From oracle-request Thu Jun 23 16:39:17 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA12641; Thu, 23 Jun 1994 16:39:17 -0500 Date: Thu, 23 Jun 1994 16:39:17 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #657 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 657 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #657 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 23 Jun 1994 16:39:17 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 657 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 652 80 votes 9qtf1 hijl5 vrg60 rqc78 8woc4 gegnb 5fmlh dpfha 0cfxk apki7 652 2.8 mean 2.7 2.7 2.0 2.3 2.6 3.0 3.4 2.8 3.8 2.8 --- 657-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a friend with a double degree in English and Political Science > looking for job opportunities. He is especially interested in military > defense systems and foreign policy. Does anybody know of any bulletin > boards, databases, or ANY other resouces where he might find openings? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The degree in "English and Political Science" is one of the most } interesting of the newer majors that have been created in the last few } decades. Your friend's case is peculiar; not only did he receive this } difficult degree once, but he went for it *twice*. } } The English and Political Science field is basically a study of how the } English language and the English people relate to the complex field of } government. I suggest that your friend fly to England and run for } a seat in Parliament. If he's lucky, he'll eventually become a } minister and become part of the Cabinet. Your friend's training in the } English language and English people should serve him well, and a seat } in Parliament will provide your friend with an up-close view of } political science. } } I can't imagine why your friend is interested in military defense } systems. If he is, I don't know why he would have majored in English } and Political Science. I think the field of "Latin and Nuclear } Physics" or perhaps "Music and Strategy" would have been more up his } alley. } } Wish your friend the best of luck. And tell him that if he can't find } a job, he can always go back to his college and major for his *third* } time in English and Political Science. The more degrees one has, the } more impressive one's resume will be to potential employers. --- 657-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear mister Oracle, > > since your name is Oracle, are you related to the company with the same > name? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's *Ms.* Oracle in this incarnation, pal, and no, I am not } related to the database company. Your question is equivalent to } asking "Is Jackson Pollack related to Michael Jackson?" You see, } Oracle is their first name, Corporation is their last name. In my } case T. Usenet is the first name, and Oracle is the last name. } Capisce? } } You owe the Oracle a box of chocolates and flowers. She gets very } testy when people call Her "mister". --- 657-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wonderful Oracle, Oracle who can pull a rabbit out of > his hat, Oracle with a million jokes, Oracle the master of impressions, > please help me.. > > I need a vacation. I want to get away from work for a while and just > forget about the whole rat-race. But I don't know where I should go. > Can you give me any suggestions for good vacations? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ftp world.std.com] } Connecting... } [login oracle] } Password? } [****] } Logged in. } [cd pub/Oracle/services/world/travel] } CWD accepted } [get recommend.94] } Port opened...36476 bytes transferred. } cat recommend.94 } ORACLE TRAVEL SERVICES } } Thank you for using ORACLE TRAVEL SERVICES. This document is } designed to help you choose a vacation IDEAL for you. The list } below contains the ten vacation spots that our staff believe } would be best for you. } } 1. Constantinople. This bustling and quaint capital of the } Ottoman Empire is exciting, mysterious, and can be reached by } the romantic Orient Expr^C } } [get recommend.1994] } Port opened...13454 bytes transferred. } cat recommend.1994 } ORACLE TRAVEL SERVICES, INC. } } Thanks for using OTSI, SUPPLICANT. I've gone over an extensive } list of over 12,340 possible vacations and compared them with } what I know of your tastes. According to you, your top concerns } in choosing a vacation spot are COST, EXCITEMENT, and EXOTIC } LOCALE. Well, SUPPLICANT, I think I've found the perfect } vacation! I've listed the best below, but I think you'll see } the one just for you, SUPPLICANT! } } 1. P'yong-yang, North Korea. P'yong-yang, a bustling city of } 1,500,000, offers many delights for the discriminating tourist. } From the picturesque Scud-launchers to the Kim Chee stands } overlooking the DMZ, you can't help but be enchanted by the } natural beauty of the landscape and the friendly, open people. } For only pennies of hard currency, you can enjoy delicious meals } and quality hotels. Only a half an hour drive away is the } Yongbon Nuclear Plant museum, where tour guides will explain how } Plutonium is extracted and enriched. } } 2. Krasnoyarsk, Russian Federation. Once the site of an enormous } "space surveillance" radar, Krasnoyarsk is now a sleepy college } town, holding world-famous Krasnoyarsk University. KU made an } impact when the successfully grew fungus in a completely self- } contained eco-system. One day, this technology will be used to } send fungus to other planets. In the meantime, tourists can } find endless entertainment at the Russian Mafia-sponsored Black } Market in military goods; the ruins of the "civil" space radar; } or, a favorite among visitors, the giant ground-based laser that } was used for "research" purposes. Say hello to the helpful } security guards. } } 3. Brcko, Bosnia-Hercegovina. Although many historical sites } of Brcko have been unfortunately destroyed in the war, for example } the famous Itzoban Bridge, the four-hundred year-old statue of } Adoman Karobodan, the Gardens of Grpd, the historical Tower of } Lipdoj, the Museum of Hercegovinan Pottery, the Roman Empire } aquaducts, the cannon left by the Turkish invasion of 1583, the } Castle of the Hansburg family, pre-Roman cave paintings, a mill } dating from the 1700s, there is still much to do in Brcko! } Warning: those traveling with small children will want to bring } suitable reading matter. } } 4. Port-au-Prince, Haiti. Haitian for "Port Gold Prince", Port- } au-Prince has more character than any other Western Hemisphere } city. Visit the Voodoo Museum, where Charles Gandolfo will } demonstrate actual voodoo ceremonies. Take a day trip to the } Dominican Republic border, and watch the follies as wily } smugglers bring gasoline and oil across the border. Or spend } a relaxing evening watching the sun set over the United States } Navy. } } 5. Mogadishu, Somalia. A Somali word meaning "Saigon", Mogadishu } lives up to its name. Heavily spiced food can be enjoyed at } the Chinese Embassy restaurant, and there is excellent furniture } shopping at Farah's Furniture (right next to the American embassy). } Nightly firework shows will entrance you, as parades of cheerful } Somalis in jeeps speed down the road. Pick up some souvineer } pieces of UH-60 Blackhawk helicopters, or just some AK-47s at } the quaint arms markets. } } Well, SUPPLICANT, I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun on your vacation. } Please use OTSI the next time you're planning a vacation! } } [quit] } Logoff at 16:32 EST. } [mail supplicant@bozo.edu] } [~r recommend.1994] } [You owe the Oracle a Fodor's for Indiana.] } [.] } [logout] --- 657-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a new microwave oven but I have got bored using it to cook food. > Please oh oracle, can you suggest some alternative uses for it And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle's Top Ten list of things to do with your microwave oven } when you get bored with using it to cook food: } } 10. Sell it, and use the money for a short course in any of the } following topics: } - how to conjugate verbs } - how to use capital letters when addressing Omnipotent Beings } - how to punctuate the end of a sentence } 9. Take it into the living room and use it as a step while doing } your step-areobics workout. } 8. Use it as a hair dryer. } 7. Seal up the door and all interior holes, then cut a hole in the top } and use it as an aquarium (note: you won't have to buy a heater to } keep the water warm, just run the microwave for 3 minutes daily). } 6. Start experimenting with explosives, and use the microwave to } heat-seal your PVC pipe bombs. } 5. Wrap the cord around the middle and use it like a yo-yo (this } works well as part of your fitness program referenced in #9) } 4. Plant it in your back yard to see if it will grow into something } that interests you (Rumor has it that nuclear power plants are } actually grown this way) } 3. Use it to dry and fire bricks made from the mud in your back yard; } you should be able to complete half of a nice barbequeue pit } before the oven goes up in flames; then use it to start your first } bbq fire. } 2. Stick your foot in it, fill it with quick-drying cement, and go for } a swim in the neighbor's pool; the added weight will turn swimming } into the final touch in your exercise program (see #9 and #5). } 1. Bypass the door-open safety mechanism and use the open oven to try } to send your own broadcasts to the local TV station's microwave } receiver (additional hardware required). --- 657-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have long been in awe of your most magnificent and munificent > responses to the questions of Earth-bound and humble mortals like > myself. The time has come for me to ask of you the question which > has bothered me and my kind since time immemorial: > > Why is it that French teachers in the UK always come from Leeds, > Manchester, Newcastle or other Northern cities? Instead of saying: > 'Bonjour la classe' they always mangle it into: > 'Bonn-dgewer lah clahss' or some other incomprehensible weirdness. > > Is this the same the world over? Is there some universal and > infallible law which states that anybody with an accent which > vaguely resembles French is not allowed to teach on pain of death? > Or is this just one of those strange mysteries that make up this > rich fabric we call education? > > I remain, Sir/Madam/Multi-Dimensional Being of Omniscience and > Omnipresence, your obedient and humble servant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dgieu parl too lay long-uh hoomane, may dgieu reu-grett, dgieu neu peu } pah ray-pondruh ah tonn kess-tion. --- 657-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most trendy, > Whose answers are concise and seldom windy, > And whose knowledge is far-ranging, > The Oracular mascot seems to be changing. > > We once had...you know...quack, quack, quack. > And now...a marmot lumberjack. > These changes are so confusing, > Though doubtless they're meant to be amusing. > > Could it be, the tribal totem > Is determined by one's scrotum? > And Mr. Woodchuck and Mr. Duck > Are used because they rhyme with fuck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant most extreme, } your question does seem, } to suggest to me, } your desire for a bird and a bee, } } Your insolence has been heard, } and the supplicant does deserve, } to hear about Mr Duck, } and stunning Miss Woodchuck, } } the Oracle unfortunately, } is being rated by Disney, } thus your imagination will be } all of them you shall see. } } The Usenet Oracle (incarnated as miked@ikos.com) } } You owe the Oracle one bird, one bee, one duck and a flustered } woodchuck. --- 657-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > q2 > 2 > q > > a And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Again with the chess puzzles? All right -- but this is the last time. } We start off with a queen sacrifice, i.e. 1 Q-K3, giving us } } q2 } 2 } q } } a } } -- note that the white queen is now threatening both the black queen } and the black archbishop. Black is thus forced to take the white queen } (1 . . . QxQ), thus freeing up our doppelganger to move into attacking } position (2 2-QB5!), giving us } } 2 } 2 } q } } a } } Black, despite his apparent material advantage, is now in a classic } zugzwang position. He has to move either his doppelganger or archbishop } (since he has no king), but every such move is a loser, since White's } doppel now controls the QB file and Black's own queen is blocking } the diagonal escape route. We get a trivial mate in two. } } You owe the Oracle a king-side castle in the air. --- 657-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Wise Oracle whose brightness is only slightly less the Mr. > Clinton's, thats George not Bill. I no longer ponder the meaning of > life, I am well satisfied with my current lot, but I am troubled. > Please help. I really need to know whether nipple piercing is chic, > fashionable and rather good-looking or just one of those fads - like > getting a stigmata done just for the hell of it ? > PC And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I gotta tell you, around here at the Oracle Tough Being's Workout } Club and Crawfishatorium, we think that nipple piercing is kind of } disgusting. } } Picture the following: You're on a 747 that's about to take off from } Singapore airport. Your butt's already sore after your prison term, and } at the last minute a JAL DC-3 cuts you off, and the pilot of your plane } has no choice but to dump it into the slums at the end of the runway. } (Work with me here, we're getting to it.) So it's your turn to slide } down that big yellow plastic slippery-slide to escape to safety. You } were nearest to the exit door, or else you were the only one paying } attention when they pointed them out, so you're about first in line and } there are a bunch of Catholic Youth Order kids behind you that are in a } panic. So are you going to slide down on your throbbing buttocks? I } hardly think so. You have to take a header down the slide, do a } belly-flop on the vinyl and scoot on down. If there's even one little } uneven spot in that slide, your nipples are staying in Singapore. } } Here at the Oracle Steroid Parlor and Hello Sailor Lounge, we go more } in for the subler forms of self-mutilation, like - well never mind, I } don't think you could take it. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of denatured alcohol. --- 657-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Okay, here's my problem: the farmer comes to the riverbank > and finds the bridge washed out; thank goodness there's a > boat. Bad news, the boat can only hold the farmer and one > other. > > The farmer has an Oracle, a woodchuck, and a pile of wood. > He can't leave the Oracle and the woodchuck alone together > because the Oracle would zot the woodchuck, and he can't > leave the woodchuck and the pile of wood alone together > because the woodchuck would chuck the wood. > > How the hecl does he get everything across safely? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First the puissant Oracle and the humble pile of wood take the boat } across the river. The Oracle leaves the wood on the opposite side of } the river, then returns to the farmer and the woodchuck. The farmer } and the shrewd Oracle cross the river, and the Oracle stays with the } pile of wood while the farmer recrosses the river to retrieve the } woodchuck. The farmer and the woodchuck join the Oracle and the wood } on the opposite side of the river, and the merry crew cavort along } their way and all live happily ever after. } } Yr obt srvt, } } Rachel --- 657-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and Powerful Oracle, in whose path even woodchucks fear to tread, > this humble supplicant was a major problem: it is so unfair that I have > to spend an entire seventh of my life on Mondays. What can be done? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The great and wise Oracle has several possible solutions to your } prolem. } } 1) Cryogenics. Turn up your freezer to 'High' or 'Fast Freeze' and get } in it on Sunday night. Remember to ask someone to take you out on } Tuesday and put you in the microwave. (Make sure your microwave has a } 'Defrost and Revive' setting). } } 2) Monday avoidance. Simply keep moving west sufficiently fast for } Monday to never catch up with you. At the equator this means an } average speed of ~1000mph (Don't forget to allow for refueling and rest } breaks) but if you travel to the North or South Poles first, and locate } them with suffient accuracy, it can be done comfortably at walking } pace. } } 3) Time dilation. All you have to do is buy a fast enough space ship, } and accelerate hard during Sunday, to reach 99.9999% of the speed of } light by midnight. Due to time dilation Monday will pass in a mere } matter of seconds. You can then decelerate and enjoy the rest of the } week. If you wait till Friday before decelerating you can enjoy a } longer weekend as well. } } If you are interested, the Oracle is an approved dealer for } re-conditioned light speed space ships, in excellent condition, some } with low milage and only one previous careful old lady martian owner, } available at bargain prices (available with 3 months/6,000 miles } warranty). } } 4) Aversion Therapy. Mondays only seem so bad because you prefer the } rest of the week, For only $20 (batteries not included) the great } Oracle can sell you a device that has electrodes that you attact to } your , and will give you } severe electric shocks every hour Tuesday through Sunday. Soon you } will delight in Mondays and look forward to them. } } 5) Move. This is the Oracle's prefered soltion, move somewhere where } Mondays are not as frequent, the Oracle would recommend Mercury, as } with it's slow rotation Mondays are well spaced. Being able to bask } all day in the glorious sunny weather (for that really *deep* tan) and } the cool breezy nights make Mercury an excellent place to stay. } } I predict that Mercury will soon become one of this solar systems most } popular resorts, but despite the rising popularity, the Oracle still } has a few timeshares available at bargain prices, but these are selling } fast so hurry! } } You owe the Oracle some factor 2,000,000 sun tan lotion.