From oracle-request Sun Jul 24 15:12:46 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA19940; Sun, 24 Jul 1994 15:12:46 -0500 Date: Sun, 24 Jul 1994 15:12:46 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #666 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 666 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #666 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 24 Jul 1994 15:12:46 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 666 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 661 74 votes 4qof5 7apn9 5jve5 0fmt8 75coq 7pmf5 ctjb3 5bnr8 gjp77 fvia0 661 3.0 mean 2.9 3.2 2.9 3.4 3.8 2.8 2.5 3.3 2.6 2.3 --- 666-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle, who devised numerology as a way to keep mathematicians > occupied and invented televangelists to keep the brainless occupied, > how can I get into oracularity 666? I have already purchased the > prerequisite "Satan's Oracularity Silver Celebration Candelabra" from > the Franklin Mint, sacrificied a couple of chickens, and lit a large > number of blood scented candles. I've moved all the furniture in my > office into the hallway [I don't have to worry about someone stealing > it, everyone has left my wing because of the 3 steps I took > previously], drawn a pentagram in the middle of my office, and put my > workstation in it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, sounds like serious efforts. However, seems to me you're } confusing me with some clown in a red suit with a pointy tail. } } You owe the Oracle an Oracle's Oracularity Platinum Celebration } Menorah, the sacrifice of two buxom young virgins to me (alive } preferably), a large number of pine scented lava lamps, moving all of } your assets into my swiss bank account, and drawing a hexagon around } your workstation. --- 666-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Magnificent and Wise Oracle, who always knows when he's not wanted, > not that he ever is (not wanted)... > > This boy I know keeps asking me out. I don't want to go out with > him, but I also don't want to hurt his feelings. I always tell him > that I can't see him because I have to wash my hair, but he never > takes the hint. He just keeps calling me. What should I do? > > - The Breck Girl And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Brecky: } You're simply using your hair as an excuse, and not only is } that dishonest, it's not very imaginative. Why not tell him you } have to bust a drug ring or save the universe from alien invasion? } But since you've already used the hair bit, I'm afraid you're stuck } with it. Let's see what we can do... } I can see a couple of possible solutions. First, and most } obvious, is to simply stop washing your hair (go a couple of weeks } for best results), then go out with him. Should only take one date. } Or, eliminate the excuse - Shave your head. Then maybe get some } tattoos on your scalp and tell him you can't go out with him because } you're saving yourself for Satan. Twitch a lot when you say it. } If all else fails, simply smash him over the head with a wooden } mallot whenever he gets within reach. After about three or four good } whacks, he should get the picture. } } You owe the Oracle a date and a bottle of shampoo. --- 666-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I want to become a Devil's Advocate when I grow up. What are the best > schools for this, and what sort of preparatory classes should I be > taking? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Looking at your aptitudes, I believe Devils Advocacy is the wrong } choice for you. Besides, job openings in D.A. are down 37 percent } from five years ago. Your aptitudes strongly suggest you should } seek a career working with animals, rather than evil supernatural } entities. I suggest you consider the following career } opportunities in stead: } } Counting chickens before they hatch: Many large poultry farms are } planning to expand their Premature Poultry Inventory Management } departments. Consider this job a sure-thing! } } Beating dead horses: Due to political pressures applied by the } A.S.P.C.A., horse beating is now being performed post-mortem. } If you're interested in this career, be redundantly repetitive } in your studies, especially after graduation and after you're out } of school. } } Cat skinning: There's more than one way to do this, so remain } open-minded. } } Bird harvest via stone throwing: If you can achieve a two-to-one } bird-to-stone ratio, you'll do very well. The exercise inherent } in this career is also very healthy, which is an added bonus. } } Taking bulls by the horns: In addition to rodeo jobs, there are } often opening for people with this skill in the ranch industry. } Get right out there and give it your all! } } You owe the Oracle a horse of a different color. --- 666-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have heard that 666 is the number of the beast, and I don't > understand. What does 666 have to do with woodchucks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 666 is the amount of wood a Woodchuck would chuck if a Woodchuck could } chuck wood (expresed in liters/hour). But now that you know that, you } will probably fire off another question asking "How did this come to } be?". So to save time, I will tell you right now. } Back when the Earth was young and God had just created the Man, } the Cat, the Aardvark, the Waterbuffalo, the Tacky Pink Plastic Lawn } Flamingo and (of course) the Oracle (only to have them splash down into } very smelly mud as he had yet to create the continents), things were } running pretty smooth. The beasts worked in the fields of man, the lawn } flamingos made peoples houses look tacky and the Oracle answered the } questions of Man. It was this last thing that annoyed God. For back in } those days, all the questions sent by man to the oracle were inteligent } and well thought out. God felt that the Oracle was getting it too easy. } He decided to create something that would cause people to beriddle the } Oracle with stupid questions of no importance. He thought a bit and } then Proclaimed "I have it! Nothing is more confusing to people than a } misnamed creature". And so God brought forth a luckless creature and he } Named it the Woodchuck. Said the woodchuck unto God "How much wood can } I chuck?" and God said "None! Thou Shalt Not Chuck Wood!". Upon hearing } this, the Woodchuck became curious. } } "If I am not to chuck wood, what shall I think about all day? And what } if I could chuck would? How much wood would I chuck then? And-" } } "SILENCE!" roared god. "I shall answer your first two questions, but } ask me no more. You tell me what you think about all day." } } "Easy!, I think about SEX, SEX, SEX all day long. But what about the } other question?" } } "You have given the answer yourself! You shall be able to chuck 666 } litres of wood per hour" } And with that, God sent the woodchuck down to earth to wreak havok on } the Oracle's preace and quiet. But that is another story. } } You owe the Oracle a way to get back at God for oll these @#%$#@# } woodchuck questions. --- 666-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there really an evil being in the Usenet called > the Elcaro? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Absolutely! And if you play his oracularities backward, they } sound like the chittering of woodchucks! --- 666-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many code reviews does it take to check in a change? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [We're sorry. Due to a bug in the latest version of the Usenet } Oracle, the answer to your question has been deleted.] --- 666-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Isn't it sexist to have helium and not shelium? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course it is. In many ways English is a sexist language - after } all, we don't sing hers in church, the singular of people is not } perdaughter, and there doesn't appear to be womanslaughter. On the } other hand, we don't hear heep, don't drink herry, don't get himpes } and drug users haven't yet discovered himoin. } } All in all, it sort of balances out. } } You owe the Oracle a solution to the war in Bosnia-Himtzegovena. --- 666-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > who is i And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } i is imaginary! } } You owe the Oracle a book on non-Euclidian geometry! --- 666-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and mighty and sexually talented Oracle.... > > How can I tell if my girlfriend is faking her orgasms or not when we > have sex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The 10 ways you can tell if your girlfriend is faking an orgasm: } } 10. You overhear her speaking to her best friend: "Am I still a virgin } if I've never had an orgasm?" } } 9. She answers the phone: "Hello? No, I'm not doing anything } important. What are _you_ doing?" } } 8. She's taking an acting class on faking orgasms. } } 7. You took her to a Broadway show, and now she's tired and just wants } some sleep. (Long live Seinfeld!!!) } } 6. She asks: "Would you mind if I invited a friend over to finish the } job?" } } 5. She says: "We're going to be on Oprah next week." } } 4. She has an orgasm 15 seconds after asking "Are you in yet?" } } 3. Afterwards, she says, "You're the best, baby! That oughtta } hold me for a few weeks." } } 2. During the act, you ask "Will you regret this in the morning?" and } she replies "I'm regretting this right now." } } 1. She says: "Oh, yes! Oh yes! Are you done yet? You're not? OK. } Oh, yes! Oh, yes!" } } The Oracle will give you $1,000,000 for one night with your girlfriend. --- 666-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, wisest one of the ether-space, please tell me how a > respondent in your stead can become recognized as one of your > truly great prophets, like Steve Kinzler, Scott Forbes, Harold the > Foot, Darkmage, Dr. Nucleus, Lisa Loeb, J. Zimmerman or Carole > Fungaroli? > > P.S. Enclosed, as payment for her dues, is Carole S. Fungaroli's > pancreas And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Playful grasshopper, you're still learning. You use words without yet } knowing their meaning. You're not a respondent. I'm a respondent, } because I am responding to you. Look at the words "respondent in your } stead [i.e., place]." Because I know all, I know that you meant to } write the word "I" instead of "respondent in your stead." In other } words, you want to know how to become one of my "prophets" (like } Darkmage and Harold the Foot). The people you named are part of my } priesthood. Their vocation is priest, not prophet. Incidentally, } trust me when I tell you that Carole S. Fungaroli has already paid her } dues. } } Frisky puppy, there are two aspects to becoming one of my priests: } procedural and substantial. } } The procedural aspect is simple: post a request to rec.humor.oracle.d. } Humbly ask to become one of my priests, giving the same, exemplary } priests' names that you gave me. } } The substantial aspect of becoming one of my priests is difficult. You } must be worthy of the priesthood. Many people (cruelly) say that this } requires having no sense of humor, or at least an erratic one. Like an } umpire, priests decide what's in and what's out. No one has umpire } trading cards. Understand? Thus, to prepare, you must get used to } doing difficult, thankless work. Become a door-to-door taxidermist. } Sell tickets to Haiti. Become a claims adjuster for an insurance } company in Rwanda. } } You don't just want to be a priest, you want to be one of my "truly } great" priests. Rambunctious foal, you are ambitious. As you must } have noticed, Carole S. Fungaroli's pancreas is long, soft, and } irregularly shaped. A short, hard, or regularly shaped pancreas is a } predictor of mediocrity as a priest. Your pancreas is short, hard, and } regularly shaped. You may want to buy my special pancreas-lengthener, } -softener, and -mis-shaper (for only three, easy, monthly payments of } $50.00 which you may charge on most, major, credit cards). In only a } few, short weeks, you'll have a long, soft, irregularly shaped } pancreas. Your friends and neighbors will admire you. You'll be on } the road to greatness. The pancreas-lengthener (which is based on the } same, scientific principle that enables highly sophisticated, old } satellites to return to the earth) is all you need to impress my } priest-selectors. Everyone else has to pay $150.00 but, because I like } you, I am making it available (for a limited time only) for only three } payments of $50.00 each. I know you'll make the right decision. } } Once you become one of my priests, you'll need a special, priestly } decoder ring ($9.99), a satin robe with the Oracular insignia } emroidered on the back ($76.95), a priestly license-plate-holder } ($8.75), an official pen (with the words "Priest of the Oracle" in gold } letters) to be used for all official duties ($3.96), a priestly modem } ($699.90), a priestly cap and wand ($9.99 separately, $16.99 for both } if both are bought at the same time), an embosser used to emboss } documents with your priestly seal ($38.95), and an impressive, } silver-foil packet containing blue ribbons and red wax used in } conjunction with the embosser ($8.99). } } You'll probably want to apply for a Priesthood Credit Card (24.1% APR). } It's in beautiful, gold-colored plastic, with your color photograph } permanently imprinted on the front (rendering the card suitable for use } as identification). } } Have a nice day.