From oracle-request Thu Jan 6 13:56:17 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA12858; Thu, 6 Jan 1994 13:56:17 -0500 Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 13:56:17 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #615 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 615 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #615 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 13:56:17 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 615 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 610 59 votes hjab2 8bih5 37dme 68boa blh55 6bdaj 7flc4 36gke hoc60 5egf9 610 3.0 mean 2.4 3.0 3.6 3.4 2.5 3.4 2.8 3.6 2.1 3.2 --- 615-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is eating a whole can of chocolate frosting bad for me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Absolutely: Aluminum causes Alzheimer's disease. } } You owe the Oracle two dozen attributive nouns. --- 615-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cep@blowfish.taligent.com (Christophe Pettus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, who can get high by merely wearing a > Members Only smoking jacket, > > are all members members of the set of all members of men whose > members have gotten them into trouble? If so, what to do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm so glad you asked me this. "Glad" isn't the word. Words cannot } begin to express my depth of feeling about this. I will forward an } appropriate response under separate cover. By the way, did you know } your will is invalid? } } Anyway, to the question. A lesser being would respond (and indeed, as } I well know, has responded) to this question by dodging the issue in } one of several possible ways, as follows: } } a. "No." } b. "Yes." } c. "Your cipher does not confuse me. I know that what you really meant } to ask was, `Why do birds sing?' " } d. [Obfuscation] (references to "members" as members of parliament, } poor puns on "remember," and so on). } e. [Gratuitous zots, oblique and totally unnecessary woodchuck } references, complaints about inadequate grovelling, etc] } } I am above all this. I know exactly what it is you want to know. It's } dicks, isn't it? You tried to hide it, but in the end it always comes } down to dicks. Just *once* I'd like to get away from it all. The WC } one: a poor allegory for penis length. The Lisa paradigm: no } explanation necessary. Birds singing: we all know *why* they're } singing, don't we? I don't even need to mention the } police-cruiser-windscreen one. } } I digress. You shall have your answer, but you really do need to take } a good hard look at yourself, don't you? Oh God, now I'm doing it. } } To answer this question we simply need to demonstrate that there exists } firstly a set containing dicks (let's not put too fine a point on it, } although in your case it's hardly avoidable) of men (I love a good } unnecessary redundancy) whose dicks (vide sup) have gotten them into } trouble. This is easily done, and it's a big one. I know that, you } don't have to remind me. But let's keep talking about your question, } shall we? Let's call this set A. } } If now we can show that there is even one dick which is not included in } that set, the answer to your question is clearly the simple option "a" } above, although at least I've put a little effort into it. } } With very little thought (following your example here) I can cite one } dick in particular belonging to, oh, let's just call him Mr. B. This } dick can be thought of as being set B. Does set B intersect with set } A? Does set A include set B? The answer is clearly "No," because the } dick in question did not intersect with anybody for a period of time, } least of all Mr B. When set B was attached to Mr B it was most } certainly part of set A, perhaps the archetypal member of this set. It } is, however, now a unique set which has redefined set theory. In fact, } a whole new mathematical jargon had to be developed to describe this } set. It did not intersect with set A, but did intersect with the lawn } mower, leading to bisection, cross-section, infection, and insects, not } to mention a particularly nasty incident involving the set of little } old ladies who beat snakes to death with their umbrellas. As for Mr B, } well, he now looks upon the "two-stroke lawnmower engine" in an } entirely different and somewhat fond light. } } I hope this answers your question to your satisfaction. If not, what } else can I say but: STIFF! } } You owe the Oracle a two-stroke handicap. --- 615-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ...Oh ponderous one, what do Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah! An excellent question, Oh supplicant. } } 1) Michael Jackson is now a white woman living in New Jersey } } 1) There are K-Marts in New Jersey } } 2) Michael likes small boys } } 2) Small boys like K-Mart } } 3) You never see Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson in the same photo } } 3) You'll never see Janet Jackson and K-Mart in the same photo } } 4) Michael's audience shops at K-Mart } } 5) Michael is attempting to deplete the world's "Jheri Curl" reservers } } 5) The number 1 source of "Jheri Curl" is K-Mart } } Just a few of the things Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common. } } You owe the Oracle 5 more reasons (The Oracle's working on a top 10 } list for David Letterman) --- 615-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > | | > | | > ______|_____|______ > | | > | X | > ______|_____|______ > | | > | | And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } | | } 0 | 0 | 0 } ______|_____|______ } | | } 0 | X | 0 } ______|_____|______ } | | } 0 | 0 | 0 } | | } } I am the Oracle after all. --- 615-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What day will the 19th of May fall on in the year 3056? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It has not yet been decided whether the year 3056 will take place. } There is some pressure to abandon this experiment, which has turned } into a bit of a mess, and start again. } } It looks as if 3056 will actually be 1062 of the new era. There will be } some place a bit like Earth, but the bipeds there will not have } appendices, the fifth month will have 47 days, and be called } Wooooooooo. } } I might have given a bit too much away here. --- 615-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Or dearest Orcle, who is just plain a swell guy. > > How come none of the priests select my questions for digesting? Is it > a conspiracy or am I just a lame geek? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Like Zen, humor can not be explained but must be demonstrated. Here } are several example answers to your question.. } } 1. Because boring answers like this one are a waste of } of bandwidth and time. } } 2. The priest are the twisted minions of the CIA. As small children } they were ignored and abused. Once, they worked their frustration and } rage out small animals. Now, employed by a secret cabal involving the } Defense Department, Ed McMahon and Microsoft, they are destablizing } society by tormenting freshmen computer science majors with a mythical } chance to be in a Usenet digest. } } 3. Your questions will be selected if you maintain Oracle traditions. } Suck up. Mention the priest in your questions and replies. Call them } ``twisted minions''. Refer to ZOTs, Lisa, woodchucks, CS geekyness, } Kinzler, Mt. Olympus, sex, the Oracle having sex, the Oracle having } sex with Lisa, the woodchucks having sex with Lisa, the CS geeks } having no sex at all. } } 4. See answer 4 } } 5. Evil Twit! similar to asking someone how they grip their racket } when they serve a tennis ball you have destroyed my ability to } generate a funny response with a cripplingly self-consouious question. } } 6. Me and my video camera got lucky one time in 1989. Mention } ``fourteen things that can be done with a drill press, a yak, two } waitress from Toronto, a fusion converter and 100 pound of oregano in } a Indiana motel off of route 96'' and watch the priest blanch. Ha } Ha, I got me a free pass for life. } } And for the sake of completeness, a negative example } } 7. That is a stupid question. ZOT. } } You owe the Oracle a better try. --- 615-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Aha! I finally have proof that you're a man, not a woman, no matter > which incarnation you are. You see, every time I think about sending > you a letter, I type "mail oracle," certainly not, "femail oracle." > How can you get out of this one, O Wise Mail One? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am neither male nor female, but email. --- 615-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle of the world, who's nasal hairs I'm not worthy to wash, what > is the perfect Christmas gift? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The perfect christmas gift must be perfect for both giver and } receiver. Perfection for the giver is simplicity of obtaining and } inexpensiveness. Perfection for the receiver is both usefulness } and unusualness (in that it is not something they would normally } buy for themselves). Therefore, the perfect christmas gift is air. } Merry christmas. --- 615-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, great Oracle, whose earwax makes a wonderful purfumed > candle... > > Help me. > > I drank from a flask labelled "formula X", and my skin has started > to grow fur, my nails have sharpenned, my palms and soles have grown > hard, and my thumbs are no longer opossible. In short, I fear I > am slowly turning into a lion. > > What can I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thats impossible, stop "lion" to me --- 615-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, whose wisdom is matched by your humor.... > > Are you the ghost of Alan Turing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, I _am_ Alan Turing, living on in a Harvard architecture machine.