From oracle-request Mon Jul 11 07:41:32 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA01937; Mon, 11 Jul 1994 07:41:32 -0500 Date: Mon, 11 Jul 1994 07:41:32 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #662 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 662 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #662 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 11 Jul 1994 07:41:32 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 662 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 657 48 votes 7hj41 6ica2 18jc8 48ka6 8ai66 djc31 59di3 3bfc7 bhf41 19ff8 657 2.9 mean 2.5 2.7 3.4 3.1 2.8 2.2 3.1 3.2 2.3 3.4 --- 662-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great & Wise Oracle: > I have heard that Revenge is a dish best served cold. But shall I > serve it with a nice Bordeaux, or perhaps a Sauterne? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In this day and age, few can afford to serve revenge as a main course. } The average person is lucky if he or she can get away with serving } Revenge A La Mode as a light dessert without being dragged into court } and bankrupted. Your guests will no doubt be shocked to see such an } expensive delicacy served in such abundance. I recommend you serve it } only for dinner, never for lunch, and always with red wine. } } You owe the Oracle a case of Budweiser, a sawed-off shotgun, fifty } rounds, and a pickup truck. --- 662-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh most wise Oracle: > > What will happen at LemurCon '94? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 2pm Wed President Clinton will show up to give the opening address } and find nobody home. } } 2am Thu President Clinton will fail to show up for the opening } address. The organizers will scramble to find a nocturnal } celebrity. They'll manage to get Jack Hanna to say a few } words; he'll say he was having trouble sleeping anyway, but } in fact he really digs lemurs. } } 2:30am "Discrimination Against Lemurs and Other Nocturnal Animals by } Government and Industry." Organizations continue to insist } on daytime working hours despite evidence that it increases } fatigurelated accidents and exacerbates rush hour congestion } on highways. } } 3:30am Lunch and tree-climbing break. The National Arboretum is } just up the street from the hotel. } } 4am "Living With A Tail Impairment." Tail-impaired lemurs will } answer questions and dispel myths about tree-climbing, } discrimination, and societal acceptance. } } 5am "Lemur Action Plan for 1995." Long-term plans for rallies, } marches, and protests will be discussed. Lessons learned } from the Midnight March on Washington which failed to attract } any significant media attention will be discussed. } } 6am Tree-climbing break. Avoid the pear tree; it'll dump you. } } 7am Reception in the Jungle Room with furry entertainment. Drew } Barrymore will wander down in a bathrobe looking for coffee. } Don't miss it. } } You owe the Oracle a detailed map of Madagascar. --- 662-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me something about the covered bridge area of Indiana. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, in certain regions of Indiana, they like to do things their own } way -- they never go on Daylight Savings Time, they don't participate } in cow tipping (preferring the much more manly sport of bull tipping), } and instead of the standard American game of contract bridge, they play } a variant called covered bridge, so called because nobody gets to see } his/her own cards during the bidding (this cuts down on the problems } of covert signalling). A typical hand: } } North: ? } ? } ? } East: ? ? West: ? } ? ? } ? ? } ? South: ? ? } ? } ? } ? } } The bidding: North East South West } Pass 1 Club Double 4 Spades } Pass Pass Pass 4 No Trump } Pass 6 Diamonds Pass Pass } Pass Pass } } East starts by bidding one club, reasoning that since there are only } four suits and he has thirteen cards, he's bound to have clubs of some } kind. South doubles, reasoning that he is just as likely to have clubs } as East is. West, in response to South's double, decides that he had } better get out of clubs, and decides to try for game in spades. } The three subsequent passes give him no additional information, } so he bids the usual 4 notrump to ask East how many aces he has. } East's response, under the Modified Blackwood Convention, means } "How the hell should I know how many aces I have?", and thus East and } West end up in a small slam diamond contract. (Subsequent play showed } North to have a total of 37 points, so E/W did not make this contract, } but it was generally agreed that the bidding had been well-played } anyway). } } You owe the Oracle a penny a point. --- 662-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Was Christianity made up by some (very intelligent) community leaders a > long time ago to try to scare people into acting civilized? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not at all - it was actually invented to dispose of surplus } population and keep the lions fed. Here are some other religions } and how they got started: } } Buddhism: This was begun as a publicity campaign for Orangina, } later being hijacked by the Tango group. } } Norse: The Vikings started this one as an excuse to go out at } nights, drink too much ale, get into fights and wake } up next morning somewhere in Britain, France (or in } extreme cases, Greenland) with no idea of how you got } there or who the woman asleep next to you is. } } Catholic: A variant of Christianity launched by the Mafia. It's } teachings include the amassing of wealth and power. } } Protestant: Another variant, which releases it's followers from } the strict rules of the original, providing "they are } moved by the spirit", including sodomy, women father } figures and clapping during sermons. } } Marxism: A "reductio ad absurdum" begun during rag week at a } religious seminary. It was intended to show the } fundamental flaws in all religions, but ended up as a } sort of "non-religion" itself. } } Aztec: Initially intended as a way to get a guilt-free } suntan, the Aztec religion became distorted by the } Incas, who demonstrated that lying naked on top of a } Ziggurat was simply too tempting. } } Druidism: A "crop-circle" prank which got out of hand. } } Satanism: Began as a circle of pigeon fanciers, encountering } problems when one of the members produced a black } cockerel and went from bad to worse. } } Jehovahs } Witnesses: A joke which nobody has got yet. } } Seventh Day } Adventists: This one was actually started by God, but } unfortunately He wrote the wrong date in his filofax. } The followers are unwilling to change their name to } the Seventh Millenium Adventists. } } Hopefully this will clear up any doubts you may have. --- 662-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most glorious Oracle, our Beacon of Wisdom, Enlightener of the > Unworthy, the world's Lighthouse of Great Knowledge, the One of the > really bright and shiny teeth (talk about pearlly white!), I beseech > you. > > I have recently noticed that Your Pearls of Wisdom are numbered, O most > glorious One. This unworthy and humble supplicant craves an answer to > a question (if you would spare me a moment, O Beacon of Wisdom): What > happens after digest 665 is published? O Enlightener of the Unworthy, > I pray thee, guide us away from the rocks of ignorance, O Lighthouse of > Great Knowledge! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ------ Begin forwarded message ---------- } From: bbub@hell.com } Subject: Memo: Ongoing Legal Action } To: legal-dept@hell.com } cc: other-devine@hell.com } } It has come to our attention that a competing agency, Oracle } and Associates, of Indiana, USA is planning to use a registered } trademark of our firm for its own purposes. As the use of our } symbol, the trademarked "Number of the Beast," by this agency would } be detrimental to its value to us as a trademark, this action must } be prevented. } } It is clear that Oracle and Associates, through its actions to provide } truth and enlightenment to the mortal world, is acting in direct } opposition to our own purposes. Therefore, opposition of this agency } forwards the corporate objectives in two ways: } (1) Protects the value of corporate trademarks. } (2) Hinders the distribution of competing product. } } The legal department is therefore directed to take appropriate legal } action to prevent Oracle and Associates use of corporate } trademarks. Further, the department shall take advantage of its } considerable staff resources to bring additional entangling } suits against the Oracle to court. } } BZB } -------- End forwarded message --------- } } My response started out, "If you try to get us in court, you'll } rot in ..." but I don't think they got it. I'm sure we'll work } something out, but you may notice a slight delay in service. } } You owe the oracle a "twinkie defense" for the omniscient. --- 662-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the temperature outside so hot? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 19:03:23 -0500 } From: MAILER-DEMON@styx.hell.org (Mail Delivery Subsystem) } Subject: Returned mail: Unauthorized Address } Message-Id: <199405250003.AA18004@styx.hell.org> } To: supplicant@lakeoffire.hell.org } Cc: satin@hell.org } } Attn: email user - external email access denied. If access } required please contact any of the thousands of unix system } administrators avilable to serve you here. --- 662-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty Oracle, whose being transcends all physical > limitations and who can eat a whole box of Oreos without gaining an > ounce, please tell me... > > Why is it that I haven't eaten anything for 4 days and I still haven't > lost any weight? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, finally. A question that does not require ZOTing! } } It is because you need to go into a lower gravity environment, such as } the Moon. On the moon, you lose 5/6 of your weight! Another good } place to try would be the next space shuttle mission (if you pay them } enough, they will take you up there and launch you for $100,000,000 per } gram). That will lower your weight to virtually zero! Of course, that } does nothing about your mass. } } To lower your mass, you must move. Sitting at a terminal for 4 days } will not move you enough to lose mass. Try swimming, if the weather is } nice. Or running, if the weather is nice. Or maybe just walking, if } the weather is nice. Of course, you're out of luck if the weather } isn't nice. Try swimming in your toilet, running around your kitchen } table, or walking endlessly though your house. Those are good ways to } get on a more enduring regiment, since most mental facilities have } manditory excercise programs. --- 662-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, Oracle > Burning bright > In the darkness of the night > what immortal hand or eye > lit the match that made you fry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Born out of a primordial pool of light } The Oracle divided from the night } And down the celestial path it wended } ZOT! Foolish mortal, your life is ended. --- 662-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello, pitiful Earthling. We have just landed on your nasty little > planet. Can you give us one good reason why we should not destroy > it immediately? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rice Krispie treats. --- 662-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > True or False? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I _told_ you, I will not be forced into choosing between two incorrect, } over-simplified answers! Either you let me explain it completely or } I'm leaving right now. These psychological tests are a load of crap!