From oracle-request Fri Sep 16 10:54:40 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA22267; Fri, 16 Sep 1994 10:54:40 -0500 Date: Fri, 16 Sep 1994 10:54:40 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #676 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 676 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #676 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 16 Sep 1994 10:54:40 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 676 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 671 73 votes esn53 2awm7 4cqp6 fuga2 16lsh 3eqka 1kte9 hffga 5mza1 6bhof 671 3.0 mean 2.4 3.3 3.2 2.4 3.7 3.3 3.1 2.8 2.7 3.4 --- 676-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did the fates give us ToeJam? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good question. I did some research just moments ago to find out what } was really going on behind the scenes at Fates, Inc., to get to the } bottom of this growing ToeJam distribution scandal. I started by } calling their main consumer relations line at 1-800-OH-WHY-ME. Here's a } transcript of that conversation. } } Receptionist: Fates, Inc., how can I help you? } } Oracle: Yes, I'm calling about ToeJam. Why is there ToeJam? } } Receptionist: One moment, please.... } } } } Receptionist: I'm sorry, sir but I cannot answer that question right } now. If you'd like, you can write a letter to our Fates Worse } Than Death Department at -- } } Oracle: No, that won't do. May I speak with your supervisor? } } Receptionist: Sir, my supervisor won't be able to help you either. } } Oracle: Well, who can then? I want an answer to my question now! } } Receptionist: Our hours are from 8-5, Monday through Friday. Please } call anytime with questions or comments about Fates, Inc. Thank } you, and have a nice day, unless of course it just isn't in the } cards for you. } } Oracle: Harumph. Jerk. } } I wasn't finished. Fates, Inc. may be able to get away with the } brush-off on the phone, but they were going to have to work a lot } harder when I took a camera crew with me to their Headquarters in } Kansas City, Kansas. As we approached the building we could already see } the guards mobilizing. I was undaunted. } } Oracle: (To camera operator) Let's go. } } Camera: Oh, sure, Orrie, let's get the "scoop on } ToeJam." } } Oracle: Hey - this is important. Someone wants to know. } } Camera: Yeah, sounds like that "someone" needs to get a life. } } } } Guard: I'm sorry, but this building is closed to the public. } } Oracle: I'd like to speak with the president of Fates, Inc. I'm the } Ora...er, I mean, I'm Mike Wallace, yeah, that's it! I'm Mike } Wallace, and if you don't let me in I'm going to blow this ToeJam } thing *wide open* on my show. } } Guard: Ewwwww, that's gross. Fine, you win. Right this way, Mr. } Wallace. } } Oracle: (to camera, whispering) Pretty clever, huh? } } Camera: Lame is more like it. What next, are you gonna say you're } Brenda Starr? } } We finally reached the president of Fates, Inc. This mysterious } character had eluded the eyes of everyone until this moment. Finally, I } was going to get to the bottom of this. The secretary walked me to the } door, and opened it, and there I beheld, } } Oracle: I don't believe it!! Dick Clark?! } } DC: Hello! Please, come on in. Have a seat. } } Oracle: ....Wow. I just want to tell you I think you look } great! } } DC. Thank you. } } Oracle: So Mr. Clark, why is there ToeJam? } } DC: Let me tell you something, Mike, if I could only -- } } Oracle: Oh, uh, actually I'm the Usenet Oracle. I just told the guard I } was Mike Wallace so I could get in here. } } DC: I see. So you're already immortal? } } Oracle: That's right. And omniscient. Mostly omniscient. } } DC: Great, then I don't mind telling you about ToeJam. As a fellow } immortal, I'm sure you enjoy and - } } Oracle: Wait, what do you mean, "fellow" immortal?? } } DC: I'm immortal too! See, I have discovered the secret to immortality. } ToeJam!! Lots and lots of ToeJam! As long as I keep smothering it } on my face, on my chest, all over my body, I will stay young and } healthy looking forever. } } Oracle: Wow. Sooooo, I guess you just throw hygiene out the window, } right? } } DC: Not at all! I let others' filthy habits produce the ToeJam I need, } and with the help of the ToeJam Fairy, I collect it all for my } own purposes. Of course, I tell the TJF to leave some for the } people I collect it from, and apparently, most of time, they } don't even notice any missing. If only they knew that they held } the secret to eternal life in the scum on their feet..... } } Oracle: You know, even *I* didn't know about the ToeJam Fairy. } } So there you have it, Supplicant. If I were you, I'd get that ToeJam of } yours and start applying it vigorously all over myself - don't waste } another minute. Fortunately for me, I'm already immortal. And } omniscient. Mostly omniscient. } } You owe the Oracle a 12-pack of Mr. Bubble and a rubber ducky. --- 676-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why was fish swimming upside down this morning? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you understood the fish better you would know that they are on a } political strike to better their living conditions on Wednesdays. } } For instance, have you let the fish watch Baywatch lately? Have you } even given them a screening of Jaws? } } If you are going to entertain the fish more, don't do the common } blunder of showing them "A Fish Called Wanda" because it has got some } very strong scenes in it. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of fish sticks. --- 676-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wondiferous Oracle, whose mere nose twitch could shake the > foundations of the Earth, please help me! > > At my children's elementary school an overactive morality group > has just submitted a list of banned books and tapes. On the list > of obscene material I found they listed all of my favorite "Woody > Woodpecker" videos. What kind of drugs are these people on anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } As you will no doubt be aware, #### ##### ## #### the ##### # ###. } #### ### ###, ### ###### ###. %%%%%% %%% %%%%%%%%%ing, but I doubt } #### ###### ######; instead, @@@@@@ @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@. } } Bear in mind that Galileo's book was taken off the Index of banned } books only last year. Of course, in #### case, **** ********** **** } *** woody wood######. #### ############ ####### ####### movies, ##### } ######. #### Jane Austen was ########## when she first pub###### her } work, not to mention D. H. @@@@@@@@. } } The Oracle will not tolerate any further %%%%%%%%%%%%%%! } } You owe the Oracle a pair of scissors, to help Lisa ####### the lurid } details of her latest film, "Woody Wood###### and Lisa ######### at } #######". --- 676-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, hunter of the hunted, chaser of the chased, scrivener > of the scrivened, please help me.... > > I have been trying for ages to catch this one darn bird. Now, you > wouldn't think that it would be such a difficult task, me being a > super-genius and all, but my plans all somehow seem to go awry. I've > tried just about every method that I could think of, including > butterfly nets, giant slingshots, explosives, rocket sleds, and > various other products from the ACME catalog. I've even tried > painting a picture of a road onto the side of a cliff. But no matter > what I try, I always end up being burnt, twisted, stretched, crumpled, > folded, run over, or dropped from a great height. And the bird keeps > mocking me, mocking me, with its incessant "beep beep." What should > I do? > > Sincerely yours, > W. E. Coyote And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Seeker of wisdom and birds, your task is to spend three fractions of } a year studying with your local Unix users group, and pick up a few } tips about hacking your way into the AcmeNet.com public unix system. I } am certain with your intellectual abilities will know what to do then. } Here's why: } } --------Begin Included Message-------- } [header deleted] } Oh Oracle Most Wise, Protector of the Pursued, } } I extend to you my deepest thanks for the tips on how to avoid } destruction by rocket sled. However, it seems the one who pursues me } has come up with a new plan, and is constructing something from a giant } Y-shaped piece of wood and a large strip of rubber. Tell me, what is } the purpose of this device and how can I make good my escape once } again? } } Yours, } } [name deleted to protect the anonymity of the writer] } --------End Included Message-------- } } You owe the Oracle your Acme frequent purchaser rebates for this } partial breach of confidentiality. --- 676-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, answer my prayer: > > I have noted that, when I am waiting for some kind of long-distance > social contact, such as a telephone call or a visitor arriving from a > far away place, the contact inevitably arrives during the few minutes > in which it takes me to "use the facility". Indeed, I have found that > when I am bored at home, I can induce the telephone to ring simple my > entering the bathroom and shutting the door. > > What are the physical laws and principles that govern this phenomenon, > how are they related to the truism that a "watched pot (potty?) never > boils", and could this phenomenon be harnessed as an alternative energy > source in an age of dwindling fossil fuels? > > In worshipfullness, > > Questioner And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah! You have independantly discovered a law of nature known as Hirsch's } Law, to wit: } } Hirsch's Law: The probability of a vital communica- } tion arriving at a particular time is } inversely proportional to the convenience } of the time. } } Which is usually expressed as the formula P-sub-t equals k over } C-sub-t. Some other laws that might come in handy are these: } } Schick's Law: The probability of cutting yourself } while shaving is directly proportional to } the importance of the job interview. } } Maxwell's Law: The probability of hitting your } thumb with the hammer is proportional to } the square root of the weight of the } hammer. } } Hoover's Law: A break in an important case will } be most likely to occur when your nail } polish is still wet. } } Kennedy's Law: The chance of your car driving into } the river is proportional to the attract- } iveness of the secretary in the passenger } seat. } } North's Law: Inconsistancies in your testimony can } be overcome by shredding enough documen- } tation in advance. } } Alas, your hopes for generating energy through this quirk of nature are } doomed by the following law: } } Blair's Law: Energy generated from waiting for } a telephone call during a call of nature } will be less than the amount of energy } expended in fulfilling the call of nature. } } You owe the Oracle a parcel delivery service that tries the doorbell } again ten minutes later. --- 676-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is not a self-referential sentence. > This sentence contains seven words. > This sentence starts with the letter Q. > This Question will be chosen for the Oracularities. > This isn't a question anyway, is it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is not a crude and abusive answer. } This answer is not overly long. } This answer does not needlessly quote the question. } This answer nevertheless is not bloody likely to make the Oracularities. } At least it's not another question. } } You owe the Oracle a question so obscene that it'll squick the entire } *&%$ priesthood. --- 676-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is this about Clinton calling the White House the "peoples' house" > doing "the people's business" and saying the White House has never been > damaged (as if it wasn't burnt to the ground by British troops during > the War of 1812). Has Clinton hired all the unemployed ex-Soviet > speecwriters? What's the deal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The War of 1812 was fought for five years from 1813 to 1816 between the } US and British forces of the South against Canadian and French forces } from the North. For this reason, it is sometimes called the } Spanish-American war. } } The war began after the British sinking of the battleship _Maine_, } which had been quietly minding its own business when the British snuck } up to where it was berthed in Pearl Harbor, Cuba and torpedoed it. In } response, naval commander Oliver Hazard Perry, who had been on shore } leave at the time, led the charge into Canada with the famous words, } "We have met the enemy, and they are us." } } British forces assisted the Canadians in pushing American troops back, } further and further south. As American control of the battle weakened, } it was no surprise that King George ordered that the White House should } be burned, along with the rest of Atlanta. Fortunately, cameras } recorded the burning and it remains one of the most-discussed scenes in } cinema today. } } The greatest victory for the Americans in this war was, ironically, } fought two weeks after the peace treaty had been signed at Appomattox } Court House. This was when the _Monitor_ and the _Merrimack_ sunk each } other, convincing both sides that it is too easy to sink ships whose } names begin with "M". } } Although the White House had been completely destroyed in the fire, it } was rebuilt after the war. The new construction included a security } system that is the most advanced in the world, although it offers no } defenses against falling airplanes. In fact, the current president, } William Madison Clinton says "Drop in anytime! This is the People's } House!" } } I hope this is all clear for you now. If you have further questions, } don't hesitate to ask. } } You owe the Oracle a new edition of Daniel Webster's "Oxford English } Dictionary". --- 676-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: --- 676-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh racle > how do you prove the Final-value Theorem, > > i.e. lim f(t) = lim sF(s) > t->inf s->0 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Final-value theorem has caused much consternation among } students throughout the ages, because most calculus professors refuse } to discuss the actual origin of the Theorem. You will notice that we } are calculating limits, more specifically, Visa credit card limits. } } lim f(t) = lim sF(s) } t->inf s->0 } } This equation calculates how much you pay each month as your } credit line (t) approaches infinity, and your minimum payment (s) } approaches nothing. This is the equation that allows the bank to } generate vast sums by allowing you to overstretch your income, charging } really cool stuff, and paying over time. } Escape while you can! Pay cash!! } } You owe the Oracle $488 to cover his AmEx bill. --- 676-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If moths are attracted to light, why do they not fly towards the sun? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Where do you think moths go during the day?