but fast! > > Yes, thanks to you, I got a job, and I was on network TV, even if > only briefly. I'm back in show biz again, and I owe it all to you! > My gratitude is eternal. > > The problem is, you know, now that the gig is over, > what do I do next? > > ----Speedy And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wow. You actually made enough from the groundhog gig to last you from } February to September? I should go into the business myself. } } Let's see. On the calendar for September: } Labor Day. Nope, nothing there. } Newbies flood the Net. Unless you're really into posting random } "imminent death of the Net" messages to various groups...? } There's a primary election in several states. How do you feel about } candidate endorsements? } } Candidate endorsements are probably your best bet, actually. People } always want celebrities on their side. "Speedy AlkaSeltzer says VOTE } for Barry in 1994." And in 1996, you can use your exposure in that } campaign to make commercials saying "In 1994, Speedy AlkaSeltzer said } VOTE for Barry. This time, VOTE for DAVE Barry. Harvey and Dave in } '96." } } You owe the Oracle some powder that'll make me feel good. --- 677-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great and Wise Oracle, more learned than Athens and more powerful > than Sparta, I have a question: > > As the U.S. teeters on the brink of yet another minor war, I am > wondering -- has anyone written any Haitian War ditties yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Haitians are, of course, famous for their war ditties. You may not } know this, as Hatians speak a weird language that sounds almost } completely like French while having next to no grammatical resemblance } to it. In fact, this "stealth language" can be used as a powerful } means of encryption (thus explaining the low sales of PGP 2.6 in } Haiti). For example, the translation of one Haitian children's song in } conventional French: } } The sun is rising over my lasagna } Please don't walk on the grass because } the lemurs are purple } } is completely different from its true meaning: } } Depose the president } Install a military dictatorship in his place } Don't worry, Democrats haven't invaded anything since the Bay of Pigs } We're a happy family } } You owe the Oracle a promise to stop sending those damn soybean } questions. --- 677-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle, who could grovel better than I ever could, please > tell me: > > On my modem are five little lights labelled as follows: "AA CD OH IO > MR". Whatever could they mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } New modem users often are confused by these needlessly cryptic labels. } We here at Oracle Labs are pleased to be able to clear up this } frequently asked question, though a quick look at your modem reference } manual would certainly have been a more grovel-free solution to your } problem. Modem manufacturers don't go to the expense of translating } and re-translating those manuals from Korean to English to Japanese to } English just so you can get by without reading them. } } From the left, these modem lights mean the following: } } AA: Annoying Answer. When the "annoying answer" feature of your modem } is active, callers to your modem line will hear an unpleasant } screeching sound. Great for those bill collectors and telephone } solicitors. } } CD: Carrier Detect. When your modem is connected to a computer system } that is "carrying" a contagious computer virus, this light } activates to warn you. If the CD light ever comes on, you should } immediately yank the phone cord out of your modem for maximum data } safety. } } OH: The "OH" light comes on when the modem realizes that you really } want it to do something NOW. The next generation of DSP modems } from Hayes is rumored to be capable of actually saying "Oh, okay" } out loud. } } IO: When lit, this light indicates that you are receiving data from } one of the moons of Jupiter. Do not look closely at this light; } the sketchy preliminary reports we have indicate that it is "full } of stars". } } MR: For the rural modem user. Signifies the state of the data } connection. When lit, "MR" good data bits on the line, when not, } "MR" not. Some types of telephone line problems common in rural } America cause repeated renegotiations of the data signal, } resulting in the dreaded "MR Not -- MR Too" oscillations on the } connection. One shotgun blast into the air generally resolves } these protocol arguments all nice and peaceable like, though } extended feuds have been known to occur. } } You owe the Oracle a voice line capable of automatically retraining } whenever the other party doesn't know what you're talking about. --- 677-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh GREAT and POWERFUL ORACLE, wisest of the wise, most knowledgeable: > > Will I meet the girl I am searching for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but you will grill the meat you've been searching for. --- 677-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is there EVIL in the world? Why can't we have peace and > goodwill toward men and all that? Why does EVIL have to exist? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [WARNING: The following text contains graphic descriptions of a method } for summoning the Devil. This should be attempted by trained Oracles } only.] } } I started my research at the library. I looked through their Occult } section (pitifully small, really, considering the importance of the } subject). I checked out every one of the books on Satanism, except the } ones on the Reference shelf. I just snuck those out past the gate. } } I had just barely started reading those books when I realized I needed } more. } } I went to the arcane bookstore, where eldritch and mysterious } paperbacks can be had three for two dollars on Mondays. I found } "Witches, Women, and Power". I found "The Cabalistic Arcana". I found } "Augury". I found "The Devil's Dictionary". I paid two bucks and took } the fourth one out hidden in my trousers. } } I had a good laugh over that "Devil's Dictionary", but then I } concentrated my efforts on the others. I soon knew that I needed more. } } I sought out and joined a hedonistic, satan-worshipping commune. In } honor of my joining, we sacrificed a goat. I ate its heart. I wore its } untanned pelt for a week. I slept with men, with women, with goats, } with trekkies. Let no one say that the Oracle doesn't do his homework. } } Finally, I was ready. Under the light of the harvest moon, I stripped } naked and drew a pentagram in the sand. I lit five candles, one at each } point of the pentagram. Behind each candle, I put an item: At the } first, the blood of a virgin in a cup of onyx. At the second, the } thighbone of a small boy. At the third, a first edition of "C, a } Reference Manual". At the fourth, a chicken strangled at high noon. And } at the fifth, I stood, holding a scroll from which I read. } } "O Satan, Master of all Evil, Beast of the Apocalypse, Destroyer of } Good and Bringer of Light and Darkness. O Lord of Pandemonium, O Satan } Mekratrig, O Mephisto, come to this place now." [Full details of chant } are available at ftp.microsoft.com in directory } /pub/satanism/summons/chant/. Downloads restricted.] } } Without warning, Satan appeared. Twenty feet tall (that's six metres, } if you're outside the US), breathing steam, bright red skin, totally } naked. Scariest thing _this_ incarnation's ever seen. So, the first } thing I said was, } } "HEY! You're a woman!" } } "Yeah, well, you know, it's those feminists. They kept arguing that God } could be a woman, and She decided, why not both of Us. It's only } temporary, in a thousand years I'll be a guy again, but just between } us, it's the pits." } } "What do you mean?" } } "Okay, for starters, can you imagine how hard it is for Me, now that I } want to get into a relationship? I've tried the personals ads, and you } wouldn't believe the losers I've run into. Only interested in one } thing. And don't even ask about the cramps. My moods go up and down } like you wouldn't believe. And another thing, I don't get paid anywhere } near as much as I got for this job when I was a guy." } } "Wow, that's rough. I never realized." } } "Hey, me either. And you ever tried wearing a bra? Ugh. But what was it } you called Me here for, anyway?" } } "Oh, yeah. That. A supplicant asked-- Wait a minute, I've got the } question here. Here it is:" } } > Why is there EVIL in the world? Why can't we have peace and } > goodwill toward men and all that? Why does EVIL have to exist? } } "Hmmm. A philosopher. I should send Thomas Aquinas to answer that one." } } "You've got Thomas Aquinas down in Hell?" } } "Well, don't let it out, but I have most of the great philosophers down } there. Kant, Sartre, all the ones who made it hell for you in } Philosophy class. But to answer the question, it's just a matter of } balance." } } "You mean, that there has to be Evil so that there can also be Good?" } } "No, no, not at all! Evil in the world has to be balanced with what } you're trying to accomplish. Look at the evil that you have done just } to answer this supplicant's question: Three stolen books, $25 in } overdue book fines, Misdemeanor cruelty to animals, three counts, Theft } of blood from the Red Cross, Theft of a child's thighbone from the } morgue, AND summoning the Devil. You know, the penalty for that is the } loss of your immortal soul." } } "Oops." } } "Well, I'll let you off this time. But don't let it happen again. } Anyway, my point is, that you did all this evil stuff just to answer a } supplicant's question. That's what happens with everybody who does } evil--they're not trying to be evil, they're just trying to get } something else done. And, like you, they feel a little guilty } afterwards. Right." } } "Ummmm. Yeah. Right." } } "So, be on your way. I've gotta get going; Dave's World is coming on in } a couple of minutes, and I can't set the timer on my new VCR. I'll see } you around!" } } And with that, She was gone. } } You owe the Oracle $25 and a pint of blood at the Red Cross. And do you } know a way to get the smell of dead goat out of your hair? --- 677-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr. Oracle, sir, > > I'm writing a book on oracles, shamans, minor deities, and other > repositories of ancient knowledge. I wondered if you would care to > comment on any of the following issues: > > * How long have you been an Oracle, and how did you get started? Is > there a certification process, or must one be born into the career? > > * Do you have many followers, worshippers, acolytes and/or apostles? In > general, do you find these to be a help in your Oracular duties, or a > hindrance? > > * Tell us about an average day in your Oracular life. What are your > usual routines; do you work at home, in an office, or in a > temple/ashram/other holy place; do you work set hours or full-time; how > do you unwind after work? > > * Despite your omniscience, do you still feel yourself to be a regular > guy? > > I shall consider all statements to be for publication, unless otherwise > noted. Thank you for your time. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh boy, another book deal. Do I get a percentage of the gross on this } one? } } I've been an Oracle for 5 or 6 thousand years now, more or less. This } is actually my great grandfather we're talking about here, because } the UseNet wasn't around back then, of course, except in Dimension P, } but then, they don't count anyway. When I "Came into Being" I } received the complete and sometimes accurate knowledge of all my } ancestors. No sympathy for that Atreides dude here, I can tell you. } All my ancestors being Oracles has its advantages and disadvantages. } } 1) I could skip the certification process. My great granddad had } passed it, I still had his knowledge, so I got the ancestral waiver. } } 2) My ancestors were also omniscient, so I have the complete } knowledge of everyone who has lived when my ancestors were alive, } *plus* the complete knowledge of everyone who's alive now. Makes for } one hell of a memory problem, I can tell you. } } I'm working all the time, except for the odd weekend or two off in } the Bahamas. Then the priests have to manage on their own, aided by } the occasional yahoo off the street. I attribute any spelling errors } to my priests, and any wrong knowledge to those yahoos. I am never } wrong, although sometimes I can be misinterpreted. I get that from } Great Granddad. } } I like to sit in a Jacuzzi when I'm working. Or if necessary, I'll } lounge in my silk pajamas and answer questions while the Jacuzzi's } being cleaned. And if I'm feeling really omnipotent, sometimes I'll } use the Nautilus machines and answer questions at the same time. } } Of course I'm a regular guy. Not all those Beavis and Butthead } answers come from the priests, you know. } } Ciao, } Orrie. --- 677-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, my Oracle, I beseech thee to spake unto me and grant me > the greatness of your knowledge. Ponder my question deeply and > tell me who will win the 1994 World Series. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The National Football League.